He's Too Busy For Her, Should They Keep Dating?
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Is a Busy Schedule a Deal Breaker in Your Romance?
My ex and I still love each other 6 months after we broke up. We split because of his busy schedule and my inability to deal with it. Should we try dating, but not being exclusive?-Haley
http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/2007/03/if-you-ask-them-they-will-write.html
Haley,
I am answering this assuming that his "busy schedule" does not mean his wife. I'm assuming it's work, and perhaps hobbies, kids, charity work, religious commitments, season tickets, and friends.
Assuming we are not talking about other women or partners, I have to begin by referring back to an idea I referenced in a past hub:
http://hubpages.com/hub/When_Your_Girl_Wants_to_Get_Married
Men marry when the time is right. Women marry when the guy is right.
I realize you didn't say anything about marriage, but I think the thought implied is basically the same.
Clearly, this is not the right time for this man.
If it had been the right time, he would have made it work. He would have fought to get you onboard with his busy schedule. Or he would have less-busied it. To put it as clearly as I can, had he wanted the relationship to work, the excuse of his busy schedule would be non-existent.
You said your inability to deal with his busy schedule was a factor. This leads me to the other angle of the view.
Women marry when the guy is right.
If this had been the right guy for you, I don't see how his being busy would be a deal-breaker. I can not imagine that in your heart you were saying, "This is Mr. Right. This is the One. And he feels exactly the same way about me; I am his One & Only. But since he has a hectic life, it's not worth it for me to be with him. I'd rather be alone all the time, than with the man I really love some of the time."
Someone asked me a long time ago how do you know when you've met the one you should marry. And my answer is the same today as it was then: its when you stop thinking about yourself first. Seriously. I don't mean the little things. I don't mean going to his favorite restaurant instead of yours, or sitting through Scarface for the 10th time, or cleaning the bathroom, or going out of your way to stop and get Malamars for him.
I mean the big things. The things that make a difference. Real compromise, real sacrifice. Real moments, where you think about what's best for him, and what he would want. And you are willing (at least half of the time) to actually put his real needs before yours: Living in the city where he works instead of the countryside where you'd prefer to be. Not having any more cats because he's allergic. Not spending Christmas with your family for the first time in your life, because it's his turn that you both spend Christmas with his family. Spending Saturday nights on your own because of his poker night/season tickets/job/karate class.
Don't get me wrong. Each of those things has a counterpart, compromise, or balance to it: Like, getting the condo that overlooks the park you like, instead of the studio in Soho he'd prefer. Getting a cockapoo, even though he doesn't really want one. His being on his own every Friday night because of your poker night/martini club/kick boxing class. His taking his vacation in Paris with you, instead of Cooperstown with his brothers. His sleeping on floral Laura Ashley sheets and letting you use his Bed-in-a-Bag for drop-cloths while you repaint the kitchen peach and sage.
There is balance, and give and take. But I can assure you, the right person is not sacrificed because of his schedule. Had he been the right guy for you, his busy schedule would never have been a factor. I guarantee it.
The other spin on the "women marry when the guy is right" side of the coin, is that maybe you aren't ready. Maybe he was, and he tried to compromise. And maybe you weren't ready in life to make the kind of commitment it takes to have a real, long lasting, adult, two-sided relationship.
There is nothing wrong with not being ready. Putting yourself first, putting your growth and your needs first is an honorable stage in all of our lives.
I remember my first apartment without roommates. It was 3 railroad rooms in Jersey, about 30 minutes from Manhattan by car, shorter by train. I called it my Mary Tyler Moore apartment. I was independent, and on my own. I was focused on my writing, my career, my friends. Even my hobbies and interests were primary focal points. I dated often. But I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. I was no where near the point in my life to compromise. I was not a willing partner. I was not a team player. I was just me back then. And it was a vital and important time in my development. I learned a lot about myself. I became who I am.
I'm the first to tell anyone, you can't skate in doubles until you can skate on your own. I think it's important to become you, the person. I don't see how you can become you, the partner until you have mastered being you on your own.
If you've read this far, and none of my ideas ring true for you, then consider this: If he's busy, he has the ability to fill his life with things that aren't you. Your inability to do the same may be a turn-off. He may see your demanding to spend more time together than he is willing to spend, as needy and dependant. Apparently, he doesn't want that.
Some relationships are super co-dependant. Maybe that's the kind of gig you have to have. Clearly, that is not the situation he'd be attracted to. He'd be better suited with a woman with her own life, strong and independent. You'd be better suited with a man with much less of a sense of self.
My grandparents did everything together from taking out the garbage together, to food shopping together. It's sweet and romantic, and maybe you're like that. Please believe me when I tell you I can see the wonder in that.
