Hidden Desires Part 3, "Letting Go"

Imagine a saying so close to reality, that it is locked deep within for years. Never really understanding or acknowledging it is there until the day comes where it bursts through your most continuous thoughts. It not only catches you off guard it brings you much surprise as well. And it isn't until the undeniable consistencies begin clicking that the initial shock is soon overtaken by reality.

Just as you seem to understand the reality behind it all, just as you seem to forget about years of confusion that has consumed your thought processing does the confusion grow even stronger. The reason for this? Because you act on certain thoughts that come to mind, because at the time they make perfect sense. Because at the time there is no such thing as wrong, it is only right. Because at the time all the past series of events are linking together and it just seems as if that is the answer to it all.

Years of unanswered questions begin being answered. Years of what ifs and how comes begin to play themselves out almost as if you can see the future. Decades, no matter how many or few, of consistencies make sense and you seem to have the answer on how to fix them. And just as you reveal it to the person you feel has played a great part in why you are feeling the way you are things unravel before your eyes. The hurt and confusion then splatters their face. The anger and resentment begins to flare in their eyes.

You know that it is a mixture of feelings towards themselves and towards you. However, you shut the caring off so they cannot see. Why on earth would you let them see how much this is hurting you? Why on earth would you let them know that it is not really what you want? Why the hell would you let them know this isn't how you wanted it to turn out? When you are so convinced that this is the right action to take and you feel that this time they may believe it, that this time they may actually go for it? Why would you jeopardize that by confessing your true feelings. How silly would that be to do so? Looking at the picture it is the perfect time to throw this out there. New faces, new loves, new hopes, new desires, New Possibilities, a New future?

You can see they are hanging on to that last bit of hope, by the single piece of thread that is dangled before them. That thread being yourself. You can grasp that you are what is keeping them to hang on. And though you love the idea that they still feel that strongly for you, the past haunts you, taunts you, and screams at you. You want to believe so badly that it is true this time. That they mean it, that things will be differently.

Yet years of the same outcome peek obviously in the corner. You feel that there is more of a chance for the past to happen then the wanted, desired, and possible different future. You want to reach out and hug them as the tears invisibly stream down their face. You want to kiss them and hold them and go to them and tell them that you love them more then they could ever possibly know. That they are still that person you had hoped to spend the rest of forever with. That you would give anything to take it all back and change what has been done. To change what is going on at this moment. That you would give anything to be there and have them again. To have that love that had been stripped so rapidly from beneath you two.

Yet, you cannot predict the future, you cannot hurt those that you have become involved with. Because with the past and the realization that the future you had fought so hard for has failed miserably before you and there is no real chance of recovery. That there is very little hope because you are too far gone and too far hurt to feel you could ever let go, you could ever forgive what has been done. That your dreams and hopes and desires for the future that you two had held has dispersed immensely.

It is because of that you have to let go. You know first hand what it is liked to be given that glimpse of the small bit of picture just to have it covered up quickly and never seen again. You know what its like to have that small taste and not be given anymore, and realize that no more will ever be given. It is because of this that you have experienced first hand that you know they are better off. That living on a slight string of hope is not good for them. That there are other possibilities a different future that they could have.

You love them more then anything so why keep them from that? No matter how much they feel they want to go through it, No matter how much they feel they can handle it? Why put them through that. You know that soon the mixed emotions and the confusion will overwhelm them and slowly tear them down. You know that if they continue on in that way they will end up growing into a inevitable desire to not do anything to not move on. So it is best to let them go now. To cut that piece of thread so they can have that chance. No matter how much you do not want to, no matter how much you love them. You know this is the best thing to do for them.

Over time you know that the feelings will be suppressed, forgotten, or will disperse. You know they will not feel that way forever. The pain comes crashing down on top of you, you can no longer breath, because you are aware that this choice will turn into never seeing them again, never talking to them again, never having them again, not even the friendship that has grown so consistently and close between the two of you will be able to be experienced. You are aware that you have lost your best friend, that you have lost the one person you loved more then anything in this world. But you suck it up and you deal with it. You do your best to breath, to keep yourself from falling into that dark hole that taunts you. You do your best to prevent yourself from arguing within. You do your best to keep yourself from believing what you did was maybe not the best thing to do.

In times like this it doesn't matter how much you love someone, or how much you want them, or how differently you wished things were or could be, it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing that was fair to them. You close your eyes and wipe back the final set of tears that have fallen from your eyes as you look up at the stars and pray that one day they will understand that you did it for them.

Because their happiness means more to you then yours, Because their happiness is what you had stood by their side and fought for all these years. Because though the possibility still exists that you make them happy you know they will be happier being free.That the feelings you have had have not gone and you hope they realize that it is because of how strongly you feel for them, how much you care for them, and how much you love them was the exact reason you let them go. It is because of situations like this that allow the saying "I love them so much it hurts." to never be more true.