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He's Just Not That Into You

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By Isabella Snow


Women are very good at convincing themselves that a man is more interested than he is. They get their sights set on someone, have a date or two, suck face, yadda, yadda, and maintain a semi-serious relationship for a few months. At the end of that time, she demands they take things to the next level (whatever that may be) and things get a bit surreal from that point onward.

Not surreal to her, mind you; to those of us observing. We've probably all done it at one point in time, and we know that you can't really make someone see something they don't want to see. Yes, the men in question are totally leading you on, and that sucks. But.. they aren't really hiding what they're up to, so it's hard to do more than give them a dirty look for it. It's clear to everyone around you that he's just not that into you -- but you don't see it yourself. So here are 5 tips for recognizing when a man just isn't that into you.

(Yes -- there will be some exceptions. But not many.)


He takes more than 24 hours to reply to your emails, phone calls or text messages.

Unless he's a spy, soldier, or currently on a desert island somewhere, there is no excuse for a man not getting back to you within a day's time. Men who are truly interested do not play these types of games. He's not getting back to you because he's actively pursuing other women in some shape or form. Do not fall for that "hectic at work" crap. Yes, once in awhile it might be that hectic at work, but if it's happening every day, he's just not that into you.

He doesn't use your name.

It may surprise you to know how infrequently he calls your name. Think about it. I dated someone for ages and it never even occurred to me that he rarely spoke my name. In fact, he mostly only used it when introducing me. This is a subconcious boundary; if he's keeping distance at this level, something is up.

He doesn't touch you.

By this, I mean he never brushes up against you, he never sits close enough on the sofa to make contact (unless he wants to make *that kind* of contact), he never holds your hand, etc. Many women tell themselves that's just a man thing -- it's really not. That's just how they are when they aren't that into you.

He doesn't initiate contact.

Yes, he might talk when you call him, he might even talk for an hour at a time -- but does he ever call you first? Or does he leave that to you? A man who is interested will want to know how you are, and will make the effort to find out, even if it's just a simple "how's u?" text message.

He always leaves first thing in the morning, even when he doesn't have anywhere he needs to be.

This guy doesn't necessarly want to be alone, he just doesn't want to be around you. Why? Because if you're not in bed, and if you aren't on a date (or anything else which is supposed to lead to bed) that means he's going to have to interact with you. The problem is, he's not into you enough to know how to do that. Which would make things awkward -- so he leaves.

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Chris J. Evans profile image

Chris J. Evans  says:
2 years ago

Urghhh! Too true! I just got out of a 6 month relationship and was a horse's arse about it - but to be fair, things did start getting 'domestic' w/ her and the kid into the 2nd month. A bit more complicated dating a mother I learned, but thats the point. Not that we simply learn by our mistakes but that we apply what we learned to the next relationship and not make those same mistakes twice. Okay--so for men you could logically say not to make "those same mistakes" six or seven times. But you get the point. As always, great write!

Mystic Biscuit profile image

Mystic Biscuit  says:
2 years ago

Great hub, Isabella. We women are so good at living in our own "reality" and ignoring the clues that are in our face every day. We transform our hope into this perceived reality and it only leads to heartache and a heck of a lot of wasted time and energy with the wrong person!! We as women need to get a lot smarter and a heck of a lot more paticular about when and with whom we share our deepest feelings.  

Mia Montanna profile image

Mia Montanna  says:
2 years ago

I have no boyfriend since I found out he was using me to get to my sister. I am done with men but thanks for telling others of their dangers!

Eunice Apia profile image

Eunice Apia  says:
18 months ago

I recognize your writing style from Askmen and I think ivillage cosmo, but I could be wrong.

Isabella Snow profile image

Isabella Snow  says:
18 months ago

Chris -- Thank you!

Mystic - Thank you, and very good points you've made.

Mia - Your prince will come along, don't worry!

Eunice - Yes, I write sex columns for AskMen, and I write for a few women's print mags, but not ivillage cosmo. Maybe in the future. :)

Eunice Apia profile image

Eunice Apia  says:
18 months ago

I like both AskMen and Cosmo. It's the same writing style.

Jess  says:
18 months ago

Its so true, I got out of a major relationship about 5 months ago, and when I finally looked back on it all I could not believe what I put up with, and it was all right there. Then I moved on about a month later, and after dating the guy for a mont he told me he was not comfortable with eing boyfriend and girlfriend while I was away for 10 weeks. He said he wanted to keep everything the same without the relationship title. I have found myslef constantly the one calling him first. He does answer and we chat, but I do not want to be the one to call first, so I have decided I am done until I see a lot more trying on his part.

debbie d  says:
17 months ago

I was in a relationship like this and it was bliss when it ended! What is the sound of one hand clapping? It is me doing all the calling, all the caring, and making all the effort. Do yourself a favor....leave this kind of nonsense. Find an equal partner.

Stacie L profile image

Stacie L  says:
10 months ago

very good points! so true,in retrospect ;(

sligobay profile image

sligobay  says:
9 months ago

This is a very perceptive and informative hub. There are many self-centered people of both genders. The advert flashing below this screen is truly ironic in that it queries the reader about a product for sexual enhancement. Cheers,

sonia  says:
8 months ago

this is interesting - but i think it applies to both sexes doesn't it? there are so many desperate men out there!

Gem  says:
7 months ago

I am in a yo-yo relationship (LDR). My bf's mood can flactuate from cold to warm from chatty to quite/silence from many loving words to only key words.. I just dont get it... whats wrong with me or whats wrong with him? please am so fragile now... pl anyone help!

salt profile image

salt  says:
6 months ago

what of when its the other way around? When men dont take no for an answer? What of it when men are just irrational over emotional and spend their time over emoting at your expense. Then begging you to stay when they have been terribly out of line????

sbeakr profile image

sbeakr  says:
4 months ago

I spent 7 years in a relationship that mirrored exactly your very insightful list. I knew better, and I know better now, but find it difficult not to fall in again anyway. I have bookmarked this hub in a folder called 'Reminders'...very grateful to you for having written it so eloquently.

arnie  says:
2 months ago

I could say it hits my situation im in,Im still trying to evaluate the symptoms...i guess women could be clingy for some reason when they are in love...i just need to find some ways to get over being clingy.

Laurie  says:
10 days ago

Yep, I call it the 'Quarter horse' syndrome.

Fast on the short track, a fail on the distance.

Never settle for less than a Throughbred, one that can sustain the stamina on the big track! lol

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