How Do You Get Over A Loved One's Death? I am having such a hard time.

Very early in our relationship, I attended the funeral for my husband's paternal grandfather. The man was in his late eighties and the entire family was in complete and total shock because they had yet to lose anyone on that side of the family. To me this was a totally foreign concept and I tried to explain to my husband (boyfriend at the time) that most people have had to deal with death and grief much earlier in life than he had. I went on to tell him that he was truly very lucky to have made it into his early twenties with all four grandparents alive and well.

My family on the other hand had not been so lucky and to this day, my older sister claims we are living under some kind of a "curse" for lack of a better word. I have been forced to experience several variations of mourning from various ages and relationships and each one has truly seemed very different. I will elaborate on the differences in separate hubs, but please post comments if you agree or disagree with what I am talking about. I would like to see if anyone else has this same feeling of "different kinds of mourning" or if I am alone in this.

When I was 8 years old I lost my maternal grandfather. He was one of those grandpa's who always had time to smile or let you sit on his lap. It's sounds incredibly corny and cliche, I know, but it is the truth. Grandpa always smelled like pipe tobacco (which I still love the smell of today) and black licorice. He gave all of us grand-kids a nickname practically from birth and that is the ONLY thing he would call us. These were pet names and even as I type this I can hear the sound of his voice calling me "Little Sica" (my name is Jessica).

When grandpa got sick (lung cancer) we went several times to the hospital to see him. We would go in and visit but it smelled funny and grandpa just wasn't himself so we would wind up in the waiting room watching t.v. until it was time to go. The last time we went to visit, mom kept begging us to come in and spend time with him but "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" was on so we would only run in briefly between commercials. Grandpa didn't seem to mind so we thought nothing of it. To this day, even though I understand I was 8 and not old enough to really know any better, I carry that guilt.

A few days later mom and my aunt came home from the hospital and told us grandpa had died. I went numb. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I think that I went into shock. Everything from that point on seems kind of a blur. We went to grandma's house to stay for the funeral and I remember people trying to get me to eat (which I refused to do) or to sleep (which I couldn't seem to do) or to play with the other kids (not even remotely interested). I basically sat on the floor and stared at the picture of him hanging on the wall.

I know they didn't let me go to the visitation because they thought it would be too much for me. During the funeral, I sat in the pew and stared at the open casket. I could have swore that I saw him breathing and I kept telling myself that it was just one of grandpa's jokes and he was going to sit up and laugh at us all any moment. We all stood up to walk by the casket and I kept watching and waiting for him to sit up. When all of us grand-kids had filed past, I looked back and realized that it wasn't a joke and I lost it.

I started bawling uncontrollably and had to be taken outside. People kept telling me to breathe but I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I practically hyperventilated all the way to the cemetary. Once they put the coffin in the ground, I went back to my catotonic state and stayed that way for a very long time. It was early December and up to this point I had done very well in school but after that I didn't seem to have the energy or the motivation to do anything.

I withdrew from friends and family and kept to myself as much as possible in the 3rd grade. One day as I was making my bed, I had a little conversation with God. I told him that if he didn't bring back my grandpa by that weekend (we were going to grandma's house) that I would never believe in him again. For some stupid reason, I actually believed that this was going to work and when we got to grandma's, I went looking EVERYWHERE for him.

Of course, he was not there, and mom and grandma found me crying my eyes out and incredibly mad. My mom hugged me and told me that it would be ok and this made me even madder. I screamed at her, "You don't understand, I lost my grandpa" and for the first time in my life, my grandma raised her voice to me.

She grabbed my arm got down to my eye level and said, "We know you lost your grandpa, but your mom lost her dad, don't you think she's upset too? Do you think grandpa would want you acting like this? Do you think he would want you failing the third grade because of him? You need to think about how someone else feels for a change and stop feeling sorry for yourself."

For some reason it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I had been so consumed by my own misery, I had failed to see that anyone else in the family was mourning too. I promied mom and grandma both that I would try harder and I did. It was not easy, I still had days of sadness, but I made sure that I didn't do anything that would cause my mom more worry. The school year was almost over and fortunately my teacher was very understanding and let me pass even though I had not technically earned it.

I spent the summer outside playing ball and learning to be a kid again instead of a recluse like I had been all winter. Looking at the experience now (and even as I typed this) I can point out most of the stages of grief and understand that what I went through is considered normal but at the time I felt like I was going crazy!

Parents should talk to their kids before they gets to the point that I did. I know my mom felt helpless and probably didn't know what thoughts were running through my head, or about the stages of mourning for that matter. With the internet today, parents can educate themselves and let their kids know that everything they are feeling is completely normal and even find ways to help them cope.

Children feel completely out of control in the situation as they have no say so in where they go, when they go, etc. Talk to your kids about what would make THEM be more comfortable. Ask questions and make sure they understand what is happening. Save them from the disappointment and guilt they may experience if they are left to their own imaginations and worries.