A word of caution: This hub may be graphic at times.

It is my desire that this helps others who are going through the healing process right now. I was inspired to write it for another hubber who wrote about her experience. I hope that she reads it and gains some insight about whot she will be going though.

I was a devoute church goer and went to church every Sunday and then went to a restaraunt afterwards for our Sunday dinners. I very much believed in Jesus and read the Bible myself a few times and I was in a bible study class.

When my daughter's were 7 and 9 years old I had started a job that I thought that would bring in some much needed income. It was a vacuum cleaner company and the man that came to sell me a vacuum was very nice and personable. So my husband and I talked about it and we thought that I could do it. At the time all I was going to do was put flyers out on people's front doors. No biggy. This same guy was going to be training me.

This was going to change my life and that of my family.in many ways. I never thougth that it would change my life that drastic and in so many ways.

My husband and I got to know this guy and his family. My husband never saw what was coming. We met his wife and his little boy and the newborn he had. He told us of his life and how he was an ex-policeman and had to take retirement because of some accident he had involving his back and he made money demonstrating this product. He was really good at what he was doing--too good....

The very first day that I was going to go out to do my first product demonstration began the push into the light--only it was very dark where I was to go first.

I dressed in a red dress. It had a regular neckline, no scoop neckline or ba high one and Long sleeves and it was down to my mid calf on my legs. It wasn't sexy to me but a nice work dress. He came to pick me up. We only had one vehicle at the time and with the money that I would earn I could get my own car again! I got into the car and everything was fine and we were off to go to the home to demonstrate how good my product was. He was going to put on the demonstration so that I could see how he did it and learn from him. Oh I Ilearned alot that day!

We pulled up on a dirt road behind the houses. He showed me where the house was that we would be going to and he told me that we were a bit early. So we sat for a few minutes. I don't remember how he got me to do what I was doing only that he had me by the back of my head. He had me go down on him and suck his penis. Right there in front of the highway beside us and the houses on the other side. When he finished with me I was choking back the tears as we pulled into the office parking lot. I don't know why I told the manager that everything was OK when he asked the question because it clearly was not.

After taking me home I called my hubby at work and told him that the day went well. I didn't think to tell him at the time because he was so happy that I got a job and that I was going to be bringing home some money.

Working in pairs was the way that they taught us in the beginning and it was for many times and not just the once. So nothing happened after that occurance and I just pushed it away. We were to go to a meeting down at the main office in another part of the state and it was a 2 hour drive. So after the girls were off to school he came and picked me up and we were on our way to the other office. We had to go on a major highway to get there.

While driving the car he pulled me to him and was trying to get me to go down on him again. I resisted and he took me by the back of my arm and told me that I will do as he says. There are cars and trucks passing by and I am so scared now that I almost wet myself. After he finished with me I hugged that door on my side of the car. Thoughts of how to open that door and fall out and dying entered my mind. I don't remember getting to that office or even going home that day. I do rememer telling my husband about it that time. He said that he was busy and couldn't talk and just passed it off or didn't want to listen to me. I didn't know what to do at this point in time. This guy tells me that he is an ex-policeman and my husband won't hear me. I just kept going. He did come over one time and my girls saw him flip me over the couch in the living room. My 9 year old told me that she thought he was s bad man and that I should stay away from him. I couldn't do that.

He brought another co-worker over to the house one day in an attempt for him and I to have sex. He set it all up but we didn't do anything. I think the other co-worker was a little bit afraid of this guy too because we let him think that we did something and we didn't

One day in the fall, sometime between Thansgiving and Christmas, he came to the house. I remember exactly what I was wearing. It was orange cordaroy hip hugger pants with a thick yellow turtleneck sweater. I was in the bedroom getting something and he came up the stairs. I told him that I would be right down. He didn't listen.

He came up behind me and told me softly to take my clothes off. I told him NO

He told me again a in a much louder forceful tone and I told him that he really didn't want this and I certainly didn't want it.

He turned me around and looked me straight in the eyes and his body language changed and he told me in a commanding voice to take my clothes off.

After experiencing him throw me over the counch that one day and feeling the force behind it, I didn't second guess my thoughts. I didn't want to end up being thrown out the window or over the bed or anything of the sort. So I took of my clothes. I was terrified.

This is the part that confused me for the longest time.  He was very gentle about laying me on the bed and getting on top of me. Rape is a violent crime, but he wasn't violent like I thought he would be considering his body language and voice.  More on this later.

The minute he entered into my body I was pulled from my body and was at the top of my window looking down on the situation occuring. Everything was like looking through yellow smoke or haze. There was someone there with me telling me that everything was going to be OK. There was so much love right there there is no way to discribe it by any earth means. I watched him rape me with no feelings. It was if I were watching a movie or training video.

I am not sure when I re-entered my body. I remember taking showers like every hour to clean myself. I took many, many showers every day for months. I couldn't get clean enough. I cried rivers of tears and I couldn't stop.

Note: Many Psychologists and Counselors will tell you that this is just a simple dis-associating and many religious people will tell you that this is one of Satan's tricks and other men will tell you that somehow you wanted it and it is because of the way that you dressd. I have even been told that it was because I decided to work outside the home in a man's society. Until one goes through something like this they can only speculate what happens. I searched the Bible back and forth and at every angle and I found nothing that could answer my questions. I asked clergy --and yes they are the ones that told me about working outside the home and they are the ones who told me that I asked for it.

