He won't leave me alone
70
What else can I say to make him see?
I've been dealing with my marital separation for over 2 years now. In fact, it's nearly 2 1/2 years that I've been begging only for what I deserve and he has done everything except put a gun to himself or myself and our children, to make the point to me that he loves me and wants nobody else to love me either.
I've tried to be a good person all of my life. I've tried to give to others, even when I barely had the necessities myself. I've tried to help friends and family, and even strangers, through their emotional problems if I could. I've tried to assist others in their plight to understand the meaning of life, especially when the chips are down. I suppose I haven't done everything I could in this life, but I know that I'm a good person and deserve to be treated justly.
I've asked my narcissistic, sociopathic husband to leave my home several times. In fact before our legal separation, we'd been separated about 6 or 7 times. I don't love him and I've made it quite clear to him that that's how I feel. I've had the police remove him from my home in the recent past, and he comes back and walks into my house as if he owns it. He knows he's wearing me down. I'm so sick and tired of calling the police. I'm sick and tired of looking at his disgusting, abusive, piggish face when I've asked him so many times to keep himself away. How many times does a person have to tell someone to get away from them, before they get the point.
His threats
My ex has threatened me with setting me up with drugs. He told me he'd plant them in my vehicle or in my house somewhere, and call the police on me so that my children are removed from the home. My children are my life...I can't even imagine being a beast such as him, to threaten someone with their children. But I have witnesses to these threats.
He's threatened to tell my attorney that I've went out for drinks twice in the last 5 years!! He tells my children that I'm a drunken slut because I want to go have a few drinks once in awhile...after he's spent the last weeks in and out of my house and every single time, I've had to ask him to leave. He'd stay if I let him. This is where the abuse comes in. He does what he wants, regardless of how his children and I feel.
The kids have made it clear that they don't want us living together anymore, and I don't blame them. They're about to be 11 and 12 and they've seen more than their share of their father's abuse, and at times, I've abused their father in defense of myself and our children. It's not fair to them. They see that I tell him to leave over and over again, but I know it's too difficult for them to understand my position, at this point in time. My ex apparently doesn't care about our children or he wouldn't have quit his job and lost his home.
He's here every day, begging me to let him stay overnight because he has nowhere to go. But remember, in the past he's abused me and threatened me with guns and violence, so I'm never sure which way to go with my decisions. I don't want him here, I've made it very clear, but he insists that I want to be with him and that I owe him something because he supported me for the 10 years of our marriage, physically together.
Sacrifices
I've made many sacrifices for my children over the years, as any good mother would. I'm no different than any other mother that wants the best for her children and wants them to grow up and be good people. I had children at age 21 and they are my responsibility forever, and I lovingly accept that challenge and responsibility. But I believe that I had to give my soul, to deal with an abusive husband. He didn't allow me to have friends, didn't allow me to talk to anyone else, on the phone, email, or otherwise. He ruined my computer after repeated attempts, and failures, to keep me from communicating with my friends and family. Every friend I tried to have over the last 12 years, my ex has critiqued to the point that nobody would want to be friends with those people, but only in his eyes. But sadly, he drilled these negative, absurdities into my head for so long, that I did believe much of the shit he spewed from his mouth. I can't believe it now, but he had complete control over me, like a robot, for over a decade. I'm going to end that cycle now. I AM ending that cycle now, he's just not going to allow me to end it lightly. My ex will do anything to keep me under his thumb, anything! I hope that doesn't end up hurting any of us because we don't deserve it. I will pray to God every day, and I ask you to pray for my children as well, and maybe things will be as they should.
I deserve to go on with my life and have people around me that love and respect me. I deserve to be treated with pride and dignity. I am a good person and my children and I all deserve to be happy. Of course my children come first, and as my personal knowledge allows, they always will be first. But I am past being bitter in many ways and have opened myself to love from another. I'm not in love now, but I am open to the feeling if it does enrapture me someday. It's just difficult to move on from such abuse and negativity, when my ex is still showing up at my house, uninvited, and refuses to leave. Like I said, I'm tired of calling the police, but I need to suck it up and do what's right for my children. I know what's right, I will fight for my children's happiness.
