Helping A Child Be Ready for Preschool - Things Parents Can Do

Long before the day a child will begin attending preschool (the month, two months or even more leading up to the big day), talking casually with the child about how nice preschool is helps prepare the child.

Children are usually more intelligent than many parents realize. "Talking up" preschool in "big, dramatic, over-played" way isn't always as effective as simply "casually mentioning" how nice it will be to meet new friends. If parents talk about school as if it's going to be "Disneyland", or if they lead their child to expect "some big, magical" experience, the child either already knows better (they've probably visited a school or seen one on television) or else will later be disappointed.

If a child is told (in an excited, dramatic, voice), "Oh, you are going to have SO MUCH FUN with all the other children," there's a chance he'll be disappointed to arrive at preschool (feeling nervous and a little frightened) and realize he shouldn't have trusted that parent's words.

Often, a more effective approach, is to find ways to mention attending school without over-playing it. Talk casually about how things are done at preschool. Mention how most children really enjoy attending. Talk about buying "school clothes" or a lunch box. When parents have a "take-it-for-granted" attitude about the "fact" that attending preschool is a pleasant (but not "big and dramatic") experience helps a child keep things in perspective.

It's important not to send the child the message that there's even the chance of any "issues". When parents worry that a child will have an adjustment problem, the child may begin to wonder, "What's so bad about this place that makes my parents so worried?"

Children often imagine problems that could arise. ("What if I forget my lunch?" or "What if someone hits me?" or "What if I have to go to the bathroom?" Even: "What if I have a bathroom accident?") Sometimes, too, they need a picture in their mind about where their parent may be, how that parent could be reached, etc. Encouraging a child to talk about things he "wonders about" (or trying to think of questions he may have) can help iron out a lot of questions before school starts.

It's important to confidently let the child know that, whatever situation may arise (even though it probably won't), adults will know how to deal with it.

Mention things that you know your child will find particularly appealing about preschool. If you know your child likes a sandbox, mention it if the school has done. If he's been longing for playmates, emphasize playing with "other little boys" or "other little girls". If he's a child who seems to long to learn to read, emphasize "school work" and learning. Not only will such conversation help a child see something particularly alluring about attending school, but it will give him practice imagining himself as part of a group or being somewhere away from home. This is a good time for parents to frequently mention how "All the little kids like to eat their snack at school" or "Most of the little children seem to love hearing stories read at school." Such conversation can help children see themselves as "part of 'all the children'", and that, in itself, is practice for a preschool setting.

Of course, all the right talking in the world isn't always enough for a child who leans toward being shy. My daughter longed to go school (the way her brothers did) from the time she was just about three. She was developmentally advanced to the point where I had an educational assessment done. She tested as "across-the-board" ahead of her years, including on emotional maturity. Although I didn't want to put my three-year-old in preschool, I planned to let her attend when she was four.

When she was four she was accepted into a special pilot program; and after she's actually "pined away" to go to school for so long, I didn't anticipate any "issues". I went in with her and was told to have a seat for a while. She was pleased to see the sandbox and headed over to it, but she told me she didn't want me to leave. I said I'd stay for a little while, and soon other children had joined her in play. I made no move to leave because I waiting for the "just the right time".

When the teacher told the children they would all be going to the library I saw that as "just the right time". My daughter was excited to join the group and see the library, so I went to her in line and said, "As long as you're going to the library, I think I'll go wait outside for a while. " (The following remark is one with which a lot of people may take issue, but...) I told my daughter, "I'm going to go sit in the car, right out front. I'll be back before it's time to go home. It's kind of silly for me to sit here in the empty classroom." She doubled-checked for reassurance that I was only going to be sitting in the parking lot - and, yes, I lied and told her I'd be there.

In fact I ran to a nearby store but made sure I was back twenty minutes before the morning session would end. I went into the build well before she would be brought out at the end of morning - and there I was, waiting, as her smiling face showed up among the line of tiny children.

Now here's my confession (and approach that may not gain me "mother-of-the-year"): For the first two weeks she attended I continued to lie and assure her I was waiting in the car, outside the school. I knew it was of utmost importance that she NEVER discover I was lying, so I would often have a coffee in the car to kill a little time, run for a quick errand to the store, and return long before the class was over.

After living a lie for that week and a half (the first week was a half week), and once I knew my daughter was quite comfortable in her preschool class, I decided it was time she become comfortable with the idea that I would leave the parking lot. That's when - as I had done that first day, as she planned to go to the library - I casually mentioned that it didn't make sense for me to be sitting outside in the car, doing nothing, the "whole time" she was in class.

My little daughter agreed that it didn't make sense, but for a brief moment I did detect a little nervousness in her when I brought up the issue. I quickly reassured her, "I'm not going to go anywhere farther than the supermarket; and if I had to, I could just walk right back here to pick you up. That's how close it is. I'm not going anywhere else - not to Nana's, not to any other stores, and not home." I reassured my girl that I'd be back "way before" the class ended, and she seemed comfortable enough with the plan. The truth was, from the time her class began in the morning until the time it ended at 11:30 a.m., and with my making sure I was waiting at the school at 11:00 (in case class got out early for some reason), I hadn't had much time to go anywhere beyond that local supermarket.

Somewhere along the way (a couple of weeks after getting "clearance" to go to the supermarket), I said to my little daughter, "You know, you're busy in school; and I think maybe it's time I just go home while you're in school and get some of my own work done." This time, my daughter was completely comfortable to hear the change I proposed.

Was this a long, drawn-out, process that could, perhaps, been handled more efficiently? Probably. Still, the way I saw it, as long as she was in preschool for that two and a half hours, there was little else I could do but be nearby anyway. I saw it, too, as a chance to give my little daughter the opportunity to begin her school years on her own terms, with assurance from me and yet with that gradual process of pulling away from the picture as she became more and more comfortable.

I wanted her to know that I would be her safety net as long as she needed one, but that I trusted her competence and independence enough to know that being that safety net was a temporary thing. Still, I wanted her to know that my role was to be the guide, when it came to the gradual removal of safety nets. Also, I wanted her to know she could trust me (even though there was that little stretch of living a lie for a while; but a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do).

This hub about preparing a young child for being left at preschool has been long; and the 20-year period that has passed since I told the lie about waiting in the car has seemed much shorter than one would ever imagine.

Might there have been a quicker, more efficient, way of accomplish the task in question? Maybe. Still, I've always believed that if we find ways to eliminate our children's concerns about some things, we'll free up their minds to be able to focus on what's going on in school (even preschool). My daughter - shy-leaning as she was - became quite the little leader among her preschool and future peers.

I guess, after all my words here, my message is this: Figure out what the preschooler's concerns are. Find ways to either eliminate the cause of those concerns; or else to reassure the child that parents and teachers understand those concerns, and are very used to dealing with any such problems.

Keep in mind, too, that sometimes it is because a child is a little more mature than his classmates that he will have the ability to imagine all those potential, negative, scenarios and worries. In other words, don't assume the problem is "something wrong with your child". Much of the time, such reticence about being left in a strange place is actually a sign that something is very right with your child.