Heart Break - How to Get Over It
89Never Cry While Looking Into a Mirror
How to get over a heartbreak.
There are a number of things that can lead to getting your heart broken although love lost is the one that comes to mind first. How to get over the heartache most often will seem totally impossible. But chances are you will be able to use this heart ache to become a stronger more powerful you. Believe it or not, this can be a good thing.
The heart is a very fragile thing. It is what makes us human. There are a lot of ways to have your heart broken. You can experience the loss of a loved one through death or estrangement. You can loose a pet or a dear friendship. You can be betrayed by word or deed. Someone might have hurt your feelings; cut you down or otherwise made you feel small. You can be let down by someone you had counted on. You may have been abandoned or turned away by someone who mattered. You can be fired or quit for your own good. The bottom line is you feel hurt, soul sick, physically and emotionally ill that you feel like you might just curl up and die. You may experience a crushing pain in your chest, a lump in your throat and tears either flowing or backed up just behind your eyes. You may even manifest illness in your body as your immune system crashes due to the pain of it all.
Heartache leaves you feeling like you are stuck in a cycle of misery caused by the constant reminders both inside your head and triggers from the outside. All in all it is a really uncomfortable feeling no matter how it occurs.
So, how do you get over it? Well, first off. Don't cry into a mirror. Don't do things that feed your heartache. Don't watch yourself cry, don't dig through memories and triggers that will compound your grief. Don't isolate yourself for the purpose of making yourself feel more miserable. Doing these types of activities only makes our suffering more intense. Don't rush yourself. Be kind to you. It is okay to experience the pain. Not allowing yourself to feel causes more long term damage than letting it all out in safe ways.
It is supposed to hurt when you get your feelings hurt or the loss of something or someone that mattered to you. You don't have to explain it or justify it to anyone but you. Accept that you feel pain. Sit with it and explore it. Feel all your feelings. Do all of this knowing that everything in life is seasonal. This too shall pass. If it doesn't ever go away it will in time lesson to a degree that allows you to function. If you journal you can record your pain, answer questions for yourself, why are you hurting? How does this experience mirror past experiences? In what ways? Did you expect it? If so why? Could the situation have been avoided? If so, then how? If not, how come? What have you learned from the heartbreak? Paint a picture, Take a few unwanted dishes out to a cement wall and throw the ceramic plates at the wall. Get some bubbles and blow the bubbles and before you blow them imagine putting your unresolved issues and grief into the bubbles and let them go. If names were exchanged write the nasty names on paper and cut them into labels and look at them and then burn or destroy them. Know that these words are not you. They never were you.
Set a time limit for your grief. It is okay to throw yourself a pity party but you can't make it your life's purpose. You can feel your pain but don't let it identify you. You are more than your heartache. What ever you are feeling allow yourself to feel it but also allow yourself to let go of the grief.
Grief, and that is what heart break is, is cyclic. This means it will come and go, ebb and flow. Knowing this is important to your healing. It is okay to feel good some days and less on others.
These are the stages of a grief cycle. The important thing to remember is that the cycle isn't really in order all the time. It can be very random. You can be in denial one moment and acceptance the next and back to shock again depending on the triggers, the distance in time from the heartache and the resolution to the events that caused the heartache. The important part of these stages is they are a normal process in getting over the heart break and on to your next emotional level.
Shock: The stage when you first get your heart broken.
Denial: (Not the river in Egypt.) You can't believe it or process it. This is when you might try to avoid the problem; pretend it never happened or try not to think about it.
Anger:: You might get angry or feel frustrated, snap at people as your emotions come to the surface. This is one of the most dangerous parts of the cycle as you might want to retaliate and make a bad situation worse. If that occurs call someone who is on your side and talk it out.
Bargaining: You might try to make a deal with your loved one, or tell yourself if you just make yourself better, make a deal with God if God will provide a way out of this heartache.
Depression: You feel resigned to the facts, and you feel powerless and helpless and hopeless.
Testing the Water: This is when you try to go out again, try new ways of coping, make resolutions; take actions you believe will help you come out of the heartbreak.
Acceptance: You finally feel like you can go on and put your heart out there again. You are ready to move on.
Time is the great healer. There is no magic pill, or geographic location or spell you can say to get your heart to mend. However, taking your B-vitamins, taking a trip, even a walk around the block, exercise, talking with friends and supportive people, using the time to go to new places instead of places that bring back bad memories, starting a new hobby, monitoring your self-talk and correcting yourself every time you say something negative to yourself can go along way in helping you heal faster.
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Thank you! Sobbing is good though. The tears of grief have a lot of toxins in them where as the tears one has from cutting an onion don't have those toxins so even though it feels bad it helps us heal. It's part of the process. It's part of life. Keep strong!
Experiencing that moment now, I am in a state of mourning and depression atm. I am looking Upward for answers. I think, Exercise is the way to go for me. Maybe that will dull the pain.
Hey is it bad to be heartache over someone who will never love you back. But this person tries to get you jealous, because he thinks I like him. I'm in love but I am fighting so hard. I don't want to be in love with someone who willl never love me back... Evertyhing reminds me of him! Everything. I feel so unloved. My life crashed, my confidence went way down and I am thinking about depression. Just because of this person. He is my friend, but I don't even want to be friends with him because I will end up liking him again. I hate him for being so Him. I hate him so much, but everything reminds me of him...
Please help! I beg you. You may save my life....
First step: Don't call yourself "Unloved." That is a label that will hold you back. You may not be loved by this one person, who obviously isn’t your soul mate or he would give you the love you desire but your mate is out there looking for you right this second. Second, I'd like you to look up the word, "Love" in the dictionary. Then I want you to look up the word, "Friend" in the dictionary. Make sure you know what these words mean. I did this and it helped me. You may be loving and a good friend but I don’t think your friend substitute fits the bill from what you told me. Then I want you to sit down and in a world where all things are possible write a description of your dream person down on paper. What does he look like? What does he do for a living? How much does he make? Does that even matter? What does he like? What does he dislike? What does he do for you? What does he like about you? This isn’t the guy you are wasting time on this is the right man. This man can’t live without you. Or at least it will be difficult. Write down that your dream man is considerate and loving and strong in mind body and spirit or something that is just the opposite of this guy's hurtful behavior. Then put this description in your wallet and read it often. When you come across a man, early on, compare this guy to your dream guy...he better be close enough to make you happy. Depressed or not, cause you sound depressed, don't let that get you. Fake it till you make it. Set aside 24 hours to experience your sadness but then tell yourself you are going to live life for you. Get a paper and look in the entertainment section and do something. Go to a museum or join a club, something where you can speak to other people, go to a lecture, take a crafts class, go to a religious function, work out, something every day you can. Talk to people, smile and behave in a manner that you would if you were happy. Take care of yourself for the man who will love you if you can’t do it for yourelf. Would your future love want you to treat yourself poorly? No! Do not take your old friend substitute with you. He is gone! Do not tell him what you are doing. Having a neat uplifting secret life can really be empowering. This is your life and your business and he is no friend if he is trying to prey on your weak spot. Avoid bars as until your depression has lifted you could find your life in the bottom of a glass. You don't want to end up as a barfly. :) You can do this. You are not alone. Right now there are millions of people all over the world experiencing what you are experiencing or have done it. I have done it. You can do it. If you need to go to a counselor or a support group while you go through this do it. Real people ask for help! If he drank or someone in your family as you were growing up drank I can not recommend Alanon enough. It is a great organization. When I was much younger I loved someone who turned mean to me. It occurred to me that what I was feeling, however, strong and painful could not be love because I wouldn’t love someone who hurt me all the time. When I realized that what ever it was, was not love it made it easier to let go of the hurtful person. In my case. I think the feeling was fear, fear that I would have to admit to the world that I had made and error in picking out my special someone. I didn't want to admit that publicly. Keep in mind I am not a professional. I am just a human being and life coach who has gone through a little drama in her own life. P.S. The next 2 loves I had were both wonderful men, both matched my dream man sheet (with some exceptions) that I kept in my wallet and I had very long relationships with both...in fact I am married to one for 11 years and my former boyfriend is still my best friend on the planet and has been for the past 18 years. This too shall pass. Keep strong. You deserve better and you will find it.
What a great article!
I believe too that when someone hurt you and did not care to explain, it should not be an excuse of not putting a closure to a bad relationship. Actions already explained. So, why spend time wondering why he hurt you?
Just my 2 cents, though :)
What about a relationship broken up by distance, by one party moving away and the other party not being able to move, for whatever circumstance. The heartbreak that comes from the feeling of not having a choice about life's circumstances and having to lose what means so much simply because life didn't work it out to be. ...How do you get past that?
that happened to me g girl sad, I'd like to think that the relationship was strong enough but it wasnt and that if wed stayed in same city it wouldnt have went that way . Im sure it wouldnt have for a wheile at least , however im beginning to believe it would've happened anyway and that our difference would have became apparent even quicker.
well thanks after reading your article i fill very good.....literally u write very nicely....
thanks
I wish I would have had this hub when i got divorced, it really would have helped me.
my girlfriend broke up with me, excuse was that she didnt love me anymore, hearing this absolutly broke me down, went through so much with her, reading this article kind of made me realise that there is a way out of the pain. i just hope it comes sooner than later
Excellent article... thank you so much... btw this is the first time I am ever making a comment on any website... i want to do this because your article is really great... as i am going through these cycles...
2 questions...
1. How can a person who loved me and promised me so much, wake up the next day and decide that she doesn't want to be in the realtionship anymore.. saying we have differences and that we might hate each other if we stay together..
2. I have gone through the cycles... but I keep having this hope that i will get her back if I try... but so far its not helping... i feel she is faking her emtions and that she still loves me.. I am finding it difficult to move on... thoughts about her are always in my head..
would be great help to get some answers
this is a hard thing to deal with....ur words make sence but it's still hard especially when it keeps hapenning all the time
I have tried everything to rid myself of these dreadful thoughts and horrible feelings and yet I still feel them as if it happened yesterday. It has been 5 years and I am still coping. I must be doing something wrong.
Hi Toni. Great article. Getting over the pain is not very easy but this is not impossible to break it. There's always a way. :)
My gf actually just broke up with me yesterday, we were both planning on moving to another city together so she could pursue her internship, I was going along because I can't find work locally. She said she wants to try something on her own and do it independently. I can't say I blame her but it still hurts. There was no sign of anything wrong it just happened. We haven't used the words "brake up" but it still feels that way. Does anybody have any advice or should I just be patient and hope for the best. I do want to leave my heart open for her, but I also don't want to hang around.
HELP!
I don't know if you're still there. My borfriend broke up with me 5 months ago. I lived with him we had a dog. I started to feel better I thought I was going to be fine but I am now in as much if not more pain then when we initially broke up. I want him back but am scared it won't be any better. I can't see myself ever meeting anyone like him let alone loving someone else. I don't want to feel like this anymore but its been 5 months what can I do?
i just wanted to say that i am an emotional wreak, i just had my heart ripped out and stomped on, all the while she was laughing at me, how do i deal with that, when i still love her, even though she cheated on me? please if you now something that can help or inlightin me please tell me.
HI, I am writing this in a hurry so please forgive the errors. I just wanted to get back to you. Well, this is what I had to tell myself when I was faced with someone who took my love and spit in my face. What I was feeling couldn't be love. It had to be something else. Attachment fear of change, or I loved what I thought he was, the illusion but not the person who was bent on hurting me or something because if we were in love when I read the definition of love in the dictionary that stuff would be happening to me not being treated cruelly. I was in fact in love with an illusion that in the beginning he fostered but as time passed grew tired of the facade. I wasn't so easily swayed. I waited around for the old guy to return. He never did. I had to tell myself over and over. I looked up the definition of love in religious texts. I keep thinking that it was evident that he didn't love me. The betrayal showed me that. He wasn't sorry. I decided the vows I gave him to love, honor and cherish had to be directed toward myself instead of toward him. I had to learn how to love and honor and cherish myself enough to walk away from someone who thought love meant I had to hurt as much as he could dish out. I hope that helps. My friend told me this when I felt like you. It ain't over until the fat lady sings. I went back and tried to make it work one more time. I finally had enough and didn't look back. This is a greif cycle. Know what you are feeling is correct and natural. Just let yourself grief and take steps to rebuild yourself. Be kind to yourself. You know you can't make people do what we want them to. Let go and let God and you will find that she was just a lesson you had to learn before you found Ms. Right. Things always work out in the end and if they haven't worked out you know you aren't at the end yet. Keep strong. Do something good for yourself. You owe it to your future mate to do this for yourself with style and grace. Someone out there truely loves you and will come into your life in the future but first we have to take care of ourselves with the same love.
you are right, and i understand what your sayin, just can't understand the betrayal, and then to have no remorse, after having this women tell me for five years,"i love you, i wanna spend the rest of my life with you", and then cheat. I can't wrap my head around it.
Thank you for your enlightinment, it was just a lesson to be learned, it still hurts, cause unlike her, i do have loyalty, and honer. Thank you
Sometimes the best thing for us hurts the most. I don't know why it is like that. Grief takes different people different amounts of time to get over things. Fake it till you make it is my best advice. When happiness walks out illness walks in so make sure you do something that brings you joy every day. I find forcing myself to write three pages in a journal every day, even it if is, "I have nothing to say today." helps me get rid of hte feelings of sorrow so I can go on and have better conversations and interactions with people...when I'm down. Little by little joy will be more of your natural state. If you fill up a journal and then go back with a highlighter and highlight what you mention a lot that will give you a good idea of what you can change for the better. I got that from the Artist's way and it works for other folks as well.
Keep strong.