I remember telling my husband that he raped me and he just told me that I made it up because it was too crazy to be true. Oh we had fights and I almost walked home from a restaraunt some 30 miles away.  About a week after the rape I called my perpetrator and told him that he raped me and he said that I was making a mountain or of a mole hill he and told me that I was being silly. Those weren't the exact words, but what I could remember.

I tried to find some counseling but all they told me was how to stay in public places in the light and not go anywhere after dark without a friend. That didn't help me at all so I quit going.

I told my parent's what had happened and all my mother said was that I had to push it under the rug because I had two kids to raise.  My father he wanted to kill the Bast***.

My children had to have known about the rape only I don't think they understood any of it.

We find out that we are moving to another state many miles away. I was happy with that because I thought that it would be a great new start and be able to put the rape behind me -------and us.

That wasn't to happen, because it followed me. When I was told that everthing was going to be OK, I wasn't told about the fall out. I wasn't told that my marriage would suffer for it and that it would affect everything in my life and how long it would take to get over it--at least to the point that I can talk about it without much feeling.

When we get to our new place, the tears still came and I couldn't shut them off. I did get into counseling then and some of my actions after the fact were made clearer to me now.

Some things that I experienced I am going to tell here because if I can help someone else understand what they may be going through then this is worth the effort that I put this out for.

After the raoe I became pre-occupied with sex. It was like I was wanting it all the time and never satisfied. When I went to counseling I asked her why I felt that way--she said that I had to find that out for myself. I said that I understand that I have to do my own healing, but she needed to tell me right out why I was doing this. She told me that was my mind's way of getting back at my perpetrator. Once I understod that, that behavior stopped.

I took many, many showers...cleansing my body for what he did and he took from me.

Crying was the loss of my innocence and trust for others--men especially. Those of us who have been raped or incest or any type of intimate crime never get back what was taken. Oh you can heal and all that, but it never really comes back--it is disgraced. It's like a bubble of trust that was around you was popped or tore. I was told what it was a long time ago but can't really convey it here because I have fogotten it.

For any of you who think this was a short time ago--no this happened to me 27 years ago.  It took me 10+ years to get over it emotionally.  It is not an overnight healing process.

So you are thinking what has forgiveness have to do with light and rape. It has alot to do with it all.

Throughout my rape I was in that yellow haze and I was comforted by my Angel/Savior/Jesus. He showed up in my darkest hour and he told me that everything was going to be OK.  Never once did he show me any of my sins or ask for forgiveness or who or what I believed in. He never once asked me if I believed in him, God or a Satan. Never once was I told that things that I did or didn't do would be used against me and that I would be judged for such thoughts or actions. I was only shown LOVE, something this world has no idea what it really is or even how it works.

I went through a spiritual journey. I didn't go to church anymore and I read that Bible all the time looking for answers. Then I just said out loud--tell me what this is.....

Well when we moved I learned about my gifts that I was given at birth which were suppressed by those who call themselves christians. As I read more and more of the Bible and experienced more for myself and not what I was told what I should be or the meaning that they had for those verses, I began to see with open eyes what the real meanings in those verses were and what they meant for me. Jesus is all loving and so is God. I began to see that what I went through was for a reason...some say it is karmic debt.......yes I understand that and undeerstand mine was cleared by that event.  Some say it is because the way that I dressed...nope AND DON'T ANYONE OF YOU LET THEM TELL YOU THAT.  Rape is about POWER and DOMINATION of another person and that is all it is. There is no love involved at all. In fact the person who is doing the raping may not even see you as a person or as someone they know--to them at that point in time is just an object--that is all.

It took me several years to learn forgiveness. It took years of learning to realize that if I hadn't been raped that I would have never experienced my purpose in life and that christianity is not what it says that it is. Now I know that I will get flack from them, but they do not follow the things that Jesus says is the most important.

Several years after my rape and divorce I found a man and to marry him I had to go through some initiation and convert to their religion. I thought that was fine and that my grandmother was catholic when she died and some of her family were still catholic so I would continue that religion in the famly. Later after I marrid my now husband I left that church and that kind of thinking. It was horrible and put you on a the biggest guilt trip ever and they tell you things that are just not what Jesus or God wants of hius people.  I know in my heart that Jesus is not there and he will never be there. Jesus is in your heart and that is where he stays.  He is in everyone's heart and not one single person is missed becasue he says so.

The Out of Body Experience opened my eyes and it wasn't Satan because there really isn't a Satan or devil. There are no guilt trips to go on---only love and learning.

Forgiveness isn't an outward thing. It is inward and so is Jesus. Forgiveness is learning about all the things in life and loving life because even the darkest times that you think you are going through are going to be the ones you remember the most and that you learn more about yourself and the life you have and that is all around you. Forgiveness is allowing yourself to grow and be Christ-Like.

I have a candle and it is lghting my way. It is the love that is all around us and it is the light of Jesus. I hope that I have lit someone else's candle and shown them a way out from the darkness.

 

Finally it has been revealed to me what that yellow haze was that was all around me while watching my rape happen.

Yellow is a color of deep healing.  It was there because there was a deep healing of karmic debt there.  Now with that haze and the telling of my story hopefully anyone else that is going through this will also get healing and closure as I have.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Starting-the-healing-process-for-sexual-abuse--survivors

Rape It Can Happen Without a Weapon

I Was Raped

http://hubpages.com/_35sahxpt0lubf/hub/A-Violent-Loss-of-Innocence