He's Too Busy For Her, Should They Keep Dating?
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Is a Busy Schedule a Deal Breaker in Your Romance?
Haley,
I am answering this assuming that his "busy schedule" does not mean his wife. I'm assuming it's work, and perhaps hobbies, kids, charity work, religious commitments, season tickets, and friends.
Assuming we are not talking about other women or partners, I have to begin by referring back to an idea I referenced in a past hub, When Your Girl Wants to Get Married and You Don't.
Men marry when the time is right. Women marry when the guy is right.
I realize you didn't say anything about marriage, but I think the thought implied is basically the same.
Clearly, this is not the right time for this man.
If it had been the right time, he would have made it work. He would have fought to get you onboard with his busy schedule. Or he would have less-busied it. To put it as clearly as I can, had he wanted the relationship to work, the excuse of his busy schedule would be non-existent.
You said your inability to deal with his busy schedule was a factor. This leads me to the other angle of the view.
Women marry when the guy is right.
If this had been the right guy for you, I don't see how his being busy would be a deal-breaker. I can not imagine that in your heart you were saying, "This is Mr. Right. This is the One. And he feels exactly the same way about me; I am his One & Only. But since he has a hectic life, it's not worth it for me to be with him. I'd rather be alone all the time, than with the man I really love some of the time."
Someone asked me a long time ago how do you know when you've met the one you should marry. And my answer is the same today as it was then: its when you stop thinking about yourself first. Seriously. I don't mean the little things. I don't mean going to his favorite restaurant instead of yours, or sitting through Scarface for the 10th time, or cleaning the bathroom, or going out of your way to stop and get Malamars for him.
I mean the big things. The things that make a difference. Real compromise, real sacrifice. Real moments, where you think about what's best for him, and what he would want. And you are willing (at least half of the time) to actually put his real needs before yours: Living in the city where he works instead of the countryside where you'd prefer to be. Not having any more cats because he's allergic. Not spending Christmas with your family for the first time in your life, because it's his turn that you both spend Christmas with his family. Spending Saturday nights on your own because of his poker night/season tickets/job/karate class.
Don't get me wrong. Each of those things has a counterpart, compromise, or balance to it: Like, getting the condo that overlooks the park you like, instead of the studio in Soho he'd prefer. Getting a cockapoo, even though he doesn't really want one. His being on his own every Friday night because of your poker night/martini club/kick boxing class. His taking his vacation in Paris with you, instead of Cooperstown with his brothers. His sleeping on floral Laura Ashley sheets and letting you use his Bed-in-a-Bag for drop-cloths while you repaint the kitchen peach and sage.
There is balance, and give and take. But I can assure you, the right person is not sacrificed because of his schedule. Had he been the right guy for you, his busy schedule would never have been a factor. I guarantee it.
The other spin on the "women marry when the guy is right" side of the coin, is that maybe you aren't ready. Maybe he was, and he tried to compromise. And maybe you weren't ready in life to make the kind of commitment it takes to have a real, long lasting, adult, two-sided relationship.
There is nothing wrong with not being ready. Putting yourself first, putting your growth and your needs first is an honorable stage in all of our lives.
I remember my first apartment without roommates. It was 3 railroad rooms in Jersey, about 30 minutes from Manhattan by car, shorter by train. I called it my Mary Tyler Moore apartment. I was independent, and on my own. I was focused on my writing, my career, my friends. Even my hobbies and interests were primary focal points. I dated often. But I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. I was no where near the point in my life to compromise. I was not a willing partner. I was not a team player. I was just me back then. And it was a vital and important time in my development. I learned a lot about myself. I became who I am.
I'm the first to tell anyone, you can't skate in doubles until you can skate on your own. I think it's important to become you, the person. I don't see how you can become you, the partner until you have mastered being you on your own.
If you've read this far, and none of my ideas ring true for you, then consider this: If he's busy, he has the ability to fill his life with things that aren't you. Your inability to do the same may be a turn-off. He may see your demanding to spend more time together than he is willing to spend, as needy and dependant. Apparently, he doesn't want that.
Some relationships are super co-dependant. Maybe that's the kind of gig you have to have. Clearly, that is not the situation he'd be attracted to. He'd be better suited with a woman with her own life, strong and independent. You'd be better suited with a man with much less of a sense of self.
My grandparents did everything together from taking out the garbage together, to food shopping together. It's sweet and romantic, and maybe you're like that. Please believe me when I tell you I can see the wonder in that.
However, for me, I'd have to say, yuck. I'd be suffocating, and screaming, "Get a life and get off of me!"
This final thought was not said in dis. It's said, to say, if you would choose not to be with someone because he is too busy, you may do better looking to a different kind of guy for a partner.
Best of luck to you, Haley, in your journey of self.
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Good article. You went through the different possibilities for the situation. It was thoughtful, and though provoking. I know I have been in this situation and looking back I can see now what was really going on that I couldn't see then. A good general lesson to walk away from this article is that guys tend not to like clingy girls.
Veronica, I wonder if after three martinis you would have just told this girl she needs to wake up if she really broke up with a guy because he has a busy schedule. You were very kind. Though, you didn't have enough details to really make a desicion, so you went through all the possibilities with the info you had, which was very good.
Nice. This is ironically aligned with something a great friend's mother has told her (and through her, me) repeatedly: when a guy really, really digs you, he wants to spend his time with you. There are no impediments. No obstacles. It's the same idea. I like your answer and your advice. It's very even-handed and balanced and true. Thanks!
I guess I should have clarified a bit more about the situation. When I say that my ex had a busy schedule, he was distant both physically and emotionally, mostly for personal reasons that he had to work out on his own. He has recently asked me to get back together, but I think at this point I would only want to try to date non-exclusively at first to see if he really wants to commit to this. He has expressed interest in working to improve our relationship and has made time in his life that he wants to spend with me, so I think that he genuinely wants to try this again, but I feel that I should test the waters rather than jumping in head-first. Does that make more sense?
That's a different twist, yes. I did discuss his having made time or trying to make time, and the possibility that you're not ready, or he's not the one, and I'm going to stand by those on this. I think, Haley, if you really wanted this to work, you would have gone back with him. I don't think its necessarily a bad idea to date him and date others, but I think you need to be aware that you might just be doing so to get closure and peace on his part of your world, so that you can move on. Best to you.
I.THINK YOU BOTH SHOULD TRY AT MAXIMUM TO DATE WITH EACHOTHER,BUT IF YOU DONT FIND TIME THAN YOU CAN INTRACT ON PHONE OR KEEP SOME DAY INA WEEK OR IN A MONTH IN WHICH YOU CAN MEET EACH OTHER.
I know that sometimes some tend to be overbearring and overly clingy. To have that type of person as your date or your partner is to ask yourself a question. Do you feel comfortable sharing every part of your life with that person? If not, then why should you limit yourself to the exclusion of your life for that person alone? There are forms of dating that do not hinder your goals and standards that you have planned for yourself. Then again, those kinds of dates tend to have the same understanding about you in return. To know that the person that you took out on a date was as bored as you were for instance, tends to leave you at a loss for communication between the both of you and overall has your goals of dating set to a standard and no kind of progress ever to be reached out of the "dating". Some say that when their girlfriend is all in their business they cannot think. I've known times when my friends' ideas were made better because of their clingy girlfriend that did not forget their notebook or their laptop. At that point in time that "clingy girlfriend" had their whole world in mind, by not forgetting their treasured belonging. I would think that in many ways the reasons for the date are not, "reasons to date". Reasons why not to date are the reasons why one would ask such a question in the first place.