Heartbreak is a terrible thing to go through and I want everyone to know that I feel for them for I have been living in a living hell for three months now since my fiance of two yrs left me. I really do not know what to do and would like some feedback from people so hopefully I can move on with my life. To make a long story short, in a matter of three days, three months ago I lost my Grandfather, fiance, and lost closing on a house that we had built. I was torn apart and shocked that my fiance who days before she left me was telling me how much she loved me and even wanted me to pick out baby names on computer for when we had kids. Our relationship had always been good, I mean we had fights here and their but nothing big. I had no warning that she was going to leave me and the way she did just destroyed me. It all started a couple of days before she left me when I found out my Grandfather had passed away. She was there for me so I thought but went out looking for shoes for a wedding the nite of my Grandfather passing away and for whatever reason never came home that nite. She came home early the next morning only to tell me she had too much too drink and forgot her phone in her friends car who took her back to their place because she was too drunk to come home. I couldnt believe it but I loved her so much that I believed everything she told me. She acted strange the next couple of days after that and would barely talk to me or show any affection whatsoever for me. She turned my world upside down the day we got back from burying my Grandfather by saying her heart was no longer with me and that she was not signing any papers on closing on our house. I couldnt believe it because a wk before this we were buying thngs for our house and talking about our future together. Since she left me I have not been able to sleep or eat that much and have lost almost 30 pounds. I can't get her out of my mind because I beleived she was my soulmate but for anybody to be as cold heartened as her I dont see why I stil care for her. We talked alittle after she left me because I wanted answers and at first she said we were too much alike and then later on said we didnt have the same interest which confused the hell out of me. I know she has told people lies about me which really hurt because I know what type of person iam and she was just trying to tear me down and make me out to be this horrible person. Not everyone knows the true story about what she did to me and not one time has she ever said sorry or anything and I believe she is glad that im broken into. I would just like some feedback because I feel lost now because she is all Ive known for over the last two yrs. Im still fairly young at 25 but right now its hard to see a bright future ahead of me. I just do not know if I can ever trust someone again because I do not beleive I could take the heartache and pain I have went through again. I just hope one day I will find someone who will love me through the good and bad and be there for me no matter what like I would. I know this sounds mean but I hope someone treats her like she did me then she finally might realize what I have went through because to me she has no heart. Sorry about the long comment but just wanted to get my story out there and see if anyone could give me some advice. Thanks and may God be with you all through your heartbreaks.
Heartbreak is a terrible thing to go through and I want everyone to know that I feel for them for I have been living in a living hell for three months now since my fiance of two yrs left me. I really do not know what to do and would like some feedback from people so hopefully I can move on with my life. To make a long story short, in a matter of three days, three months ago I lost my Grandfather, fiance, and lost closing on a house that we had built. I was torn apart and shocked that my fiance who days before she left me was telling me how much she loved me and even wanted me to pick out baby names on computer for when we had kids. Our relationship had always been good, I mean we had fights here and their but nothing big. I had no warning that she was going to leave me and the way she did just destroyed me. It all started a couple of days before she left me when I found out my Grandfather had passed away. She was there for me so I thought but went out looking for shoes for a wedding the nite of my Grandfather passing away and for whatever reason never came home that nite. She came home early the next morning only to tell me she had too much too drink and forgot her phone in her friends car who took her back to their place because she was too drunk to come home. I couldnt believe it but I loved her so much that I believed everything she told me. She acted strange the next couple of days after that and would barely talk to me or show any affection whatsoever for me. She turned my world upside down the day we got back from burying my Grandfather by saying her heart was no longer with me and that she was not signing any papers on closing on our house. I couldnt believe it because a wk before this we were buying thngs for our house and talking about our future together. Since she left me I have not been able to sleep or eat that much and have lost almost 30 pounds. I can't get her out of my mind because I beleived she was my soulmate but for anybody to be as cold heartened as her I dont see why I stil care for her. We talked alittle after she left me because I wanted answers and at first she said we were too much alike and then later on said we didnt have the same interest which confused the hell out of me. I know she has told people lies about me which really hurt because I know what type of person iam and she was just trying to tear me down and make me out to be this horrible person. Not everyone knows the true story about what she did to me and not one time has she ever said sorry or anything and I believe she is glad that im broken into. I would just like some feedback because I feel lost now because she is all Ive known for over the last two yrs. Im still fairly young at 25 but right now its hard to see a bright future ahead of me. I just do not know if I can ever trust someone again because I do not beleive I could take the heartache and pain I have went through again. I just hope one day I will find someone who will love me through the good and bad and be there for me no matter what like I would. I know this sounds mean but I hope someone treats her like she did me then she finally might realize what I have went through because to me she has no heart. Sorry about the long comment but just wanted to get my story out there and see if anyone could give me some advice. Thanks and may God be with you all through your heartbreaks.
I'm sorry for you pain. It should lesson with time. I know hard to imagine. It is crazy but I find that finding quotes on love is helpful to show what love isn't. Cause you are right, what happened to you wasn't loving at all. Love doesn't leave you in your time of need. Love isn't unkind. Love isn't impatient. Love doesn't disappear in the middle of the night. I don't think you will be able to understand what happened. It might take you an hour to figure that out or years. It isn't something you can understand.
The thing is to make a list of the things that are going right for you and turn that boat of loss around. You know it takes a lot of energy and time to turn a steamship around and it is the same with the heart. Be kind to yourself. Do something good for you that is also good for you long term like take up exercise, if you exercise maybe you will just be able to eat again and that is something. It is possible to have more than one soul mate so don't think you missed out. It sounds like she got cold feet and self destructed. That will either be forever or it will turn around but the important thing is that you take care of you and that you live a life that the ideal mate of the future will love to know. Would that person want you to sit around and pine or would they say you were better than that? I am a firm believer in living for the future mate and expand yourself and become a person that your future mate would feel jazzed to meet. What is that person like? Make a list.
Heart ache is heavy and weighs on you all day long and all night. You might want to try Art journaling, it could help you get your feelings down on paper so you don't wear them out, that or writing every day before you go out so that the slate is clean and you have more time to be in the present with the people you do meet.
I hope that helps some. It could be that she had to get out of the way for your real soulmate to show up.
Keep strong,
Toni
Thankyou for your comments and I found them really helpful. It is important that I do things that make me feel good and without my friends I do not know where I would be right now. My biggest problem has been not being able to let go because she was very important to me and I was really close with her family so its like I lost much more than her but her family as well. But your right I have to be strong and not have any contact with her which is easier said than done. I have not text her or talked to her in a month but she texts me wanting me to give her money for past bills when we were together and I have lost I dont know how much money since she left me and have already gave her over a 1,000 dollars. She keeps writing all this crap on facebook which I have deleated her from my friends list but still people talk and stuff she is saying is unreal and hurtful but Im better than all that and now look forward to the future. I really was taken with the last comment you made and I will quote it, "It could be that she had to get out of the way for your real soulmate to show up." Ive read that over and over and thankyou for that comment because I do now believe that to be the case. So thankyou again for your comments because I was really in need of some positive things to build on for my future.
I'm glad there was something usable and positive in all that rambling I was doing. I almost started to ramble again...but I think you are on the right track so I am just going to wish you well.
many blessings.
Take care,
Toni
Reading this really helped but it hasn't really resolved everything for me. My boyfriend and I broke up three months ago and if our situation hadn't been the way it is I'm sure I would've been on my way towards new happiness now but the problem is that we have a son together who was born just one week before we broke up. I still love this man with all my heart and I can't avoid talking to him because we have a son together. My ex is so manipulative he tells me the things I want to hear and then I end up getting hurt all over again. We keep going up and down but it's so evident we will never get back together. What I want more than anything is to be able to move on but he keeps holding me back so I hold on. I know if we didn't have a son together things would be easier because then I wouldn't have to talk to him but I have to talk to him everyday. How do I get over him without cutting him out completely? I can't keep going through this cycle we have.
My boyfriend of 8 years broke my heart by leaving town, hooking up with someone else (secretly from me), talking me out of my inheritance while pretending he was single(he married her and had a child with her). He kept telling me that I was his Whole World and that he loved me so much! When I found out the truth, I was so much more than crushed. Mortified, disgusted, hurting and feeling like an idiot.
It has been two years and I still grieve for the relationship that I thought I had before he messed up my trust, money(we're talking thousands and thousands), and waisted a great deal of my time. I feel like the biggest fool in the world.
Brokenmom...The good news about every situation in life is we aren't the first one to go through it. It is nice to know that people have survived what we are going through. When you have a child with someone it changes everything it can make things seem more complicated but a baby is always a blessing. For the sake of the long run you will probably benefit from some outside support. I know I did when I was a young mother. I know some churches have seminars on parenting with a difficult ex and I bet that would be a good resource. Take advantage of counseling if you can it is good to be able to talk to someone without it every being brought up at holidays a decade later if you know what I mean. If you can read some books on the topic that would also help.
Don't bother to involve him he isn't going to change unless he wants to and while not changing is benefiting him he will remain the same. Most people don't like change as much as they think they do and if he wants to attend counseling with you he will and if he doesn't he won't and it isn't your problem. Look out for you and that wonderful little baby. There are times that you need help but not the father's help in those cases ask for help from other family members. The more autonomy from him you have the better your heart will heal. Focusing on what you can change is the most important thing and letting everything else fall into place on its own. Even if you don't know people with issues with alcohol ALANON can be an amazing resource for strengthening your own resolve. What you can learn there can be liberating.
They say most upset is caused by a refusal to accept things as they are in the moment. I know for myself that is true. Resolution takes a lot of time. When you haven't made up your mind that the future is going to be different and the past can't be changed then there is always upset. It is only when resolve takes place, when a decision has been made and committed to that the healing really begins. I am not saying you haven't made a decision it is obvious that everyone here has either made a decision or had it thrust upon them but there is a time where it will change, in the blink of an eye or little by little.
As far as TELEZA...you know what they say, "If it only cost you a few thousand dollars to get rid of an untrue love it was a bargain at any price!" Seriously, though, all the feelings you have been feeling are warranted so cut yourself some slack. You were betrayed and that hurts. There is good news. One, you aren't an idiot or you would still be with him or waiting for him. Pat yourself on the back. That era is over. Eight years isn't that long period of time in the average life span. It will seem like a blip on the time line someday. You didn't waste your time some of it was good, the parts where you were having fun and feeling loved and it was part of your maturing process and it made you smarter and better able to take care of yourself in the future. Your story might end up being helpful to the world. I know every crazy betrayal and heart ache has benefited me in the long run somehow. Two, you aren't the biggest fool in the world either because now you are wiser for your experience. Please be kind to yourself.
Grief is cyclic and you are going to grieve until you find someone or something else you feel passionately about. It could be a new love or a new occupation or hobby or even a pet but deep grief is best healed with a deep passion for something else in life and finding something for yourself to feel good about.
Finding a way to build your faith in humanity again would be at the top of my to do list. It means a lot to be able to trust again because all relationship build on trust so if yours was broken it is yours to fix. Trust can be built by taking seminars, or by loaning a book and getting it back, or friendships, developing your spiritual nature or participating in community activities where people safely critique or offer each other assistance like community gardens or plays or other activities. . Not every person is going to steal your heart and then your money and you need to prove that to yourself in as safe of a way as possible. The method is up to you but healing that aspect of your life is the one of the most important things.
i would like to know how you answerd this question that "tommy" asked:
1. How can a person who loved me and promised me so much, wake up the next day and decide that she doesn't want to be in the realtionship anymore.. saying we have differences and that we might hate each other if we stay together..
2. I have gone through the cycles... but I keep having this hope that i will get her back if I try... but so far its not helping... i feel she is faking her emtions and that she still loves me.. I am finding it difficult to move on... thoughts about her are always in my head..
would be great help to get some answers
this is exactly how i feel. He was my bestfriend , one minute i was his whole world and then the next he wanted nothing to do with me , he tells me he doesnt have feelings for me anymore , but that hes not over me.. he says hes "keeping busy" and that he loves the freedom he has..
its been close to a month since we broke up, we were together for 2 years. I'm getting to the point of being desperate for anything to make me feel ok again , im so tired of this feeling , im so sick of crying , i keep telling myself that he's coming back.. i keep setting myself up.
The first few months are the worst and then when everyone seems to think you are over the loss it can come back and hit you again. I will be honest with you. I don't know how Tommy or you will come to terms with your loss. It is personal. I can only tell you what I have learned from living my life and getting over pain. Part of it doesn't seem to ever go away but there comes a time when I just get too tired of feeling bad all the time and make active choices to take my life back. I have to take the power back. The ways I have learned to cope are the ways I wrote about in the article and in the responses. They worked for me. They didn't work in a day or a week or sometimes in a few years but eventually I got myself to a point where I was whole enough for other people to come into my life and fill the void...better people than I had imagined.
I used every tool I had to repair my life and that is what I am encouraging you to do. It isn't about the other person it is about feeling good within your own skin. You are in charge of your own thoughts. You can choose to think about things differently or different things all together. It is both difficult and it is easy to change your thoughts.
If you can get over your heart ache doing something nice for yourself do that. If you can do it with journaling do that. If you can do it by surrounding yourself with others or helping your fellow man or woman or otherwise finding a cause do that. If you need someone to talk to then counseling is great, support groups are an amazing resource, and self help books can really teach you about you and help you move on. I used every tool I could get my hands on to keep myself safe and sane and moving forward. I am still moving. It isn't always a forward movement but when you find yourself hurting you have to choose to think or do something else.
If someone is playing with you like a yoyo on a string drawing you in and pushing you away repeatedly it is up to you to cut the string or continue in the cycle. YOu can continue or make sure you stay away from the person for your own good. Nobody can tell you how to heal. I'm making suggestions but only you will find what works for you. My concern is that you are kind to yourself and take measures to keep yourself from harms way because I know everyone has the right person or person's (for each stage of your life.) and that if we get out of our own way that better life will find us and will include the mate we need. First make a little corner for love and expand it day by day.
Love is a beautiful thing and the loss of love through death, divorce, separation or other loss is the most painful thing that can happen to someone and getting over it takes strength and endurance and resiliency and the desire to get back into the rhythm of life without that person or job or what ever meaningful relationship you have lost. It takes work and constant tending.
You said, "I keep setting myself up." When you feel strong enough make a list of the ways you do that and vow to eliminate one way you do this every week and replace it with something you do to strengthen yourself in a positive way. For me, taking classes in something helps me regain my good feelings. I feel I can control that little bit of time and try my best and from that my self-worth seems to grow. You might be different and choose to cook or clean or build something or do a craft or go horseback riding or something else that is positive and life affirming that brings you joy and do that. Something for you and not against someone else. He's keeping busy so keep yourself busy. Walking in nature is good if it is warm where you are, changing something you do to something different and better. The best sentence ever written was, "If you keep doing what you are doing you are going to keep getting what you are getting." It is so true.
You are worth your own love. I have always felt that we should be able to promise to love, honor and cherish ourselves in earnest before we give that promise to anyone outside of ourselves.
