How many times have you experienced the heartache or excruciating ‘counting the seconds till my head explodes’ boredom of a bad relationship?

The kind of disastrous coupling that had you repeating the words ‘why?’ and ‘what happened?’ over and over again while curled up in the fetal position.

Your friends and family knew it was a bad match; they even dusted off the straightjacket thinking you had taken a trip to crazy town. And while pleading ‘temporary insanity’ might save you from judgment in a court of law it certainly won’t excuse your terrible dating habits in the real world. Nope, in the real world there are always consequences: painful, embarrassing, sometimes lifelong consequences.

So what can you do to limit your exposure to these bad relationships?

Research

When most people decide to purchase a product, especially a life-altering item such as a house, they begin by doing some research. They look at what they need versus their wish list of what they want. They take the time to view multiple listings and to determine what each would cost them in the long term, both financially and emotionally. There is an entire process that is followed to ensure the greatest satisfaction for everyone involved.

Now, when most people enter a relationship the only things that seem to factor into the decision are: sex, chemistry, sex, friendship, sex, convenience, sex, money and sex.

Do you see the difference?

While passion and enjoying a fulfilling sex life are key components to a healthy relationship, they really should be just a tiny part of the whole experience.

If you truly want to be sure of compatibility with a potential mate then you need to start being brutally honest with yourself.

What are your needs?

What are your desires?

What are acceptable costs to you?

You must be able to answer the question ‘who am I?’ in order to ensure success within your relationships.

The following exercise should be completed when you have uninterrupted time to yourself. Doing this before you commit to any long-term arrangements might just save you from waking nightmares that can rival the best-made horror movies.

On a piece of blank paper draw three columns with the headings:

What can I NOT live without?

What qualities do I WANT in a partner?

What will these qualities COST me?

The first question deals with your core needs. What must you have in your life in order to feel less like the ‘walking dead’ and more like a superstar?

There should be very few answers in this column. This is not the place to put ‘must have foot massages every day’ or ‘a bathtub full of money’.

Be realistic and honest.

If you are a musician you can’t live without music in your life. If you are a rabid sports fan then you have to be able to enjoy your games or life will become hell-on-earth miserable. If you have always dreamt of being a parent then add children to this list. If a successful career is your life’s ambition then write it down.

This column should contain the things you are most passionate about in the world.

Identifying your needs and writing them down in permanent marker will stop you from compromising them once you meet a potential mate.

A good relationship is one where your love interest encourages you to pursue these passions. While it is certainly enjoyable to meet someone who shares your die-hard interest in gardening techniques it is not a requirement for a harmonious life together. What is a requirement is your partners’ willingness to understand and give you the space and support you need to follow your heart. Enduring a nagging spouse who is against you spending time on the things that you NEED to be happy is no way to live.

Find and stay with the person that says these words: “I think you should go out with your friends to the game/concert/Star Trek convention as it will give me time to work on my belly dancing/web blog/Cantonese.” (You get the idea.)

The second question deals with your desires. What kind of a partner are you looking for?

Again, be brutally honest!

If you are primarily a superficial person then you will never be happy dating someone who doesn’t put all his or her efforts into looking good. If you want a woman with perfectly coiffed hair, French nails, an insanely tight ass and a supermodels wardrobe then don’t date a woman whose preference is for a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. If you want a man with a six-pack, three piece suit and sports car then don’t date ‘Average Joe’. Constantly nagging someone about their appearance is degrading and causes insecurity, emotional outbursts, anger and resentment. This isn’t fun for either person. There are a lot of people who consider ‘high maintenance’ dirty words and love their spouses regardless of how they look. So go after what you want to begin with, don’t try to change someone into your ideal. It isn’t fair!

Are you looking for an ambitious go-getter whose career brings public status and financial freedom?

Are you looking for a person with a profound spiritual outlook on life?

Do they have to be a pet lover and enjoy being slobbered on?

Do they need to be a porn star in bed?

Truly consider what your deepest desires are and then write them down.

This brings us to the third question. What will these qualities you wish for actually cost you during your life together? And is this an acceptable cost?

To look (everyday) like you stepped out of a designer fashion magazine is a difficult feat. Models have whole teams of stylists who create their glitz and glamour. To have a lover who emulates this lifestyle is an expensive proposition. It is also time consuming. There are hair appointments, nail appointments, gym workouts, clothing consultations etc, etc, etc.

Do you want your partner to spend an inordinate amount of time preening to maintain their looks or would you begin to resent the time and money it costs?

Do you want your spouse working 70-80 hour weeks on their career to provide you with the security and financial status you crave? Or will you feel, after a time, that they have forgotten about you?

Are you willing to raise your children within the religion your spouse is committed to?

Will you be happy living with 26 dogs, 3 cats, a pot-bellied pig, 2 hamsters and a parrot that sings show tunes because your husband enjoys the company of animals?

If you have that porn star wife can you afford viagara when you get older and will the whips still bring you pleasure in 20 years time?

Many people have a wish list of things they want out of a partner but very few look realistically at the long-term costs of these desires. When the fantasy collides at freight train speed with reality most people are left devastated and angry. Good relationships are ones where both people are happy with their day-to-day existence.

The End

Now that you’ve finished filling out your columns you can go over what you wrote and keep these things in mind when dating someone new. File the paper away so you can re-read it before you make any major commitments.

How do you avoid bad relationships?

Do your research before you purchase the product!