How Do I Go On When I Can't Go On?
70Parris Island, SC
The last words of Samuel Beckett's The Unnamable are "I can't go on, I'll go on." What do you do when there's nothing you can do? Simple. When nothing else works, you take the only other course of action open to you: you go on.
There is a reason boot camps instill endurance into recruits. There is also a reason Parris Island Marine Corps Recruit Depot is on an island with one causeway and swift currents in the sound separating it from the mainland. There's nowhere else to go once you're there; the only way off the island is as a Marine (I think the last escape attempt was 2004), and I have real respect for anyone who graduated from Parris Island -- I know they have been through hell.
Depression is an Ugly Drill Instructor
Depression isn't fair for many reasons, the main one being, of course, that no one enlists. The severely depressed have tried everything they can possibly think of to get out of the vacuum-sealed 6' x 6' capsule that is holding them captive. They have tried to exercise, hearing that this will alleviate their symptoms. They try to spend time with their friends, even though they feel like withdrawing and just spending time alone. They change their diets, lay off the alcohol if they can, and go for a run after supper, knowing that this will get them physically tired and hopefully enough so for a good night's sleep. If their heart is broken, they look for reasons why the relationship ended or blame themselves. They turn to philosophy, searching for answers that will solve the metaphysical pain that is numbing their responses to the world. They sometimes turn to religion, throwing themselves into confession, or charity, or any good works they can find so that their days will be so busy they do not have time to feel the crushing weight of unspeakable darkness that is pressing on them. William Styron called it "darkness visible" -- almost palpable, yet empty. And yet, every day, no relief, no lightening, no release. It isn't fair. They aren't blind, bumbling idiots who don't know how to take care of themselves, they are intelligent, thinking individuals -- why isn't it getting any better?
Those who go to a doctor and then are referred to a psychiatrist feel almost fraudulent when they arrive. They are not insane; they just can't get out of this deep, dark, horrible hole.
It isn't fair.
The worst is not/ So long as we can say 'This is the worst' (King Lear)
I got good marks for a particular homework assignment in school that I thought was easy when I was a kid, and I was surprised when others found it a complex read. It was Gerard Manly Hopkins's "No Worst, There Is None," and it made perfect sense to me -- it's about how I was feeling most of my years as a teenager. I didn't know it was depression; I just thought that's what life was like. Here's the sonnet:
No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,
More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring.
Comforter, where, where is your comforting?
Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?
My cries heave, herds-long; huddle in a main, a chief
Woe, world-sorrow; on an age-old anvil wince and sing—
Then lull, then leave off. Fury had shrieked ‘No ling-
ering! Let me be fell: force I must be brief’.
O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap
May who ne’er hung there. Nor does long our small
Durance deal with that steep or deep. Here! creep,
Wretch, under a comfort serves in a whirlwind: all
Life death does end and each day dies with sleep.
Hold them cheap/ may who ne'er hung there, indeed.
If you have never been depressed -- I mean really, debilitatingly depressed, so depressed that you can't even be bothered to kill yourself because you're thinking, what's the point in expending all that effort? I mean, you'll only be dead when you've done it; it's not as if it's going to be any different than the state of non-being you're in right now, is it? -- if you have never been clinically depressed, you may indeed be tempted to say "cheer up, then: things can't be that bad! You're young! You have your whole life ahead of you!" Please try very hard not to do so. The person you are talking to knows this. The person you are talking to is suffering from a disease caused by a serotonin defecit or re-uptake at the junction between two nerve cells that inhibits transmission. Encouraging him or her to cheer up is like asking your flat tire to reinflate itself. It can't.
. . . and each day dies with sleep.
One of the surest ways to avoid having to deal with depression is to be asleep. Really depressed folk tend to stay at home and sleep a lot, or watch MacGuyver reruns, which is nearly the same thing. Sleep is actually a good thing, in these circumstances, and my heart goes out to those insomniacs who cannot find such solace. Having to look at all those 80's hairstyles gets real old, and although Richard Dean Anderson is handsome, the dialogue in those shows was dreadful, sometimes. Self-medicating with alcohol or sleeping pills or tranquilizers is common. Just don't mix them: you might miss the part of the show with the shoelace and the chewing gum wrapper. You also might end up in a coma or dead. Comas are not good, because they cost your family money. Dead is not good, because it also costs your family money (ha! didn't think of that one, did you? It costs thousands of dollars to bury your sorry ass). Might as well watch MacGuyver and then sleep through the next few days.
So, how DO you go on?
