How Do You Overcome Losing a Child?
86
Facing the Indescribable
Losing a child is a horrific experience no parent should ever have to face.
It is one of the most unnatural things that can happen to a woman. It's something many people fear at one time or another, but probably never expect to actually experience.
Unfortunately, I've been there. I have faced the gut-wrenching pain of losing a child. My son died just two weeks before his 13th birthday. He was my oldest child and would have been 19 years old this upcoming week.
You don't ever get over the loss, and parts of you may never accept it, but you always find a ways to cope with it the best you can. I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not. In fact, it may end up being the toughest thing you'll ever endure.
Overcoming the Fear after Losing a Child
For me to begin get over the fear of losing a child and the worry of ever losing another, I had to educate myself. I had to read about other people's experiences. I was compelled to read opinions about life after death, different philosophies, etc. I was reaching, no grasping, for anything, anything at all, that would give me even a sliver of hope. I needed hope that things were going to be ok, hope that I could begin to make some sense of these feelings I was feeling. I had so many questions about why. Why did this have to happen? Why me? Why my son?
I tried to attend local grief support meetings, but I personally did not find them helpful. I do recommend you try it, but don't feel you have to continue if you don't find it helpful. For me, I found it to primarily to be a pity party where everyone was competing to see who had the worst situation. I'm sure it was just this particular group of people and there are probably some wonderful groups that provide lots of support and information for their members.
I felt most comfortable searching online and found a wonderful website that helped me tremendously in those early days. The link to this site's message boards is listed below. What I liked about the site is that they have separate sections for people experiencing different types of losses. This allows you to chat with others experiencing a similar loss to you. I'm sure you can appreciate how different it might be to lose a child to cancer versus losing one to an accident to losing one from violence. They all share some core issues, but they each have different emotional needs because of their specific circumstances. Another thing I liked about turning to an online site was that it allowed me that little bit of anonymity allowing me to feel freer to say what I really felt and was able to sit and cry as I read other people's stories. It made me appreciate the 'good' in my own situation as I saw how bad others had it. Those little things meant a lot.
|
Life After the Death of My Son: What I'm Learning
Price: $8.98
List Price: $14.99 |
|
The Grieving Garden: Living with the Death of a Child
Price: $11.74
List Price: $16.95 |
|
After the Death of a Child: Living with Loss through the Years
Price: $5.28
List Price: $19.95 |
|
When The Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter
Price: $6.92
List Price: $16.99 |
|
The Worst Loss: How Families Heal from the Death of a Child
Price: $3.91
List Price: $17.00 |
|
Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child, Revised Edition
Price: $7.95
List Price: $13.95 |
In a Nutshell
In a nutshell, to begin to cope with the fear of losing a child, whether you've already lost one or not, is to seek more information. Find someone to talk to, in person, or online. Discuss your feelings in whatever environment allows you to express them best. There are no right or wrong feelings, but all of them deserve recognition as you begin to cope with them. Lastly, time heals all wounds and fears. They all subside if you allow them.
Helpful information:
- Beyond Indigo Message Boards
I found this site particularlly helpful. They have a category for different types of losses. - Now I lay Me Down To Sleep - ~Infant Bereavement Photography~
The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation (NILMDTS) administers a network of volunteer professional photographers. At a family's request, a NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer will come to your hospital or hospice location and conduct a sensitive and pri
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Thank you for your additional comments and well wishes JosephDiego! You are so right about focusing on the good things.
Just recently, through a friend who had a premature baby, I found out about a non-profit volunteer organization that helps parents preserve the memories of their deceased children through photographs. This organization is made up of thousands of volunteer photographers who will come to the hospital or your home to take photographs of your deceased (or dying) baby or child. In some cases the baby/child is already dead and in some cases they have only hours to live. When you read the stories, you'll see how precious this service is to the parents who have suffered the loss of their child. The site is www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com.
Wow, I just watched the end of a Movie on HBO Alpha Dog " I Think" with Justin Timberlake. It had a scene with the mother of a young teenaged man who was killed in the movie. Even though it was just a movie. I ran to my sons bed room to give him a kiss.. Just Thinking about it, is bringing me to tears right now....
Thanks for stopping by again, Josephdiego! It is tough...I'm sure it has affected how I treat my remaining child as well. I make sure she knows how much I love her and take nothing for granted.
I just came across this KCC - what does one say to someone who has lost a child?All I can say after reading this hub is that you're such a wonderful person and I'm sure you will be a support and inspiration for so many meeting and reading you! God Bless.
