I don't even know when it began. I was so blinded by love and my own dedication to the relationship that I didn't see it. I guess that I was under the impression that he was just like me. Of course I was young when I met him, and apparently naive.

When I first met Randy I was just of age. I had just had a baby girl from a former relationship that had ended before it began. And there was no father in the picture. My future husband was going through a divorce and already had four children. Things were always strained in our relationship. It was hard to adjust to his four children for sometime. I had to remember that they too were going through a "divorce". And I was the enemy to them. Those were obstacles that I was determined to overcome. After all I already knew that Randy was going to be a package deal. To add to the chaos two years into our dating relationship I had another child. So now there was six children in the mix, and I was of a very young age.

Until our daughter was born we had not lived with each other. We didn't even live in the same town until shortly after her birth. So I moved to where my fiance was located. It was hard enough being a part-time "step-mom" and now it was even harder putting in more hours, so to speak. This new town that I was in was also the town that his now ex-wife was living in. I had never even spoke to her until I had moved. Randy had never offered too much information about her. I quickly realized that had inserted herself into our lives quite a bit. Being naive as I was I didn't realize that her insertion was because of her own insecurities and jealousy of mine and Randy's relationship. Once Erika had been born she was no longer the only mother of Randy's children. And I being 13 years her junior only triggered her insecurities even more.

She started out being so sweet and seemingly understanding of the perils I was facing with her children and offered advice and help in situations that I had come across. Before I knew it she was making regular appearances at our home and calling quite frequently to speak with Randy. Randy assured me that it was in the best interest of the kids that he and she remained on a friendly basis. He believed that the children would grow up much more well adjusted in life if they had a united front with them despite being divorced. I totally agreed with this theory. It made a lot of sense to me. My own parents had divorced when I was 15 and I knew how tough divorce was on children. My parents did not have an amicable divorce. I and my siblings found ourselves caught in the cross fire quite frequently.

Randy and his ex-wife, being from the area both had several relatives and friends there. I didn't really know anyone. It took a while for anyone to get to know me and trust me. I think at times that they also viewed me as the enemy. Eventually after some time stories and rumors that had erupted about me started to get back to me. I couldn't believe some of the things that I heard. Of the many things I was accused of being unfaithful on a regular basis. I was accused of lying about the paternity of my youngest, even though she carried a very noticeable likeness to her father and half-siblings. I was accused of abusing my step children, verbally abusing my poor defenseless fiance. The whirlwind that I had stepped into was just unreal to me. I had never experienced anything like this in my life.

Then it began. The war was on. The source of all these lies I found was coming from Randy's ex-wife. There was a lot of denial on her part when confronted. When she finally realized that I wasn't buying into it she brought out the big guns. It was now a full frontal attack against me. And there were no holds bared as far as she was concerned. I had the police at my house constantly on bogus accounts. Anything from child abuse to harassment. But the attacks didn't stop there. Randy began questioning me. Randy's mother began questioning me. My step children would get angry and repeat things that their mother had said. They seemed to be turning against me at times. After all why wouldn't they. They would hear their father and I fighting now about thier mother. Both of their parents were influencing their thoughts now. She was still calling the house frequently, her loophole was the children. I couldn't interfere with her right to speak with her own children. I was in a no win situation and she knew it. She had accomplished what she had set out to do. If she could not have Randy then she was going to make sure that my life was hell.

Now that the only piece of the pie that was missing to her was Randy she set her sights even higher on obtaining that goal. The attacks still kept coming full force and now Randy seemed to have distanced himself from me. Not believing the truth when I would tell it to him, she was winning. Then the big rumor came to me via my neighbors. Apparently while I was working and Randy was supposed to be working, he was coming home on his lunch breaks and meeting with her in our home! All of the children were in school. There was no way he could justify this one. What else could they have been doing in my home in mid day with no one else there but the two of them? When confronted he would get angry and lash out at me. He would accuse me of being crazy. Now he would defend her more. And denial was the game. And crazy was the new title that I was labeled with.

I took my two children and moved out. That was it for me. I was beginning to endure abuse from Randy now. I had become enemy number one in my own home to everyone. I was so confused and so angry. How did it get to this point. Yes I had become a bitch, so to speak. Couldn't he see why? A person can only take so much before she snaps. And oh did I snap. Now I wanted revenge. I wasn't going to go so easily and let her take my life away from me. While I had only moved two doors down from Randy, I took six months to gather up my thoughts and plan out my own counter attack. We were not married, so I stood to lose everything that I had worked for all those years. While we didn't have a lot, raising six kids wasn't cheap. I wasn't willing to hand her or him everything either.