Sad conclusion
I know what my options are, I've researched them, and exercised them in the past. I just think the laws on mental abuse need to be more strict. They want $250 for me to file for a harrassment order, and that doesn't even ensure that I'll get one. I've tried to get one in the past, and 45 text messages from my ex in one day, and not nice text messages, weren't enough for a judge to allow me the harrassment order. Also, the only way I would be given a restraining order is if my ex threatened me with death, or actually committed a physical crime against me, that I could prove.
What options are women left with? All of you family members and friends out there, who find it so easy to tell others what they should be doing, need try to be a bit more empathetic for a change. Women like myself and millions of others, suffer every day because they're left with no choices, but to be abused by their spouses. Nobody cares, nobody will do anything about it. Well, I'm going to do something about it.
I don't know if I'll make it out of this marriage alive, but this will be documented. It will be in writing, by me, stating that the laws need to change. Maybe, just maybe, after enough women, wives, mothers are killed by spousal abuse, the laws will side for us instead of them...the abusers.
I realize this seems a bit dramatic to some, but I warn you, it is not. I have not exaggerated one word of my abuse and my marriage and I would never do such a thing! When my husband is in his right mind, he wouldn't hurt a fly, but he's a meth addict that is hell bent on destroying everyone around him, bringing them to the dark, deep, depths of his evil soul. I hope I'm able to get through to him while he's sober, but I've tried 30 times in the last year to assist him in healing, but he's now past the point of no return, I'm afraid.
Please, pray for me and my children. Hub Pages has already saved my life in many ways...I am proud to be a part of such a community of loving individuals. Thank you to everyone at HP!
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Comments
My eyes welled up with tears reading your words. You have tried and tried to do the right thing. A Meth addict is a dangerous person. I am afraid for you and your children. Do you have a father or brothers nearby? I am praying for you right now that you will get out of this situation and that you and your children will find peace and joy.
Miss Jamie D, I am really concerned about you and your children's well-being. I was in that exact same situation for 7 years. I was lucky to survive, many woman don't. I had to go and buy a digital voice recorder and stick it down my pants. I recorded all of his threats to kill me on that recorder. Finally when I called the police, all I had to do was let them listen to the voice recorder, and they hauled him away. I pressed charges immediately and because of the voice recorder the D.A had enough evidence to convict him.
Please send me a personal e-mail if you need any help brainstorming ways to get him arrested and out of your life. I do not want to sound mean, but this abusive man is not the best or healthy for your children,
Many prayers are going up for you, and many hugs to you. Please do whatever it takes to get help ASAP!
You gotta get outta dodge Jamie before something irreversible happens!
Sorry you're going through this.
The sociopath issue needs to be taken much more seriously. I'm dealing with the same issue, I have a five week old baby, and it's horrible.
I hope things get better for you, nobody deserves this stupidity.
I appreciate the honesty and the courage that it must have taken you to write and share this. Thanks for the trust.
I'll be including you and your kids in my prayers, You'll pull through, good people with good hearts always do :D
The system feeds itself by ignoring abuse. The system makes more money if the abuse gets out of conrtrol and someone is hurt. It is a nasty pathetic.... after the crime.... leech. My wife and I tried to protect her children from an abusive, drunken drug addict father. He drove drunk with them many times. We wrote congressmen, child protective agencies, human services and numerous other government entities. They replied with sympathy and did nothing.
I would suggest contacting a local women's help group. I would invest in a voice activated recorder. Keep a record of every incident...no matter how small. If you have witnesses to the abuse.....have them sign an affadavit. Gather all of the evidence you can and present it to your lawyer. Demand action for the sake of yourself and your children.
I hope this might help in some way. God bless.
Jamie, that's really sad to hear that still, after all this time, you're having to endure such a thing. I truly hope the ordeal ends soon, and I'm very proud of you for being such a courageous and strong person...for not giving up or backing down. Keep your spirits up.
Miss Jamie D, I hope everything is OK for you. We are all very worried about you and your children. Tom has some great advice. Find out where your local shelter for abused woman is located. Contact them, they will have many suggestions, and can help sometimes with legal assistance. I hope we hear from you soon sweetie, just to let us know that you are OK. We are all praying for you. Lots of hugs.
I muddled through about ten pages of searches. These people may be able to help: http://www.riversofhope.org/General_Info/services.
May you be safe.
What a horrific position to be in - you poor love!