Thank you so much Shalini! Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by! You're a very sweet person.
How sad. I'm so sorry that you had to lose a child, my biggest fear of life. My mom lost her third, a girl in 1943, mom died in 1997 and that baby was still on her mind, and every year of her birthday mom was depressed. she never got over it. I'm glad i found this. thanks
Thanks for sharing that CC Riter. I'm sorry to hear that though. I know how your mom must have felt. It has really helped us to celebrate the anniversary of Kevin's death with balloons. We always send off helium balloons with notes attached to them asking the finder to please let us know how far they go. We've gotten three responses in 5 years.
Someones in the kitchen I know-o-o-o.....
Howdy Christoph!
I lost a brother when i was 17 yrs old and is was extremely painful. When my friend lost her only son who fell from a building, i was too dumbfounded, too shattered to even console with her. I can only imagine that sorrow you speak of about losing your son. I appreciate your candidness in this hub. Blessings!
Thank you for your kind words, IslandVoice. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I saw the pain my daughter went through. Kevin was her only sibling. Now, she's left as an only child. Luckily, she has been able to talk openly about her feelings and I think that has helped.
KCC: I can only imagine your sense of loss. I know that you will never get over this loss...as you said...and wish you the best in still, trying to cope with it. I have had a similiar experience only...not the same...my young step-son died in combat...so I can understand the terrible grief of losing a young one.
It is tough...tougher than imaginable, really. But, we do go on, mostly because we have to. I'm really sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for stopping by.
I came across this site. I can relate with you. I lost a my 11 year old son almost 9 months ago. her older sister never talks about her loss to us. i also read about other peoples' loss on the net to console myself. take care and keep on being strong. I pray everyday that i will be strong to go through our loss
It's really tough, Kay. *Hug* Thank you for taking the time to read my article and commenting. You've gone through the toughest part already. Time does make it easier, but there's a void you'll always have. Take care.
I have lost both of my adopted children -- one in a jet ski accident when he was 14 in 1991 and his sister on May 13 of this year to suicide. Both were sudden and unexpected.
OMG WannaB....that's certainly one thing I learned when I visited the grief message boards after losing my son.....no matter how bad you think you have it, someone else has it worse. I cannot imagine losing two and both of your so tragic and so close together. What a tremendous loss for you. My heart aches knowing what that must be like for you. Thank you for sharing that. Perhaps you'll write a hub about grief?
I'm sorry for your loss, No you don't get over it, ever. I have suffered and feel your pain.
Thank you "Its Angel". I'm sorry that you have suffered what I can only presume is a similar loss. It will be become more manageable with time, but yes, many facets of the pain will remain.
I can only begin to imagine your pain. My son was born with a serious heart defect and we thought many times that we would lose him. I am fortunate - he is healthy and well now. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you EverythingMouse. I'm glad to hear your son is doing well. I was leaving a comment on your hub while you were leaving one on mine...how funny.
thank you for sharing. this will truly help a lot those who has lost one.
Thank you bigskee...I sincerely hope so.
I know it's not much consolation to know someone else has suffered more, but when I think of what could have happened to Jason instead of his quick death doing something he loved, I'm thankful he died as he did if he had to die. I think one of the most heart-wrenching things I ever read was a scene in a pioneer biography (can't remember title or author right now) where a mother is being dragged away from her house by her neighbors. Her son, who is dying of rabies, is calling to her, begging her to stay with him and promising that he won't bite her. She so wants to go to him, but the doctor and the neighbors pull her away for her own safety. I can't imagine a harder thing for a mom than that. My son was a gentle and compassionate person. Had he lived, he might be in Iraq right now, perhaps having to kill. I can't imagine him being able to do that. As parents, there is so much we often fear will happen to our children. When death is quick and almost not felt, it is a mercy. I think of the children who are kidnapped and die in terror and consider myself lucky I don't have that to deal with. I so admire the parents who have nursed their children through painful fights against cancer and still have lost them. It would be so hard to watch your child suffer over and over again. My faith gives me the assurance that the pain belongs to our family, but that Jason did not have to suffer and is now free from tears forever. We will meet again and I'm sure he will be ready to show us around Heaven.
I agree with you. I have found myself saying it more than once since Kevin died, that there are things worse than death and that is suffering. I too am glad Kevin didn't suffer. He was having the time of his life when he died. Who could ask for more? Thanks for stopping by.
