Now, this is a sport. Sweaty men kicking, kneeing, and slamming a ball around a big fat field. There’s running, which encourages weight loss; there’s jumping and kicking, which builds muscle tone and strengthens the body; then there’s television cameras, which encourage long, dark hair and stubble in order to attract the most female viewers possible. Now who wants to watch some soccer?

David Beckham

Who he is: Superhuman. Beckham is England’s most famous professional footballer, having played in more international matches and been “capped” (given special headgear for the occasion) than any other player in England. He was the FIFA World Player in 1999 and captain of the English national team from 2000-2006. Though he now plays for Real Madrid, he will be joining the Los Angeles Galaxy once his contract expires.

Why we like him: As if rugged good looks isn’t enough? Chiseled abs and close-cropped hair give you the impression of a man who may be too shy to ask you out, but would definitely save your life if you were drowning. He is married to Victoria Adams (yeah, that’s right, Posh Spice from the Spice Girls... are you guys too young to remember that?) and they have a whole bunch of kids to prove it. So, add loyalty to the list of the things I find attractive about this man.

Fabio Cannavaro

Who he is: A footballer currently known best as captain of the Italian national team, who drove them to win the 2006 FIFA World Cup. He is also currently holding the European Footballer of the Year award and the FIFA World Player of the Year.

Why we like him: Pass me a fork, I want a bite of that. Notoriously romantic (he courted his wife by writing love notes on her walls), charmingly humble (he says he wants nothing more than to go back to playing in Naples, his hometown) and a little rebelious (a total of six tattoos... that we know of), Fabio is the reason why women in Italy get up in the morning. It’s worth it for a look at that eerily gorgeous smile. Never mind, keep the fork. Something that good just has to be bad.

Christiano Ronaldo

Who he is: Compared to the first two on the list, he’s falling a little short of things to talk about. Playing for the Portugese team and Manchester United, Christiano may not be known to us, but most of Portugal knew him as the ten-year-old boy that you couldn’t keep from scoring, and Madeira’s top 2 teams both expressed intrest in signing him. After playing in an “Under 17 Championship” against Manchester United, the United players proclaimed that they’d much rather have him on their team than ever play against him again.

Why we like him: Aside from being gorgeous, he has a rather large chunk of charity work under his belt, including a great deal of work with Indonesian tsunami victims. Christiano appears kind and generous, not to mention having some of the thickest, most beautiful black hair I’ve ever seen on a man. What do you use for conditioner?

Andriy Shevchenko

Who he is: A Ukranian football striker and the second-highest European goal scorer of all time. He was named European Footballer of the Year in 2004 and also credited as one of the top 125 living football players by Pele in 2004. He currently plays for Chelsea F.C.

Why we like him: Married to a supermodel, and it still hasn’t made him less hot. He’s got absolutely piercing eyes, a shy smile, and he doesn’t speak a word of English, so you can listen to that beautiful accent all night and pretend he’s telling you something romantic. The truth is, he’s probably ordering dinner for his wife or two children, but you don’t have to know that.

Whew! There’s too much hotness in here. I’m glad to have proved once again that for real beauty and real bodies, you’ve got to head out to the soccer field. Or “footballing,” if that’s what you prefer. Just as long as you keep it sweaty, you can call it whatever you want.