How Not to Lose Yourself

No matter how happy you are for them, especially when John has been a decided bachelor the entire length of your relationship; There is nothing more depressing than watching your friends slip further and further out of reach, into the depths of "we". Slipping out of "John" and "Erin" into "John and Erin" and eventually into "JohnandErin" then Eventually into John,'n'Erin or ErinnJohn. One word, no breath between the words. They are one, Joined at the hip. It is nearly impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins. And it's even harder to have a conversation, because they don't stop kissing long enough to give more than one word answers.

Surely you recognize that I'm exaggerating. (Or Am I?) "John" can easily be replaced with "Tammy" and "Erin" can easily be replaced with "Tim" and it doesn't have to be your friend. It can be your son, your father, mother, sister, brother, cousin.... you get the picture.

Aside: It's wonderful when one of your professors gets bitten by the bug, suddenly everyone's marks start going up. It's a little like pregnancy that way, the hormones start driving your brain wonky. I once had an entire class get A's on their papers because my prof was 8 months pregnant at the end of the semester. Believe me. Some of those papers did NOT deserve A's.

This is the point that you call just to make sure your friend is still alive, or to see if they want to go out for lunch, or one of their favourite activities, because you KNOW they *love* pool, or skating, or street hockey, or ....... and they say "I Can't I'm playing D&D with John" and you find yourself coughing up a hairball, because her entire life she has said nothing but how much she hated the entire idea of D&D, and had nothing but bad things to say about people who played it. (For the record I have nothing against D&D, I personally love the game but I needed an example). This is but the first step in the loss of "I" It only goes downhill from here.

Soon they start talking in ways they always hated. Like Umm saying Ummm and Like umm like umm every umm every like second word, and even typing that irritated me so I'll stop now. They're the type of person that you would have to hold their hand to keep them from slapping someone next to you on the bus who was talking that way, and now you find yourself cutting conversations short because you just aren't quite sure how to spell the word "cool" the way the're pronouncing it. Is that k-e-w-l, c-i-e-u-l, c-u-h-l, or q-u-i-h-e-l? And you would give your left arm if they could get through a single sentence with saying the words "Jeff and I".

You know it's time to cut bait when they start telling you you're jealous of their 'sweet love' and you have to bite your tongue rather than say 'yeah, sickeningly sweet' It's time then to step back, wait for the sugar to hit the fan, but a sixpack of kleenex boxes, and wait for the day that the sun sets.

I'm not saying relationships are bad, I'm very happy in mine. Nor am I saying that everyone in a relationship makes me want to hurl. I'm also not claiming to be an expert on relationships. Most of the following points are common sense, but apparently the presence of sensation in the sexual organs precludes common sense. (That's better than what was there the first time 8))

• If you have to change who you are to be in a relationship, there's something wrong with the relationship.
• If He/She expects you to change there's something wrong.
• If He suddenly picks up knitting or wants you to start driving race cars because it's one more thing to do together, someone is losing their identity.
• it is not necessary to lose your identity to be in a relationship.
• It is *healthy* to be apart!! Honest!!
• If you're afraid to be apart because you think he's going to find someone else in the next 12 hours, if he actually will, he's not the kind of person you want. And if you're that insecure, you're probably not ready for a relationship.
• If you feel in your gut that it's wrong, it probably is.
• Re-evaluate on occasion. What are you getting out of it, what are you losing, what is she getting out of it, what is she losing? (This is not an invitation to inflate or deflate your ego!!) But if you never get to spend time with you friends, or doing things you like because you're always doing things they want to do, is it really worth it?

Keep the I In We. Don't lose yourself. You do not have to become a we to be in a relationship. They fell in love with you the way you were.