Here It Comes: Depression Again
67Note
This is a hub I removed from my account some time ago and published under another account name, as an experiment. It's back -- so don't read it. Unless you absolutely HAVE to. Move along, there -- keep going -- go read something about making bracelets out of kidney beans, or something like that. Go on, now. Shoo.
. . . and I wasn't ready.
What do you do at the first warning signs? I feel my face begin to freeze into a passive mask. I can't get out of bed. I don't care about the beautiful view outside my window, or the birds singing, or the dogs being cute and waggy. Everything is a chore -- I go down to the store, but don't bother to shower; what for? I pull on any old clothes, and don't brush my hair. Who cares?
At least I'm still getting out of the door. At least I am eating. When those two stop, I'll be house bound again, with no appetite, living on oyster crackers and fudge icecream on a stick, like the last time. Yes, I'm seeing a professional -- my psychiatrist -- and yes, I'm taking my meds.; but he thinks it's time to start experimenting with taking less, only we have to see which one of the three to take less of. So I am subject to the whims of my brain chemistry again, and have no say. The first drug we stopped was Mirtazapine, which the doctor said was a low enough dosage to make little difference if discontinued. Fourteen days later I'm sitting in his office crying. I'm not a whinger. I don't like to complain. But it's messing with my mind.
So we replace the Mirtazapine, and in another couple of weeks I'll start cutting back on the Lyrica. If I'm back to normal by then. Part of me is screaming very loudly "if it was working, why are we messing with it?" Part of me wants to be dependent on less drugs, not more. Part of me is broken. Part of me is crying, "not again; I can't go there again."
The last time was the worst: such chronic depression, that did not respond to various treatments and combinations of drugs over a seven-month period. The doctor decided the only option left was electro-convulsive therapy. I was so depressed that I must have said yes. I don't remember, just like I don't remember being in hospital or receiving the treatments. It's twenty months later, and he wants to lessen the dosages? I can't do this. I will not have ECT again, and if I get depressed like last time, I'll probably just -- you know. At least, that's how I feel today. I have lost my career due to memory loss after the ECT and the doctor recommending I not return to a profession that led to my depression in the first place. I love teaching. I love literature. I loved teaching British literature. I just can't do it anymore.
What do we do when it gets so dark we can't see outside of our depression? We get closed in by the encroaching fog, that wraps itself around us, swathing us in what Styron called "darkness visible." I don't want to go into that darkness again. I'm not ready.
[Update: so we cut back the Lyrica, and then about ten days later my face began to freeze. . . I have decided that, the next time the doctor suggests such an experiment, it should be contingent on me also being able to torture him, too, in some way -- perhaps involving a baseball bat or a tire iron.]
Diet and Depression
A big thank you to Lisa HW who posted some links below on the topic of diet and depression, and to Katyfindley for this one: Vitamin B and Depression.
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Finding the right mix for a chemical imbalance is not easy. I have been through this with a relative and my prayers are with you.
Hey, GT: thanks -- looks as if you are in a tight corner there, yourself. Hope that's some good hooch you're drinking!
Smireles -- thanks for your kind words. I think of it more as a chemical miasma. Imbalance sounds tricky!
Every once in a while I read claims that electroshock therapy has made a comeback and is effective for treating depression. I've never spoken to anyone who's tried it, and I'm in no way qualified to recommend it.
Hey, Ralph: a livelong proponent of ECT, Harold Sackeim, published findings in 2007 completely reversing his opinion. He concludes that the evidence now demonstrates that ECT can cause permanent memory loss and impair cognitive ability.
Oh shoot. I had to read it. I was making a pinto bean bracelet, and now I have lost count.
I hope your arm is mending and your mind and spirit are keeping pace. There are a lot of people following you so don't stop or we will all crash and fall like dominoes.
Wishing the best of all possible.
Oh, Rochelle -- you say the best things! And the funniest -- sorry I made you lose count of your pinto beans. The arm has been labelled "wet noodle" by sharrie69.
I know this also. I knew someone who didn't get out of bed for days.
its really just apple juice, but it makes me look tough.
Theresa - I wish that I could send you a little Greek sunshine. Keep hanging in there - you are still teaching literature, to the Hubpages community. The joys of the virtual classroom :)
Ralph - ECT is like trying to repair a plasma screen TV with a sledgehammer :/
The idea of ECT doesn't appeal to me. However, it's making a comeback in the U.S. for treating severe depression from what I've been reading. I'll google it to see what I can find.
For whatever it's worth, here's what Wikipedia has to say
Sad and wonderful hub. I'm going through much of the same. Right now. This very moment, I don't care. I don't really want to get up and do anything. Right now, or in the morning, when I will go back to an 8 hour job I hate. Passionately. Or when I go to see if the friend I am missing so much is ignoring me. Again. DEPRESSION SUCKS. We have another thing in common - I love to teach too. I am taking interview after interview trying to get a job. But its getting discouraging. Yes, I know the economy is bad, blahblahblah. But my depression doesn't answer to the economy. Also, my doctor is switching me to a new med. I had two options - this new med or a different type of pills that would make me gain weight. Oh yes, doctor, put me on those...not. Oh my gosh I hate depression.