Sorry I've been gone awhile everyone! As I stated here, the ex won't leave me alone so I haven't had time to try for my 30 Hub Challenges...and obviously I've missed all of you horribly!
Sufi--Thank you so much sweetie. I appreciate the support and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my present lawyer will pull through for me..but I just may do some HP research for those attorneys you mentioned:) Thanks again!
James--Thank you very much for your support! I've been praying for myself and my children more lately and whenever I'm close to God, good things happen, I tend to make the right choices...I'm trying to do the best for my children...while trying to avoid too much drama. It's a very hard thing to do but my kids deserve it, as well as I do. Hugs to you, thank you.
Whikat--I realize that he's not a healthy person for my children, this is why I'm trying to divorce him. Most men would've figured it out by now and signed the stupid papers. I'm in a rare situation that I would never have chosen for my children, but now that I'm here, I have to make the right choices and do things the way I know they need to be done. I have to take my time and do things (at times more slowly than just calling the cops) but I've always ended up with a positive outcome in the past, I think I can do it this time. Thanks so much for your advice, I will definitely email you sometime to talk about this, especially if I run out of ideas! Thank you so much hon:) Hugs
Golden--love the pic of you, you stud! lol...thanks for the love dude, I hear ya loud and clear. I'm working on my strategy, ya'll won't be disappointed, I promise:) I wrote this a couple days ago when in a bad situation but when the storm calms, I always find a way to make things better, in a more gentle fashion. I realize how dangerous he is, that is why you can't just spring up things like police on guys like him, you have to coddle them or they'll react...that is way more dangerous in my opinion. Thank you so much for caring about us, I have been thinking about all of you constantly! This'll be over soon...promise! You'll still here me bitch and complain about him at times, I can ensure that, but you'll see:) hugs
Eldritch--I've been thinking about you and the new baby. I found a poem that I wrote for my little guy after he was born, and I thought of you. I'll post it here soon but just know that I'm sorry you're dealing with the social issues. I go through postpartum depression also, it can be so horrible. Just remember there are options out there for you honey:) I wish you and baby the best! Write me anytime if you need to chat or anything! Peace and hugs
Cris A--You're such a sweet guy, thank you. The last comment I made here on HP a couple days ago, was to you, so you've been stuck in my head...lol...is that weird? lol...Your support means so much to me....I'm with you...I'm strong, I'll make it through this for my kids and myself:) You know just what a woman wants to hear, I like that. lol Hugs
Tom--I'm definitely on board with you! I've been told not to use a tape recorder by my attorney, because it's not always admissible, but I think they'd take it in a case like this, you're right. My ex doesn't leave witnesses because he's an intelligent abuser. I do have two people next door that said they'd do it for me, but now my ex is befriending them. That's how people like him work, it's crazy. But he's stayed clean for a bit now so I think I can get him to sign papers, which my lawyer will have written up soon. Thanks so much for your support, I alwasy appreciate it:) Hugs
Benji--I've missed you around here, it's good to see you again:) Thank you, as always, you've always been here for me. I can't tell you how much that means. And like Cris A, you see my strength and that is what urges me forward (and that is not meant to nullify everyone else's comments, trust me, you all mean so much to me and your support in any form is loved and cherished). Many prayers and thanks to you my friend:) hugs
Whikat--you're a sweet angel, thank you for caring about me:) I've been to shelters and done everything I possibly can in the past...but here I am again...the system is flawed...but I'm strong and I will make it through this. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I truly can. Thanks to you and all my HP friends! Hugs
TomK--That is so nice, thank you so much for the information! I will keep it nearby, trust me. I appreciate your support very much, it means a lot to me and my family! I'll keep updates on the situation. Thank you again and sending hugs!
LondonGirl--Girl, you are such a sweetie, thank you a million times! It is a rough situation, no question, but I've been dealing with it for 12 years now and gotten stronger every day...thanks to God! And thanks to you and all of my HP friends, the last few months have really propelled me into my positive and much-awaited future:) Thanks so much for being here for me, I always appreciate your support. Hugs
Glad to see that you are OK Miss Jamie, I am also relieved that you and your family are not in any immediate danger. I apologize, I assumed that you were in grave danger and I just wanted to give you some ideas. I am happy that you and your lawyer are on top of things, and have everything under control. :-)
Sorry whikat, if I seemed rude with my reply to you. I certainly didn't mean it that way. I know you're just looking out for my children and myself and I thank you so much for that. I apologize if I was condescending in any way. I'm glad you've survived this hon. Thank you:)
It's a good thing that your children are not that young anymore and that they can now understand what's happening with you and their dad. I really hope everything will just be A-Ok soon. I'll be praying for you and your kids! God bless!