However, for me, I'd have to say, yuck. I'd be suffocating, and screaming, "Get a life and get off of me!"
This final thought was not said in dis. It's said, to say, if you would choose not to be with someone because he is too busy, you may do better looking to a different kind of guy for a partner.
Best of luck to you, Haley, in your journey of self.
** If ya liked this HUB please hit the "Thumbs UP" just before the comments. Thanks!
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Good article. You went through the different possibilities for the situation. It was thoughtful, and though provoking. I know I have been in this situation and looking back I can see now what was really going on that I couldn't see then. A good general lesson to walk away from this article is that guys tend not to like clingy girls.
Veronica, I wonder if after three martinis you would have just told this girl she needs to wake up if she really broke up with a guy because he has a busy schedule. You were very kind. Though, you didn't have enough details to really make a desicion, so you went through all the possibilities with the info you had, which was very good.
Nice. This is ironically aligned with something a great friend's mother has told her (and through her, me) repeatedly: when a guy really, really digs you, he wants to spend his time with you. There are no impediments. No obstacles. It's the same idea. I like your answer and your advice. It's very even-handed and balanced and true. Thanks!
I guess I should have clarified a bit more about the situation. When I say that my ex had a busy schedule, he was distant both physically and emotionally, mostly for personal reasons that he had to work out on his own. He has recently asked me to get back together, but I think at this point I would only want to try to date non-exclusively at first to see if he really wants to commit to this. He has expressed interest in working to improve our relationship and has made time in his life that he wants to spend with me, so I think that he genuinely wants to try this again, but I feel that I should test the waters rather than jumping in head-first. Does that make more sense?
That's a different twist, yes. I did discuss his having made time or trying to make time, and the possibility that you're not ready, or he's not the one, and I'm going to stand by those on this. I think, Haley, if you really wanted this to work, you would have gone back with him. I don't think its necessarily a bad idea to date him and date others, but I think you need to be aware that you might just be doing so to get closure and peace on his part of your world, so that you can move on. Best to you.
I.THINK YOU BOTH SHOULD TRY AT MAXIMUM TO DATE WITH EACHOTHER,BUT IF YOU DONT FIND TIME THAN YOU CAN INTRACT ON PHONE OR KEEP SOME DAY INA WEEK OR IN A MONTH IN WHICH YOU CAN MEET EACH OTHER.
I know that sometimes some tend to be overbearring and overly clingy. To have that type of person as your date or your partner is to ask yourself a question. Do you feel comfortable sharing every part of your life with that person? If not, then why should you limit yourself to the exclusion of your life for that person alone? There are forms of dating that do not hinder your goals and standards that you have planned for yourself. Then again, those kinds of dates tend to have the same understanding about you in return. To know that the person that you took out on a date was as bored as you were for instance, tends to leave you at a loss for communication between the both of you and overall has your goals of dating set to a standard and no kind of progress ever to be reached out of the "dating". Some say that when their girlfriend is all in their business they cannot think. I've known times when my friends' ideas were made better because of their clingy girlfriend that did not forget their notebook or their laptop. At that point in time that "clingy girlfriend" had their whole world in mind, by not forgetting their treasured belonging. I would think that in many ways the reasons for the date are not, "reasons to date". Reasons why not to date are the reasons why one would ask such a question in the first place.
Veronica and all, I appreciate the value of having an independent sense of self in an interdependent relationship v clinginess and co-dependence. But what is the balance - my partner has a busy job plus hobbies which he wants to do. How much time should couples spend together in an average week if they have been together for five years?
Annie,
Excellent question. And, it is very subjective.
The amount of time couples should spend together is the amount of time that makes them both happy. In Haley's case it seemed the amount of time he was satisfied to spend, was not the amount of time she was satisfied with. The problem isn't the amount of time, the problem is that they each had a different idea of how much time was a good amount. It's great that you and your partner have been together for 5 years, and if he has a busy job and hobbies and you're satisfied with how much time you spend together, then that's the right amount.
You can be partners without being co-dependent. You can be intimate without being clingy. You can be independent without being aloof. I think it's important to have a strong sense of self, and that should remain even if you have a strong partnership. If you and your partner spend one night a week together and you're both happy, then you're perfect. Same as if you spend every single night together, and you are both happy. If you balance someplace inbetween how much time he'd like and how much time you'd like, then you are working as a team and you're golden.
When I read your article it took me back to when I broke of a relationship because I was too busy for him. The shoe can be on the other foot, definitely not gender specific!