Veronica and all, I appreciate the value of having an independent sense of self in an interdependent relationship v clinginess and co-dependence. But what is the balance - my partner has a busy job plus hobbies which he wants to do. How much time should couples spend together in an average week if they have been together for five years?
Annie,
Excellent question. And, it is very subjective.
The amount of time couples should spend together is the amount of time that makes them both happy. In Haley's case it seemed the amount of time he was satisfied to spend, was not the amount of time she was satisfied with. The problem isn't the amount of time, the problem is that they each had a different idea of how much time was a good amount. It's great that you and your partner have been together for 5 years, and if he has a busy job and hobbies and you're satisfied with how much time you spend together, then that's the right amount.
You can be partners without being co-dependent. You can be intimate without being clingy. You can be independent without being aloof. I think it's important to have a strong sense of self, and that should remain even if you have a strong partnership. If you and your partner spend one night a week together and you're both happy, then you're perfect. Same as if you spend every single night together, and you are both happy. If you balance someplace inbetween how much time he'd like and how much time you'd like, then you are working as a team and you're golden.
When I read your article it took me back to when I broke of a relationship because I was too busy for him. The shoe can be on the other foot, definitely not gender specific!
I'm interested to see what relationships will be like in another 10 years, specifically when the youth of today get to marrying stage. The leech scenario written about above is so valid in todays world. The demands on people, men and women are immense, particularly if you've chosen to pursue a career.
"I am answering this assuming that his "busy schedule" does not mean his wife"
Classic! LOL! :))
Wow had me thinking most definitely! I've been with a man now for 3 yrs. still no comittment still no ring! And I only get to see him once a week! Try that out ! lol
I've been in a relationship like this as well We have been together for four yrs and I see him once a week.( Witch I need MORE time) He actually lives in another state only four hours away. But I'm going to take his advise and work on ME!!!!!!
I'm so glad to have found this site because I'm currently having a really difficult time dealing with my recent break-up. My boyfriend and I agreed to just be friends because of his recently very busy schedule (which I do know is legitimate). We've been together for 6 months and he was the one to pursue in the beginning. He always went out of his way to make me happy and I did the same. When his work schedule (he's a cop) became more hectic things went downhill. On top of a busy work schedule he also inherited a few acres of land which he takes care of on his time off. Me being in graduate school and working means that I had to be available during his downtime if I ever wanted to see him. This meant sometimes just reading a book while I watched him plow the fields. I always tried to find some way of seeing him, but overtime he called less and stopped making plans. Only a week before we did the friends thing he was telling me that he wanted to make the relationship work. I know that I deserve someone that takes the time to be with me. As far as I know I wasn't clingy. I am completely independent, going to grad school, working, and spending time with my friends. I only asked for a once a week date and a brief phone call or a few texts a day. I'm just really confused and hurt, but I don't want to keep pestering him as to why we couldn't make it work. I still really care about him and love him and I'm hoping that he will do some serious thinking about what he wants. Any advice as to how to get over this for now?
Lauren,
His having a busy schedule and responsibilities is understandable. It sounds like you did your part making your schedule revolve around his. If all you're asking for is one date a week and some texts, and he can't find even that much time, well honey I think you know what I'm going to say.
Even though you weren't clingy, he has made it clear that he doesn't think much of this relationship. If you are busy with grad school, friends and work then you can fill your time. Eventually this will be easier.
I will give you this advice. Trust me, if this relationship has a chance, this will work.
Reclaim your mystery. Guys behave this way because we let them. Stop letting him. He knows he can get away with it. So he will continue. Be better. Be classy. Be strong. Disappear for the most part. Let him chase you for once. Don't call him, don't be there, don't bend over backwards or any other way.
If you never hear from him again, then you know he was gone anyway. You're not out anything.
If you do hear from him, be pleasant. Be positive. But don't be easy or confrontational. Just be busy. Make him work for it. Reclaim your mystery. Men love women with some mystery. I'm serious. If he calls you say, "Wow, I'm so glad to hear from you! It's been a while. But hey listen, so sorry, on my way out. But call me later in the week. Bye!"
If he wants you, when he realizes he's lost you, he will do something about it.
Every night mmy boyfriend and i talk on the phone because i just recently moved. But when i say why don't u ever call he says ok he will but doesn't. should I feel bad about having to initiate the conversation everyday. I have tried striking but it just makes me miss him...
Michella
Yes, you should see that there is a big probem if he nevers calls you. It should be a two way steet. He should be calling you too. The fact that you've brought it up and he knows that you've noticed, yet you still tolerate his not calling, shows an even bigger problem.
I'm sorry that when you don't call you miss him. But the truth is he doesn't miss you at all, or he would call.
Michella, I'm sorry hon but he's made it painfully clear. It's over. Move on. Stop letting yourself be treated like that.
Veronica,
Thank you so much for your wise words. I've been telling myself that I need to back off, but I always end up texting or calling to say hi and initiate conversation. It's good to hear it from someone else that I need to disappear for a bit; gives me the motivation to do it. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me sound advice and I'll let you know how it all works out! Thanks!!
Thats sounds so true, but what should i do when he calls with a really good "excuse" i felt like we were so much in love and i reall don't want to break it off unless i feel taken for granted... am i even being taken for granted? I was thinking I should not call him until he calls me and see if he missed me. Good plan or no? I don't want to seem clingly like i don't have a life but eh...the distance is kinda killing me.....
There is no good excuse. He ended it, you just haven't accepted it yet. Don't call him. And be casual and aloof IF he calls you. At least for a few calls. You have lost all stature in this. STOP IT.
In general I agree that you shouldn't beat a dead horse. However, some guys for some reason have a pathological fear of the phone. Seriously, I once dated a guy who would NOT call. Ever. If I called him, we'd talk uncomfortably for a bit, and then he'd make some lame excuse (early) or just say he needed to go (later in the relationship) and that would be it. However, he would appear at my home and take me for surprise dates, bring me spontaneous presents, write me letters and hand deliver them, have hours-long conversations about anything and everything with me at the park, at his home, in the car . . . get the picture?
All I'm saying is, look at the total picture. I think most of you who are looking for advice really know in your hearts which it is. Some guys are not good at being the initiator, or not good at phones (can we say "phobia"?), but make it abundantly clear in other ways that their girl is valued, appreciated, and loved. Other guys are clearly taking advantage of a woman's tolerance. Don't dump a guy ONLY because he can't seem to be the one to call you first . . . dump him because he called you just fine all the time last year. Or because he also blew you off 3 times last week. Or because he hasn't driven down to see you ONCE since you moved. You get the picture. Nobody's perfect, so don't reject someone for something minor . . . but don't make excuses for something inexcusable, either.
And, hey, if him not initiating the phone calls is really a deal-breaker for you, then you know what to do, right?
