My Pity Party

“I’ve got to get out of here! I can’t stand it any longer! If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to scream.” These are the thoughts that fill my mind as I quietly leave my pew and head down the stairs this bright Sunday morning. In an effort at encouragement, for the past two weeks, our pastor sought people from the congregation to come forward and speak about how the Lord blesses and prospers them when they began to pay tithes and support the church with their monetary means. These testimonies should be a time of uplifting and rejoicing with my brothers and sisters over what God is doing for them. Instead they seem to add fuel to my “pity party” and more weight to my burden.

As I walk down the hall, my mind cries out, “Lord, why do they do so well and not me?” I think back over the last year and a half, not of the blessings God has provided such as: a home of my own; a wonderful church family with which to worship, and a loving extended family that has been there for me. Instead, my thoughts go to the problems. I think of the times when there is no steady income; of the car which I had recently totaled (that had a hidden blessing, but that’s another subject); of the times these last few months when my husband and I have had to call our parents and ask for loans to pay unexpected bills.

Hoping that no one walks down the hall to hear me, I begin talking to the Lord asking, “Why?” “Lord,” I begin to reason with him, “You know that I have always paid my tithes. From the time I was a little girl getting my first allowance, I have always paid my tithes and put money in the offering plate. Even now, when at times there is no income, we still tithe regularly. I make sure I pay our tithes, writing the check out just like I pay our bills.”

Suddenly it hits me. The Lord says in His still but not so small way, “Maybe that’s what’s wrong! Tithing has become just another bill to you. You have lost the real joy of tithing and have allowed it to become just another obligation. You no longer feel the joy and privilege of giving to Me. No longer are you ‘giving’ unto the Lord.” Don’t ask me how I know it was God; I just knew deep within my heart. Living in Christ had become a service more than a privilege; more mundane than intimate joy; duty was triumphing love.

I have something to think about. However, I am still not quite ready to give up my “pity party”. I am still thinking of our problems and financial burdens. “Lord, you promised to ‘supply all our need according to your riches in glory’.” I think back a few months ago when I went for prayer over our financial needs and felt an assurance that every need would be abundantly met. Now, all I can cry is, “How long? How long, Lord, must we wait?” I, in my impatience, want change right now. Then, I remembered that the Bible is full of times when folks had to wait: Abraham waited 100 years for his son of promise; David waited 40 years from the time he was anointed to be king in Israel until he actually ascended to the throne; the world waited 5000 years for Jesus to be born. God does not count time as I do.

2^nd Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness

As I ask for forgiveness, I am comforted, and I return to my place in the sanctuary ready to listen to the message of the day. My attitude is not completely corrected, and my problems are not completely solved, but it is a start. I begin to look at my attitude. A short time after this, our pastor begins a series on The Lord’s Prayer. As we study, I begin to look at the prayers that I have been praying, and they don’t exactly mirror The Lord’s Prayer. They have become “pity parties” and times of asking and begging, not times of praise, worship and asking for His will to be done. As I began praying for God’s will to be done, my attitude begins to change, and it seems as if I have an assurance that all those things which I have been asking for aren’t as important as before. I seem to know to know that if God’s will is done then everything else will fall into place.

Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Within a short time my husband receives a temporary job with full regular pay, then about the time that finishes, he is offered a pastorate at a church and we are off to a new adventure in ministry.

I wish I could tell you that this is the last “pity party” that I ever had; that I could tell you that I have learned to trust Him completely and not worry over things. I can’t, though, for I’m still learning (sometimes over and over) and “He’s still working on me to make me what I ought to be.” However, this lesson has stuck with me and when my attitude needs readjustment, it is often brought back to my memory and is now a blessing to me as I hope that it will be to someone else in need.

Psalms 13:6 I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

Submitted by Barbara Isbill