This is a very difficult hub to start. The subject of death is one we all deal with as we journey through our time in this world. The experience can be tramatic at best, but unfortunately, an experience that is unavoidable. There is life, and there is not. Dealing with this fact is the rub. I think we need, first and foremost, change our inward perception of the entire ordeal. Only then can we try to make sense of the loss of a loved one, and in turn, accept what has happened, after the initial shock sets in, and build ourselves back to a functional level of life enjoyed before the loss.

For me, a new way of looking at death was the key. A Tarot Card reader told me once, not to look at the "Death Card" she placed before me on the table as not a finality, but as simply change. The end of something we know, and the beginning of something new. "Change", "an unveiling", a "new beginning."

That is all fine and dandy for someone to say, and really not bad for those who have passed on, but what about those left behind? What good does that do? What about the tremendous whole left in your heart left by the loss of one close and dear? How do you mend that?

For myself, after the loss of someone who was very close to me, I realized I needed to completely revamp everything I knew of life and death. This meant looking deep inside myself to figure out why I was having so much trouble getting along with my life. Through the entire process, I discovered a few things that just may help. The deepest parts of my mind held one very key issue that still rears it's ugly head from time to time, even now. Guilt.

Not guilt as in something I did while the individual was alive, but guilt in the matters of things I did not do when they were here. I found this to be one of the largest hurdles to get over. Let me explain before I confuse you or lose your interest. Let me briefly run you through the morning of a beautiful summer day when I and a few close friends were doing some rock climbing in the mountains of South Carolina. That is the setting, and to move things along quickley, I will simply tell you that due to a freak accident, and a very unusual bit of equipment failure, a friend, a very close friend of almost 15 years fell and was severely injured. (A Compound fracture of the femur, a few broken ribs and a slight head injury.) We were eight miles from the vehicle, and more than thirty miles from the nearest medical attention.

We had camped the evening before, and instead of moving our vehicle closer to the area we planned to hike to, we opted to leave the car where it was and just hike all the way. (Incidently, it was my decission to do so.) The result was having to carry our dear friend back to the vehicle and traveling to an emergency facility, which you can imagine, took a great deal of time. A luxury we did not have.

Oh, we made it, and so did he. After a few hours of surgery, our friend seemed to be out of danger. Then it happened. A massive clot broke loose and ended our friends life. Heartbreaking indeed. But what devasted me were the words the doctor relayed to us. Had he gotten medical attention sooner, he probably would not have had such complications. The words hit like a punch to the stomach. It was my fault it took so long to get him help. In my mind, I had caused him to pass from our world.

The guilt filled me, and so did the darkness of his loss. I had never told him that he was one of the closest friends I had ever known, though I certainly believe he knew that, I still never voiced that feeling to him, and now he was gone and it was to late to tell him. I knew I needed to defeat this emotion or it would haunt me for the rest of my life. But how?

Strange as it may seem, it was he who helped me. After a very long period of self pitty, I began to look back at my Native American roots, and some of the teachings I had learned, but forgotten over the years. Then and only then did I begin to pull myself back from a very dark place. (I suppose I should mention also that I am Bipolar, so I was very close to the edge at this point.) To make a long story short, I found my friend, still living. He was very much alive, both in my memory, and in my heart.

In fact, to my very great suprise, he was not alone. For in my mind and in my heart, I found others, who had passed on from this life, living there along side of him. I began to realize they may have left this place physically, but they were still around me in memory. They lived inside my heart and mind still. I began to realize that though I could not see them, I could feel their presence. I could feel all the love I had for them welling up inside me, and I could feel their love and friendship still embracing me, and though I could no longer embrace them with my arms, they were there, and they always will be. They will be with me always, until it is my turn to move on from this body, to leave this place, and to face a new one in death.

Things really began to fall in place for me then, and I discovered that although I do not welcome the event, I found that I feared it alot less. The thing about it is this, dear reader. Those that pass are only a memory away. Take strength from the love you had for them and let it strengthen you from within. Let them speak to you from your heart, and hold all the memories you have close.

Realize that mourning is okay. Crying cleanses the soul. Allow it to wash away the negative feelings of guilt and "I should haves". For only then can the positive things begin to replace all the bad that will flow out. Look inside and find the one you lost physically, and you will find them, still there, in your heart, where they will remain for all your days.

At the risk of sounding callous, grief is a selfish emotion. It involves our loss in this world, and deals little with the prospect of what faces those who have moved on. Grief blocks the wonderful things you have shared with the one who is no longer walking beside us. Grief blocks the positive things that have come from a lost relationship. Positive things like the love and deep friendship you have had with those who have moved on to a better place. Grief blocks the realization that one who has passed on no longer need deal with all the pitfalls, pain, sickness, and woes the rest of us, who are left behind, need to deal with each and every day. Grief blocks the love and memories we need to feel to heal ourselves. Grief blocks the presence in our hearts and minds of those gone. Grief blocks us from allowing their love, which is still there, to reach us. Grief blocks their love from healing us. From embracing us.

Perhaps this is, to many, absolutely rediculous. I don't care. This is whow I learned to finally accept the death of those who have been close to me, and I hope in some way, it will help those who are having trouble moving past their loss.

I would like to thank my dear friend for helping me to realize these things. For helping me to heal. For helping me to not let go, and realizing there is no need to, for although he has passed on, he still is with me, as are others who have traveled into that great unknown. In my heart I know they are there, they will always be there, and they will be waiting for me as I take that first step into a place I can only imagine to be one of peace and serenity. I wish you a long, healthy and joyous life, and I know the one you lost wishes you the same.

I'm just saying.