I wish you all the best. "Pink" has a great song, "I'm still a Rockstar." which is a really uplifting and empowering song for a female who is going through a break-up. It is far better than listening to something that makes you sad. Give it a try. :)
Keep strong.
Toni,
I have been suffering from a heartbreak for about 2 weeks now, I know that time is the biggest factors and every day gets better. For some reason I have been trying to get it together all unsuccessful. I start to feel better then, i regress back. I guess what I want to say is thank you. I printed your artice(if you dont mind) and I am going to reference it every time I start to get down on myself. I have been blaming myself for everything, beating myself up, screaming and crying at myself. I do know that it's not my fault and people just fade! Thanks for writing that article, because of people like you, the world has a little bit of love it it!
Thank you for your kindness. Life is a huge lesson and I get taken to school every now and again myself. Just know that you are not alone. Someone somewhere feels exactly as you do. You are right the blame game doesn't solve a thing. Like Churchill said, "When you are going through hell...keep going. " :)
I just wanted to give you guys some hope. I fell in love with someone and came out of that experience very distraught and broken. It took me along time to accept that they had left. It was a horrible experience. I am still alone but now love myself for who I am as a person.
I thought and believed she was the one. But in reflection I am happy she is off looking for what makes her feel complete and myself not being able to obviously provide that I can only smile and hope they find what they are searching for.
What if I see him every where I go.
Every song reminds me of him. Every food, every drink, every pillow. Everything!
It makes it absoloutly impossible. I can't think, I can't breathe. He said we would be together forever and just forgets me.
How could it be sooo easy for him and so difficult for me.
Everytime I think about him I start crying because I love him so so much.
He's everything I do and he means everything to me.
How do you get rid of that?
Everything I think of saying in response seems trite. However, it is true, at least in my own experience. Give yourself time, keep your mind occupied with something other than those thoughts that tie you up.
There are things that can't remind you of the one who broke your heart, even if it is math or meal bugs or the periodic table there is something, find it and use it when you find yourself being sucked back into your heart ache.
Don't give up on you, you are worth finding a way to live again, breath again and smile again and you will. If you haven't tried it take the Kersey temperament sorter or an I.Q. test or something to help you understand and appreciate yourself more. It might help you answer the question how he could be over it so soon and it be so hard for you. You might be a deeper individual. Keep going and if you need extra support get some. Autonomous people ask for support when they need it. It can help.
I left my unhappy marriage for the man I thought I had been looking for all of my life. He swept me off of my feet. He said everything I wanted to hear. I really thought he was genuine. Then after being sucked in I realized he had many issues from his past. He became very emotionally abusive and controlling and extremely manipulative. It was so clear to friends and family but I couldn't let him go. He broke up with me about twenty times in the past two years and I beg him to take me back. I feel like such a loser. I can't believe I let this happen. I let him take away all of my self-esteem. I am forty with two kids and I can't function. I know that I obviously have issues of my own to be in such a co-dependent relationship. I am trying to work on them but I am obsessed with the fact that he told me that he has never loved anyone like this in his entire life and that he can move on so easily and I feel like I will die. I honestly don't see how I will ever feel happy again. I can't stop thinking about him, where we went, the fun times we had. I can't eat or sleep. It is torture. I have been writing, seeing a psychologist, trying to be with friends etc. I am so afraid I will see him with someone else. My heart physically hurts and I am angry at myself for giving it away to such a jerk.
I wish I could get through this pain and know that better times are in the future. Nothing seems to help. I am devastated.
It sounds like you are taking all the right steps. If you see him with someone else say a prayer for her cause he didn't change and she is in for the same ride you went on. The more expectation we have the harder it is on us. You expected a happily ever after and you got something less. You don't have a choice but to recover for the sake of your children. That is a fact. The choice to just experience our pain full-time is for people who have a hefty trust fund and servants to take up the slack. If you aren't someone who has all that then you have got to recover. It is time to find your warrior self, not the fighter but the strength of the best you you can be and build a good foundation for your little family with the bricks you have had thrown at you. Believe it or not, I don't like giving advice but my advice to you is to carve out a little time to volunteer at a battered women's shelter. It will give you a lot of strength to help women who have been abused, controlled and manipulated. I often find I can not do for myself alone, that I am given more strength when I am helping others up at the same time. You might find this to be true for you as well. Your children will learn that even in your darkest moments you still have room to help your fellow man. It is just an idea and I'm throwing it out there because that is how I help myself get through tough times and it works for me. It might work for you. Keep strong.
I'm almost 4 weeks into a breakup with my best friend. Someone that I told everything too. He is back with his ex-girlfriend and very happy. I am happy for him. We had a very unusual relationship. We had a tremendous friendship and separate from that was our 'relationship". That sounds crazy, I know but we were able to separate the two types of relationships. It made things so much easier because in our friendship we were able to talk about ANYTHING and we did. I was able to open up completely and tell him things that no one in the world knew and he did the same by me. We were never really a couple is the thing, but we crossed some imaginary lines and got over into the gray area of friend & lover. I feel like I've lost everything and that I'm dying. Like so many others, I can't eat or sleep. I know in my mind that time will make things better but it's been almost 4 weeks and I'm still so upset. I have lost so much! Since we had so many realms to our relationship, I've lost more than a friend and lover. I am not the same person and I don't know how to get that person back. I know that I'm depressed and such I'm such a bubbly, optimistic person this is really taking it's toll on me. It is just taking so long to get through. I'm 39 years old and have never felt like this before. I've had my heart broken, I thought, but it did not feel like this. How do I survive without the best friend that I have ever had?
this has helped me alot i had my heart ripped out by the girl of my dreams but letting your anger out talking to a person with alot of patience and jsut sobbing have helped me get over this feeling
D, I have fallen for my best friend a couple of three times in my life. I have never fallen for a stranger. I really need to know them and be know.n It is a devastating loss when the person you turn to in times like this is the person you lost. I know exactly what you mean by losing the person you were. I don't think you will ever be that person again. You will be someone better, someone stronger and someone more capable of being a great friend and lover again. It is cliché but I think it all happens for a reason, to benefit us in the long run. We never know how our heartaches will benefit us or be of service to others and to be honest when it comes to love the only benefit I can see is that someone better for you will come into your life and needs you to have a larger heart to hold all the love you will feel for them. You know what they say, "There's more room in a broken heart." Keep strong. This too shall pass.
i am a 17 year old girl who just got her heart broken
i am in school with this guy who i thought would be the one for me
we'd spend everyday together hes in all my classes. so i decided to have sex with this guy, i feel like i had to in order for him to like me. and besides that i would buy him everything he wanted. because i have a job i was able to cater to his every need and it made me happy that he was happy with his new clothes and was never hungry. i wouldve rather been broke then to see him unhappy. i did so much for him.
i told him everything i had been through, how i was raped and how every guy ive been with leave me. and how i believe its because im not good enough. im insecure. and he knows that and he made me feel beautiful. and i loved that about him.
he had an "ex girlfriend" that he told me about. he told me that they are friends and that he told her about me. but he didnt i got in contact with her because i knew something was wrong... he was too good to be true. and she confessed to me that they were still together that she never knew anything about me. and theyve been together for 2 years. i was devastated . i couldnt believe it. so after me and her discussed everything she called him and told him off and you know what he said to her ... that " that bitch was nothing, i used her for her sex, and her money" like im some kind of prostitute. i cried and i cried so much that i was sick. i havent eaten in 2 days and im not able to go to school because im digusted.
he knows that he didnt use me i know he didnt but he said that to get her back. but what about me. what can i do now. im alone and i feel like shit. i feel like thats all im good for sex and giving guys money. i want him to tell me to my face. tell me that he used me because i cant believe it . after everything we talked and did together. im so hurt and ive cried to much. i mean whats the difference btw him and the guy that raped me if he used me?
i tried to confront him yesterday at school but he completely ignored me and continued talking to his friends like i never existed. and to top it all off him and his ex are back together. i feel like i lost everything. and because of the fact that i have to see him everyday in every class kills me.
i need help
it feels like my hearts dying
i know that im young but ive been through so much that i feel like i should settle down and have a stable relationship with someone whos going to love me.
i need help.
thanks
You give good advice. my bf just got up and left with no reason behind why he did so. Its been about an month now that he had left me and the fact is l am inbetween anger and depression, but l feel like my heart is in two and l just dont or try to comperhend why he had left me in the frist place. l need advice and thats for some from the artical. anntaia
You know, I never have understood the leaving with no reason deal. I have never met anyone who thought it was easier on them that way...to be left without a word. Feeling bad about it is the appropriate response. Heartbreak is the appropriate response so know that you are a sane person. I keep saying this because feeling that hurt, when it has happened to me, made me feel like I was crazy or something myself. How could any human being feel such pain for so much time and survive? Well, we do survive if we choose to and we take steps to heal ourselves.
The deal is that we have to eventually make peace with not knowing and pick ourselves up and go on. I had a friend (I thought she was a friend) do that to me and my husband had a girlfriend do that to him and he was devistated at the time. Years later the woman wrote and told him that she had simply had an offer of romance from a wealthy man who told her she could no longer communicate with her then boyfriend, now my husband. It was that simple. It had nothing to do with him. It may not have anything to do with you either. It doesn't have to be romantic for that to hurt. Parents often leave their children with no word and it is a life long hurt. Just know that this hurt will help you somehow. Not now I'm sure you can say, but in the future it might help you be more understanding and more compassionate to others who need you and the persons who will love you and never leave. Even if the person who left called you up and told you what they think their reason is; 1.) it may hurt your feelings worse. 2.) it is only their opinion and it is limited by their world experience and their command of language and their value system and their emotional maturity level so the things they say may not have any validity. 3.) Nearly any reason someone leaves you is probably good enough reason for you to decide they aren't the right person for you. 4.) None of what I just wrote makes a world of difference to a broken heart until it is done processing the pain. Keep strong. Use this time to learn more about yourself, take on-line quizzes on emotional maturity, temperament sorters, and other interesting information that can make you feel good about you.
WOW, I never thought that this would happen to me.. But it did, I found out my girlfriend from high school of 15 years was cheating on me. I could not bare the fact that all is lost now and most important thing is that the TRUST is gone. I could not be fooled by her JEDI mind trick as she tried to reasure me that this would never happen again..
My best friend told my about this web site and to my amazement, there are people like me dealing with the same issues. Thankyou all for words of encourgement.. Talking to friends and doing stuff like hanging out when the fights come on or watching ball games help put somethings aside and out of my mind for that painfull moment. Just getting past the first 2 weeks was almost impossible but now its getting alot better. I hung on to what we used to like taking trips and stuff but I know thats OVER... I deserve better then that for my own sanity. Going cold turkey helps because she still calls and I dont even entertain the moment, for her satisfaction. So gang, if its truely over start the healing process now, it sucks but it is going to be ok and remember, if you dont stand for something - you will fall for anything. Bye and lets keep our heads up.
I just got my heart broken by the same guy for the second time in a year. I was going through a very difficult divorce with a man I had been with for 13 years, and I suddenly met this wonderful man over the internet. We went on a date and at first I did not feel very much. However we started talking more aftere that,and we had passionate sex that completely made me week in my knees. The way he caressed my body and whispered into my ear made me fall head over heals for this guy. I asked him what he wanted from this, and he replied friends with benefits as he was not over his ex yet. I was also feeling a lot of different feelings for my ex and we had very deep conversations around these topics. Naturally we grew closer, and I decided to not sleep with him to see if he would fall for me. After a while I insinuated that I liked him as more than a friend, and he said he was very surprised. So I left it at that and went away for a week. When I came back he immdiately wanted to see me, and seemed very entusiastic about spending time with me. I thought he had maybe realized he liked me too, so we started hanging out every day, but no intimacy took place between us. Just before christmas holidays I told him that I could not be in this situation if he had no feelings for me. He said he was still not over his ex, but never said directly that he did not fancy me. So I went away for another 2 weeks for christmas, and when I came back I got pneumonia and was all alone. So I sent him a text message asking how he was, but deliberately stayed away from him - he was the one who initiated all contact after that. He then asked me if I wanted to join a business venture with him, and I felt a bit happy as I thought he wanted to share his passion with me. Why would a guy want to work that closely with someone if they had no feelings for them? So we kept on going with the friendship for months, until i finally needed to end the whole feeling of insecurity, and told him I could not stay in the situation anymore. He was angry at me for not saying anything before as he had invested his emotions andd dreams in the business venture with me. I feel like my whole body is collapsing from all the heartache and trouble I have put myself through the last 1.5 years of my life, and now I am not sure how to regain my confident self and get on with my life alone. I do not have very meny friends and I feel very sad and empty.
That was a bad situation. I could feel the emotions you are feeling as I read. Keep in mind I am just a person, not a skilled professional. I write as a friend.
Regaining confidence is important to your healing. Some people equate sex with love and they can not have sexual relations without their heart being involved and others find them to be two separate activities. If a person who does feel sex on an emotional level gets involved with one who only feels on a physical level there is going to be pain involved. At least that is what I have observed.
Getting your confidence back will take work. You didn't specify what kind of confidence you lost. It is important to identify exactly what type of confidence you feel like you no longer have. It isn't all of it even though you might think so. Is it confidence in your decision making or your sexual attractiveness, or your ability to choose a mate, or your health, or your intelligence or your emotional maturity or your ability to meet your work ethics or other things.
You are still confident in many aspects of your being and you need to make a list of those areas where you still have a trust in your abilities even if it is in taking care of your basic hygiene or getting out of bed or going to work or being a good friend. Keep going until the list of your competencies far out weight the area where you have lost confidence. Then build on this.
As an observer without all the facts this sounds like a common case of mistaken identity and nothing more. You thought you saw something more, something that could grow and something that meant something that it didn't to this other person. He, likewise made a mistake, he thought he could have a friend with benefits and nothing more and that you were both on the same page.The fact is you told him that you wanted more and he decided that it didn't meet his needs to hear that. This was his mistake. The mistake of wishful thinking. Mistakes in communication happen to everyone at one point or another however when sex and emotion are involved the pain can be intense. Be kind to you and be forgiving of yourself and use this as something that taught you something about yourself. 1. ) it might not be possible for you to be a friend with benefits. Is it? If that is ever proposed in the future you will know this about yourself and not waste your value on this. It might not be right for you. 2.) If someone wants you to engage in a business venture in the future but you have a crush on them or you feel a connection other than business maybe you might think twice about it. 3.) Time is never wasted. You learned something important. That is that people don't always have the same motivations as you do or the same code of conduct or the same desires and the only way to learn that is to be up front, take the embarrassment early in the game and move on if they hesitate. You are in charge of you and you can do this.
