I love food. I enjoy looking at food, smelling food, tasting food, chewing food, and swallowing food. I also enjoy preparing and cooking food and giving special or gourmet foods for gifts. My entire family is the same way, so I grew up with this mindset - and it shows. I'm a large lady. I guess you could say I'm addicted to food. So when my husband and I planned a cruise with some friends, part of the excitement for all of us was the legendary cruise ship dining.

My pal Kenneth set everything up. He's a frequent cruiser, and one his favorite things about cruising is - you guessed it - the food. He frequents the pastry bar on the ship ten or twelve times a day. He's the kind of person someone like me hates. He's tall and lanky, even though he eats all the time. When we taught together, I noticed that he kept a big bag of chocolate candy in his desk drawer at all times, and he munched on it throughout the day.

Anyway, we boarded the ship at about noon on a Thursday. We all went our separate ways, exploring the ship. Kenneth told us if we ever needed to find him, we should check the pastry bar. He wasn't joking, either. None of us had eaten lunch yet, but we found plenty of options on various decks. By the pool were hot sandwiches, burgers, fries, hot dogs, onion rings, and tacos. A long salad bar had been set up on another deck, with an ice cream dispenser and a 24-hour pizzeria nearby. At another location we found a buffet with baked ham, turkey and dressing, lasagna, country fried steak, chicken, vegetables, and an assortment of breads. And wonderful butter. Honestly, I don't remember what we ate for that meal, but I do remember the bread and butter. That's my biggest weakness. I could go the rest of my life without eating dessert, but I do love my bread and butter.

That night, we had our first meal in the formal dining room. We sat with our friends, several of whom were former cruisers. We all ordered salads, and I ordered a grilled lobster tail. My husband, Johnny, ordered beef Wellington. When my lobster arrived, it was a little small, and I voiced that opinion. One of my pals assured me that I could order as many as I wanted! Johnny enjoyed his beef, but he asked about the black stuff on the outside. When I told him it was pate, he carefully scraped it all off. Along with our meals we had garlic rolls and more of that delicious butter. We stuffed ourselves and left the table for some casino action.

Around midnight, Kenneth announced that it was time for the midnight buffet. Huh? Johnny and I were still full from our 6p.m. dinner, so we declined. Kenneth, however, was always ready to eat, so we parted company.

The next morning, we hit the breakfast buffet. It was awesome! There was just about every breakfast food you can think of in attendance. The croissants were out of this world! Especially when they were slathered with that yummy butter.

The rest of our meals on the ship were somewhat of a blur. It was kind of like being on a "food drunk." I remember bits and pieces, like boiled shrimp, grilled filet mignon, salads, fresh tropical foods, and lots of warm, soft, yeasty breads with creamy butter. Did I mention the butter?

I also remember whenever we got to missing Kenneth, we could always find him at the pastry bar consuming cakes, cookies, eclairs, donuts, turnovers, or all of the above. Where did he put it?

I also remember that we got a lot of exercise on the cruise. For one thing, we always took the flights of stairs instead of the elevators. For another thing, we did a lot of walking around Nassau and Paradise Island. We ate three meals a day, with no snacking in between, even though we were always bombarded by food. The whole time I was on the ship, I drank either unsweetened coffee or water. Considering all these pertinent facts, how in the world could I have gained 13 pounds in just four days?

I blame it on the butter. By the way, did I tell you about the butter? It was the best I have ever eaten - and that's saying a lot! We used to milk our own cow and churn our own butter, so when I say something about butter, I know whereof I speak. Finally, on the last day of the cruise, I took the time to read the writing on the little foil-covered squares of butter. I discovered that it had been imported from Switzerland. Aha! Those evil Swiss cows - making that butter extra good and fattening to undermine the health of Americans on cruises! Pass me my tinfoil hat - and while you're at it, pass me some more butter.

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