I'm interested to see what relationships will be like in another 10 years, specifically when the youth of today get to marrying stage. The leech scenario written about above is so valid in todays world. The demands on people, men and women are immense, particularly if you've chosen to pursue a career.
"I am answering this assuming that his "busy schedule" does not mean his wife"
Classic! LOL! :))
Wow had me thinking most definitely! I've been with a man now for 3 yrs. still no comittment still no ring! And I only get to see him once a week! Try that out ! lol
I've been in a relationship like this as well We have been together for four yrs and I see him once a week.( Witch I need MORE time) He actually lives in another state only four hours away. But I'm going to take his advise and work on ME!!!!!!
I'm so glad to have found this site because I'm currently having a really difficult time dealing with my recent break-up. My boyfriend and I agreed to just be friends because of his recently very busy schedule (which I do know is legitimate). We've been together for 6 months and he was the one to pursue in the beginning. He always went out of his way to make me happy and I did the same. When his work schedule (he's a cop) became more hectic things went downhill. On top of a busy work schedule he also inherited a few acres of land which he takes care of on his time off. Me being in graduate school and working means that I had to be available during his downtime if I ever wanted to see him. This meant sometimes just reading a book while I watched him plow the fields. I always tried to find some way of seeing him, but overtime he called less and stopped making plans. Only a week before we did the friends thing he was telling me that he wanted to make the relationship work. I know that I deserve someone that takes the time to be with me. As far as I know I wasn't clingy. I am completely independent, going to grad school, working, and spending time with my friends. I only asked for a once a week date and a brief phone call or a few texts a day. I'm just really confused and hurt, but I don't want to keep pestering him as to why we couldn't make it work. I still really care about him and love him and I'm hoping that he will do some serious thinking about what he wants. Any advice as to how to get over this for now?
Lauren,
His having a busy schedule and responsibilities is understandable. It sounds like you did your part making your schedule revolve around his. If all you're asking for is one date a week and some texts, and he can't find even that much time, well honey I think you know what I'm going to say.
Even though you weren't clingy, he has made it clear that he doesn't think much of this relationship. If you are busy with grad school, friends and work then you can fill your time. Eventually this will be easier.
I will give you this advice. Trust me, if this relationship has a chance, this will work.
Reclaim your mystery. Guys behave this way because we let them. Stop letting him. He knows he can get away with it. So he will continue. Be better. Be classy. Be strong. Disappear for the most part. Let him chase you for once. Don't call him, don't be there, don't bend over backwards or any other way.
If you never hear from him again, then you know he was gone anyway. You're not out anything.
If you do hear from him, be pleasant. Be positive. But don't be easy or confrontational. Just be busy. Make him work for it. Reclaim your mystery. Men love women with some mystery. I'm serious. If he calls you say, "Wow, I'm so glad to hear from you! It's been a while. But hey listen, so sorry, on my way out. But call me later in the week. Bye!"
If he wants you, when he realizes he's lost you, he will do something about it.
Every night mmy boyfriend and i talk on the phone because i just recently moved. But when i say why don't u ever call he says ok he will but doesn't. should I feel bad about having to initiate the conversation everyday. I have tried striking but it just makes me miss him...
Michella
Yes, you should see that there is a big probem if he nevers calls you. It should be a two way steet. He should be calling you too. The fact that you've brought it up and he knows that you've noticed, yet you still tolerate his not calling, shows an even bigger problem.
I'm sorry that when you don't call you miss him. But the truth is he doesn't miss you at all, or he would call.
Michella, I'm sorry hon but he's made it painfully clear. It's over. Move on. Stop letting yourself be treated like that.
Veronica,
Thank you so much for your wise words. I've been telling myself that I need to back off, but I always end up texting or calling to say hi and initiate conversation. It's good to hear it from someone else that I need to disappear for a bit; gives me the motivation to do it. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me sound advice and I'll let you know how it all works out! Thanks!!
Thats sounds so true, but what should i do when he calls with a really good "excuse" i felt like we were so much in love and i reall don't want to break it off unless i feel taken for granted... am i even being taken for granted? I was thinking I should not call him until he calls me and see if he missed me. Good plan or no? I don't want to seem clingly like i don't have a life but eh...the distance is kinda killing me.....
There is no good excuse. He ended it, you just haven't accepted it yet. Don't call him. And be casual and aloof IF he calls you. At least for a few calls. You have lost all stature in this. STOP IT.
In general I agree that you shouldn't beat a dead horse. However, some guys for some reason have a pathological fear of the phone. Seriously, I once dated a guy who would NOT call. Ever. If I called him, we'd talk uncomfortably for a bit, and then he'd make some lame excuse (early) or just say he needed to go (later in the relationship) and that would be it. However, he would appear at my home and take me for surprise dates, bring me spontaneous presents, write me letters and hand deliver them, have hours-long conversations about anything and everything with me at the park, at his home, in the car . . . get the picture?
