How Do You Get Over A Loved One's Death? I am having such a hard time.

Surviving the Worst year of my Life. When 2002 started, I was actually looking forward to turning 30. I was leaving my crazy 20's behind and entering adulthood, as I saw it. I just never expected that becoming an adult meant dealing with so much loss. I had a a pretty good life up until then. The normal ups and downs, nothing to out of the ordinary.

I am not trying to quantify my loss, but it helps with the big picture. I was 29 years old wife and mother of 2 boys ages 3 and 7 months, married for 5 years.

January 31-blew out my knee with a completely torn ACL and Meniscus--February 23-my best friend's husband passes away at the age of 30--March-Knee Surgery--May-turn 30--May-My brother and 2 friends were killed in a boating accident--July-my grandmother loses her 5yr battle with cancer--Feb 2003-my husband tells me he has been unfaithful.

One blow right after the other. My first loss was of my super woman idea of being indestructable. Then I have to help one of my best friends through one of the most devestating losses of her and her 2 daughters lives. They lost a young vibrant husband and father. Then it was my turn to experience the worst loss I have ever had to deal with.

Losing a loved one is so hard to comprehend not matter what the relationship is. In my situation it was my only brother. My big brother. One of the people in my life who knew just about all there was to know about me. (isn't is funny how I keep saying me and my) How was I going to get thorugh the rest of my life without being able to call him, hug him, see him. I greived for all the times that he was not going to be a part of. He left behind a wife and an almost 2 year old boy. I greived for the loss my mom had to feel. They were as close as a mother and son could be. I greived for my dad, because they had just gotten close again. I greived for me. I was the rock though. I was the strong one. I helped my mom deal with her loss and my dad as well, but I was angry that they did not think of me and my grief, my loss. Where was my comfort I wondered? After the funeral, at which I spoke to an overflowing church filled to brim with friends and family, I retreated to the safety of my home and what I thought I could control. Things had began to spin so out of control, the only place I felt safe was at home doing my daily routine. My grandmother passing was a loss I could handle better. She had been fighting a very painful form of cancer for 5 years. She showed so much grace and dignity in her fight and she taught me the meaning of strength. The doctors gave her 6 months when she was diagnosed and she lived 5yrs. My husband being unfaithful was the icing on the cake. Whole nother topic. But to have the bottom just to drop out of your life is hard to handle. That is where I found myself after that year.

The things that got me through:

Knowing that no matter what happens, the sun will still come up tomorrow and I will be here to see it. With my brother being taken so unexpectedly, you learn to cherish the days you have and the people who have to share them with.

Take happiness where you can find it. Take it in the little things. I look at a beautiful sunset and think of the people I have lost. To me, that is them sharing that moment with me. For some reason, everytime I see a butterfly, I feel that it is my brother checking things out. He was an avid bug collecter as a kid. He loved monarch butterflies, those are the ones I notice fluttering around. A part of me believes that is him coming to check in on me. The small things eventually turn into bigger things.

The biggest one is to know that, You will never be given more than you can handle. I truly belive this. I did questioned it at times. I asked why me, what more do I have to deal with, how much more do I have to deal with. I cried, I broke down, I wanted to hide.

All I have to say is that I am still standing and I have come out the other side a stronger, wiser woman. It is not what you do in the moment of loss, it is how you handle the loss and come out the other side. The pain of the loss lessons with time. The sense of loss never truly goes away, it just dulls with time. You start to remember the fun, the laughter, instead of the tears and hurt.

I wish you a safe passage on your journey. I wish you strength and courage to make it thorugh the rough times.

Kim