How Computers Work

Have you ever asked yourself the question:

"I wonder how my computer works?"

Neither have I.

Nevertheless, I am going to answer it.

Just try and stop me.

Charles Babbage is thought to be the 'Father of Modern Computing'. His 'Difference Engine' (circa 1840) was a system of gears and wheels, and it could, in principle, do various calculations, as well as hum the tune to 'Let Me Call You Sweetheart'. The Difference Engine was never built during Babbage's lifetime, but his ideas were the cornerstone of what would someday become the average PC on your desktop.

So what of the modern computer you have sitting on your desk, and with which, in fact, you are most likely using to read these words?

When you turn on your computer you are actually connecting it "electronically" to a steam engine in the Philippines.

This engine is staffed 24/7 by the old Greek gods, who no longer have a purpose in the modern world and are happy just to have a job.

The runoff from the engine is mostly spam-steam which is bottled and sold to hackers which they inhale as a drug. Hence the term 'hacking cough'.

If you were to open your computer, something I don't advise unless accompanied by an adult and three members of the sixties TV series "The Mod Squad", you would find within a veritable world of wondrous gears and pulleys, tackles and fishing line, memory chips, poker chips,and other elements too technical to go into here. Suffice it to say the innards of a computer are not pretty should not be displayed in mixed company.

Having said that, however, let's take a look at a few of the simpler computer-components, and gradually work our way up to Ladies Handbags, located on the fourth floor where they are on sale this week only for half-price.

You will find the RAM,(short for "Ripe Artichoke Mixture") at the bottom of the computer tower. Don't touch it unless you are wearing rubber gloves and have health insurance. The RAM is connected to the ROM by way of the New Jersey Turnpike.

ROM is short for 'Romulus and Ramulus' (seeThe Origins of Rome,J.B.Spongepants, 1974)

The RAM and ROM are essential to the proper working of your computer. They function not unlike the hole of a doughnut--if there was no hole, would it still be a doughnut?

The same holds for RAM and ROM. In other words we might ask the question: ' if there were no RAM and ROM would there still be doughnuts?'

The CPU has been called 'the heart of the computer' and so it is.

Known for it's two-way pumping-action the CPU can clean your computer in a jiffy and leave no nasty marks or scratches on your hardwood floors. CPU stands for "Cow Parts Unclassified".

The mouse moves the little pointer on your computer screen.

This is accomplished by way of magic.

The disc drive is operated by remote control from a location far beyond this galaxy. It is made up of three parts:The Nina, The Pinta and The Santa Maria. These three parts work in the same room all day and rarely argue except over who's turn it is to go out for coffee.

The modem is the electronic component that regulates the size and speed of your pituitary gland.

Modems connect the computer to the real world and are thought to be responsible for Stevie Wonder's embarrassing album "The Secret Life of Plants".

The next big thing in the world of computing, will be the 'Quantum Computer' which is still in development by quantum scientists--tiny men no bigger than a thimble.

As to the future beyond that, we can ask the question: 'will computers ever be conscious?'

The answer is uncertain, but if my cousin Mabel who likes to knit socks for mushrooms is considered 'conscious' then I am sure computers won't find it that difficult.