I love reading your stuff though. :) You can put into words things I'm still working on that with. Thanks. Take a hug if you want it.
I wish you all the best, as someone who has pretty well been there before. I have actually tried sucide (I'm glad it didn't work) and was put into a rehabilitation clinic for six months. If you ever need someone to talk to that understands or anything, I can always be found here!
Hey, Pete -- it can be debilitating.
GT -- that's why I pretend my Earl Grey is really Liptons.
Sufi -- great analogy, I'll remember that one! Thanks for stopping by and being your good self.
SarahMichelle -- hey -- so sorry -- it can be so relentless, can't it -- thank you for your kind words. Thanks for the hug, too -- backatcha.
Alissa -- six months? oh my gawd -- I just cannot imagine what that must have been like. I very much appreciate your kindness; thank you for reading and commenting.
Yes it was awful. Six months is long enough, but over Christmas is what was horrible and that alone feeling was terrible. I am glad though that I did go. It helped me a lot.
Your literature-related Hubs are wonderful, and you ARE teaching (even if in a different way than in the class setting). Hope you will rest up, don't expect too much of yourself right now, and know that those around you understand.
Teresa, I'm guessing it's highly unlikely someone with your experience has not considered all possible, potential, remedies; but just in case (or at least for the benefit of others reading your Hub)..
Have you considered trying all possible foods that may help - even if just a little? More fat, salt and/or sugar in the diet? McLean Hospital, Belmont, MA, US (a mental health facility) found that tuna appeared to help depression. (Although I haven't had depression, there have been times when I've had some anxiety and found that one meal made a big difference - a big tuna salad sandwich on French bread, a half a serving of Coca Cola, and a few potato chips.) When McLean came out with those findings I thought, "I knew it!" In a different study researchers (MD's) associated the need for high-energy foods (fats and carbs) when a person is distressed/stressed, and the doctors recommended people eat those foods to get their bodies back out of a "stress state" (because it's healthier not be in a high-stress state).
I don't want to seem as if I'm minimizing, or trying to over-simplify, the very real and challenging problem of depression and chemical imbalance. I know what they are, and I know tuna salad isn't going to magically cure some things. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if adding some of the foods that can at least help with moods, energy levels, etc., may help give medications a kind of "head start" or "boost".
I know there must be all kinds of people offering all kinds of useless "ideas", with the hope of being helpful. I don't want to seem like "just one more", and I thought twice about adding the food comment. Still, if there's even a shred of a chance it could even contribute just a little to improving someone's mood (if not yours), I didn't want to not mention it.
These aren't the best links, but they give people a rough idea:
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/archive/index.p
Hey Lisa -- thank you for your great post -- and you were indeed right to comment; diet can be as important a factor as any in the struggle against depression. I hope this gives folk some good ideas about ways to modify their diet. Thank you!
Teresa, thanks for the info. Keep the faith. I find your hub very informative. I know someone who is struggling with depression, I'll forward your article to him.
Take care.
Hi Teresa - Lisa has a point - when you can, think diet and deficiency. A lot of our food is stripped of the nutrients and we end up with our deficiencies messing around with the delicate balance of the chemicals in the brain.
Someone I loved very much went thru this - so I do understand. The wonderful thing about you is that no matter what, you write so incredibly well, you come by, comment and leave us gasping or smiling. You're too b***** brilliant for dark clouds to be anywhere on your horizon - so tell the doc that - from all of us!
Oh Teresa,
I am so sorry as depression is a disheartening thing and others need to learn from your article. (((Big Hugs))
Keep your eye on the side-effects and a combo of several can make it even worse, even though I am a nurse I cannot stand the drug pushing as everyone gets paid to feed all of us these wonder drugs. Your entire body can go through withdrawals from some of those medications so due be careful. Lyrica can also create memory loss,slow thinking, nervousness and feelings of abnormality. I so wish I could reach through the computer and give you a great big hug. :)
Hey, I was making bracelets out of beans when I was reading this - kept me grounded! Perhaps it's about time pal that you make one using pebbles or whatever!
Kidding aside, just hang in there - everything that comes eventually goes, even bad things! :D
Depression gives me the sh*ts Teresa. I've endured it and I won't do medication, I fight it. It's a shame the term Darkness visible is used with depression, I can understand why, but from a different standpoint the space of Darkness Visible is magic. There is always something to see in it and resting in it without judgment is quite peaceful.
I personally hate the voices that bash the hell out of me. But apart from that, when they take a rest, I'm full of positivity. What a world!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is always good to learn how someone deal with depression. A difficult road to overcome. I am glad you are ok. Thank you for sharing.
I agree with Shalini - you are a really talented writer, and depression has no business making your life miserable!