I have been reading the wonderfully heartfelf messages of support posted on this page and have taken some comfort in them. I am currently holding my 8 month old baby daughter Martha, the joy she brings myself, her mother , family and friends is immeasurable. Martha developed well in her mothers tummy and to look at you would not straight away see her condition. She contracted meningitis and suffered severe brain damage at birth. I find writing anonomously easier than talking to my family as I am struggling to come to terms with being told we have a limited time together. I'm. Outwardly remainging strong for Martha and her mother but it is putting a great strain on me.
Adam, my heart goes out to you! I know how hard this must be for you. Writing anonymously is a great way to express your feelings without involving your family. Losing a child is difficult, but watching a child suffer must surely be worse. BeyondIndigo.com is a great site for grief. I know you're not there yet, but if the comments here were helpful to you, perhaps the comments there will be as well. Parents who have lost children due to illness have their category and you can read what some of them went through. I hope it helps you. Take care of yourself. Thanks for stopping by. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
I am so tired of people whose children are alive and healthy telling us that it is time we 'get over' Caitie's death. They cannot understand that between the 5 years she fought leukemia and the 3 1/2 yrs since she passed we've had almost a decade in hell. I refuse to apologise for the fact that my grief makes them uncomfortable.
I agree with you Annie! You owe NO ONE apologies for how you feel and losing a child has to be one of the toughest things a person could ever face. How dare anyone tell us to just "get over it".
http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com
Our kids who have cancer lose so much: they lose friends who move on with their lives, they never have the luxury of that 'I'm gonna live forever!' feeling, they know they are most likely infertile from treatments (chemo/radiation etc)...yet they never give up.
We lose not only our child, but their children, that walk down the aisle, we have years of holding them while they are given poisons to save them, stuck with needles in their spines and hips, hold their heads while they vomit endlessly. People have said "well, you wouldn't want her back, sick as she was." The hell I wouldn't! I'd have her back in a heartbeat anyway I could get her. I'd fight by her side and hold her, smell her, cry with her and laff with her. She is my hero and my soul mate. She became my best friend during all the months of hospital stays. I miss her every second of every minute of every hour of every day...she was 14 when diagnosed and 19 when we lost her. She was talented, bright and beautiful and I do not like the world as much without her in it.
Annie, thank you so much for sharing your tribute to your beautiful Caitlin. My heart goes out to you (hugs). It's people like YOU that are MY hero.
My small tribute to Kevin is here: http://hubpages.com/hub/Split-Second-A-Tribute-to-
Your tribute to your Kevin is so sweet. As an artist myself, I can relate to how he was growing in his aspirations. Being an artist is not something one chooses to be; it is something one cannot help being. Kevin's helping the woman at the haunted house reminds me of Caitie: she was always sticking up for the underdogs in life, defending them with all her might! (hugs)
KCC. What a beautiful hub about such a difficult subject. Iwrote one a little similar but not nearly as well. I am truly sorry for your loss..... It's great to see that there are other bereaved parents Hubbing for the newly bereaved. You are a light on the other end of the scary tunnel. Thatnkyou for doing it.
Thank you so much phoenixarizona! I'll have to check yours out!
What enfuriates me is that people who have lost brothers, parents and grandparents compare their loss to the loss of a child. Those others are supposed to die before you. I have lost two children - one in a hit and run car accident and the other to murder. Aged 19 and 35. Everyday is a struggle, everyday my whole body aches for them, everyday I(have to pretend for the other people who cannot handle me grieving) that I am ok. I try to live to their honour and glory. Both gave life their all - untill the end. With my broken disguised pain - I try honour their memory. Painting -painting and still more painting, letting the grief out in colour and textures (you dont have to be an artist- just let it go to where it is really understood- somewhere where they and God understand) People are cruel and ununderstanding) Dont rely on people they cannot resist to peck on a bleeding chicken) I painted a picture of myself hiding under the wing of God and seeking his protection and comfort. His light engulfing me and protecting me. After the first childs loss I came to realise you cannot find consolation from people. Not even the ones who have also lost a child. The time factor, age and personality differ so much you cannot place your hope on the falllibles. There is only one Hope one Love and one God. Seek his comfort, beg for it, plead for it. Eventually he hears and then you get what he promises; Peace that surpasses all understanding.
Be blessed and God be with all you aching dear friends.
Thanks for stopping by Nellie. I am so sorry that you lost not one, but two children. What incredible pain you've had to endure. You're right, though. The loss of a child is in no way similar to losing a friend or other family member. And you're also right that even other mothers may have a tough time understanding your loss. I'm glad you have found consolation with painting and your relationship with God. Hang in there!