Charia--Thank you so much. Yes, I believe things are going the way they were meant to be and I thank God that my kids still have a chance. Thanks so much for your support:)
Are things any easier now?
London--Thanks sweetheart, yes things are easier the last week or so. I appreciate your concern very much. He's been sober for the last couple of weeks and has started seeing some of his wrongs. He wants to go to treatment so I hope that he does. Either way I told him that he moves out on the 1st of June or I'll call the police. He says he understands. He did have a house that he was going to rent but that fell through so he'll probably have to go back to mom and dads. I don't really care actually...lol
Thanks again so much for asking. I'll try to come back and write an update someday soon. I have much more time when I'm not babysitting my ex..lol..talk to you later hon:) Hugs
Best of luck - but do remember, you aren't his Mum.
London--yes, our dynamic was much like mother/father before we were even parents. Thanks again for your support. Things are going well for now:) Hugs
Hi Miss JamieD, Wow. What a pickle. I know it feels like you have no options -- and that's just what your husband wants you to feel. He does sound unbalanced.
From my own experience and experience working with domestic violence victims, here are a couple of things I might suggest:
1. Your husband is feeding on negative intimacy. If he can't have "real" intimacy, any engagement he can make with you will do. And pushing your buttons wins him bonus points! You say he texts you multiple times a day. Have you considered blocking his number? I hope you do not open or respond to the texts.
2. I don't know what your legal status is with him at this point. Do you have a formal separation order in place? Are in in the process of getting divorced -- or is there a glimmer of hope that things will work out (doesn't sound that way, but...). There's nothing like serving the man with papers to get his attention.
3. In terms of him coming to the house. Have you changed the locks? Considered moving? Again, I assume you probably have things in both your names, but the sooner you can legally gain your independence the better.
Other than that, I like the idea of taping his conversations with you. While it may seem cruel to get him locked up, it may be the best way to get him the mental/drug rehab help he really needs.
Good luck and please keep your hubber friends posted. We are here for you!
judges dont like to hear "mental abuse" as forms of harrassment. It is sad but true. It seems sometimes you have to really get hurt before something is done about it. I know what you are thinking of doing and that is not the best choice, trust me. Get your kids and explain to them what is going on, sounds like they know, go to a Shelter, the services at the women's shelter can help you get a restraining order so you can go back home. There are Social Workers at Domestic Violence who will walk the whole way with you and always be there. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Pull together all your vices and rid him out of your life the right way. You have a story to tell and so do all the women who have walked in your shoes. You can help others, share. But for now get the heck out of there and go to a Shelter where he will not know where you are, have his ass put in jail, go back home and continue to work with DV to regain your life. God Bless and keep us posted and quit baby sitting the guy, you will send mixed messages.
dori
fortune--I hear what you're saying but I know how to deal with my ex. I'm probably the only person who knows how to deal with him. Yes, he probably should've been in jail by now, but God had other plans. He's been clean for almost two weeks now and is going to treatment. I don't care what happens after that, we're getting a divorce before he leaves. When he's sober he's a great guy, actually has some brains. He refused treatment of any kind for all of these years and I think there has been an epiphany with him. I could be all dramatic and take the kids to a shelter but the older ones have been there and they're happy right now. I have the police on my side, luckily we live in a very small town. I don't feel threatened as of right now. As for the future, I can't predict that. If you can, let me know. But I can't just 'have him thrown in jail', it doesn't work that way. And I did win custody of my kids by hand-writing 74 pages of his abuse, from 10 years prior to the present, the same judge had previously given HIM the kids because I took them and ran so he won them by default. Same judge gave them back to me after only reading my affadavits.