All I'm saying is, look at the total picture. I think most of you who are looking for advice really know in your hearts which it is. Some guys are not good at being the initiator, or not good at phones (can we say "phobia"?), but make it abundantly clear in other ways that their girl is valued, appreciated, and loved. Other guys are clearly taking advantage of a woman's tolerance. Don't dump a guy ONLY because he can't seem to be the one to call you first . . . dump him because he called you just fine all the time last year. Or because he also blew you off 3 times last week. Or because he hasn't driven down to see you ONCE since you moved. You get the picture. Nobody's perfect, so don't reject someone for something minor . . . but don't make excuses for something inexcusable, either.
And, hey, if him not initiating the phone calls is really a deal-breaker for you, then you know what to do, right?
Oh I got the picture. Fear of the phone? Yeah, I'm not buying that. I think what you misconstrued as spontaneity in his actions, was actually perfect control over when he would talk to you. And he trained you to think this was OK. He initiated all the interactions with you, and in such a way that you were completely satisfied with it and "understood" not to call him.
I agree, most people looking for advice already know what the answer is. And I totally agree, no body is perfect. In general your I agree with you and your advice and really liked your comment.
But I do wonder about the relationship you referenced. Maybe I'm wrong, but I bet I got ya thinking about it.
You are very right, I did think about it. I still think that particular guy just had a weird hang-up (er, no pun intended), though, since all his friends also complained about the fact that he wouldn't talk to them on the phone, either. He'd email, but for some reason he really just hated the phone. :)
I laughed out loud at "weird hang up". That was too cute.
Yeah, if he did it with his friends too, you're probably right.
I really enjoyed your visit to this HUB, I hope you will hit some of my others. Have a good night!
GOOD GOING VERONICA
hi would you lte me join
I just chanced upon this website as i was looking for some advice, and I must say that it's been pretty enlightening! i've been having the same problems with my boyfriend; he's just very busy. he said that he tried to have us spend more time together by asking me to go out when he meets up with his colleagues and friends, but i refused. and i did, because i basically hate these kind of situations. i'm not much of a social butterfly, i prefer to have fewer friends, but all quality relationships. and i was hurt, because i felt that he was just trying to economize everything to stretch his time to the max. i mean, if this relationship is his priority, i don't see how he can ask me to try hanging out with his friends so he can get the best of both worlds. on the other hand, i know guys can be very pragmatic, and to them it might just be the easiest solution. i don't know - am i being too sensitive? should i try to make an effort to meet his friends?
Megan
Thanks for the great comment! You sound insightful and open to his side of things as well as yours.
You could certainly try to compromise - next time he invites you on one of those colleague outings, balance it by saying, - ok I'll go, and then next Saturday its just you and me, my place for dinner (or something you would truly enjoy doing.)
If he expects you to bend then he has to do some bending in return. You're right - pragmatic, economizing,... and the truth is if he really wants to see you he will make the time. Especially if you meet him half way.
Keep us posted! Let us know what happens!
Thanks so much Veronica!
Yes i do agree with you that the way to a healthy relationship is for both parties to compromise. But do you think that there is only so much both parties can compromise? The way I see it is that if both parties are at extreme opposites, no amount of compromise is going to do the trick. and that is what got me thinking and re-evaluating my whole relationship with my boyfriend, because we are in fact quite different people. he is more independent while i am definitely more dependent, i like my guy to be around me a lot of the time, and this has really caused us quite a lot of problems. we meet maybe 3 times a week, and when we do, he is usually too tired to really engage with me. i've known him since we were young(er), for 7 years already (but we weren't always together for that time, it was off and on), and he does often talk about us having a future together. but i get immensely terrified when i picture me sitting at home all by myself while he is busy at work, or meeting a client. i know you mentioned that we should have a strong sense of self and busy ourselves as well, and i can do all that, but that's not the kind of relationship i'm looking for. especially when it comes to marriage, i don't think that's what i'd want.
sometimes i just think that both of us would be better off if i'm with someone who is like me, who is more co-dependent in a relationship and who is able to fork out that kind of time (something which i believe was discussed here before). The bottomline, as it seems to me, is that much as I and my boyfriend love each other, our priorities and expectations are very much different. so i was thinking that no matter how much compromise i make (say, by hanging out with his friends which, by the way, is really not my cup of tea), it's not going to solve the problem. What do you think?