When any part of the human body needs medical attention, it indicates this to us by letting us feel pain. How do you go on? Get help. It might take months before you find the right antidepressant. Or the antidepressants might not be enough. Hospitalization might be needed. It might take months or even years. But anyone who has fully come through the other side will say it was worth hanging on.
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Comments
I went through that sleep period a lot when I was ill and depressed. It seemed in sleep I was not in misery, and the dilaudid helped me sleep. Gawd what an awful existence. There were many nights that even the meds didn't help. Glad that' over with. Thanks Teresa for a truthful and informative hub.
I watched my father battle this all his life and my mother never understood that it wasn't somethng he could just 'get over' and get on with life. Insightful as all get out. I wish others who have never experienced depression could read this and get a clue.
My heart goes out to anyone who suffers from depression, as one can't get away from it, its inside of you. I suffered from depression during my entire teens, but wasn't, thankfully, clinically depressed, but the level of depression I experienced was enough for me.
Insightful hub!
Hi Teresa. You have a lot of teeth in your ads. I thought that was a bit off, since chances are, if you're depressed, you're not smiling, unless you're putting on a show.
I love the twist of gentle humor you put into this piece.
And it is so true that you're body automatically puts you to sleep as a defense mechanism. And as I've always been a big fan of nature, I think it 's a good idea to let her do her job. Of course yes, like benedryl, our bodies often times go the other way, in which case we need to help nature out a little. (Mom's need help too, sometimes.)
In light of certain subjects, I think this was a wonderful hub put out at a wonderful time. Thank you for the beautiful hub.
Teresa, as ever I learn from you. This has truly touched me not only because you have suffered my new-found friend, but because I have realised that there may be people out there, friends even who are depressed - and I may not know it. This is something that I need to think about.
I (like Frieda) am captured by the sweet humor in this piece. Brings depression and its impact to a simple and straightforward human level I can relate to and emphatize with. I can't say as I've ever experienced depression, but I have the feeling whoever has will feel very well understood through your words.
Hi Teresa, This a wonderful hub and so real, Having suffered depression for a long time ,on and off, so many times in fact that I can now recognize the onset, and take steps to counteract it. My bouts have been known to last 6mths or more but now ,couple days and i'm through it. Your right ,the only way forward is to go forward.
Proud Mom, thanks for the read; I bet I'm not the only hubber around here who finds it comforting to know that you're around.
C.C. -- sleep, that "knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care" -- Shakespeare knew what a great balm sleep is, and mentions it many times in his work. I wonder what his demons were?
Ron, I'm so sorry about your dad. Why is it that kids sometimes know instinctively what is going on with their parents?
Violet: thanks for the read. Depression sucks.
Frieda: I'm quickly getting to know your wonderful sense of humor, and you're right -- I should really take down all the toothpaste-smile and make-up ads, shouldn't I? And maybe the one for Flight Attendant School was in poor taste?
Iphigenia, your compassion is always foremost in your comments, and I appreciate your kind thoughts -- we have no idea, sometimes what demons folk might be battling around us.
Elena, mujer, I AM SO GLAD you have never been depressed, and somehow that always shines through your wonderful hubs. Yet your empathy for everyone around you is clear: you can obviously put yourself in others' shoes (metaphorically speaking) and feel what they are feeling. Few people actually take the time to do that--it's hard work, for one thing!
Hawkesdream -- I'm happy to hear that the bouts are getting less oppressive and more "do-able." Sounds as though you've done your time in the trenches, though. Thanks for your comments --
Guys, all of your comments here are insightful and compassionate, and valuable -- you never know what sorry soul might stumble onto what you say here, and be comforted.
(Of course, I'm selfishly damn-sure glad it ain't me.)
I don't know what demons the Bard had, but he loosened them upon us in such a wonderful way
Thanks to your writings Teresa, more people may be better informed on this subject. Clinical depression is not just the "blues" which everyone has at one time or another. And yes, suicide causes so much pain in the family members who are still alive........not to mention the expense. I know! There should be no blame nor shame involved because, like you said, it is an illness like any other in the body. When you think of the human body and it's composition of everything swirling about in that chemical mixture, it is amazing that everything works as well as it generally does! Not so strange to think that sometimes a little lack of something or an oversupply of something else can cause diseases.
Wow. This may be the best thing I've read about depression. And believe me, I've read a lot. It means a lot when someone acknowledges that you aren't crazy and that you are trying. Sooo many people that have never went through this just don't get it. And that only makes it worse.
I am finally at a place where I can start to talk and write about this stuff. It just means a lot when others can do it with respect and empathy.
Thank you.
From one depressive to another - thanks for the really lovely read about something which is not really lovely to read about!