Oh I got the picture. Fear of the phone? Yeah, I'm not buying that. I think what you misconstrued as spontaneity in his actions, was actually perfect control over when he would talk to you. And he trained you to think this was OK. He initiated all the interactions with you, and in such a way that you were completely satisfied with it and "understood" not to call him.
I agree, most people looking for advice already know what the answer is. And I totally agree, no body is perfect. In general your I agree with you and your advice and really liked your comment.
But I do wonder about the relationship you referenced. Maybe I'm wrong, but I bet I got ya thinking about it.
You are very right, I did think about it. I still think that particular guy just had a weird hang-up (er, no pun intended), though, since all his friends also complained about the fact that he wouldn't talk to them on the phone, either. He'd email, but for some reason he really just hated the phone. :)
I laughed out loud at "weird hang up". That was too cute.
Yeah, if he did it with his friends too, you're probably right.
I really enjoyed your visit to this HUB, I hope you will hit some of my others. Have a good night!
GOOD GOING VERONICA
hi would you lte me join
I just chanced upon this website as i was looking for some advice, and I must say that it's been pretty enlightening! i've been having the same problems with my boyfriend; he's just very busy. he said that he tried to have us spend more time together by asking me to go out when he meets up with his colleagues and friends, but i refused. and i did, because i basically hate these kind of situations. i'm not much of a social butterfly, i prefer to have fewer friends, but all quality relationships. and i was hurt, because i felt that he was just trying to economize everything to stretch his time to the max. i mean, if this relationship is his priority, i don't see how he can ask me to try hanging out with his friends so he can get the best of both worlds. on the other hand, i know guys can be very pragmatic, and to them it might just be the easiest solution. i don't know - am i being too sensitive? should i try to make an effort to meet his friends?
Megan
Thanks for the great comment! You sound insightful and open to his side of things as well as yours.
You could certainly try to compromise - next time he invites you on one of those colleague outings, balance it by saying, - ok I'll go, and then next Saturday its just you and me, my place for dinner (or something you would truly enjoy doing.)
If he expects you to bend then he has to do some bending in return. You're right - pragmatic, economizing,... and the truth is if he really wants to see you he will make the time. Especially if you meet him half way.
Keep us posted! Let us know what happens!
Thanks so much Veronica!
Yes i do agree with you that the way to a healthy relationship is for both parties to compromise. But do you think that there is only so much both parties can compromise? The way I see it is that if both parties are at extreme opposites, no amount of compromise is going to do the trick. and that is what got me thinking and re-evaluating my whole relationship with my boyfriend, because we are in fact quite different people. he is more independent while i am definitely more dependent, i like my guy to be around me a lot of the time, and this has really caused us quite a lot of problems. we meet maybe 3 times a week, and when we do, he is usually too tired to really engage with me. i've known him since we were young(er), for 7 years already (but we weren't always together for that time, it was off and on), and he does often talk about us having a future together. but i get immensely terrified when i picture me sitting at home all by myself while he is busy at work, or meeting a client. i know you mentioned that we should have a strong sense of self and busy ourselves as well, and i can do all that, but that's not the kind of relationship i'm looking for. especially when it comes to marriage, i don't think that's what i'd want.
sometimes i just think that both of us would be better off if i'm with someone who is like me, who is more co-dependent in a relationship and who is able to fork out that kind of time (something which i believe was discussed here before). The bottomline, as it seems to me, is that much as I and my boyfriend love each other, our priorities and expectations are very much different. so i was thinking that no matter how much compromise i make (say, by hanging out with his friends which, by the way, is really not my cup of tea), it's not going to solve the problem. What do you think?
I think you've answered your own question. I think you want a different type of relationship, that involves less compromise and more similarities between you and your partner. I think that desire is understandable, and achievable.
And I think all yo have to do now is give yourself permission to go out there and get what you want.
I disagree with some of this. As a woman that enjoys my relationship, I am also a single parent, part-time student and I have a demanding full-time job. I also try to keep up with my fitness and beauty goals, as well. I have the problem of my boyfriend not being able to deal with my schedule. He commented that it is like I have to "fit him in". Duh! Everything has to be fit in!! I think the problem is that there can be two people that just have different goals and lives. Dating someone with less responsibility and more time to devote to a relationship is hard for me and it can be for anyone in the same situation. The problem is that you really can love and care for your mate and even need that person during down time to help you balance it all. It is unfortunate that in a world where were want it all and are forced to do it all, that we cannot always balance having a relationship. But, just because someone is busy DOES NOT mean that they are not ready to be with you. Life goes on besides a relationship - we have to go to work, we have to pay bills and if we have kid, we have to raise them. But, does that mean that you don't deserve a relationship because of this?
thank you for posting this! You've opened up my eyes to a whole new level
Veronica, I really like your advise. I've been seeing a woman for two months. She's studying for a PhD and hence has to be busy academically. However, as if studying isn't enough, she inundates her schedule with working overtime, mentoring, teaching, volleyball and family. After observing her schedule, I began to question how much time she has for me. I was trying to be fair by suggesting us being friends. After all, i didn't want to see her compromise her time for me, especially when she is busy saving the universe from falling. She spends at least once a week with me, but i know that this may not be so in the following months when she has to study for prelims and perhaps take on more projects since she can't say "no". We also live far apart. She lives in Washington Heights which is an hour away from Brooklyn where I live. So the travel is tedious just to spend the night. I also have my life which I enjoy and will never fill it up with random tasks just to mirror her schedule and be twice as stressed out. What do i do? Do i embark on a new friendship for the sake of our new relationship? She wants a relationship, but I think i already know what's best for her before she does.
Veronica, I really like your advise. I've been seeing a woman for two months. She's studying for a PhD and hence has to be busy academically. However, as if studying isn't enough, she inundates her schedule with working overtime, mentoring, teaching, volleyball and family. After observing her schedule, I began to question how much time she has for me. I was trying to be fair by suggesting us being friends. After all, i didn't want to see her compromise her time for me, especially when she is busy saving the universe from falling. She spends at least once a week with me, but i know that this may not be so in the following months when she has to study for prelims and perhaps take on more projects since she can't say "no". We also live far apart. She lives in Washington Heights which is an hour away from Brooklyn where I live. So the travel is tedious just to spend the night. I also have my life which I enjoy and will never fill it up with random tasks just to mirror her schedule and be twice as stressed out. What do i do? Do i embark on a new friendship for the sake of our new relationship? She wants a relationship, but I think i already know what's best for her before she does.
Grace/nicole,
It's usually not a good sign when we think we know what's best for someone else in spite of what they say or do. She's telling you she wants a relationship and you're deciding her busy schedule means she doesn't.
There was a tone to your comments. Things like, "filling up her schedule with random tasks" and "saving the universe from falling" reflect a very negative feeling toward the way she lives her life. This is not a tone a committed partner would use. Additionally, you said you told her you you could just be friends, putting the twist on it that it's all for her best interest. If you were in love with her, you wouldn't offer to bow out and say it's for her.
It's pretty obvious you don't want to be in a relationship with this woman. You don't like her schedule, you don't think the hour commute is worth it, you've offered to just be her friend. You want out, but you want her to make the break. And if she won't, then you want to believe it didn't work out because of her decisions, not yours.
