Well, the suspense is over folks...I have yet another recipe sure to blow your Christmas stockings off! A holiday recipe for all to enjoy and one that was a favorite at every one of my child hood Christmas feasts! I even throwd in a bit of a story that will knock a tear from your skull for sure! ENJOY!

First the ingredients: Not one but TWO loaves of day old bread, it is the holiday, so splurge a bit. One Toaster, one half gallon of Vodka ... or two.

Step one: We need to pre-heat...Drink half of the half gallon of vodka, this will allow you to forget that you spent all of the Christmas funds on booze...lucky for you you weren't THAT drunk when you buried the mayo jar of dimes next to the mail box otherwise there just wouldn't be Christmas this year!

Step two: Now that you are well pre heated or " lit " as some like to say...Open the first loaf of day old bread...

Step three: Trim the mold and wet spots from the individual slices of bread as needed.

Step four: Consume one half of the last half of the half gallon of vodka, by this time you should be drinking straight from the bottle as the gag reflex is now numb, this will conserve time for the meal preparation.

Step five...uhh ( I usually black out here )... Place bread slices in the toaster. IMPORTANT!!! One slice per slot... do not rush at this juncture otherwise you will compromise this recipe! Patience is a must.

Step six...Stumble away and begin arguing with Dad and step dad...Be sure to let them know you are ok with them living with your mother to ease the tension.

Step seven: The beeping of the smoke detector indicates that you need to remove the toast and to also replace your toaster! Repeat step five, but at this point in time who cares...STAY FOCUSED! Another drink should do the trick.

Step eight: Vomit into the slop bucket under the sink, you need to be light on your feet and full of holiday cheer for the dinner to come.

Step nine: Now that you have provided the main side of charred, questionable toast, a family treat, ... Set the table with last years holiday plates...who says you cant wash paper plates!

Step ten: NOW it is time for the main course...Wait, no main? At this point you remind the family that you poached the deer last year..." Who the f**k is s'posed to poach the deer this year?"

Step eleven... Two hours later Uncle Mike comes thru with a killed squirrel. Save the bones and scraps for the cat...My kitty disappeared the day Mike kilt that squirrel.

Step twelve and the LAST step: Stop making out with your mom long enough to do the dishes cuz you never know when the social workers are gonna show up!