That Hopkins guy surely knew how to string words together, didn't he? He is still one of my favourite poets and has been since I was in university. It showed in that the highest mark I ever got for a piece of writing in the literature course was for an analysis of The Windhover and that wonderful sentence: "Sheer plod makes plough down sillion Shine, and blue-black embers, ah my dear, Fall, gall themselves, and gash gold-vermillion."
And of course the sonnet you quote is so magnificent: "O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall Frightful..." I too have felt those cliffs and that frightful fall when all one wishes for is for the day to die with sleep, but it so often doesn't come too easily, as even now I write when I should be sound asleep already!
Thnaks again for the reminder of Hopkins and his words. And thanks for your gentle, easy words.
Love and peace
Tony
I am currently going through a situation that I thought I couldn't live another day in. I've been going through it now for about 5 years! I have changed my mindset about it, so I don't feel nearly as upset and frustrated as I used to. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that is only because of what I have gone through. For so long I could only see the tunnel at the end of the light!
Hey Peggy W: it's an illness like any other. Some people have to take insulin shots; some people have to take serotonin re-uptake inhibitors or other form of antidepressants (that's just the one example I used here-- there are also MAOI's). Thanks for your comments and for the read.
SarahMichelle--hope you can keep writing about it -- it's a great way to come to terms with it all. Thanks for your kind response.
Tony, yep: Hopkins rocks! glad to know he affects you the same way.
JennifersJumpers: good for you for maintaining a positive attitude. It'll keep getting better!
There were a couple of years in my early twenties when I was depressed about my job and a few mean co-workers, but then I finally helped myself step out of that. I know they say people cannot think their way out of depression, but honestly that is how I finally did it. I decided that I am still alive even when sad or hurt, and that makes me stronger. I no longer want people and events to compromise my happiness, so even though I have moments of being blue, I quickly begin to think my way out. Now I am focused on being happy.
I tend ot get depressed easily. After my fiance died in 2002 I just spiraled into a deep depression. I wouldn't even leave the house. It was bad. Over the years I am alot better. I still find myself weak sometimes and vulnerable to get depressed. I try to write and to draw art or even sing....singing actually stimulates endorphins to make you feel better. Just like excercise is good for mental health. But when you can't go on.....you still go on....because the world doesn't stop for a broken or depressed heart....
Absolutely wonderful hub!
Depression is the loneliest place on earth. I should know, I'm a frequent visitor. But one good thing working for me is that I know the devil's face. So no worries. :D
jjrubio, singing is a fabulous release. When I get to feeling low or depressed that's one of the first things I do. Great point!
And Teresa, the good ads have finally made their way in. Lookin' good.
Hey Sweetie Pie: glad to hear you were able to shake of a touch of the blues.
jjrubio: so sorry to hear of your loss -- grieving is a long, lonely process. It can drag you down that tunnel at breakneck speed, and shut you in. Oh, I'm so sorry. Going on is sometimes just an automatic shell of existence, while you're healing inside. Welcome back, I guess! Singing is a great release. I also found that acting worked for me -- saying lines automatically instead of having to think really helped me go on, at times.
Cris A. I just knew you were one of us! But glad to hear you are able to see the warning signs -- stay serene!
Frieda -- sometimes it takes a day or two for the google ads to make any sense at all. Thanks for caring --
Once you get into the 'I am a loser mode', then its really hard to change the train of thoughts. Last month only, I was severely downcast, what with the recession ruining everything. I had graduated in 08 with a job with Accenture but due to the recession, I had not been called by them till then.Â
Thankfully though, this friend of mine literally dragged me out of it. I talked so much like a loser that one day she gave me some really harsh but very true words and I was shocked at first, didn't expect it but then thats what changed my thinking in the end. AS they say, keep your friends close. :)
Hmmm. Teresa. What can I tell you to make a difference? My best friend went through a similar thing a few years ago (I don't think she's fully recovered, actually, & since I live here, we have slowly drifted out of steady communication.) Her situation was severe--she was in the hospital and was on medications that did terrible things to her. I believe limiting the medications is a good thing, ie. Due to a little situation of my own (somewhat physical, somewhat psychological, perhaps) I have a tendency to avoid traditional medicine as the answer to all things, as I have seen damage done in the name of help.
My friend Liz is also a writer--I don't know if our subjunctive state of mind helps this stuff along or what (?)--and dealing with a divorce (it got so much more messy than I want to say). One thing I always told her is that I thought she needed to connect to her writing again--she had stopped. And that this I thought was much of the problem, since it was so much HER. I think you should also be glad to be able to sleep--Liz couldn't for months due to certain awful medications & also gained so much weight.