But that isn't the case.
You clearly don't want to be in a relaitonship with her. Stop pretending to do or think things because they are in her best interest. You're the one that wants out. So, admit that. And get out.
Hey Veronica, thanks for your response. After I sent my inquiry, I had thought about a few things. I am really in love and have decided to accept all of her for who she is and what she does. At the time, I was not sure how to take our time difference and was a bit insecure about our relationship. Now, my feelings and willingness to compromise have grown stronger. Therefore, when i saw your comment, it broke my heart that i actually felt amibivalent about someone who i now care about so much. Thanks again for keeping it real....
Your advice is right on! However, I must also add I think today our culture has prompted men to become more selfish by putting off marriage until the time is right for them. However, if they keep putting it off, will the time ever be right? This is the prerogative of a man to put off marriage until the time is right for him, but it also means a lady looking for a serious relationship should just keep right on looking. This is not always the case, but I see it as a red flag if a man dating a woman on and off for nine years and could not commit to marrying her. Just my two cents, but I would rather be single than date men who call all the shots. In a true relationship the man and women are working together and want to get married because they love each other. Any man who bypasses marrying a woman that he loves because the time is not right, well I think he is just not the marrying kind. Same for women that play that game.
This helped with the long distance relationship I have....wonderful guy, thoughtful, sweet and oh, so busy...but he makes time for me and even though it is short time, it is all ours when it happens. Thanks for the words of wisdom, if I really want this guy I will take him busy schedule and all - and it will be worth it.
My problem is when you are dating someone and in the beginning they are willing to make time to spend with you despite both your busy schedules.
However, after a while they all of a sudden start to come up with excuses as to why they can't see you or can't call you or worse yet breaking dates. When that happens my advice is to just move on.
From experience, I have learned that people will exert themselves even going above and beyond to work for something if they see the value in doing so. In the begginng of a relationship people will put their best foot forward. They want to do all they can to make a good impression and to win that person over. Once they do win the affections of the other person this does not mean that they no longer have to put any effort into maintaining a relationship. Sure there are some extenuating circumstances in which things could happen, I am not saying this.
However, if you find that you are in a relationship where now you are the only one devoting any real effort and energy to it then you really have to ask yourself if its worth holding on to. Only you know the answer to that.
I'm lucky to see my boyfriend once a month... It seems he has time for his FEMALE cousin and her friends, and not me. He plays hockey. Captain. There are a few girls on his team, and he hangs around with them alot as well. One time I invited him over, and he said he was going to go pick apples the next day. He tells me he loves me, couldn't he make time if he wanted to?
Hi Veronica,
I'm in a very similar situation and need some help. My boyfriend and I were dating for roughly 4 months before he started his new job - which is extremely demanding. He's on the road 6 days a week and barely has time for himself let alone me. He's tried to spend more time with me and I have tried to be comfortable with seeing him one night a week, but it led to some really bad fights so we eventually broke up (we were together 8 months total). I read what you wrote, that if he were the right guy he'd try and make it work. I really feel like he did. I also feel like I tried as well by being okay with only seeing him one night a week - we both tried. The other day I spoke to him and he said he hasn't given up on us but he's not sure he wants to be with me. I'm trying to be patient and give him space and time to figure it out but it's driving me crazy. I feel the break up was a big mistake and I told him that. I told him I'd rather see him one day a week rather than not at all. He told me he needs to focus on himself and I should do the same. We still hang out once a week and it feels like nothing has changed. I'm very confused, it's like he's saying one thing and doing something totally different. Do you think I should let it go and move on or give him the time and space he needs?
Kasey.
He said, he wants to focus on himself and you should do the same. He said he's not sure he wants to be with you.
The only confusing part is why you think he's saying one thing and doing another.
He is being very clear. Hanging out once a week is in no way conflicting with his very clear statements.
Hi Veronica-
I loved reading all your advice. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend of a year and he was telling me that he will be very busy this weekend with work/friends and doesn't know if we will be able to see each other. Usually we spend every weekend together and we talk once or twice a day on the phone. We do love each other and we tell each other that every day-however It's tough for me to not see him for a couple weeks-especially knowing he is just 15 minutes down the road. I know he is legitimately busy, he works in sales and just started this job 8 months ago. When we do talk about it-he says he wants to work all these long hours now so that he doesn't have to when he is older/has a family. I do understand that to some extent but after reading everyone saying "if he wants to be with you-he will make time" i'm somewhat confused. I know he wants to see me, but you can't just cancel appointments with clients etc to hang out with your girlfriend right?
Sharon,
I think the problem is more where there's room to see friends and be alone and enjoy hobbies, and he doesn't make the time for you. If he's at work, and still talking to you twice a day, that's a different case altogether.
I do believe if a guy wants to spend time with you, he makes time. But your guy isn't making time for anyone or anything if he's just spending that time working. That's not being too busy for you, that's just,.... well... working.
If he says he's at work and he's not, that's a problem. If he says he doesn't have time for you, but he has time for his friends, that's a problem. It really doesn't sound like you have a problem.
V
Hello Veronica, that was sound advice, I enjoyed reading it. The guy I was dating for over month just found out that his ex-wife of 5 yrs had been cheating on him with her boss (his friend), about a week and a half ago, and it has changed him. He has been distant, not calling, and I have not been a priority in his schedule.They've been divorced a year now, and I was the first person he started dating. Could news like that really make a guy lose interest, he said he still like me and all but not feeling romatic these days, just angry with his ex-wife, who he's still friends with. I went ahead and discontinued the dating, and told him to deal with his hurt, talk to a therapist or something. We're friends now, so there is no stress of dating, but should I hope? Can men really lose that "romantic feeling" when something like this happens? Can those feelngs be regained? So confused....
mm ur saying about people who in the beggining of a relationship put much effort and find time so they give a good impression, just wondering if it is , completely opposite??!!I KNOW a guy seems interested i asked him to see each other and he was even sirprised and glad.but he keeps distance till he knows me a bit better ,he lives far so that makes it a bit hard that why he prefers face to face contact before he decides anything ,is that normal?i have never been in such situation and it feels weird,thing is i am anxious and i have no patience.and i need some short of contact so i can be more relaxed with him when i will go back there.thats the reason 2 years ago i was aggressive towards him cause he kept distance,anyways.
Hello,
I find this advice so insightful, but I wish you hear if you can help me with my situation, and my apologies if it sounds silly...