There is always, always a bright side in every dark moment I believe! Have a good day.
I can empathize with you Teresa, and in my own experience nothing really works except the journey through and for however long it takes.
Every journey begins and ends, hugs to you x
Darkenss Visible is not a place I like to be. But I have written some fair poetry in there at times. I can't beleive they are bring shock treatments back to light. My ex sister-in-law was given that as a teenager and she is really messed up now. She told me what that was like. Keep up the good work Dr. dear. We all need your wise words and great hubs.
Thank you all -- Dynamic, Shalini AEvans, Feline, Cris, Jewels, Dead yet, Shamel, Hawkes, CC -- your comments are great. Very much appreciated.
Having more than once walked that dark tunnel and finally made it to the other side -- all my best to you and others who still suffer. It can be beat, you just have to find what works for you individually.
I so feel for you. I know the pull of it, the hold of it, the struggle day to day of it. When you're in it you fear you'll never get out and when you're out, you fear you'll fall right back in again. Depression is a beast often untameable, but sometimes manageable. I'm glad you have found meds that seem to work for you and I hope that they continue to do so.
OUCH!!! You nailed this eloquently and painfully. And obviously by the collection of comments, you are arm in arm several people deep on this one. Having gone through it myself, and also having been care taker of a dear friend, this is right on.
I think there is hope. I really do. It's not an easy process to get through and correct the imbalances of depression, but I do believe there are ways of doing it besides meds. I wrote an article on this just a few days ago.
Hi Teresa - Being a dog, I absolutely hate being shoo-ed so I stayed on - hah! :)
I had to deal with depression within the family and also with someone that I lived with. Even viewing as a third party, it was very difficult to see a loved one go through this process, and to go through it with them.
Many hugs to you. Just keep watching more of those B-rated sci-fi fantasy shows :) Did you ever see Mystery Science Theatre? That show really had its moments.
Janetta thank you so much. Your words are ver ypowerful.
Daniel -- yes, I have to believe that there is more to all this than just the meds, and am trying a holistic approach.
Hey, Shiba -- I've seen the Mystery Science Theatre -- it's funny. But I gotta admit I like to shout out my own silly comments at the screen (bad habit I have to curb at the theatre!). Thanks for being such a sweetheart!
Hang in there lady!!! I have someone who had much the same experience as you - tried every med possible - like a darn yo yo!!! Some of the side effects were awful. ECT was suggested and I strongly argued against it. For many of the reasons you have stated.
I'm right with you on this one. I've been off meds for just under a year. Weirdly, I did it myself when, even WITH insurance the cost of them was bumping up over $300 a month. And then I lost my job so that sealed it. It was OK at first, but now there are days when I'm not sure I did the right thing. Well, I HAD to do it, but I mean I recognize what you are talking about here. People tend to think it's all too much introspection or something--they don't 'get it' unless they've been there. I was diagnosed with major recurring depression--so there will be lulls, so I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm dealing with it by walking my ass off every morning and often in the afternoon too. The U.S. is not a good place to live if you have a chronic illness. I guess it can always be worse, but it could be better. Hang in there Teresa.
Wish I could send you some freebies. We should start an underground meds. supply (I was uninsured for one month after I retired before the new policy kicked in -- which was the old policy group insurance with the State, but it took them that long to do the paperwork -- anyhow, I had to pay full price for my meds that month and the GENERIC brand cost $230). I'm surprised there aren't more medicinal drugs heists --
Sorry to hear that you are also living with the fear of more depression. That is a dark cloud to live under. My thoughts are with you (I should be walking with you, too, I need the exercise).
I found that when you are feeling depressed you need to go for a walk around the block. Exercise seems to be a key rfactor for me and eating properly.
It sucks being in that position....it's happened to me many times over the years. Depression can not only make you lose your appetite or make you feel as though you've lost all of the brilliant color in life, but it can also manifest as pain, anxiety, fatigue, or even restlessness. They're all linked together; 1st cousins if you will. I'd like to encourage you, even though it's not reflected in your most current writing, to keep doing what you love and communicating with fans as these seem to be the things that lift your spirits. Share your story about depression as much as possible in support groups, talk about it with family, find ways to help brighten your day.... 90% of depression cases can be resolved by the person experiencing them....you have more power over this disorder than you think, Theresa. Good luck. :)
Tee (E.G.),
Depression has hit many people I've known, and no one is impenetrable to it. Everything seems dandy, and before you realize it you're up to your knees in lousy.
I hope your life continues to improve! It's true, at many points I have felt the same way you have. I've found the best medicine was always "none."
It's a funk, for sure, but you've got to rise above and kick it out. The chemicals in your head can be helped with diet (as Lisa pointed out) but at the end of the day, all it takes is positivity and a great feel for your personal energy.
Stay in the clear and have no fear.
Y.T.,
lxxy
goldentoad says:
7 months ago
I got a strong shoulder if you ever want to lean on it.