My solution to my own situation (and I'm not all that practical or careful, you know) was to refuse any treatment and move to New York--hey, it was a lovely sensory jolt that took me out of any empty shell feeling & I needed it. I don't do well bored, lonely or depressed. It was for me a reconnection--which I'm sure can be achieved through many different routes.
If any of that made sense, :)? If it did not--I hope you will take it with the thoughts of good health with which it was intended.
Hey, Lita: I very much admire and appreciate your comments about medications -- I am quite seriously in two minds about taking them. One minute I think "oh, if it were for diabetes, or something like that, I wouldn't think twice about taking it, so why complain about antidepressants?" and the next "it's just unnatural and unwise to be taking this many mind-altering drugs (that don't even get ya really high!)." I think the big "jolt" -- such as the sensory makeover of moving to New York or falling off a cliff :D is the premise by which ECT works, to be honest: your brain goes into hyperdrive fending off new sensory experiences, and you either thrive (or get worse). And if you thrive, you naturally begin to feel better. . . . I suppose any psychiatrist reading this would think I'm simplistic and ignorant, but I gotta tell ya, it makes sense to me -- so yes, thank you for voicing that, I do think there might be a tendency to rely on traditional meds. way too much. But when one is depressed, one tries anything. . . .
I often wonder what part of us is able to lift ourselves out of the abyss. I won't do the medication thing, there is a great big NO in me about them. I've taken the road less travelled and sourced the emotional and feeling level of depression. That's a good sentence "How do I go on when I can't go on."
And I look at the place where I go when I can't go on, and feel the feeling in a very primal way. It hurts. But I always find the strength to come out and move on. The black periods are less and less, and the stronger part of me is becoming stronger and stronger. It's like the strong part taking care of the weak part until the weak part becomes strong too.
I really enjoyed this hub. Thanks :)
This is a very good hub, and I definitely can relate to it. I have been struggling with depression along with anxiety for 2 years now. Some days are better then others, and then some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I wish that those who do not suffer, could read this, so they could understand how we are feeling. I can not tell you how many times I hear cheer up, or look on the bright side. Its true telling a depressed person this does not work.
Hey Sweet -- sorry to hear you are a fellow sufferer, but glad you stopped by. Hope your days get better and better and better. And if they don't, don't forget that HubPages is a great community of people who care, and you can always email or post in a forum. I'll be here. . . .
Been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. Finally have a combination of meds that work but I still have my days - and sometimes weeks - that I want to hibernate and sleep - or watch McGuyver reruns.
Thanks for a good hub!
T Henry -- I'm just coming out of a dark place myself; while I wouldn't wish depression on anyone, it is sometimes comforting to know we are not alone.
I've often said (not aloud): "You don't have to be depressive to write... but it helps." I'm not trying to make light of a serious illness, just that I don't think it's coincidence that so MANY writers suffer from mental illness, alcoholism and/or addiction.
God knows I've slept years off my own life. On the plus side, being bipolar means that for every low there's a high. Only my particular brand skews low, low. So the highs seem just medium in comparison.
I liked the GMH poem. He was my mother's favorite.
I think MacGyver reruns are hard to find these days, but there's always Murder She Wrote, or my personal TV addiction, Law & Order (plain, SVU or Criminal Intent -- any/all).
PS. Sorry for the very disjoined comment. I just read a poem on this subject by k@ari. Should tell her to check out your hub.
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Hi Teresa! Mighty Mom just directed me here. Depression is debilitating. I have been in a real funk for about a week now. HubPages and sleep are all I want...and lately it is sleep more than even HubPages. But as all things, this too will pass. In the meantime I will take your advice and keep going on.
MM -- I have two seasons of MacGyver on DVD. Let me know if you ever need them! The dialogue is so bad in places it's funny, but for some reason the "fix-it"-ness of the plot always comforts me. I'm sorry -- but not surprised -- to hear you are another one of us.
K@ri -- see my note on your great hub. Bless ya, girl.
Thanks for the soulful read. Just going through my first bout of depression and am finding it difficult to come to terms with it. Sleep does help. As Sweetie Pie mentioned...hoping to get out of this phase soon with lots of positive thoughts.
The description you provided that "no one enlists" and "asking a depressed person to cheer up is like asking your flat tire to re inflate" is right on the money! If you'd like to see the result of severe untrated depression, i'd like to invite you to read my hub - http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Reflection-of-Personal-
Cheers!
Diana - so sorry to hear you have been battling depression -- hope you are feeling better, now --
Rob -- hey -- it's always good to know we are not alone (not that we are glad someone else feels bad).
Proud Mom says:
10 months ago
A very insightful hub, Teresa.