Losing your good health takes a lot out of you. If you read any of the Hay House books on illness you will know that lung illnesses are usually a sign of a lack of self care. If you do research and come to believe this it might be time to cut out some time for self care and doing things that make you happy.
All that doesn't make you feel better. I know this. Time is responsible for that type of healing. Turning to trusted friends at times like this can be of great help but only if these friends are truly trustworthy. It is said it takes two people to destroy a man, a close friend and an enemy. Take care in choosing your advisors and confidants. Again, counselors are invaluable when it comes to a listening ear. To me it is often worth the money just to know your business wont' be repeated.
As far as friends go, it seems good friends are harder to come by the older we get. It takes constant reaching out and failure upon failure to find those special people. They will come and go. Recently I spent time on social networks finding my old friends and in many cases it seems they keep you frozen in who you were then. It is a rare friend who accepts that you are a work in progress and allows for the evolution that takes place within us all. I have four friends who are all far from me who allow for me to just be. My two closest friends are probably my dogs. If you have access to animals I suggest you take advantage of their healing abilities. They are very good role models and live in the moment. I know, advice from an animal lover is biased but it works for me. Keep strong and know that you are worthy. Spiritual texts are also wonderful as you can access them at any time of the day and night and gain wisdom and uplifting information along with the daily inspiration books you might find for women, men, or 12 step groups.
This too shall pass. Change is the only constant.
Thank you so much for those comforting words. I had a funny experience last night as I was out with some friends and her friends. As I arrived at the place of dinner, I noticed a guy who was really beautiful, but thought to myself he is never single nor interested. So I ate and laughed with everyone. We had a kind of two day party going on, and the same people showed up the next day. I was a bit tired of drinking and I stopped, and suddenly the handsome guy was sitting next to me and asked me what a man was supposed to do to get my attention if I he could not buy me a drink. I was a bit perplexed, and said not sure, he would have to surprise me. And this other really handsome guy who was there kept coming on to me saying all the guys are looking at you here tonight, it is so strange that you do not have a boyfriend. It was all very flattering, and it really boosted my confidence again. I will probably never see any of these guys again as tey are from another country, but still it felt good. And I feel a tiny bit of hope again. Thank you for your lengthy answer, I really appreciated reading it.
Okay, that may triumph my idea that you pet a dog. Ha ha. :) Good for you!
He he - I love dogs, so I completely agree with that idea. Nothing sweeter than a devoted puppy:)
hey guys, well to start i met this girl when i was 14. we dident go to the same highschool but we still were really close. she was just getting out of her relationship with one of my friends and we started talking. next thing you know we were dating. her parents were allways very strict and never let her do much but still, i got to see her. like our whole relationship was built on waiting for her to turn 18 so we could have our freedom and get a place togeather. it was our dream. recently she turned 18 and things started to change. she started to hang out with a new group of friends and we never got much time to see eachother. things started to fade away. and it killed me because i built my life around her. (i mean, just typing this right now im still in denial.) so i had to tell her how it was and how i felt and we broke up. does everything happen for a reason? is this just training for a better relationship? am i on the right path? i let her go because she needed to be free. she needed to experience other peoples hearts and thats just what shes doing at this very moment without me. sometimes i wonder if i did the right thing? i have so many questions. she was the first person i have ever had sex with and it was same for her. thats another reason why it is so hard to let her go. after we broke up i decided not to talk to her. it would only prolong the pain. i mean i even threw my cell phone off a bridge i was hurting so much. it is so crazy how these things happen. we were doing so good then everything changes in the blink of an eye. well it has been about a week since the break up and im trying my best to move forward. i hate the fact that i cant get her out of my head. mental pain is seriously way worse than any physical pain i have ever encountered. like if you get hurt physically you can get a pill to make it the pain go away. with a broken heart the only thing that will be there for you is time. god help me. so i want to warn you guys out there, dont give your whole heart away to someone because they might not ever give it back.
I met this handsome stranger seven yearsago. Instant attraction and we couldn't be apart. Through the years we have been very close. Neither one of us wanted to marry when we met. Had both done that and failed before. After several years together and my deep love for him , I wanted marriage, the house together, to wake up everyday next to my love. I'm 45, him 58. I have two children 16 and 13 left at home part time. He has never had children. I wxpressed my desire for marriage and it didn't really go over. Months later I left him because I am at a point in life that I really do want a committed spouse. I was tired of sleeping alone. A couple of weeks had passed and he came to me , proposed marraige, said we would buy a house together and he would be a great husband. I was scared but so excited. The wedding , he scheduled for 6 months out. Three months later he decided that he wished to keep his house set up so he can go over there and hang out when he wants to, if we argue orthe kids are bugging him. He still would buy us our own seperate house. This scared me. He was leaving his house intact, cars, clothes, furniture? A committment issue? A convenience issue? We talked. He said he just loves his house so much that he is not selling it. We cannot move in there. It is not a family home. I did the most painful thing ever. I left him over that. I get the feeling it is an out and a lack of committment. It has been 4 weeks and everyday I cry or hours. I can't do anything without refocusing on this tragedy. I am missing something? Is it strange that I don't see this as excepable? I need some rational advice since nothing in me is rational anymore. : ( I don't feel like ill get over him...
The man cave. That's what it sounds like to me. Most men have a section of the house but some men have a cabin or other escape. A blended family is a very difficult thing. Been there done that got the t-shirt and now that my kids are adults we talk about how hard that was for all of us. Five years from now everything will be different for you as the kids will be on their way out or gone. I am there now and it is weird how much we live for our children. I am still finding my wings and trying to find out what is important to me.
In the beginning both of you had commitment issues. Because you call him a handsome stranger I don't get the feeling that you guys went beyond the mystery. You might have. In order to commit to someone some of that mystery needs to be lifted or you will not understand the thinking.
In New York City people keep their apartments often due to the difficulty finding another place at the low rent. This isn't a seller's market.
There needs to be communication if you are going to understand the reasoning. Maybe you might need to do this in the presence of a mediator or counselor. If it is not too late. With some of the good old fashioned, "When you say, you want to keep your old house I feel_________ because I feel it means you don't want to commit and so you want an easy back up plan." and him saying, "When you say I have to sell my house in order to prove I love you I feel_________because I feel you want me to give up something that means a lot to me, my house.
Fact is, if you are married backing out is not going to be easy no matter how mellow it is. Divorce stinks even if it's the only right thing to do. I don't know if it is too late or you want it to be or what but if you haven't tried counseling and you truly love each other then couples counseling is helpful to help sort out what is really going on here.
I had a weird sense when I was reading what you said that there wasn't transparency in your relationship and when there isn't transparency in relationships, like full access, then I wonder what is going on, like are there trust issues both ways? I give full access and expect it in return. However, others aren't like that and like mystery. He didn't say you couldn't come over or have a key did he?
If it is too late then moving forward and finding someone who will want the whole package is the best thing to do. Heart ache is not easy to get over as you know but it is possible with time and work on your part.
I don't think holding some back is good advice but I think as our hearts get broken more and more over the years the psyche and heart naturally hold a little in reserve, or that part of us gets stronger on it's own and better able to cope little by little. It it is ever easy to get over love then it probably wasn't love or a different cooler shade of love.
Take care, you will always do what is right for you in the end. If it isn't worked out you aren't at the end yet. Keep going. :)
hi its realy a gr8 help 3 days before i broke off my 4ys of relationship my bf was double gamin widh me 4m past 1 yr i was shocked to realise it
but when i talked to other girl we both decided to broke off with him & now he is alone:-) tht was the best releiving part then i asked him to give me back all my gifts & things u destred them INFRONT of him & while returing back home i threw them in river THT WAS THE TIME I STARTED FEELING RELAX "HE IS OUT OF MY LIFE & IM HAPPY THT I M OUT OF IT AT RIGHT TIME OTHERWISE WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I WOULD HAVE GOT TO KNOE IT AFTER OUR MARRIGE"
now i hav make myself busy in my work & i m far fine now & i know i m stong WHY TO CRY 4 A PERSON WHO NEVER RESPECTED UE EMOTIONS im HAPPY & will be back in life v soon :-)
Hi, everyone. I found this information while doing some research and I wanted to post it. Unfortunately I don't know the exact URL where I got some of this information. However, I am publishing it anyway because I believe the writer and I have the same goals and that is to give people the support they need to go on and have a good life. This information can be found on any site dealing with the prevention of suicide.
The goal of this hubpage is to give people coping resources. Often what I and others have written here won't seem like enough. If this sounds like you, then please take a moment to read this short post and use these resources to help you cope.
I want to make sure that everyone has the resources they need because when pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result and those can be common feelings as we process heartache. Suicidal thoughts and the thought that you can't go on without your significant other or with the heartache result of your pain to coping resources being out of balance. You have more pain that you have the ability to cope with it.
According to the things I just read people often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
It is okay to ask for help. Try:
• Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
• Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
• Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
• Call a psychotherapist
• Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.
These same resources can be of help if you are thinking of harming someone else to relieve the pain.
Please be kind to you.
i know how it feels and for anyone trying to get over someone who you love its not easy, expecially when you love that person more than life, and truth be told, theres really nothing that can be done, you can try and forget, i did it works somewhat but eventually somehting will remind you of them my situation may not be as bad as some of the others ones but everyone goes through this once, and if you dont your lucky becuase this feeling the feeling of sadness and hating life, and feeling like i have bricks on my stomach is brutal, i got to attached to quick, and i believed what she said, and maybe she ment it but maybe not but i was stupid and i still think of her everyday
Hi
I had this wonderfull relationship..Unluckly I belonged to a community where parent have a huge role to play in our lives..On fine day she told me that she cant be with me reson being her parent are againt it!!!!!!...and she still loves me and will love me her entire life and me to have a better life and left!!????....
I feel truly lost after this..Cos i have dremt to leave with her....I talked to her parents seems to be not working out...I dont know i am jus too lost .....I wanna move over it but am too stuck with hopeing that she will come back.....I dont know should I be baleming my self for the mess am in...I am lost....jus stuck with tgt that she will come back...Matter has become worse after she told me she still loves me...I just dont understand all this...how can she keep loving me and leave with somebdy else...I am just finding it too hard to move on....Cos I lived for her more than myself
Hi
I had this wonderfull relationship..Unluckly I belonged to a community where parent have a huge role to play in our lives..On fine day she told me that she cant be with me reson being her parent are againt it!!!!!!...and she still loves me and will love me her entire life and me to have a better life and left!!????....
I feel truly lost after this..Cos i have dremt to leave with her....I talked to her parents seems to be not working out...I dont know i am jus too lost .....I wanna move over it but am too stuck with hopeing that she will come back.....I dont know should I be baleming my self for the mess am in...I am lost....jus stuck with tgt that she will come back...Matter has become worse after she told me she still loves me...I just dont understand all this...how can she keep loving me and leave with somebdy else...I am just finding it too hard to move on....Cos I lived for her more than myself
SJ, I know how you feel...are you Indian too? My boyfriend told me the same thing, that his parents will never accept me and he doesn't want to lose his parents. This is after being with me for 2 years and originally telling me that he will fight against his parents for me and he will never leave me! We were both born and raised in America and he still has these old-fashioned, narrow-minded, backwards parents and he's not man enough to stand up against them! And he also told me he loves me so much but it can never work.
It doesn't make ANY sense, I know. It's wrong and it's cheating...it's totally wrong to make someone fall in love with you and then leave them all broken hearted for your parents' sake. It's stupid and cowardly.
Now in my case, the thing with his parents was just part of his reason to leave me. He also had 100 other excuses, like he's too young and not ready for a serious relationship, etc., etc. So I think his main reason was that he just somehow stopped caring about me and just wasn't interested in having a romantic relationship with me anymore. That hurts my heart so so so so badly, more than anything else ever has in the world. Because what I felt for this guy was deeper than I've ever felt before...I love him to death and I can't imagine ever feeling like this for any other guy. I can't forget him.
So SJ my heart goes out to you. What she did to you is UNFAIR. But sweetie you have to somehow move on. Because if she didn't love you enough to fight for you now, she wouldn't have been a good wife to you anyway. You need someone who is committed and loyal to you and will work out problems in a mature, adult way and not just run away like a scared baby. I don't know how you can stop loving her or wanting her or how to forget her and stop wishing she would come back to you...because I myself haven't been able to do that.
Please take care of yourself and talk to as many friends and family members you can find who are caring a supportive to you. Give yourself time to heal.
Good luck!! :)
Yes Flower,as you said rightly I happend to be an Indian..Yup all my support so far was friends family..Thats my only source of inspiration for me now ...after living everyday of my life for her....
What irked me more is that it just took her a day to forget what ever i have done to her...I am just tryin to come into terms with all this.....
Now I myself took the pain of talking to her dad...but what would I tell him when the girl has not even bothered to try...I knew i was loosing my self respect.....stil I callled him trying to do everything I can to keep her...all i felt after talking to him was that it would have happend if she wanted it to happen....I just cant belive this...till sunday she was telling she cant imagine living without me and on monday its all over....I have started comming out of the state of shock now.....just trying to keep myself occupied...Well her family members where mailing me over days giving crapy explation of life and experiecnces...
I dont know if I would ever be able to trust a girl in love again....now sweet memories with her has become more sort of nightmare for me...Well how long have been out of this...I hope that i just forget all this fast....I hate wakeing up in morning and checking if she has texted me...even knowing that she wont...
Thanks for the help..you to take care :).....
Yes Flower,as you said rightly I happend to be an Indian..Yup all my support so far was friends family..Thats my only source of inspiration for me now ...after living everyday of my life for her....
What irked me more is that it just took her a day to forget what ever i have done to her...I am just tryin to come into terms with all this.....
Now I myself took the pain of talking to her dad...but what would I tell him when the girl has not even bothered to try...I knew i was loosing my self respect.....stil I callled him trying to do everything I can to keep her...all i felt after talking to him was that it would have happend if she wanted it to happen....I just cant belive this...till sunday she was telling she cant imagine living without me and on monday its all over....I have started comming out of the state of shock now.....just trying to keep myself occupied...Well her family members where mailing me over days giving crapy explation of life and experiecnces...