I moved back in after the six month period. Under the conditions that we get married. I demanded that we do so in secrecy to avoid problems and confrontations from all of my now new found enemies. So on October 26 in a park with a minister and two witnesses we snuck off and wed. After the wedding we came home and told our children and called our parents. The kids seemed pleased yet shocked. They didn't understand why they weren't told or invited. But I could not take the chance of his ex-wife finding out before hand. But now she could know. Now she could jump up and down in her unfounded anger and jealousy. Now I knew that I had won this game. Now if she tried to interfere again in any way I had legal rights and the both of them would have nothing that I had worked so hard for. I now owned 50% of all of our assets. And if another affair was to occur the percentages would go up in my favor.

Well of course she was livid with anger. Now getting older and showing her age quite predominately she was not going to be taken down by some infinitely youthful witch that she despised. It was only three months after our marriage that I heard rumors that she had my husband between the sheets again. Three months wasn't going to work for me. I knew that in order to make a marriage legally stick we would have to be together for at least six months. I knew that I had to do this for my own future. I fought with Randy, faced the darts of his denial and the verbal abuse of my being crazy once again. I was angry and I was bitter. I was also the most vengeful person you could meet. I am not proud of my next move but I felt the need to spread the pain around to the people that were causing my pain. And taking this route gave me a two for one deal.

One night I went out to a local bar with a girl friend to unwind and forget about my problems at home. From across the bar came a familiar face. It was someone I knew well. It was (HER) boyfriend. She was not with him. He was alone. He came up and started talking to my friend and I. We all went to my girl friends house after the bar closed to drink some more. The night was still young to us, we were in a partying mood. I had slowed down enough on my drinking by nights end that I was sobering up. I offered to take him home because he didn't have his vehicle. One thing led to another that night and we ended up having our own retaliation affair. I finally arrived home at 5:00am in the morning. Randy was still waiting up for me. There were a few neighbors that were up waiting with him. Then someone asked the million dollar question that I was waiting for. "Where were you?". Wrong question to ask a bitter woman whom just gotten her ultimate revenge. Oh yes, I told. I spilled it out in front of everyone. I told who I was with and what I was doing. And to boot a gave my husband a smirk and walked away. Let Randy tell his bed partner this story I thought. And he did.

As for the consequences of my actions, the lies began again, the police came again on more bogus accusations. But I didn't care. I knew I had struck a nerve. The same nerve that had been struck on me. Besides my six months of marriage was up by now. I was ready now to move back home around my own family. I was leaving that town in the dust and all of the players in it. By now I had helped to raise my two oldest step-sons. They were now of age and on their own. My third step son was in high school and was soon to graduate and turn 18. The youngest, my step daughter lived with her mother. I had hoped that by now they would be alright without me. I was hopeful that I instilled enough of my good influences in them that they would have a chance to be healthy adults now.

I was not leaving on bad terms with my husband. It was what it was. My life sucked up there and I was coming back home. I was going to live in peace with no drama. He obliged me and helped me move. He came down with me for a few weeks to help me and our two children settle in. I am not sure how it all happened but in those few weeks he chiseled away for my forgiveness and finally confessed to his affairs with her. Somehow he convinced me that with a new start he would never let her interfere with us again. She would never be allowed to call our home, come to our home, and we would never have to deal with her again. Knowing that she was miles away from me now, and none of her children lived with us anymore. I accepted his apologies and allowed him to remain in my new home.

Its been nearly five years now since my move. Its been quiet and peaceful. No drama. No contact with her. No police knocking at my door. Its been nice. I don't know that I have forgiven my husband for his part, my life was affected for years by his actions. I will never forget the pain and heart ache. The only thing that I do to get past it is to take comfort in the idea that he has learned and grown from his mistakes. Not that I fully trust him either. I have just decided not to dwell on what he might do in the future. But if he does I hope that I have learned a lesson from my own actions on how to appropriately handle it. So I have no real answers for anyone on forgiveness and the forgetting of past affairs. I can only tell them to just live each day as a new day. And know that you are worth more than that.

This heart felt story I dedicate to my son Randy Jr. who had recently approached me with a problem of his own about forgiveness and how to find it for someone that he cares about. I hope that this helps you and keeps you from repeating mine and your father's mistakes in life. Love You- Penny