I haven't dated in a while, then 6 months ago I moved to a new city after changing career paths and losing a lot of weight...I started feeling more confident and decided to start dating, but the grad school I go to doesn't have the kind of guys I'm into at this time in my life, like with the same interests, so I decided to try an internet dating site...well it worked for a bit, met one guy after another and went on some let's say interesting dates, then finally I meet this guy 6 months ago on the site...it was awesome...we talked long hours, texted, e-mailed, but both of us being students made it hard for us to meet, and I still had hang-ups about my schedule and needed to get through a difficult semester...
during this time the guy talks to me fervently at the beginning and then just stops a month later, I hear nothing from him and so I didn't care nothing invested so I wasn't sad I just cut him off the site and out of my phone, but then I change my picture or whatever on the dating site a month later (so total 3 months since I 'met' him) and he's all of a sudden like complimenting me and saying he's sorry for his behavior for having stopped talking to me (when the whole time I saw he would be on the site even at the same time I was on and he knew it)...so I didn't care, I said ok, no harm done, let's try it again, so we start doing the whole talking on the phone, texting, e-mailing whatever wanting to meet, up...it was the end of both of our semester so we were so busy we said, ok not right now, then I went away for Christmas break to see a friend, so we didn't meet up....but when I got back we picked right up for like a week wanting to make plans, but then we didn't meet up still since he got busy and the new semester started so we both sort of stopped talking for three months....so finally 3 weeks ago (after he changed his picture on his social networking site we both use - not the dating one!) I decide to give it another try and message him to meet up, since we both were busy no harm done....so he's all excited we pick back up he's texting/calling me for a week before we had decided to meet up...
and finally we do meet up and I have to say it was amazing, perhaps the best first date (so to speak) ever...we had drinks, talked the whole night, though we knew a lot about each other from our previous 6 months of conversing...and it was a very intense night and we both realize it might be what we were looking for - a real relationship...and he's telling me all this, exactly what I've been wanting to hear...so when we leave each other with a goodbye kiss, he's says he's going to pester me until we meet again, and we plan on meeting 3 days later on a weekend since we're both so busy, though I am a bit less so than him this semester....
well two days pass, and I go along with texting him as I had done countless times in the past, really it was normal for us I thought...he says he's fine but unfortunately he can't meet up since he's just way to busy with finals coming us....ok, but then I start texting him, again nothing different than what we had done before..the next day he says hello, we text and two days later we're both busy with school so we text....the whole time all I want from him is to say he wants to meet up and I don't care if it's a month from now, but just to say it....he doesn't ....I'm so emotional about it because for the first time in a long time I really really liked this guy, was willing to drive out to wherever he was to meet up and just see him, or even talk to him on the phone, but nothing from him and I'm the one this time initiating all the text messaging...so another week passes (2 since we first met up) and sill no phone call or plan on text from him to meet up ever, so I text him and say so you want to meet up sometime or just for a short study break in the city? and all I get as a text response is 'I'm gonna have to get back to you on that,' but how are you? so I'm going crazy and just flat ask him if he's still interested in meeting up ever even after his finals are over in 3 weeks, I'll wait....he says simply yes....so I'm reassured for the night (by best friend says he's just saying enough to keep me around but not committing), and still no concrete plans....well the whole time I feel like our momentum from that amazing first night has been slipping away, and I'd like to have heard him at least especially since he has time at all hours of the night to post comments and what not to his friends facebook and myspace....and yes, I do check....though when I requested him to be friends on facebook he never answered back and closed off the openness of the site so now I can't check it anymore....not sure what that means...
so I totally understand he's busy, and he is with his finals/work all the time...but really no phone call or even wanting to hang out by saying he'll make time after finals? he could have said that much no especially after that's all he was saying that awesome night 3 weeks ago...
So I got a bit desperate (since I apparently couldn't keep waiting around) and sent him a long e-mail saying that I completely understand he's busy but I'm confused by his saying he wanted to hang out and be in a relationship when we met up 3 weeks ago, but now not calling or making actual plans, and that I am willing to wait however long even a month from now and will stop texting him or annoying him if he just lets me know if he is interested in pursuing this as he had said...just asked him to be honest, because I like him...
So finally 2 days later last night I get an e-mail response from him saying that unfortunately he can't commit to a relationship with me right now since he is just spread way too thin with school/work and can't commit to anyone/anything...but that he also had an awesome night that time and he understands if I'm annoyed but it wouldn't be fair to me if he drags me along while he's debating if he can make a relationship work or not....
So there you go that's my answer I guess, but I'm completely devastated/heartbroken...I didn't expect him to give up like this, I had hoped he'd say I can't commit right now but let's try after this semester is finally over like this summer when maybe I'm not taking classes....I would have understood it with a problem....I don't know how to take this still since I really really like him and would be willing to do whatever, even though I might have messed things up by texting him the past 3 weeks....was it my fault or does he genuinely not feel interested and used his being busy and not able to commit as a reason to break things off....like everyone's telling me I should move on since if he wanted it to work he'd have at least said he wanted to hang out again just when he's less busy....what do I think? I'm very sad about all this and any advice would help...sorry for the lenght of the post....,
Mika
Mika
This sounds very familiar. Did you email this quesiton to me a few months ago?
Mika, listen. He is not into you. Actions speak louder than words, he has proven he isn't into you over and over. I don't know why he isn't perfectly honest about that: if he's trying not to hurt your feelings, if he's a coward, if he's a game player, if he's married or otherwise committed, or what. But clearly, he is not into you.
Hello again,
I just signed up for this site as I just found it today...so I did not e-mail this before, but I'm sure this sounds like stuff that other women have gone through as well I'm sure...
Thank you so much, I guess I needed to hear it from an outside source, and though it hurts to just let it go, I will have to let him be...
I appreciate you reading through all that and boiling it down to something as simple as that...
Wow, I didn't think getting back into the datin world would be so terrifying, exhilarating, and painful all at the same time...
Hello guys ....
I can actually relate my experience to many comments posted here.. so glad that i found u all especially when am facing this '' too busy '' thingy.
It was a long distance relation when we started,he used to make time for me like once or twice a month, even though there were arguments , fights (infact he got frustrated that , physically he is not happy with me and even said he would like to date some other gals , behaved toatlly like a jerk . we did not spk to each other for 3 months , as we were having lots of arguments we decided to take a break but he breached it by calling it quits, thn he came to house one day out of blue apologised to my family and me for acting like a jerk and promised me that he will move to my city )
recently he shifted to my city, we were really happy, he is in sales so we together decided we'll meet once in a week .3-4 weekends went well , i thought this is it! coz he knows my family lots of communication happend with my bro and dad they were happy too. so after 3-4 weeks he still met me but there was a difference , he prefered to sit in my house and watch t.v or talk to my family , over we two hanging out. it became a routine i mean every week. when ever i wanted some time with him alone , after so much of asking we used to go out have a cuppa coffee spend 30-40 min together in the cafe.
there were few things i was worried about:
1.after the initial broke up his frends stopped talking to me and we stopped hanging out with his frends .
2. he used to get pissed off whenever i called his house number(coz whenever he is in there i am totally forgotten , reason: am the eldest son have all the responsibility ;)
3.his family doesn know that i exist they don have a clue except for one cousin.
4. whenever i tried talking about the future , its always him he fixed a time for marrige after his MBA, btw interesting point is that he has not planned when he will enroll for this course.