I dont know if I would ever be able to trust a girl in love again....now sweet memories with her has become more sort of nightmare for me...Well how long have been out of this...I hope that i just forget all this fast....I hate wakeing up in morning and checking if she has texted me...even knowing that she wont...
Thanks for the help..you to take care :).....
Yes Flower,as you said rightly I happend to be an Indian..Yup all my support so far was friends family..Thats my only source of inspiration for me now ...after living everyday of my life for her....
What irked me more is that it just took her a day to forget what ever i have done to her...I am just tryin to come into terms with all this.....
Now I myself took the pain of talking to her dad...but what would I tell him when the girl has not even bothered to try...I knew i was loosing my self respect.....stil I callled him trying to do everything I can to keep her...all i felt after talking to him was that it would have happend if she wanted it to happen....I just cant belive this...till sunday she was telling she cant imagine living without me and on monday its all over....I have started comming out of the state of shock now.....just trying to keep myself occupied...Well her family members where mailing me over days giving crapy explation of life and experiecnces...
I dont know if I would ever be able to trust a girl in love again....now sweet memories with her has become more sort of nightmare for me...Well how long have been out of this...I hope that i just forget all this fast....I hate wakeing up in morning and checking if she has texted me...even knowing that she wont...
Thanks for the help..you to take care :).....
Thanks!This kinda helps.But my cat ran off and I cant get over it.Shes not just a cat..Shes like my sister.I love her and miss her.I dont know if i can ever get over this
Losing a pet is not small stuff. Most people will tell you they are closer to their pets than they are to most people. I'm sorry about your cat. It is my hope she returns to you. My animal friends have always been more family than anything and I always take separation from them hard. I know what you mean about her being like your sister. Animals are my favorite creations on earth. I wish you the best.
Hi Toni, I was crying while reading your article. It made me feel better to know that someone could put into words exactly all the things I have been going through and that someone actually understands. I fell in love with my best friend who was bound to be married to another girl. It wasn't my intention or anything. I just woke up one day having butterflies in my stomach whenever I find myself talking to him. I recognized the feeling immediately and tried to stop it but I couldn't. I fell. And it was a hard fall. He doesn't feel the same thing. I maybe someone special to him but not in the way I wanted it to be. For so many times, I tried to tell him how I felt but I could see how happy he is with his fiance so I quit trying. I could not risk losing the friendship anyway and I could not risk losing my self-respect if I tell him and he doesn't feel the same. I am willing to let go but things didn't turned out easily for me. What makes things a bit complicated is that I see him everyday at work. The mere sight of him triggers all the pain I am hiding inside. It felt so sad around him. The funny thing is that I have been faking laughs around him too. I love my job but this is not the working environment I dreamed of. I am no longer sure if this is healthy for me. Do you think I am shallow if I quit job?
Hi, it would not make you shallow if you quit your job however, it might make you self-destructive if you didn't have a job to go to and are the soul support of your household. Your emotional pain will have an outward appearnce as you will begin to lose things that do make you happy.
However, if you don't like the job and have the means to survive for 6 months without it or you have a career of your liking to start then go for it. Just make sure you aren't putting yourself in harms way just to avoid pain. Pain is natural you know. Suffering is something you can change either in an instant or over time as you come to terms with it. When I've quit jobs due to emotional pain...and I have, i look back and I wish I hadn't done so. But it might be the best thing for you. Ask yourself if you can afford to quit without having your own life become more depressing because you lack the resources to take yourself out and be kind to yourself.
Again, not a shallow decision. This is a deep decision with a lot of facets. Make sure you factor all your needs in.
Food, lodging, transportation, clothes, entertainment, and the rest are all important when you are healing yourself. Lack of these things makes it a lot harder.
Take care and keep strong. This too shall pass. A decade from now you might meet again and say a silent prayer that you missed the opportunity to be his mate after all.
Oh mine is so cliched. I was in an affair with a married man for a year and a half when his wife found out. He had been promising that they would divorce, he was making it happen, and how much he loved me. When she found out, no signs of anything changing and he was still trying to figure things out. I have never felt so low as I did at that moment. I thought he loved me enough. I thought he was at a point where he was leaving. I thought what he told me was the truth. So I am trying sweep up my dignity and self esteem from the floor and move on. It has been a disaster and I guess I was a revenge affair from his wife having an affair years ago. I thought he truly loved me. I thought I meant more than being "a dirty secret". I mean, we saw each other 3-5 times a week. He spent the night all the time. I just don't understand.
I’m no expert on affairs but I do know some people have a completely different take on fidelity. I don’t think a revenge affair lasts that long. That couple sounds like a mine field with a lot of issues to work out and you got caught in the mess. He was probably lying to himself as much or even more so than he was lying to you and his wife. He probably wanted it to be true and that makes no sense but it is a very common explanation when words and actions don’t line up.
Nothing is more difficult than getting hurt and not being able to tackle it with your logic. He may have gone home to his wife where he belonged but he didn’t go back intact. As Friedrich Nietzsche so eloquently said, “I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” These two have no trust between them.
What this man told you made sense to you at the time. It sounded plausible. Facts backed up what he was saying enough for you to believe him. It appeared he put in the time. You laid out a case that while cliche never feels cliche when it is happening to you I'm sure. You learned something. However, you didn't learn what you needed to learn and may never learn that information and that is the reason so you can understand. It isn't logical. It doesn't reconcile. There is duality. The best you can do is forgive yourself. Your senses, your logic usually make sense of what your heart can't but in a case where there is duality you can't. It is actually a great thing that this happens to so many people it is a cliche and that is you know it is a very human thing that happens to people and people move beyond it and you can as well without understanding but instead by the act of acceptance. Be gentle with you. Your dignity is intact. You are okay. Just human. Move forward. Handle you with care and you will be okay. His motives don't matter. Your motives do.
i just had my first major heartbreak. im so frantically in love with this girl. She is a friend of mine. but for three years i held it back because i know that its wrong. how come i felt so baDly in love with a woman when i myself is a woman too. i was so devastated when she told me that she has a boyfriend now. i am so inlove with her. im beginning to stay away from her.she has no idea why i suddenly become so cold to her.but i wanted to talk to her to clear things out how can i do it?when i already became indifferent to her. our friendship has grew colder and colder.
I had never felt so stupid, so betrayed and so, so hurt. I had found out that the man I had trusted completely and loved deeply had been cheating on me behind my back. He was my first, I gave him everything, body soul and heart and I never thought I was loving a stranger, a monster even. To my face, he was loving, loyal man, religious and has integrity. He even went to Bible school. I told him he was my angel. What a joke. I should have known he was nothing but a disgusting, lying hypocrite. I am still 26 years old but I don't think I will have the ability to love and trust again. He shattered my trust, he shattered my hear, he shattered my spirit. I don't believe in loving anymore. To me, its foolishness, a waste of time. I wish I will feel no more...
Jenny, it seems like you are having a lot of conflict within yourself because you are attracted to a woman. I think you should wait to talk to her about it until you feel strong within yourself about your own feelings toward that aspect. Feeling like it is wrong can also make you feel more vulnerable to begin with. Because you don't know how she feels about this type of situation it could be a lot harder for you. If you need to clear the air then I think you need to plan the what where when and how and make sure you have an idea of what you will do in case of the worst case scenario. It is important that you set things up so this empowers you and doesn't make you feel worse. Take your time, don't force it and do what is right for you when it is right for you. It seems like you've already put distance between you and revisiting it might make it harder on you. Only you know what is right for you. Trust yourself and be your own advocate.
Reese, people do shatter your trust. We have to love anyway. It will be difficult for you to love and trust again but you will. Think of the alternative of living your life as a bitter, distrusting, lonely person. It is worth taking a chance to experience the joy of family and love. It will not save you from heart ache if you avoid love it will only lock you into the numbness. It will only rob you of the goodness of life. He is not every man he is one man with out any moral compass. Love isn't foolish but thinking so now is a way to cope with the pain. It is a natural way to protect the injury to your heart. Your first person is the person that sets the tone however you need to take the lessons learned and move forward and expect more. I thought my own first was going to be the person I grew old with but a major betrayal ended that. Loves that followed have all been better and stronger. It might open you up to understand people who are far different from you as you can see how something, one event can change a person's life and let them fall from grace. It can be transmuted into something that will make you a better more loving person if you let it. Take care of yourself. You were not foolish he was and you got caught in the wake of his destruction.
I found alot of what was written here very useful in taking a step back and looking at what I am experiencing for what it is, so thankyou for that! However, I am a complete cynic maybe (this is something my ex brought up as one of many reasons we are no longer compatible, which actually translate into things he thinks r wrong with me) but all the talk of soulmates etc, isn't that what gets us into this trouble to begin with? When do you know if you are being too picky or expecting too much too soon? Why can some people, (like my ex) move on so quickly and be perfectly contented? Mr right never seems to come along of his own accord and if it's not really love then why does it hurt so much?
There are different types and levels of love. There is the love of creation and love of our fellow man and love of companionship and love of romantic bliss and love that is brought on by circumstances and that born of lust or something else. Some people seem to have a different concept of love and we don't know it until we are confronted with it. It might not be wrong just different. A soul mate doesn't have to be a romantic relationship and it doesn't have to last for than a chance meeting at a cafe but the impact is important.
Soul mates don't get us in trouble so much as mistaking someone for a soul mate who isn't or is only for a while. I think to know if you are too picky or not you should take the Myers briggs temperament sorter and also one of the chemestry.com quizes and they give you a pretty good idea of what is going on inside of you. E harmony is good too but the quiz is really long but very accurate. I suspect you aren't expecting too much. It takes a while for Mr. Right, or Mr. still human but you can live with their humanity and they accept yours to come along. During the wait it is good to learn about yourself so you appreciate yourself. I really believe we should learn to love honor and cherish ourselves before inviting someone else in. But virtually nobody would be married if they did that as it is hard work. It hurts because it is love and it is also trust and a crashed investment so there is loss and mourning for the idea of what you thought it would be. Learn about yourself and you will find the good you have to offer and what you are looking for in a mate and that is the first step to finding a good one. Keep strong.
My divorce was final in Feb. of 09. But I have been separated for about a year. And I keep going back and forth with many feelings of hurt,anger,depression. I will feel good for a while, then back to being upset. Something will bring back a memory and I will get depressed or sometimes a memory will make me smile. I know that my marriage is over, and the relationship I was in was unhealthy. My ex-husband was and is a good person but he had drug problems that he will deal with for the rest of his life that I cannot deal with the rest of mine. He was in the army and I waited for him for 15 months to come home from Iraq, for him to go off the deep end on a drug binge, and put my daughter and myself in danger. I feel like I wasted so much time, loving someone who took it for granted and chose drugs over family. He has abandoned my daughter and me. I feel like I will always love him and he will always love me, but I cant spend my life with someone who is a drug addict. I just can't stand all of these mixed emotions. How long does it take to get through this? I want to be happy again, and move on, and it seems impossible sometimes.
I don't know how long it lasts. Some parts of it will undoubtedly last a life time. You had a child with this man. I don't think we ever waste time by loving someone unless we had expectations of a return on our investment and put all other aspects of our lives on hold. Loving someone is a wonderful thing when it is good and painful when it is not, sometimes even when it's great. But as long as you move your own life forward while you wait you are doing something to benefit yourself. Raising your child is at least one thing you did during that time that is of value. You made the right decision to protect yourselves and you need to know that you might always feel this way about this man but you will find love again and that will replace most of the bad feelings. Don't expect another relationship to alleviate ALL the memories and pain as I can attest to being happy now but still hurt from time to time by the disillusionment of the past even 20 years after the fact. I expect the best thing to do is to accept that it is okay to feel the way you feel and go on. It's okay and it will be better in the future.
okay, so theirs this boy in my church class that i have to see every Sunday, Tuesday and sometimes in the neighborhood. but the thing is i like him so much i cant breath, read a sentence out loud from a book, or even talk around him. i don't know if he likes me cause i cant be myself around him. so i think he has started liking someone else. so how do i get over this heart break? how can i learn to just be myself so he can learn to be my friend or even his true feelings about me, or mine for him. desperately need your help.
love,
Andie
My now ex bf of eight months says he no longer wants me. He said that he loved me and cared about me but doesn't want me now but maybe in the future. and this hurts so terribly. Like how can he let go of everything we had? all the good times and everything we have been through. and in less than two days after the breakup he is already talking to other women. the pain is unbearable at times. and I don't feel I can get through it
I'm having such a hard time getting over this boy who I met when I was 15 and then ran into him again when I was 18; a month and a half ago. We hit it off all over again and we started going out and within 2 weeks. Then he moved into my parents house with me beacuse his parents were going to move back to Idaho. But after he has lived with me for a good month and I am really falling in love with him and he is falling for me, he decides that moving to Idaho with his family would be his best bet...being with his family, being in his home town, and there are better opportunities for him. Even though this is true I can't help but be selfish and want him to stay even if he wouldn't be really truly happy. We both love eachother but we know it won't be the same since we will be far away from eachother. He just left earlier today and I am in shock, I feel like my whole world is wrong, I'm missing my piece. I can't sleep at night because my bed feels so empty without him laying next to me. And I feel really weird without his attention and company all the time. We still text and talk on the phone when we can. But what can I do to help myself get over the fact that he is not going to be around anytime soon...and what to do to help my heart heal...it just hurts so much to have your soul mate ripped right from you. Please help, I'm miserable.
Long distance relationships take extra work and some people don't think it is realistic. People who have a loved one at war, or away for some other reason but manage to keep to together would not agree. Relationships can survive. However, it is a very difficult life style and requires trust and patience beyond what a face to face relationship requires. In time you two will find out what is really best for you. Right not it is an experiment you are trying. He might not be happy with his parents. You won't know until later. You can assign yourself tasks each day to better yourself and to pamper yourself and take good care of yourself emotionally and physically. Take good care of yourself for your true love and leave it open to if you have met that match or not. Just know that you want to be ready should he return or your true love show up on the scene. It takes time and dedication to repair a broken heart. You can do it. I have been away from the one I love a lot and i know the pain first hand. Being gentle with yourself is important to your success and healing. I feel like everything I just said would sound hallow to me if I were you but I have been you and I am telling you that one day at a time, one moment at a time committing to making the best of my moments has helped me. Take care!