I think you've answered your own question. I think you want a different type of relationship, that involves less compromise and more similarities between you and your partner. I think that desire is understandable, and achievable.
And I think all yo have to do now is give yourself permission to go out there and get what you want.
I disagree with some of this. As a woman that enjoys my relationship, I am also a single parent, part-time student and I have a demanding full-time job. I also try to keep up with my fitness and beauty goals, as well. I have the problem of my boyfriend not being able to deal with my schedule. He commented that it is like I have to "fit him in". Duh! Everything has to be fit in!! I think the problem is that there can be two people that just have different goals and lives. Dating someone with less responsibility and more time to devote to a relationship is hard for me and it can be for anyone in the same situation. The problem is that you really can love and care for your mate and even need that person during down time to help you balance it all. It is unfortunate that in a world where were want it all and are forced to do it all, that we cannot always balance having a relationship. But, just because someone is busy DOES NOT mean that they are not ready to be with you. Life goes on besides a relationship - we have to go to work, we have to pay bills and if we have kid, we have to raise them. But, does that mean that you don't deserve a relationship because of this?
thank you for posting this! You've opened up my eyes to a whole new level
Veronica, I really like your advise. I've been seeing a woman for two months. She's studying for a PhD and hence has to be busy academically. However, as if studying isn't enough, she inundates her schedule with working overtime, mentoring, teaching, volleyball and family. After observing her schedule, I began to question how much time she has for me. I was trying to be fair by suggesting us being friends. After all, i didn't want to see her compromise her time for me, especially when she is busy saving the universe from falling. She spends at least once a week with me, but i know that this may not be so in the following months when she has to study for prelims and perhaps take on more projects since she can't say "no". We also live far apart. She lives in Washington Heights which is an hour away from Brooklyn where I live. So the travel is tedious just to spend the night. I also have my life which I enjoy and will never fill it up with random tasks just to mirror her schedule and be twice as stressed out. What do i do? Do i embark on a new friendship for the sake of our new relationship? She wants a relationship, but I think i already know what's best for her before she does.
Veronica, I really like your advise. I've been seeing a woman for two months. She's studying for a PhD and hence has to be busy academically. However, as if studying isn't enough, she inundates her schedule with working overtime, mentoring, teaching, volleyball and family. After observing her schedule, I began to question how much time she has for me. I was trying to be fair by suggesting us being friends. After all, i didn't want to see her compromise her time for me, especially when she is busy saving the universe from falling. She spends at least once a week with me, but i know that this may not be so in the following months when she has to study for prelims and perhaps take on more projects since she can't say "no". We also live far apart. She lives in Washington Heights which is an hour away from Brooklyn where I live. So the travel is tedious just to spend the night. I also have my life which I enjoy and will never fill it up with random tasks just to mirror her schedule and be twice as stressed out. What do i do? Do i embark on a new friendship for the sake of our new relationship? She wants a relationship, but I think i already know what's best for her before she does.
Grace/nicole,
It's usually not a good sign when we think we know what's best for someone else in spite of what they say or do. She's telling you she wants a relationship and you're deciding her busy schedule means she doesn't.
There was a tone to your comments. Things like, "filling up her schedule with random tasks" and "saving the universe from falling" reflect a very negative feeling toward the way she lives her life. This is not a tone a committed partner would use. Additionally, you said you told her you you could just be friends, putting the twist on it that it's all for her best interest. If you were in love with her, you wouldn't offer to bow out and say it's for her.
It's pretty obvious you don't want to be in a relationship with this woman. You don't like her schedule, you don't think the hour commute is worth it, you've offered to just be her friend. You want out, but you want her to make the break. And if she won't, then you want to believe it didn't work out because of her decisions, not yours.
But that isn't the case.
You clearly don't want to be in a relaitonship with her. Stop pretending to do or think things because they are in her best interest. You're the one that wants out. So, admit that. And get out.
Hey Veronica, thanks for your response. After I sent my inquiry, I had thought about a few things. I am really in love and have decided to accept all of her for who she is and what she does. At the time, I was not sure how to take our time difference and was a bit insecure about our relationship. Now, my feelings and willingness to compromise have grown stronger. Therefore, when i saw your comment, it broke my heart that i actually felt amibivalent about someone who i now care about so much. Thanks again for keeping it real....
working
Carl says:
16 months ago
I hate it when a girl I am dating latches on to my life like a leech, and expects me to spend all my time with her. She is history pretty fast. My gf now of 2 years is a real estate agent. She's always got some open house, or appointment, or convention going on. I actually feel lucky when she says she can spend a whole weekend with me. I love that she is so independent. It's so attractive that she isn't a leech.