5. once we had a fight he says 'we are fighting for silly things how do you deal with this realtion if there is a gal involved?? ther is not even any gal so that u'll fight!!!!!!! i was like wtf? what on earth??
well apart from these things now he has become too busy and stressed, reason recession, ok i understand but u know , he hangs out with his frends and plays tennis on week ends , doesn call me everyday. if i call talks for 5-10 min if time exceeds , he is angry at me.. for not understanding. he doesn even come home. i thought if he cant i can go to his place once in a while so i tried , thought he will be with his frend so let me just meet him during evenings after 6, well viola he has already invited his frends to his place for a drink.(btw i am not informed abt his schedules but he shud be!!)
so ok next time may be, but now there are so many relatives so every weekend he shud visit them , uncle, aunts materal and paternal ones ..
so i thought fine let me be with my family n frends let him do as he wishes. one saturday planned to go for a movie with my frends , but din inform him as i knew he wud be busy, but thn he texed me to check wat am upto n i replied. he was so furious he was like y din u inform me ?? am on my way to your place .. made me feel like an idiot in front of my frends. called me selfish.(btw when i went to his place he had invited his frends which i was not aware of so he quickly dropped me to my place and was angry coz i din take an appointment) so i cancelled all my plans.
Finally i decided for a final talk , according to him everything is just fine but i am trying to ruin this relation.. by being selfish. so i sat down and asked him , wat is the real thing then he says there is nothing just u need to stop being so selfish , let us take it slow (after 4 yrs) and i feel u dont undersatnd me , (if he is not letting me know how will i ever know?)u dont like me being with my family or frends.(yeah if he doesnt call me or contact me for 3-4 days thn i began to wonder but i have never stopped him as i understand the value of family n frends) then i said y don u call it off he says he really loves me but he needs someone who can understand him.(i coudn figure out) thn i said treat me like ur frend i am here for you u can discuss all ur problems he yelled at me lol.. finally he said he cant hear me talking all this coz if i really love him thn i wudn ask him all this., and he declared he needs time to think by thn i was exausted i said fine we'll do that take ur time .
now he is calling me twice a day , i picked his call once thought , he might be normal but no he is just keeping it formal . (to check wat am upto) now i have stopped taking his calls ,.. my exams are coming up am really hurt not able to sleep or concentrate.
I have started doubting my own abilities (i feel)have started to think from his perspective,(my frend say that) since i lost my mom(12 yrs ) never been too close to anyone
though i did date few guys. but i was very much convinced that he is the one. but donno wat went wrong.. am very hurt....
Hello guys ....
I can actually relate my experience to many comments posted here.. so glad that i found u all especially when am facing this '' too busy '' thingy.
It was a long distance relation when we started,he used to make time for me like once or twice a month, even though there were arguments , fights (infact he got frustrated that , physically he is not happy with me and even said he would like to date some other gals , behaved toatlly like a jerk . we did not spk to each other for 3 months , as we were having lots of arguments we decided to take a break but he breached it by calling it quits, thn he came to house one day out of blue apologised to my family and me for acting like a jerk and promised me that he will move to my city )
recently he shifted to my city, we were really happy, he is in sales so we together decided we'll meet once in a week .3-4 weekends went well , i thought this is it! coz he knows my family lots of communication happend with my bro and dad they were happy too. so after 3-4 weeks he still met me but there was a difference , he prefered to sit in my house and watch t.v or talk to my family , over we two hanging out. it became a routine i mean every week. when ever i wanted some time with him alone , after so much of asking we used to go out have a cuppa coffee spend 30-40 min together in the cafe.
there were few things i was worried about:
1.after the initial broke up his frends stopped talking to me and we stopped hanging out with his frends .
2. he used to get pissed off whenever i called his house number(coz whenever he is in there i am totally forgotten , reason: am the eldest son have all the responsibility ;)
3.his family doesn know that i exist they don have a clue except for one cousin.
4. whenever i tried talking about the future , its always him he fixed a time for marrige after his MBA, btw interesting point is that he has not planned when he will enroll for this course.
5. once we had a fight he says 'we are fighting for silly things how do you deal with this realtion if there is a gal involved?? ther is not even any gal so that u'll fight!!!!!!! i was like wtf? what on earth??
well apart from these things now he has become too busy and stressed, reason recession, ok i understand but u know , he hangs out with his frends and plays tennis on week ends , doesn call me everyday. if i call talks for 5-10 min if time exceeds , he is angry at me.. for not understanding. he doesn even come home. i thought if he cant i can go to his place once in a while so i tried , thought he will be with his frend so let me just meet him during evenings after 6, well viola he has already invited his frends to his place for a drink.(btw i am not informed abt his schedules but he shud be!!)
so ok next time may be, but now there are so many relatives so every weekend he shud visit them , uncle, aunts materal and paternal ones ..
so i thought fine let me be with my family n frends let him do as he wishes. one saturday planned to go for a movie with my frends , but din inform him as i knew he wud be busy, but thn he texed me to check wat am upto n i replied. he was so furious he was like y din u inform me ?? am on my way to your place .. made me feel like an idiot in front of my frends. called me selfish.(btw when i went to his place he had invited his frends which i was not aware of so he quickly dropped me to my place and was angry coz i din take an appointment) so i cancelled all my plans.
Finally i decided for a final talk , according to him everything is just fine but i am trying to ruin this relation.. by being selfish. so i sat down and asked him , wat is the real thing then he says there is nothing just u need to stop being so selfish , let us take it slow (after 4 yrs) and i feel u dont undersatnd me , (if he is not letting me know how will i ever know?)u dont like me being with my family or frends.(yeah if he doesnt call me or contact me for 3-4 days thn i began to wonder but i have never stopped him as i understand the value of family n frends) then i said y don u call it off he says he really loves me but he needs someone who can understand him.(i coudn figure out) thn i said treat me like ur frend i am here for you u can discuss all ur problems he yelled at me lol.. finally he said he cant hear me talking all this coz if i really love him thn i wudn ask him all this., and he declared he needs time to think by thn i was exausted i said fine we'll do that take ur time .
now he is calling me twice a day , i picked his call once thought , he might be normal but no he is just keeping it formal . (to check wat am upto) now i have stopped taking his calls ,.. my exams are coming up am really hurt not able to sleep or concentrate.
I have started doubting my own abilities (i feel)have started to think from his perspective,(my frend say that) since i lost my mom(12 yrs ) never been too close to anyone
though i did date few guys. but i was very much convinced that he is the one. but donno wat went wrong.. am very hurt....
I donno who is wrong is it him or me ?? whether this break-up is justified.....
Hi veronica
can i just say, the best advice!
but im in need of help too.. ok my boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me because he was always busy with work (he has three jobs, and is also studying) and he felt like he was being unfair to me because he knew i would always get upset when i didnt see him. To be honest i was upset when we didnt see eachother, but i didnt think it would be enough to break up. I saw him at least 3 times a week ( i guess thats more then some of the other girls that wrote on here so i should count myself as lucky), but after we broke up, it was only then that i relised how dependant i was on him. we still hang out and and still see eachother, not as much as before but its still there. I really want him back, besides him being busy, he was the best boyfriend ever and he would put my needs before his, which i guess is why he broke up with me because he said he was being unfair and didnt want that. Whay should i do? should i continue letting himbe in my life or should i let him go?
Katie mcc
He broke up with you because of how upset you'd get that he was working 3 jobs and studying. Like you said, you were too dependant on him to fill your time and make you happy. He didn't need that, and he ended things.
It's not healthy. You really need to become a whole person, that is independent. Especially if you want to attract a man like him, that ended things with you because of your dependency. You can't be a partner until you can be a person.