This website is truly helpful in the healing process. I've come to it now for 2 days in a row. I had known my ex for 6 months, and dated for 4 months. She is an amazing person and it felt like I had known her for years and years. We had a distance occur in our relationship where both of us went home for the summer from college, and everything went great for the first month and a half... I visited her and it was great, but all of a sudden when she came to visit me 2 weeks later she wasn't excited or happy anymore... it was like a chore to come visit me. While down at my place she told me it wasn't the same anymore and she was really confused but didnt want to end us. She said she didn't need me. She wanted time and space...to make a decision. 2 weeks later, I made her upset and the next morning I called her we had an emotional talk and we broke up. After that she told me I was a great person and still loved me and wish it didn't have to be like this. We remained friends the rest of the summer and she kinda strung me along and played with my heart because we still talked almost everyday in texting and facebook. I got my hopes up of getting back with her when school started again, but when I saw her in person again it just wasn't the same anymore. I told her I couldnt talk to her for a long time and I deleted her from my facebook which made her really angry/upset. I feel guilty because instead of just letting things work out and giving her time and space, I complicated everything even more by accusing her of leaving me for another guy and so many other things that pushed her away from me further. I love her to the death and wish someone would hit a button and this nightmare would be over. I can't help but think what shes doing now and then. Its really hard to fight the temptation of trying to talk to her again and try and make it all right again. But everytime I think about trying to talk to her again I get a lump in my throat of fear in that she will not be understanding or nice to me and I will just get hurt again. I'm really scared of imagining my life without her in it. Ive been in the heartbreak stage since about a month and a half ago, but it hasnt really started until I got back to college 4 days ago and completely ended all communication with her. Its one of the hardest things Ive ever done in my life. Im really confused on what I can do from here on out... I really want her back in my life because shes a great person and I wouldnt mind having her as a friend again, but the damage might already be done and I don't have another chance or I might just fall into temptation of being with her again and get hurt.
This might be a storm you just have to ride out. Just don't let yourself get so sick that you get behind in your schoolwork or find some other reason to sabotage another aspect of your life. Break ups and heart aches are at the roots of a lot of personal crossroads where people go down a path that wasn't as glorious as the one they were on. That scenario is very common. You are worthy and I am sure she is worthy too. If it is meant to be then when you feel stronger like you can handle a rejection from her without crumbling then it will come together but, well begun is half done and the beginning of the school year, the way you do your homework and follow through is really how it is going to be the whole semester. It is easy to talk yourself into being emotionally sick and fall into a funk that can cost you your education and a shot at a brighter future.
Being deleted from someone's face book is hard. But it seems like you were doing it from a position of self-protection and should you talk again maybe that can be explained if it hasn't been already. It is hard to learn why someone broke up with you but it is harder to not know at all and be left in the dark. If you want another chance to speak with her then you will make that happen. Sometimes people want their cake and to eat it too... have you but not have you. The way you were talking it seemed like you were being strung along but without any defined arrangement and well, love or not if you are going to be the "Incase" person then well, you have to find the strength to believe you deserve more not only from her but from anyone. Believing that will strengthen your resolve and might attract her or someone who does want you within the boundaries of a solid relationship.
I really enjoyed the article and know that I am definitely going through the stages of grief. I am stuck in the denial/bargaining stage. I just found out 2 weeks on my b-day that my boyfriend of 6 years whom I have a child with cheated on me with a GUY and was on swinger websites posing as a single male looking for sex from anyone. I am devastated and can't grasp what is going on, men, women, couples. The pain is agonizing and feels like it will never end. I can't understand how he could hurt me this way. He says he has a problem, sex addiction and that hes not "Gay" or "bi". I want to believe him but I don't. He's acting like this isn't a big deal and that our relationship was full of problems so it's time to move on anyway. I feel so helpless and can't stop asking how and why? I've been a good g/f, a good mother and now I just feel pathetic. I can't think about anything else and just want this pain to end. I am having nightmares and extreme anxiety. I try to be happy and go out for my sons sake but inside I feel horrible. How do I let go of something that is literally consuming my every thought and move?
I find this webpage very helpful. It makes you feel stronger to see there are others like you in the world. When we are not alone we will be more likely to overcome our pain. I was recently thinking that it would be nice if there was a community where people in the same position or more important still, people who had overcome heart break could share their experiences. Maybe this webpage can be a place for sharing experiences and comforting each other.
I would love that.
thanks but i dont think that will make me get over the love of my life that i love alot.
For the first time in my life I am the bad guy. I hurt the woman I Love. I was secretly dating a woman I worked with for a little while. I'll call her Nicole. I really loved her. She said she loved me but her actions at times wouldn't line up. She would ignore me when we were out together and she would tell our friends who knew something was going on that she didn't like me and never would. After a while I tired of this to the point when I just told her I wanted to be friends and nothing else. I knew she was bad for me. But my heart wasn't in it. I still loved her deeply. Shortly before I told her this I met another woman. I'll call her jaimee. She was and is the most remarkable person I know.At first she tried giving me advice about my secret lover but love began to grow between us and caught us both by surprise. i started dating her. So my situation was I was dating one woman whom I loved and i was still in love with someone else whom I worked with. So I lied. Alot.I was with jaimee but my heart was still lingering over the memorie of me and Nicole. I told Nicole how much i still loved her while telling Jiamee the same. Truth was if nicole would have got her act together I would have left jaimee for her. One day she did...and I did leave jaimee. I broke her heart. She left the state and refused to speak to me for a time. Meanwhile me and Nicole weren't doing so well. My heart ached for jaimee and I knew that it was her I loved. I realized that Nicole didn't care about me. She just didn't want to lose. So I broke things off with her again. I was ashamed of what i had done and broken by the emensity of the mistake I had made. Me and jaimee began to speak again. One day she told me that she still loved me. The next week i left my job my home my possessions except for 3 pairs of clothes and my friends and family. I bought a bus ticket and went to her. She was everythign to me it just took me too long to realize it. I knew my chances were slim to none to win her back but I had to try. its been more than a month here in this new place with no support system and shes made it painfully clear that there is no future for us but a friendship that I should feel lucky to have. Shes right. So I am the villian here and I have lost, rightfully so. However even the bad guy hurts. I gave up my entire life for her. i have nothing and no one here. Depression and grief has set in and it wittles me away slowly everyday. I used to make a living as a musician and now I can't even play anymore. The world is colorless without her. Is there hope for redemption for me or does the villian die young in this story? Any advice would help.
You do not die young. Life is about learning. You are not a villain. Forgive yourself. You are only human. Good enough is perfect. You did the best you could at the time. It is impossible to do the more than what you are capable of at the time. This has caused you to grow. Growth hurts. You willingly take responsibility for your part in all this and nobody can do more than that without doing themselves a great injustice. The other two women were adults and they too were doing their best. Mistakes were made as the politicians say. Yes, they were but you can't suffer the rest of your life to make amends. It is impossible to suffer enough to go back in time and fix things so you are going to have to make the best of your life from this point forward. It is best to learn this lesson when you are young. Most men and women learn this in middle age when they feel like they need something or someone else to hold on to their fleeting youth. Love doesn't even enter into it much of the time. That is the real crime.
You are guilty of one thing; not knowing exactly what you wanted at a time when a critical decision was to be made. That happens to someone every second of ever day around the world. You were at a fork in the road and you made a decision you weren't 100% sure of.
You said you had to try to see if this could work. You made the decision. You feel it isn't working. Now, it is time for some more choices. Making choices with a heavy heart is not easy but you are going to have to do it. There is information on decision making all over the internet. I like Ben Franklin's method but there are others that also break down the consequences of the decisions you are about to make and that might be helpful as well.
You are not "Lucky" to have her as a friend. Real friends don't feel like they are doing you a favor. You are worthy of friendship. You are either forgiven or not forgiven. Time will heal this if she is your friend. This might not be the time. Sometimes we keep people in our lives because we loved them at one time and the pain we have over the loss of that love can exert it's self when we don't want it to and make us say and do things we regret. I suspect this is the case with your friend. Time will tell how this goes but right now you need to focus on you and your life and your strength and overcoming or living as best you can with the depression. Of course there are meditations, medications and other ways to deal with depression. My preference is for long car rides or hikes in nature. Nature is a great healer. But you must act on the depression and actively push yourself to do things that benefit you even when you feel unworthy or like a villain because those two things are false. You are guilty of being human and young and in love and not knowing how to do those things successfully yet. That is all understandable and forgivable. So, stop beating yourself up. That is the world's job. You must be on your side good bad or anything else.
Pick up the instrument and write as many horrible songs as you can. Play as many bad cords as you can. Eventually you will get sick of hearing bad things and start playing the good music you were born to play. Just do it.
Do you want to go back home? Then go. If people say you were foolish or you have a mess to clean up clean it up. Just tell them the gambler knows what the winner will never understand. Music has wisdom in it. You learned a lesson others haven't even got to yet. This information will help you help someone in the future and it has cleaned away some things you needed to learn so when you do find the right person, and you will, you will be that much better of a mate.
The only thing that would make you a villain is if you blamed the other persons more than you blame yourself and decided to exact revenge to even the score. You didn't do that.
No decision has to be made today. However you need to figure out how you want to spend your future. Speaking as an only child who has had to make their own support nearly every where I went, I can tell you that you need to get out there and meet people and make your own support network. If you need financial support actively seek it out. If you need a bus ticket sometimes help organizations will help you. If you haven't gotten a college degree or skill start the process. Learning something can be a great way to improve your self worth. There is financial aid and scholarships available to nearly everyone for one reason or another. Do something you can be proud of. Go to meet-ups in your area that talk about a subject you are passionate about. Go to open mic nights and play your instrument. Go to a spiritual gathering even if you don't have any feelings of this sort. It is good to see how people can be motivated to love without condition by a strong belief. Go to the weekend events they mention in the news paper most of them are free or low cost. Volunteer at a center for people in need. Get yourself out there.
In this way you can cultivate and create a support system.
Choose a place to live where you think you would like, or where your skills are needed. YOu can find that out using the computer. Save up and get yourself there.
If you feel suicidal reach out for help. There is no shame. Forgiving yourself for making an error is the appropriate thing. Asking for forgiveness is important but getting it from others isn't important. You must forgive yourself and go on. Keep strong.
Thanks Toni. That helps alot. Much appreciated.
hi there. i was just googling on how do i move on from a heartache and i found your article.
i broke up three months ago. he was my first love and we broke up 3 times over a span of 2 years. but each time during our break up, he'll hook up with a girl like RIGHT after our break up. I have caught him emotionally cheating on me many times by chatting with his x gfs and x crush behind my back. each break up was really hard for me and it was hell because we had the same clique of friends, we go to the same uni and basically, my life revolves around him! everywhere i go i am reminded of him. :(
the past 2 break ups have been a terrible one because we'll be enemies. he refuses to talk to me and moves on and carries on with life. but he knows that i'll always be there for him and when it comes to me, there is always that extra limit he can push and he takes it for granted. i know all of these yet i still conveniently allow him to do so. sigh.
but this break up i insisted on us being friends and keeping in touch. we hung out everyday till the extent sometimes, we became friends with benefits. i hated it because i wanted him to love me. what made it so hard was to go out with him daily when last two weeks i found out that he was actually cheating behind my back with 3 girls. i didnt even confront him. i played pretend and suppressed all my feelings inside. I really didnt want to destroy our so called friendship. so seeing him everyday was really difficult when there's so much i wish i could say to him but yet i pretended to be happy.
on the surface, we're friends. but how i have been there for him for the past 3 months was like his gf. and just yesterday he told me he's ready to take this girl out and he would like me to not be so close and intimate with him.
i don't know what hurts more, i really don't have the courage to walkaway from this pain i put myself thorugh and cut contact because i have no choice but to see him everyday. yet at the same time, i know i cant stand seeing him with another girl in front of me when i have not moved on and i have to pretend like i'm okay!
so what can a girl like me do?
i have been crying myself off to sleep for the past 3 months and wake up crying too.
it's like a phase i barely left because i have been through this break up process twice before this.
please help me.
the heartache is so painful that i can literally feel the physical pain. i lost my best friend for him. and i have no one else, im not exaggerating but yeah, all i have is Him that's why i hang out with him so often.
just yesterday we argued because he insisted that he met someone new and i finally told him i found out bout him cheating behind my back but he didnt feel one bit remorse about it. sigh. i have not heard from him. i don't have the courage to love myself even if i wanted to. please knock some sense into my head.
I just broke up with my boyfriend last week. it is still in the beginning phase and feels very raw. we have been doing a long distance relationship for 2months, since i had to come back to my home country to finish my studies and was planning to go back to his country to live. we have nearly been together a year, and i know it is not very long to start planning a life with someone, he is also 8years older than me, but i truely feel that he was the one for me, i am young, but i was prepared to plan my life with him. last week he said that 'it was for the best' he didnt want me to make such a big decision based on him, but it is still so hard to think that he doesnt want me to come over and be with him in a few months. he said he wasnt sure if he loved me anymore, and that i need to make decisions for myself, that i am still young and that maybe in the future we will meet again. it is hard as i still want to go back to london and start my career, but hard to think he will not be there for me. i just dont know if i should just let him go, and get on with my life, or have hope that we will be together if i go back, or not. i dont want to live life with any regrets, but i still think that if he really did love me, there would be no unsureness, he would want to be with me and wait for me. i know i deserve someone that would give any thing for me, and i thought he was, but maybe life got in the way? do i fight for what i love, or let it go..?
The decision is yours however, you are 100% right about one thing already and that is you deserve someone who would give anything to be with you. That means you can trust your judgement and count on yourself to factor yourself in and your own needs when making this decision and that is a very good thing.
It would be very difficult to take anyone saying they didn't think they loved you any more. There is a saying distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well, it also works in the opposite way. I think it is better said that distance makes the heart make it's decision clearer. If you are away only a couple of months and it the relationship is already feeling stress then that may be a worry for you any time are separated in the future if you do get back together. But that isn't fatal to a relationship. It doesn't have to mean that you two won't make it if you both want it. 8 years is not a great amount of age difference. Maturity and pragmatism are qualities that are not always in line with a person's age. It sounds like it is a concern and that he wants the best for you as well.