Thanks so much for your support. And thanks for the advice:) Hugs
Mighty Mom--sorry I missed your comment earlier, I apologize:) I've done all the things you've suggested, and I actually am renting my place. He's not on the lease cuz we've been legally separated for over two years. I know I probably should've just axed him two years ago but he refused to sign the papers. Back then I had my own addiction problems. I've been clean for a long time, if it wasn't for him bringing things to me, I would've never done drugs in the first place. every time we're apart, I'm the clean one. But I'm just hoping he gets into treatment soon. I've been making the calls for him because everyone else hates him. That's not an exaggeration either. I realize it's not my place to "babysit" like fortune said above, but he is my childrens father and this is me, I help people. I think I've finally gotten through to him. He knows that there is no chance for us again, and that if he gets back on drugs, I'll take the kids for good. He's backed into a corner at this point.
I'll keep ya'll posted. Thanks so much for the love hon:) Hugs
Hi again! So glad to read you're taking action to get him into treatment. That is exactly what he needs and it doesn't matter how he gets there. He will never change unless change is forced upon him. I hope you find him a nice, long (like 90 days) program. Drugs can be so destructive and the saddest part is, the addict at the center doesn't even have a clue that they're in any way at fault or hurting others!
I'll keep my fingers x'd and keep you and your kids in my prayers.
Meantime, Ms. WittyWriter just wrote a really super hub on dealing with spousal abuse. You can tell from her opening lines that she totally understands this is NOT a simple issue!
P.S. Your hubs are NOT gobble-de-goop. LOL!
Not gobbledegook at all, I agree.
Thanks London. Your support means a lot to me right now. I wish I could write more but things have been too crazy. As always, thank you so much, I appreciate the love:)
Everything OK with you?
LondonGirl--yes sweetheart, thanks so much for asking. Trying to help the ex clean up from drugs, he's going to treatment on the 16th so we're making progress. Things are going exceptionally well and I expect to write about the current events within the next couple of days. Again, thanks for your support, you're a great person:) Many hugs.
Ms.Jamie D., You have helped me in understanding emotional and mental abuse better. I am a man and some are not aware that we get victimized in this way also. It happens to women more often or more severely maybe. I am still learning about what is happening to us. One thing I know for for sure it is empowering for those of us who are party to these domestic breakdowns to share our experiences and resources; let's stick together. I am thinking of ways I could further suggest or offer help as I am an so needy for it myself but if you would add me to your support system and think of anything I could do to help your family you contact me through my HubPage - Borascal, or email me. I feel your pain, as I share in it as well.
HubPage Fam,
Borascal
Borascal--I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with a situation similar to this one. This hub was written while my husband was on the drug Meth. Meth is a deadly drug that eats holes in your brain, and these behaviors of his that I write about above, are typical for anyone that does this drug. Either way, abuse is abuse and I am so glad that I was able to help you see some things that you didn't see before. And thank you so very much for offering your help and support. That means a lot to me. My ex and I still aren't divorced and if he stays clean we may not divorce, but it is a struggle and a roller coaster ride that only certain people can be 'amused' by. I want you to be happy and I want my children and myself to be happy. I will pray for you as I do for my own children. I wish you the best. I will maybe talk to you soon. Big hugs
I'm glad to hear things are going OK for you. Concerned, but glad. I guess what concerns me is the length of abuse he's subjected you to and the fact that I don't believe people change that much that quickly. Please, please, please be careful and don't let your hopes cloud your judgment when it comes to him and his treatment versus you and keeping your kids safe.
ledefense--Thanks so much for your support. Thank God my husband has "seen the light" so to speak. I know it's scary, knowing his past, and addicts forever have the fear of falling off the wagon. But as an addict myself, just not the depth that my husband is, I know the pain he's been in and going through now. He's always been my best friend when he's been sober, he's just needed the confidence and guidance to make the first steps. many people wouldn't have stayed this long in the marriage, but I do believe in the sanctity of marriage and working on things. Of course many lines have been crossed in my marriage, but we are willing to work them out. Most issues were related to drug use and we both know that anything outside of that is normal relationship arguments and issues, we can totally handle that, we've done it.
Anyway, thanks again for your support. We're doing great so far:)
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Sufidreamer says:
7 months ago
Really sorry to hear that, Jamie - my heart is with you and your kids. I hope that you manage to sort this out - it is an awful situation. There are a few lawyers on HP, so maybe one of those will stop by and offer some friendly advice.
Keep us posted.