Hi, I'm going threw a break or break up, I dont know what he really wants. And, he doesn't know either. But here is the story... We have been dating for a year. He just had been recently divorced, seperated from his wife for a year before that, and had been in 2 relationships since the seperation. But basically we took the relationship too fast, he pretty much moved me in within a month of dating, and I would go home on the weekends when he had his kids. He had off and on threw the relationship give me hints that he wanted a break, but I wasnt figuring out his hints, and when he told me he wanted a break, the typical "its not you, its me, i love you, and you are the sweetest person ive ever met" but for me to come over 1 or 2 times a week, I would think he was trying to break up with me and start to tear up, well apparently that made him sad to see me cry, so the next morning he said I want you to stay with me, I just needed to vent and have a lil space and we are good. So I took it as we were good in our relationship... Then I mentioned or asked him when he is going to introduce me to his kids? It's been a year and he still hasnt! He said he wasnt ready cause his oldest which is 8 yrs old, didnt want her dad to have a girlfriend and would cry over it, " i felt bad, but at the same time, he cant set aside his happiness cause his kids will never really want their dad with someone else... I told him just introduce me as a "friend" and slowly go from there... but he was never up for it... well now, he told me that he isnt happy cause he thinks that he cant make me happy, cause i want to be apart of his family life and he isnt ready, he said he needs to focus on his work and kids, and he doesnt know what he wants, a part of him doesnt want a relationship, girlfriend, someone to check in with...he wants to be independent and do things on his own, the other part of him loves me, misses me, knows he has something amazing and wonderful, only person in his life that knows his secrets inside and out and only person he trusts, I'm his best friend and the only person in his life that truly cares and he can see it in my eyes that i love him and believes in him and knows I will stand by him thru thick and thin, cause he has had some pretty knarly ups and downs with work....he says that he still loves me, he values me as his best friend, appreciates me as a person, but doesnt know when or ever he will be ready for a relationship... "he just wants to be friends"... i freaked out for a lil while cause i thought i lost the love of my life... ive been getting myself back together and acting like im great when i have to speak or email him, but im not great... its been a lil over a month... we are friends, but now sometimes I wonder if he just wants to be friends cause we have to interact sometimes thru our work industry, and ive been doing some viral web networking for him, so does he just want me around to be his assistant? cause lately he only contacts me to do some work for him...and we have not seen each other in this past month, just emails and phone calls... I'm giving him his space,.... so my question is do we have a chance of getting back together or is it over? is he just keeping me around cause im convienient and helping him out?
Help!
Cris,
I'll give it to you straight. You're all focused on having a new, real relationship and a family. And he is not. He had that. He's at a totally different place in his life. He's been there and done that. He's focused on his kids. He's cares that his 8 year old doesn't want him to be in a relationship. Not that it matters, since HE doesn't want to be in a relationship either.
I'm sure he does think your sweet and all those nice things he said. I'm sure he likes your friendship and I'm sure he loved having you sleep over without having to have any real commitment to you.
But listen to him when he says he doesn't know if he ever wants to be in a relationship. That is the most important thing he has said to you. A man who sees any kind of future with a woman doesn't say that.
Veronica-
Quote: "You're all focused on having a new, real relationship and a family. And he is not. He had that. He's at a totally different place in his life. He's been there and done that."
I forgot to mention, I am divorced too and have kids, he has met my kids. So yes I have been there and done that too, I don't want a "family". Just someday to share family with him.
And, we did have a serious commitment, we didnt see anyone else, and he told me everynight that this is the best thing that has ever happened in his life and he put me up there with his kids, he just freaked out on me one night and said all those things, that he doesnt know what he wants. And he is scared and confussed.
I just did a search for "when a guy is too busy" and this came up. It was the best ever response I've read on the Internet. I've had conflicting feelings about this relationship I'm in. Basically, my parents are always together and I feel like I should want to be with my guy all the time. But I don't. I want to be with my girls and have date nights with my guy. And that's what he wants. I thought there was something seriously wrong with not being addicted to your partner. No. I love where we're at, but I would sacrifice a lot to move to where he needed to be for his job. I'm ready for that. I wasn't ready before.
Perfect. Thank you.
Thanks Allie!
Congratulations on having a healthy personal life and a healthy relationship.
Help Im really confused. The guy that I was talking to has moved to pursue his career. Everything was going great... but I dont know what happened. He would call and wed talk for hours you know the usual. But then when I shipped out for military training he was MIA. I dont know what happend. He wasnt talking to me as much and wouldnt answer my txt. Now fast forward a few months later and he texted me and blew up my phone back to back. He sent these long messages saying how much he missed me. At first I was angry and didnt want to talk to him. But then I realized that I really missed him. SO we started talking again. But it wasnt the same. He would still call but I wouldnt answer. I dont know how to deal with his roller coaster ways. Its like one minute he wants to talk then the next hes distant and wont text. Then I happend to discover that him and ex that he had got together with while I was away at training were still Close. cmon Im not stupid I know what being still close to an ex is! Now I got really upset and bascially told him to leave me alone. I didnt want to talk to him anymore. out of nowhere we hadnt talked for 3 or more weeks. then he sent me a text. so i just ignored it. them like 2 days ago i decedied to txt him. now he still sends cute little txt and talks about visting him. he was willing to pay and everything. i recently discovered that him and his ex I THINK are not talking anymore for what ever reason. But I want more attention. And bc of my past I have a hard time trusting anyone. bc of what I have seen in my life I dont know what a healthy relationship his. I dont know what a guy friend is really supposed to be. i know he is busy bc he wrks civil service 4mer military. he also has alot of issues.... and i know he is the most sweetest guy and has so much potentiol to be a really great husband and father. but i dont know what to do. he doesnt really txt me now that much claims hes to busy and i just wait and wait. now im thinking about visiting but i dont know. I miss him alot. its like he wants me in his life but then i cant trust him or bc hes far away i find ways to push him awy, when were together its amazing when we discussed what i feel are issues he always is 100percent honest. hes a really great guy but i dnt know what to do. i want more attention from him... i guess thats selfish help!!!
Twin
It's not selfish, it's healthy. You have the instinct to want something healthy and good. This relationship is neither. Let this go so something better can come into your life.
thanks veronica. although it hurts its obvious that its time to move on. If God wants 2 people to be together then it will work out. but i have to trust my instincts an move on....
Hi Veronica,
I really like the way you advise us throughout the posts.
Like anyone, I also have similar problem with him saying he's busy. We have been together for one year. Both of us are juggling between studies and work. Therefore, with such a tight schedule, we make a pact to meet each other once a week and we talk on the phone every night before we end the day. I don't consider myself as someone very dependent as much as I like to have my own private time. However, I am always getting the feeling that he doesn't have enough time for me. I become to think if i need to make some adjustment to myself or should I let go of him and let him pursue his career? or should i be more understanding by just standing by him (fyi, he's in a transition period).
The problem doesn't solely lies with him been busy. He too has some financial woes and that wheneever we go on date, we both have limited idea of what to do.
At times i feel helpless. As to whether am i also his burden? He tried his best to accomodate at times but I find its tiring on his side, though he claims he's not.