I don't know if he is an honest person and telling you his true feelings on his love for you or considering the weight of someone moving to his country for him as too scary or too much of a burden and is just telling you that he is doing this for himself as well.
Communication and reflection are things you will need to do more of. You will make the right choice for you. Just know that no decision needs to be made today and that you can take your time and really examine both your choices and his feelings for you and make the right decision. Sometimes the brain can make a better decision when the heart is too involved. Look at the choice from an outsider's perspective, or as if you were making the decision for someone else who meant a great deal for you. Sometimes giving yourself a little distance makes making the right decision easier.
hey toni, i was really hoping to hear from you on my side of the story.
Thanks for some comfort at a terrible time.
I'm commenting because I want people to know that age doesn't change the ability for heartbreak to happen or make it easier to handle.
I'd reached a place where in mid 50's, I'd recovered from a long relationship which ended 6 years ago, since when I've establsihed a happy, free mind, in a celibate but fulfilled lifestyle, where I had no desire or expectation of another relationship.
Until on a 4th chance meeting, a guy 16 years younger, asked out of the blue if I'd consider a younger man as he found me very attractive. To cut to the chase after more time we started a relationship and having sex - it was so lovely and then suddenly nothing. No contact, calls just questions and pain!
I feel a devastation in all ways, that seems ridiculous at my age but maybe age doesn't change such pain.
I'd like men to understand the pain they cause when they don't do the decent thing and communicate they want to end things rather than behave like this. I sit with tears pouring down my face, feeling sad, hurt, in physical pain and utterly delusioned.
I recently found this website and it has been very comforting to read that other people are feeling the same feelings I am.
My bf recently broke up with me after nearly 3 years of dating over email explaining he had "moved on". At the time I didnt know what he meant by moving on, but I later found out by accident that it was because he had begun dating a friend I introduced him to. I was completely shattered and heartbroken, because this was the guy I gave my entire heart and soul to, and welcomed him into my life that no one had ever seen before. He was very close to my family and was a great bf.
We had many issues when dating, especially over jealousy issues. I do admit that i cheated on him several times, something I had never done in the past, and he by no means did not deserve it at all. I'm not even sure why I did it, but I regret it more than anything.
I wish I could have him back, but I know he is happy now and I dont have the right to ruin that, especially since it is mostly my fault we have broken up. I just wish somehow he gave me another chance, but I am not really sure I deserve it or how should I even go about getting another chance. I know that in the long run, things may not have worked out anyways. He was 6 years older than me and was content with his life and didnt really plan on doing much with it, whereas I am in college and plan on joining the military and traveling the world.
I think it maybe have been meant to be that we broke up because if I had stayed with him, I would probably not be in college right now doing what I really dreamed to be doing. I just wish he was here to share it with me, but he didn't really support my dreams, and especially hated the fact I wanted to join the military.
I know it takes time to get over your first love and heartbreak, but I learned that if it was meant to be, it would happen, even if it means breaking up and meeting again down the road or moving on to another better person who shares your values and interests. I just hope one day he can come back into my life, but if not, I hope I can find someone just as amazing as he was and perhaps even better :)
I recently found this website and it has been very comforting to read that other people are feeling the same feelings I am.
My bf recently broke up with me after nearly 3 years of dating over email explaining he had "moved on". At the time I didnt know what he meant by moving on, but I later found out by accident that it was because he had begun dating a friend I introduced him to. I was completely shattered and heartbroken, because this was the guy I gave my entire heart and soul to, and welcomed him into my life that no one had ever seen before. He was very close to my family and was a great bf.
We had many issues when dating, especially over jealousy issues. I do admit that i cheated on him several times, something I had never done in the past, and he by no means did not deserve it at all. I'm not even sure why I did it, but I regret it more than anything.
I wish I could have him back, but I know he is happy now and I dont have the right to ruin that, especially since it is mostly my fault we have broken up. I just wish somehow he gave me another chance, but I am not really sure I deserve it or how should I even go about getting another chance. I know that in the long run, things may not have worked out anyways. He was 6 years older than me and was content with his life and didnt really plan on doing much with it, whereas I am in college and plan on joining the military and traveling the world.
I think it maybe have been meant to be that we broke up because if I had stayed with him, I would probably not be in college right now doing what I really dreamed to be doing. I just wish he was here to share it with me, but he didn't really support my dreams, and especially hated the fact I wanted to join the military.
I know it takes time to get over your first love and heartbreak, but I learned that if it was meant to be, it would happen, even if it means breaking up and meeting again down the road or moving on to another better person who shares your values and interests. I just hope one day he can come back into my life, but if not, I hope I can find someone just as amazing as he was and perhaps even better :)
god where do i begin,i screwed up the best thing i ever had. Why u ask because i was scared, what man does that if u truly love someone, i am old enough to realize this by now.Also i was drinking to much and i was not faithfull to her.If u love someone u don't do that i guess it's a lesson to learn.I am just so pissed at myself it has been 4 months now and i can't get her out of my mind.Help me?She resentes me and wants nothing to do with me and i don't blame her i wish i could go back in time.There is so much to say but i just don't want to get into it.She knew what she wanted and i didn't until now i took her for granted and i will have to live with this until,i don't know how long! i give the world to get her back but she has moved on.She gave me so many chances and i never did anything about it.Dament what is wrong with me.Someone please respond? i am tired of going through this i am 37 and moving out of state to start over.I will never see or talk to her again.Her family laughs at me, I live in a resort town and it is a small town during the off season people know and i cant deal with it.I'm moving back up north 2 start over am i doing the right thing?
HELP SOMEONE !
it just happened yesterday
i cant eat
ive been throwing up
same exzact thing that happened to Tommy
"How can a person who loved me and promised me so much, wake up the next day and decide that she doesn't want to be in the realtionship anymore.. saying we have differences and that we might hate each other if we stay together.."
missing school
ive benn calling off work
sleeping for 3 hours a day
and throwing up
just out of the blue shes gone
no warning
tells me that i have a poor memory
is a good enough reason to break up
she is bipolar and on alot of meds
i want her back
thanks
Edward
When something is truly over, even if it is painful all that is left is to move on and to make some small step forward for yourself and to treat yourself with kindness. Moving to a different location can be helpful unless it is done without setting up the proper safety net, options, housing, jobs and maybe friends and family. If you leave without all that in place I promise you it could be a life altering event that eclipses the break up. Plan your move as carefully as you can and set the stage for a better life not just a different one. You know you and you know how to do this.
The song, "The Flame" by Cheap Trick is my song for that episode in my own life. I could not allow myself to be treated improperly but walking away was the hardest thing in my life except to keep walking and I did and I made a decent life, a life of value to myself and others and I loved again and even more deeply. It starts with a step.
People knowing that you are hurting is part of life. For one thing you learn a lot about who is real in your life and who is just playing around at being friends and family to you. So consider that an education. Some people will never know that they are only popular because their life conforms to some unspoken standard, not because of who you are. Those types of friends and acquaintances are unneeded. We all make errors. It is how we come out of them and how we use what we learned about ourselves and others that defines our character. Fidelity is one of the most important parts of a relationship even when the relationship has an open agreement it is so often really one sided and the other is suffering for the sake of the desire or love of the other. Most learn things like that the hard way. It is part of some peoples personal growth process.
I don't know what to say Edward. It is obvious you hurt. I don't want to blame her illness for the break-up but it might be a factor. Only time will tell if she is certain about this or if it was a reaction to a situation caused by the illness. I have a friend who is bi-polar and when her medication isn't taken she can say and so some pretty hurtful things.
The person who needs you right now is you. You are going to have to turn that pain into positive action to take care of yourself and do things to create a nurturing and healthful environment and lifestyle for yourself. Getting to talk to someone might help you so try to find a trusted friend, family member, clergy or counselor. Get back to work as soon as you can because as I'm fond of saying, you can't feel bad enough to undo the past so you need to work on feeling better and improving your present and future without her for now, or for as long as it takes. You are valuable. Change, especially relationship change is frightening stuff and so devastating to the heart but you are worth the trouble so please take positive steps to heal yourself day by day, moment by moment even if you have to fake it and stand as a happy person, talk like a happy person and do things happy people do until you become that happy person and either she or someone better will come into your life.
D, I'm sorry I didn't comment. I am terminally busy and every now and again I miss a comment. I apologize. My opinion, and it's worth what it's worth...you deserve better and you need to be your own advocate and do what it takes to make healthy choices and factor yourself in. Nobody deserves to be the down time person, the fall back person and the chronically cast asside person. If that was happening to me I would start doing everything I could to find out why I keep allowing this to happen to me and do my best to make a change for the positive, putting my own heart and my own needs first. If I thought that I needed a person who treated me so poorly then I would try to find some support that would teach me to value my time and my emotional and spiritual worth and measure every future encounter with the question, "Is this person worth the time I am spending on them and never going to get back?" and if the answer was, "No," then I'd force myself to choose something better for myself even if it took more courage and more strength than I thought I had. His infidelity could bring health problems to your door and you are worth way more than that. I wish you all the best.
Oh, D, I would give you marching orders if you were my family member. I'd lay down the law and probably tell the person to never show their face around you again...but that would be stealing your anger and put you in a position where you would feel compelled to defend him. I think it is often better to keep my mouth shut and give you and opportunity to hear yourself and realize you have a right to be angry and hurt and that you need to make a positive change without anyone butting in. :) It is difficult for those who watch people suffer to watch in silence until it is time to make the change.
Richdav...It doesn't matter what your age pain is pain, rejection is rejection. I hope your peace will be recovered soon.
Hey I really liked your article and it has helped. But my situation is I really like his guy for ages but nothing happened. When we first met it was clear we both liked each other and there was something there. But nothing came out of that but we stayed close and friends. But i went on holiday and when i got back i found out that him and my best friend were now going out.
this was 4 months ago and i still feel horrible i still go out with both of them becuase they are in my group of friends but i hate seeing them together.
My best friend told me herself that they were going out and she said that becuase nothing happened with me and him it was okay but i really canot stand them togther. she knew that i really liked him and yet she still did it.
im not best friends with her anymore but i still see them both at wekends.
after al of this i still really like him and its really hard for me to see them togther i think i actually might be in love with him. but can i be in love with someone that i have not had a realtionship with?
please give me some advice i need it!
This type of stuff happens way too often. It seems like telling someone you like someone is often like drawing a target on the object of your desire's back and the friend just has to take a shot at them. It happened to me and it happened to other women I know more than once.
If your friend and the guy were in love and they had to be together because they had that magical attraction and thought there might be a future there then I guess it would be very nice of you to take the hit for love but still hurtful of her to do that. There is a boundary issue there that was crossed. Did he know you liked him? I mean, was it said? If it was said then he made a choice to be with the other girl fully as a fully informed person. In effect he chose her and she him. Otherwise it seems like she went for him cause you guys took too long to get together and that isn't cool. She was informed and went for it anyway. Friends aren't supposed to do that to each other.
Attraction is powerful stuff. To answer your question about loving someone without having had a relationship. Yes, you can. In a slowed down environment where you get to know someone before you "hook-up." It is often the case where people find they are in love before the first day occurs. They hang out, they become friends, they learn they have a lot of things in common or that they drive each other crazy but seem to enjoy that banter and then they feel a desire to be around the person more and more and think about their conversations and look forward to the next time they talk. Then as they talk they awaken to feelings of love and finally someone asks someone out and then the real courtship occurs, after they realize they love the other person. Lots of people start the dating process and then learn that they have nothing in common with the other person. If you are truely loving the person possession doesn't have to occur. You can enjoy the fact that the person you love is feeling happy and that is a reward to a loving heart. However, if you feel like you want to possess the person ( I don't mean that in a bad way. Marriage and dating seriously are what I am talking about.) then you have to be attracted to someone who wants that with you as well or you won't be happy. Most pain is caused by refusing to accept what is. I wouldn't like to see them together either. I would have to either change the way I loved him to being one of a larger universal love or stay away from something that would be quite painful for me. Time will play this out. If they are meant for each other then they will be together and you will find someone else. However, if this is love then at some point in the future you two will meet and the time will be right and you will remember a time when you didn't go forward and lost the opportunity and you will tell him you have liked him for a long time. If your girlfriend says something you can always tell her,"It's okay since you guys weren't together any more." Make sure you take care of yourself and have fun and keep going forward and if it is right all will be revealed in time and if it is wrong this is the best miss you ever had cause it frees you up for your true love.
Thank you so much for you help!
And yes he did know that we liked each other but yes it took too long and we never "hooked-up" but eventually my best friend and him did.
But im just finding it hard to see them together and i get really jealous of being round them. Especially as me best mate (the girl) is a bit of a player and likes to treat them mean keep them keen. She doesnt seem to respect her boyfriend and she flirts with all his mates.
The guy does get annoyed at her but never wants to break up with her, he lets her walk all over him! It just makes me think I would be so happy with him and never treat him that way yet he is with her!
I came across this article while looking for something to help me deal with my own pain. It's nice to see that I'm not alone. Although I am going through an emotional break-down at this time, I'm at the opposite end than pretty everyone who has commented here. I'm the bad person in the relationship. I'm not saying that to beat myself up. I'm the person that pretty much ripped the heart out of someone else and stomped on it. I can't explain why I did it. I guess maybe it's because I'm self-destructive. I took someone who did nothing less than adore me, Saw that I could do no wrong. Thought the world of me. Yet, I hurt him over and over by toying with his emotions. Hurting him made me feel more confident. When he thought that he was even coming close to losing me, he fought long and hard to keep that from happening. Every time he did, I felt more and more loved and it made me stronger. It was all at his expense. You don't do that to someone who loves you like that. He never did anything wrong. He looked past my cruel tactics. I could do no wrong in his eyes. Believe it or not, I loved him. He had my full heart and yet never knew it because I was too busy being selfish and cruel. Finally, I got what I deserved. He walked away from me to repair his life. He can't bear to see me without welling up with tears but he's being strong and avoiding me. He's not listening to my apologies. It's true, I don't deserve him and I am now learning the truth that you don't know how much you really love someone until you lose them. I don't deny that I deserve to feel the pain that I've put him through. I truly believe that at this point in time, I've learned a lesson. I've learned to respect someone when they give you their heart. I am now an emotional wreck and going through the pain that he is probably experiencing as well. I can't get closure when I know that he will never forgive me. Do I deserve to be forgiven? I'd do almost anything to get him back but I know that it will never happen. I can't stand myself right now. I'm deservingly heart broken. I'm remorseful. I have this pain that I can't get away from and at times I litterally drive myself crazy. I don't know what to do with myself. Reading these comments have only broken my heart even more. He is the person that most of these people would deserve to have.
