Holy Reconciling

Alex and I are having coffee at my kitchen table in Endsville. "Oh, I wanted to tell you. I had this dream a couple days ago," I tell Alex.

"It's a dream that's been recurring ever since I started teaching. You know, the same dream with just a change of characters and setting. I use to think it reflected something in my teaching situation, but I think it goes deeper than that…

"Anyhow, I went over the dream in my head the morning after. I wasn't gonna write it. Haven't been recording my dreams lately, too much into the novel. But, the dream stayed with me. It seems to illustrate a point from Gurdjieff. You know, the triad he describes; Holy Affirming, Holy Denying, Holy Reconciling. Also, he talks about the man between two stools. ‘Happy is he who is on the first stool. Happy is he on the second. But woe and suffering to he who is between stools.’ I know what finally made me write the dream. I was consulting the I Ching. I asked the question, 'Should I continue my writing?' And, I opened to 'Hexagram Six, Conflict.' That’s exactly what the dream is about.

"But let me tell it. I'm in a high school classroom at Sycamore School in Willows. You know, the school where I had my first teaching job in '67. I recognize kids from classes I've had before. Some from my first seventh and eighth grade classes in Willows, others from sixth grade classes here in Endsville, a few from an eighth grade social studies class I taught in 1981. They're all high school students, now. All behaving really badly, talking, telling jokes, laughing and fooling around. All the time, I'm trying to get their attention, trying to start a social studies' discussion. The more they fool around, the more anxious I get. Two of the students get out of their seats and begin wrestling over the desks. You know, they're knocking over chairs and stuff. Others are gathering round, screaming and trying to egg the wrestlers into a real fight. In a fit of temper, I yell for the two to leave the room. ‘Go to the office. Go to the office,’ I scream without even writing a referral.

"They laugh and joke on their way out. Their classmates join in as the boys wave them good-bye. I'm stamping my feet in anger seeing any chance of gaining control slipping further and further away.

"You know, this is the way the dreams always go. I'm trying to get the class's attention. They grow more and more rowdy. I'm losing control, and getting more and more emotional," I tell Alex who nods his head and starts to comment.

"Usually, I wake up in the middle of the conflict. But, in this dream, I finally reach my limit. I scream at the kids that they don't deserve me as a teacher, and stamp out the door. As soon as I'm out of the room, my anger turns to fear. I quit without notice. I'll never get another job, I'm telling myself. The two students that I sent to the office are walking toward me. 'You ought to be proud of yourself. You've driven me out of teaching,' I tell them. Several students come running up and begin to apologize for their behavior. I turn my head and walk out of the building."

"I'll tell you, it never fails… When you listen to someone else's dream, it's so clear. We always look at the actors in a dream as other than oneself. Even though we know that everything in a dream is from the self, a projection from the self… But, go on. Go on. It's a very interesting dream."

"Yea, well, I'm beginning to see that more and more… But, anyhow, I hurry outside, and see my car parked in a bank of snow. It's the old black '59 Volvo that I drove in Willows. The streets are cleared, but they've plowed the snow against the parked cars. Inside, I crank the engine and watch a squad car pass. I'm frightened that I won't be able to get out of the snow without attracting the cop's attention. It's almost as if I'm escaping from school and if the officer sees me, he’ll bring me back.

“The scene shifts. I'm at my credit union in Stockton. A black lady behind the desk tells me that I just took out a loan last summer. She explains that I have no credit left. 'Not even with the pink slip on my car?' I ask.

"'No, I'm sorry, it's all used up,' she tells me."

“I walk outside feeling really down and wondering what I'll do. A well-dressed businessman approaches. 'How would you like to work for our Madison Avenue office?' he asks.

"‘I don't know,’ I answer feeling a rush of excitement. The man leads the way to a very plush restaurant across the street. Inside, he sits down on a leather stool at the mahogany bar. The stools on both sides of him are occupied. I feel a touch of disappointment, having anticipated that he would treat me to lunch. Now, I'm not sure if I should stand or take the first empty stool. The man introduces me to an associate who sits on his left hand side. The associate shakes my hand and asks what my two greatest fears would be in considering their offer.

“I blurt out that my first would be whether I really wanted to leave teaching. 'My second would be…’ I start to say as the first man introduces me to the associate on his right. I shake hands, and tell myself, I'll have to get at least thirty thousand a year…

"The second associate directs my attention to an open area in the middle of the room. 'Let me explain how our program works,' he says and begins to adjust a set of metal hoops. When he's finished, the hoops look like a five-foot high rolly polly circle toy. Somehow, he creates the illusion that the toy is alive. There's a puff of smoke, and it starts walking toward me, continuing just passed my normal line of peripheral vision, it collapses in a heap. Seeing this, I know that the men are trying to trick me. I'm not sure if they are magicians or con men. I figure the job would involve too much dishonesty and deception, and decide not to take it.”

"Wow, that's a really big dream. I see a lot just from your description. There's a definite reference to the Persona… And, to the Trickster, the Fool, coyote trickster… You know, I look at dreams mostly in Jungian terms, and I think that Fritz Perls' Gestalt has an accurate technique for interpretation," Alex tells me.

"Yea, well, I haven't tried to interpret it, yet. But, I'm wondering right now, if the students in these dreams don't represent different ‘I’s who are battling for control of my consciousness, or is it ‘I’s in myself who are rebelling against my effort to control? That's one aspect… And, then, there's another. The whole week before the dream I was worrying about trying to find a way to earn more money. Thinking about giving up the writing, getting out'a teaching, focusing all my energies on getting myself out of the financial hole that we've dug, my credit card debt…"

"Definitely, those students are psychological forces whose attention you are trying to attract. You even mention the word attention. Something in yourself that doesn't want to pay attention."

"Yea, but attention to what? To who? Who is it that walks around in your dreams?”

"Well, it's the same person who walks around in your waking life. Whatever level of consciousness you carry in your waking life, you carry in your dreams. It's the same part that regulates your contact with the world of material reality. It's that you who functions when you're awake. Those other parts that take on… That assume the role of different characters are the unconscious forces that you never see in waking life. They only come to light as you recall, as you bring them out of the darkness into consciousness through verbalization. You put into words what were psychological concepts in your dreams…"

"Yea, I can see that. Forces in myself that don't want to become conscious. Forces that are fighting my efforts to Remember Myself…"

From my dream, Alex and I go into a discussion of Jung’s individuation process and how close it is to Gurdjieff’s concept of permanent I. “Remember, Alex tells me, “Jung says that the whole purpose of man’s existence is to realize that unique individuality within his psyche.”

“Yea, true… And, Gurdjieff says that a man is only a man in quotation marks until he remembers himself, that one’s aim in life should be to become fully conscious, to awaken.”

“Yes, and that’s where the Holy Reconciling of your dream comes in. The first force, Holy Affirming, is your effort to get the attention of the ‘I’s in your unconscious. The second force, Holy Denying are the ‘I’ s, the psychological forces, that don’t want to pay attention, that are asleep. The third force, Holy Reconciling, has to come from the Work. You have to apply everything in the Work, the individuation process, Self Observation, Self Remembering, everything that the work teaches, in your effort to awaken the sleeping forces in yourself,” Alex tells me.