But, What should I do? be supportive & understanding? or leave him alone & let him pursue his career first?
Hey Veronica, and all those who want to answer haha. I like everyone else am dealing with a boyfriend who is "too busy". He actually just broke up with me a few days ago and all my friends said they just can't give me advice because our relationship is a little different than most. 1st off when we first starting dating he was coming off a drug/alcohol addiction and I didn't know that youre not suppose to date within the 1st year. Well we did and everything went amazing for the first 7 months until summer hit and he was given more freedom. He went back into using drugs and alcohol and we ended up breaking up for a few weeks. He got into some legal trouble and stopped once again, from there on it was on again and off again with our relationship. He seemed happy that he was with me but unsure and confused about having a relationship. I just went to college and we decided for that we were gonna take a break until I got back in May and then go from there since we still had major work to do. Well I took a break but then right before is court date Oct. 5th he asked me to come home for that night and that he had found me a ride there and back. I did come home and it was great, everything worked out perfectly at his court date and we got back together ( I thought most of the stress was from the court dates and thats why we always fought). During this time he made efforts to call me he even came up and visited me with no license and such (payed his boss to drive him). Everything was perfect until this last week when he was really out of touch. I asked him about it and he said it was because he didnt want a relationship right now. He told me he was extremely busy with work, school and probation and on top of that he had the stress of not relapsing again. I get this and everything but it just caught me off guard because we had a similar conversation earlier and he told me that he wanted to be with me and that we'll be ok in the end, then a week later hes too deep to have a relationship. I talked to his best friend about it (whose also getting off drugs) and he said that he's just confused, and sad because I'm up at school and it should blow over. He told me that the same thing happened to him and he just needs some space and time to realize what he wants and what he's losing with me. My best friend also told me that a week ago or so when she called him asking for help about her breakup he went into some long rant (unrelated to her sit.) about he and how he loved me so much and everything that he did and he was so very sorry (but he tried to relate it to my friends but it just ended up being a rant). So I'm really confused on how to react to just move on or what.. Please ?
Caitlin,
When people get sober, they tend to leave behind everything and everyone they associate with addiction, and that includes the recovery process. I know people love to argue this, and of course there are a few exceptions, but don't base your relationship on the exceptions. I'm really sorry, but this is a fact. And this has something to do with why people in recovery are not supposed to begin a relationship during the first year, sometimes the first 2 years. It's kind of like that "Transition" relationship. You know how you hear that if you have a serious relationship that ends, your next relationship is the "transitional" one, not the one that will last? It's kind of like his first "relationship" was with addiction. That includes the break up.
You are part of that relationship. Even though you came into the picture after he entered recovery, you are part of that relationship, especially since he relapsed and has gone through so much with it.
I actually believe his feelings for you are sincere. His arranging to have you with him, his breaking into a rant to your friend, it feels to me like his intentions are really good. I don't think he's an asshole. And I am not judging. I am just saying no matter how well intended he is, you are a part of a period in time that he is trying to move past.
I think this is why you're seeing and hearing so much conflict. He says he wants to be together, then he says he doesn't. He says this will be ok, then he says he's too busy with parole... I think when he "thinks" about it, he knows you're great and the relationship he has with you is a healthy one. But there is a big part of him that is adverse to all things he subconsciously associates with addiction/recovery. I'm sure he is not aware of that inner turmoil, I'm sure it's not that he's keeping this from you. I'm sure he's confused, and feels pulls apart, and doesn't understand the feelings he's having.
If you really want my advice, it's to end this. End the relationship as positively as you can. Wish him well, tell him it isn't his fault, it's just not working. You can tell him you'll always be friends, but if I were you I would fade away. End this. Let him recover, and finish probation, and just get past this part of his life, sadly that means the good parts as well as the bad parts.
Veronica,
Thank you for the good advice. But I wonder what you mean about how I'm part of that past. I understand what you're saying (and maybe I'm just making excuses) but I don't know if I remind him of that or am part of it. The whole time I've always encouraged his sobriety, and I have helped him out, hes gone to me with troubles and such. And except for the month this summer, his main problem was BEFORE we met. He's not the type of person to forget the past, he's the type of person to embrace the past and learn from it. Even though he's gotten into a lot of trouble and through a lot of turmoil he still has the most positive outlook on life. And he constantly tells me that I'm the best thing thats ever happened to him. His best friend said I should give it some time and that he really needs a girl like me because I helped him stay sober through so much.
BUUUT like I said I could be making excuses, oh I don't know. I'm just gonna let it be and whatever God has in store will come. If it's meant to be it'll work out like before, and if it's not it's for the best that it's over.
You are part of the recovery. I realize you're encouraging him through recovery to do well, but like I said, addicts need to leave behind all the things they subconsciously associate with the addiction. Like I said, that includes recovery. He's in the recovery phase right now. It's not the past, it's the now.
I'm sure you are the best thing that's happened to him, and I'm sure he means it when he says that. I'm sure he doesn't understand the conflicting emotions he's having.
hun, its for you to answer that question, you should know if it is worth it. He didnt find time for you when you were exclusive so imagine how he will treat you when you date. Don't set yourself up!
Wow....this page is exactly what I needed today. I guess not feeling alone in this whole deal is helpful. I met someone about a month ago, who told me upfront that he was inconsistent and had a busy schedule but didnt mean anything by it. He's very successful, just bought a house, and is a personal trainer, so he's up at 6am and has clients throughout the day till 9 or sometimes 10 at night. He said he wasn't good at making plans, but I made plans for us and he kept them.
I work alot and have many hobbies and things I do that keep my schedule tight also. I asked him yesterday, to tell me the deal, if he was into me or not, and if no then I'd rather be friends. He talked about feeling bad for even trying to have a relationship with someone and knowing how they would feel when he's consistently inconsistent. I dont think he's had a serious relationship in 4 or so years.
He says he's into me and listed off all the qualities that I possess that are attractive to him. I feel he's not reday for more - I know I want more. This morning I woke up and was feeling (confession here) a little low about myself and feeling as though I had been rejected. Then..I found this site and it reminded me that being independant and strong is what I need to continue doing. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue seeing him or not, but I'm definately gonna take the advice of becoming more of a mystery to him.
So you all have affirmed the following for me:
1.Clearly he's not ready for what I am. Furthermore, I'd be selfish and immature to want to push that on him.
2.If he wanted to see me/talk to me, he would make the time
3.I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve
I believe that we meet people and they teach us lessons about life, we dont always know what that lesson is right away, but eventually it makes sense. I hadn't met anyone in quite sometime that I deemed worth dating, so if anything he reminded me that there are men out there that are successful and independant, which is what I want - but he also showed me that I want to be with someone who is more than just kinda into me.
Thanks for sharing your stories, I needed this push today!
Carl says:
3 years ago
I hate it when a girl I am dating latches on to my life like a leech, and expects me to spend all my time with her. She is history pretty fast. My gf now of 2 years is a real estate agent. She's always got some open house, or appointment, or convention going on. I actually feel lucky when she says she can spend a whole weekend with me. I love that she is so independent. It's so attractive that she isn't a leech.