Thanks Toni, your comments have helped enormously. You have obviously felt the pain yourself and can relate to others who are going through the same thing. I am one of those people. I was engaged to a local man for 6 months before he ended our relationship, saying that he doesn't feel that passionate love for me anymore. It came out of the blue, and after a text message he sent to me by mistake..meant for his ex of a few years ago who has since re-married. In it he said he would barrack for her team that day, that he still loved her and ended the text XxX. They had meet by chance earlier that day and she was very repentant for breaking up their relationship the 3 or 4 times that she did. He said he didn't mean that he loved her in that way, he just meant it as a parting comment..a throw-away line..for example, "Yes, see you later, still love you, bye." but of course for me it was devastating. I broke off our engagement, but I still wanted to see him and said to him we can get back that trust and be stronger than ever in time..but I needed to heal. I didn't hear from him much that week, and he ended it a week after that. I have felt so horrible ever since. I loved and still love that man so much. I live, eat and breathe him. I know I deserve better, but there is no-one here in this small town like him. I have said to him that if he changes his mind I would like to see him again. He said I would be the first to know if he gets that desire to see me again, but at the moment, he has no desire to be in a relationship at all. He is a loner and fills his day going to work, then working out at the gym. Then he gets home, cooks dinner for himself and his teenage daughter then reads and goes to bed. Pretty lonely life. He admits it. So here I am, hoping to get back with him. Some other men have expressed an interest in being with me.. I know I am attractive and have a good career,ect. but no-one will do except him. He has unique qualities that I haven't seen before..he brought out the best in me and was great for my children. I'm trying to put my best foot forward, take small steps, etc, but my heart is still aching. It has been 2 months since the text now. Waiting for him is torture..it might not happen, but my intuition tells me he just might. Earlier in the year he asked me to marry him and said he was very in love with me. So how can he turn his feelings off like this?
KarenR, I hope you are doing okay. You will recover from these feelings if you give yourself the time and space to heal. I want to make sure you know I am just a person, with no credible initials behind my name so anything I say is just my opinion as a compassionate listener. I suspect there is a reason you were unhappy unconsciously or consciously enough to be hurtful to someone who loved you. So, you too were a victim of your own feelings and you are still. This was probably going on before you even met the person you love. This needs to be explored with a professional, a religious professional or group or trusted friends so you can let go of all this pain and clear the slate for a new love or after a time even your old flame if you can prove you've grown. He and you both need to be certain your remorse motivates you toward positive change. There is no point of you beating yourself up if you have no intention to build yourself up as a better person.
Forgiveness doesn't have to be earned. Forgiveness is something a person does for themselves, not for the person who wronged them. Life is better if you forgive someone and let go of the need to seek revenge, blame or find fault or insist they understand.
Nobody has to deserve forgiveness. Over time, he will forgive because it is what is best for everyone not just for you. If he loved you that much, to the point of such vulnerability it shows he has a good heart and he is fearless and so he will forgive because that is what people of courage and depth do. Forgiveness does not mean that he has to become open to you again but it could. I forgave a horrible transgression but I can not allow myself to be alone with the person ever again because I don't feel safe. I care, but I care from a distance.
The words, "I forgive you." aren't as important to hear as the feeling one has of forgiveness. Forgiveness, and it took me along time to discover this, as I tried and tried to forgive someone a few years ago, and every time the hot button topic came up I found myself in full sorrow/rage mode, is forgiveness doesn't often occur once. You don't say, "I forgive you." and let go forever unless you are very lucky or ready or a spiritual titan. You might have to say, "I forgive you again, and again, and again." within your own heart, for the same offense.
I have heard that we get something by not forgiving people, the right to be the victim or right or something, who knows? I know we wouldn't hang on to it if it didn't benefit us somehow some way even if I don't understand why it took me so long to forgive this one grievance. I guess it was because I wanted it to never have happened and it took me a long time to realize I couldn't hold on to the pain enough to make that go away so I had to let go. Letting go of the feeling of being right, or a victim or wronged isn't really easy sometimes. It can feel like part of your identity if the pain is so great.
When someone wants to forgive you they will commit to it and it is our job as the person who committed the wrong to give them the space to heal. That is our gift to them. Now, you will have to forgive yourself because you can't feel bad enough to go back in time and change it. However, that doesn't end your journey. You must make a commitment to get to the bottom of the reason for your painful actions toward someone who adored you.
Unconditional love is really not realistic for a romantic relationship in that nobody should have to stay in a situation where they are being abused to prove their love for another. The idea that power within a relationship is unbalanced or needs to be unbalanced to prove love is the path to destruction.
Hi, Shell, where does this man come from? Is he from your area? If not, maybe some of his attributes are cultural. Statistically speaking nobody is so unique that you can't find someone similar or the advertisers wouldn't be so good at predicting what would sell and McDonalds wouldn't have sold so many hamburgers. I believe in soulmates and I believe in love and romance and that that we can't be replaced with someone identical to the each individual. But I believe that if someone is removed from our life or removes themselves from our lives it is for our highest good and that we will love again, maybe not in the same way but in a great new way.
I know that I live in Texas right now but if I needed to find a new mate I would increase my odds of bumping into someone who I had things in common with in my home state of California because the things I believe, I enjoy and I value are more common in that area than they are in this area. In fact, before I was married I gravitated toward a man from California. I met him here in Texas and my husband is from California. Increase your odds and venture out of your little town.
If you cast a net into the sea and the net had 4 inch squares you could drag it behind the boat and pull up a net full of fish and they would all be larger than 4 inches, it would be easy to assume that there were no fish in the sea that were smaller than 4 inches. We know that isn't true. The same can be said of our beliefs in who is out there and what they have to offer us. There could be someone out there who you are overlooking because your net is the wrong size.
The man might be an introvert on the myers briggs/jungian personality sorter scale. I am. I can spend 90% of my time alone without any stress but when I am at a party it takes me hours to recover. Take the test yourself. You can find the tests on line and it is fun to learn more about yourself. Trust that this man knows what is good for him and if he doesn't he said he knows where to find you. Don't allow yourself to be used though. It is easy to be yoyoed in by a confused person.
Hi, your article is really good. i came so close to heartbreak yesterday, we are together now, but only just. but yesterday, for those 60 minutes of my life, in which i thought i was going to lose my everything, my world, the one thing that i cannot live without, i felt worse than i ever have. it was so overwhelming that i felt the need to look into heartbreak. It left me stunned, and really really frightened at how unbelievably devastating it is. i felt overcome with emotion, i felt like screaming, like my heart was being squeezed until every last drop of blood was gone. i felt empty. i felt like dying. the thought having to feel like that for than those 20 minutes is the most frightening thought. Heartbreak is like nothing else. it was a new level of emotion i didnt know was possible to feel.
i just felt i needed to say something about it, because im so unbelievably overwhelmed that something as amazing as love could bring such devastation. its something you just cannot even begin to understand until you through it. and im sure i still dont come close to understanding the full effect of it, even after yesterday
i just needed to let that out.
Yes, it is the worst feeling. It is quite possibly the emotion that can teach us the most about love and about ourselves and it is a cruel schoolmaster. But, it is survivable and it is in that survival that we have an opportunity to find our own courage to love again. Letting it out is important.
This site has really opened my eyes. I have been living in hell for 3 months now. My husband of 6 years and highschool sweatheart for 15 years has betrayed me in the worst possible way and left our marraige. We have a house, dog, and life..or so I thought. We live out of state from our families. We moved here 6 years ago so my husband could get his PHD. I worked hard while he worked towards the PHD, I even started my own buisness. We had a very long history together, as we pretty much grew up together. I am very close to his whole family, especially his mother.
Three months ago he told me he had cheated with his 21 one year old intern. I had been out of town for the weekend and he brought her into our house. He told me a few days after I returned and the craziness began. He was out of the house for three weeks, we saw a councelor, he would be in one moment and out the other. I REALLY wanted it to work out. I really loved him and had a vision for us that had been growing for 15 years. I was completely rocked..all I had known was gone and my family was hundreds of miles away. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I'm a wedding photographer so my work became very difficult to do. My entire world had crashed and burned and I couldn't focus enough to get my work done, or eat or do anything really. I just sat and stared at nothing for so long. Thank god I have a dog who has cuddled me during some very long nights.
The biggest problem I am having is deciding to move on..One day I think I have it under control and I finally know what to do, then the next day I am knocked off my feet. I feel like my idenity was tied to him to us, that I don't know who I am. I ask myself all the time..who are u...and I'm left empty..I know part of that is I am still in shock, and the anger I find is the best thing to push me forward.
I feel so everwhelmed because he just completed his PHD as this was going on and we were planning on starting a family, somthing I've so wanted. I'm 31 and now feel like I won't get that, and have a hard time letting go of my dream of our kids. It seems like everyone around me is having a baby so it feels like a huge slap in the face.
I have fooled myself for a while thinking he will come back, but yesterday he told me he loved the 21 year old girl her brought into my house. That was quite the wake up call. So I'm so glad I found this site right when I needed it. I was feeling so alone..and now I know I'm not.
Thank you..
This I know..a stranger said this to me early on in all this and it still amazes me.
CAROL,
IT'S ALL IN HOW WE REACT TO THE ADVERSITY. YOU CAN HANDLE THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE DIVINE.
IF YOU WANT LOVE YOU MUST BE LOVE
IF YOU WANT HAPPINESS, ATTRACT THAT WHICH YOU DESIRE BY BEING HAPPY.
DON'T EVER GIVE IN TO THE NEGATIVITY. IT IS AN ILLUSION... IT'S GOING TO PASS.
YOU ARE LIGHT. YOU ARE LOVE...
ATTRACT WHAT YOU DESIRE ..
SHINE MY LOVE....AND FORGIVE....BE THE EXAMPLE
MEMORIZE PSALM 145...READ THIS ONE TO OUR FATHER...HE HEARS AND SEES...YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS CAROL...
I PROMISE...YOU SHALL BE BLESSED
LIGHT AND LOVE,
ALWAYS,
Carol. Thank you for the great inspiration. The person who wrote it to you is right. Your identity is yours and it is not supposed to be tied to another so this is freedom, the freedom to be who you were intended to be. Growth experiences can be painful but growth is what life is about. It is your turn now! Take it. You honored your word to him. Life has something better in store for you. Now, it is your turn. You can still have your dreams. Start today. Do something good for yourself. Get on line and look for colleges or take the tests you need to take or do something toward your goals. Please.
Marriage is a sacred event and worth celebrating and worth your talent as a photographer. This ceremony has nothing to do with infidelity. I'm telling you this so you can earn that living you have earned to support him while he lived his dreams. Now it is your turn and you must count on you to do the same for yourself. I love weddings. I was divorced once and that broke my heart. I was about to marry the best man in the world and he suffered a brain hemorage and while we are still friends, he was never the same, and now my husband is away from me a lot. One thing all those events taught me is love, however fleeting is worth celebrating and capturing on film. When I am at the mall and I see people who are arguing and fussing I think about how within an instant it can all be taken away from you even through infidelity so I am so impressed when people walk out in faith and hold on for that time they are together. A wedding is an amazing thing even if it doesn't work out sometimes. You are capturing a moment in time when everything is full of promise and every now and then that promise is fulfilled. You can do this because you now know what it is like when it ends. That will give you a sentimental not cynical eye.
It is your turn now. Pick a school and sign up. Photography is a portable profession. You and your dog can hit the road and blaze a trail. 31 is not old. My mom was 41 when she had me and now it is possible to have a child even into your 50's. It is a blessing that you didn't have children if he was going to open himself up to love outside his marriage.
I received all my degrees after my I divorced my former spouse. In fact, anything worth while with the exception of my children, were achieved after I stopped living for him and started living for myself, my children and my pets. With what I learned and did after that occurred I have been able to travel, work in the profession I love and experiment with other professions. I found love again and then even deeper love than that. I started putting the energy into my own life that I had pumped into his and you know what? My soil is fertile and I grew myself a very rich and amazing life. I was only 3 years younger than you so it is not too late. I cried every day for about a year and a half. I'm not joking. But going forward is how we survive. It is never too late. Spread your wings. Read positive things, listen to positive things and do self development activities to combat the negativity of this situation and you will come out of it a better, stronger and more capable person with as many degrees as you desire. Keep strong!
Thank You Toni,
All you said makes so much sense. I know I have a lot to offer and learn from this. The most important thing is realizing I first have to love myself before I can love anything or anyone. I am excited to get to know the woman I am and will become.
The weddings were hard to deal with at first, but I have started to realize how important it is too, to celebrate a happy time in your life. I have tried to keep an open mind about that so my ability as a photographer is not compromised. I have worked hard to get my business where it is and I loved it before, so I have to refocus on why it brought me so much joy. I am really good at what I do and I know I can use it to take me anywhere. It is very empowering to know I can support myself very nicely and do things that interest and inspire me.
The important thing for me to remember is that it is okay to have some bad days, but the good need to far out way the bad. This is just a phase it will end.
Thank You for responding to me. And to all of you out there that have had your hearts broken, thank you for sharing your story. It has give me a lot of hope knowing others have been there and pushed through to a better place then they ever thought was possible.
That alone will get me through this.
no breakup occurs yet but he told me not to call him again because i mistakenly called her sister that was married, and her husband taught it was a man that called her, because of this my guy said i am the root of the problem that occurs between her sister's husband, pls i still love him what would i do.
Gift, I don't know. I guess I would prepare for the worst and hope for the best. This sounds like a complicated story. I don't understand why the phone call would be the root of a problem between two other people unless they had poor communication and concerns to begin with.
If he doesn't want to talk to you then there isn't much room for healing of your own relationship. I wish you all the best and that everything works out for your highest good.
Take care of you and know that you will get through this either way.
Gautam says:
2 years ago
GR8 piece of writing. i might not hv done anything to heal my heart-break, but certainly it made me realise that there is another way to think than just sob over heart-break.
Thank U :)