Thank you for this website. 8 months down the line after losing our 23 year-old son it seems to be getting worse instead of better. We've been reading everything, walking, painting, taking time off work, and , just as you think you're getting stronger, you get knocked sideways again.Some of the reading has helped.Trusting God and knowing that this is part of a greater purpose does bring some relief. Talking to our son helps too. But no matter how much you try and hold the big picture in your mind and create positive thoughts of moving forward and trying to cope, the pain of missing his physical presence is enormously unbearable. I find I have become so timid and somewhat isolated. My heart goes out to all of you in this situation.
When I was 18 years old, a GYN told me I couldn't have children because of problems with both of my ovaries. I was utterly depressed, when you are 18 you imagine a beautiful life with a husband and children, you make up the names for your kids and how they will be. Eighteen years old is no age to have these dreams shattered or rather any age for that matter, but I got my dreams cut short very early. Earlier that year, before these heartbreaking news, I got a little dog which I named Skippy. After receiving these horrible news I started to turn to my little dog for comfort, he would lick my tears away everytime I cried, he would lay on my lap until I stopped sobbing and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have gotten over the horror of never being able to have children. Skippy became my child, I started looking at him like the child I wasn't able to have. I got so attached to this little angel who only made me feel good, if it wasn't for him I would never have been able to cope. In June '09 he passed away......and with his passing I was destroyed. I still cry everyday and the harsh reality of my inability to have children has come back, though not as strong because my little boy made me feel so good about that. God gave me Skippy to help me cope with something horrible, but now my Skippy is in heaven. Now I know my Skippy wasn't an actual human child I gave birth to, but please understand that to me he was and is. I will always love him and never forget him and the bond and love we have for each other is intense. Wherever you are my little boy I love you so much and I want to thank you for all the good you brought to my life.
That is a very touching story Isabel! Thank you for sharing. I can certainly understand how he became your son and how terribly you must miss him. I'm sorry.
Thank you for this website. 14 months after losing our 23year old son the pain is becoming worse with each passing day.The first year was spent being in a state of automatic functioning and when everyone thought you should be turning the corner at the first year - the pain and reality really started to bite. We find that talking to our son helps enormously but the pain of never seeing his physical presence is too hard to bear right now. Like Claire I have become timid and isolated but the strength does reappear when you are unexpecting it. This is a living nightmare and my heart goes out to everyone in this situation.
I do understand, Claire & Wend....I'm coming up on the 6th anniversary in a few weeks. Losing a child is a tremendous nightmare for anyone to endure. Yet, we somehow survive, perhaps by gaining a bit of strength from each other. Hang in there.
You are wonderful, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you have been through. I wish you the best, thanks for all the awesome hubs!
Aww...thank you so much Sandi!
my 17 year old son died 8mths ago today,and my friends think i should be ok now get out living life,and i feel like i dont have a life. i hurt daily. i make them uneasy when i say hes name. how self of them,they dont know that lost.
Never ever let them dictate when it's time to feel ok. Because you're right, we're never going to be ok. We learn to adjust and it takes time. I'm so sorry you lost your son. Nothing I can say helps, I know. I too, made people uneasy talking about Kevin. But, they just had to learn to get used to it. Hang in there. If I can help, let me know.
I read your article and I'm sorry about your lose. I too have lost a child. A baby girl that died two days after Christmas. After going through such an experience, it changes who you once were. But I try to understand that God wanted to raise her for me and I know one day that she'll be waiting to greet me. I still grieve and I'm still angry, but I can't bring her back. She's in Heaven now.
Thank you Sholley. I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby girl too! You're right, it does change how you see yourself and how you see the past. It's like I have memories of knowing Kevin's mother, but that person's somehow different than me even though I'm Kevin's mother and always will be. I think you'll understand that.
josephdiego says:
12 months ago
Wow, I could never imagine. My Friend Lost her child ( Crib Death) She was never the same.
Yes I agree, support is key. Talk about it express your fellings, let it all out.
Please try not to focus on the loss, Focus on the gain, the beauty you had together for those 13 years. Have faith that God did not take him to put him in a bad place. I am sure he was needed somewhere else to accomplish great things. You know how wonderful he is. So does God.
Think about it, we cry and feel the loss for our own needs. It’s not about us, it’s about them. God blessed them and God has blessed you. You, your family and son are in my prayers….Love, JosephDiego