How I lost 145 Pounds In Just One Year

In 2001 I lost 145 pounds. His name was Garry. Here is how I did it: I packed my clothes and a 10 year old Apple computer in the trunk of my Ford Escort, moved into a dinky one bedroom walk-up apartment, and filed for divorce. Exactly one year later almost to the day, presto! One hundred-forty-five pounds of hyper-critical, temper-tantrum-ing, egomaniacal, thieving, mean-spirited, tiny-you-know-what, prima donna designer metrosexual was out of my life forever.

Let me tell you, I did feel lighter.

It took me a long time to get my self-esteem back though. Everytime I pick up a women's magazine or walk past the diet book table at Barnes and Noble, I think back to how it feels to hate yourself and to be surrounded by people who tell you that you ought to hate yourself. It feels lousy, that's how it feels.

So if you clicked on this hub hoping to find a fast track to weight loss don't get mad, I am going to get to that, seriously, I am. But first let's take an assessment of where you are at right this minute. I'm not talking about your BMI or your waist measurements or how much cellulite you have on your backside and thighs, I'm talking about self-respect.

What is you SRI? (Self Respect Index.) You probably don't even know do you? Not to worry, I've devised a little calculator to help you determine this. Once we determine your baseline SRI, then we can get started with the diet programs.

What is your current Self Respect Index? Although it can be painful to face the truth, the first and most difficult step in any program of change is admitting you have a problem. The following simple calculations will help you to quickly determine how much you currently respect yourself, and once you know that, the weight loss part is a piece of cake. (So to speak.)

1) Take the number of women's magazines you buy regularly or receive monthly through paid subscription and add to that figure the number of times you've said "I'm sorry" for something you didn't do or wasn't your fault in the past 24 hours. So, for instance, say you subscribe to Cosmo, you buy First for Women or Women's World at the check-out counter every time you buy groceries, and every six months you buy a copy of Vogue just to look at the ads and to use as a doorstop. Let's also say that in the past twenty-four hours you've said "I'm sorry" whenever anyone near you expressed anything mildly negative about anything at all. Your calculations so far would look like this:

4 women's mags + 139 needless apologies= SRI top index of 143.

2) Now divide that number (143) by the number of things you do for yourself in any given week because you like them and/or care about them and damn the consequences. I know that this will be the painful part for lots of you. Say you bought asparagus last week and cooked it for yourself even though every other person in your household thinks it is disgusting and makes their pee smell funny, plus you went to see the "Sex & the City" movie on your own and let the guys see "Ironman": This number is your SRI bottom index number, in this case, 2.

143/2 = 71.5

3) Go ahead and round that number down to 71. I won't tell. There, your SRi is 71. What you are shooting for is an SRI of 1. Ideally, you want to be number 1. (Don't we all?) So you have 70 to lose. 70 what? How should I know! I'm giving you the tools here, the work is up to you!

Now that you know what you have to lose, it's time to get started paring those 70 whatevers off your beautiful self. Here are a few ideas:

The Fat Friends Plan

Do you hang around with lots of skinny bitches who pay over $100 a visit at the hair salon to have all different colors running through their painstakingly casual hairstyles and don't have anything nice to say about anybody? Those girls aren't evil, they're hungry. Also, they're young and still kind of stupid. They don't understand yet that to most men the sexiest woman alive is the woman who is about to have sex with them within the next ten minutes. All the rest is really just window dressing. They haven't learned the truth yet of how to please a man: "Show up naked, bring food!" so they are trying too hard and not eating and this makes them a drag to be around. Men can smell desperation from miles off. Don't hate these girls, but do lose them. Get some fat girlfriends for god's sake! Remember how nice Oprah was before she lost all that weight? Think about it.

The Apology Diet

See if you can go an entire week with out saying you are sorry. Those of you old enough to have watched that young woman die in the schmaltzy 70s movie "Love Story" know that love means never having to say you're sorry. So knock it off for a week, just one. This plan is radical and painful, but changes will occur, trust me. They may not all be pleasant, but they will get you to an SRI of 1 fast if you are strong enough for this particular crash program. Try this one if you need help fast, and let me know how it goes.

The Tapeworm Diet

If you really must be skinny and nothing else will do, consider picking up a tapeworm. Women in the 19th century actually purchased these little friends by mail order so as to not pass out when their corsets were tightened. You wil also gain that ivory pallor and feverish glow that tells the world you are a delicate flower. Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.

The Women's Mag 30 Day Cleanse

Take every single magazine in your house this month that explains to you how to be a woman and build a bonfire out in your backyard, or, if that's against local ordinances, take them all to a park where bonfires are permitted (if you need to borrow a pick-up truck, ask somebody nice). Wear a man's t-shirt and cut-offs and as you toss each magazine into the flames, chant, "I'm already a woman dammit!" Seriously, name 5 magazines that teach guys how to be guys--do it quick without thinking. Can't do it, can you?

The Maybe-He's-Just-A-Jerk Plan

Are you constantly "working on your relationship" with your true love? Are there "issues" that seem to go on an on and require constant monitoring, mostly by you? Is the help he offers to repair your feminine inadequacies becoming burdensome and repetitive? Honey, maybe it's not your "relationship", maybe he's just a jerk. Ask yourself if a boyfriend-ectomy wouldn't instantly shave about 100 points off your SRI. If the answer is yes, don't delay, dump that loser, and don't pick up another single man until you feel like you don't need one. Then, be picky. Once you don't need one, they'll be all over you, so you'll have lots of choices...and an SRI of 1.

That's it, that's all I have for today. Bathing suit season is upon us even as I write, so if I were you I'd get right on this. As for me, I'm always looking for ways to improve myself and ways to help others. God knows we're all hideously inadequate as we are, right? I mean, why would the Creator in Her wisdom make something that was good enough just from the git-go? Not just good enough, but, dare I say it, beautiful!

Seriously, it's possible that you are already beautiful.

I'm no expert, it's just a thought.