You wake up one morning and to your surprise your wife looks like Barbara Eden from the '60's TV show "I Dream of Jeannie" instead of looking like the woman you remember her as--a dead-ringer for Rosanne Barr on a bad day and off her diet.

"Didn't that happen to Schwarzenegger in 'Total Recall'?" you say to yourself.

You shrug it off and head downstairs.

In the kitchen you notice the dog is watching you just a little too closely. In fact he is actually taking notes of everything you do, using a pencil he is holding in his teeth.

You back out the kitchen making sure to keep the dog in view.

You turn on the TV and the announcer mentions YOU by name, saying you are on the government's 'Watch List' for suspicious persons who wear "unauthorized jockey shorts." What the...?

You get a telephone call and when you answer a voice tells you to "watch your back!...close all your blinds and turn your radio on to 'white noise'...they are on to you...if you need me (he says) walk around downtown with your pants on backwards...I'll find you."

You pinch yourself...hard...no...definitely not dreaming.

These are just a few of the standard ways to know that yes, it is time, it is time for YOU, in the interests of self-preservation if nothing else, to become a conspiracy theorist!

1. Get yourself a tin foil hat.

This is essential if you are to block the satellite signals the government is beaming through the stratosphere right at your head. It is by this means that they are able to plant ideas in your head, such as 'vote for Bush' or 'gas is not so expensive' or 'you love to pay your taxes and in fact the more the better!'.

Such ideas as these and many others are what are infiltrating your brain-skull each and every day and if you don't get a tin-foil hat you will continue to receive them by the bushel.

In addition, the tin-foil hat will also prevent 'them' from controlling your impulses. In this category are those strange desires you sometimes find yourself having, such as 'supersizing' your order whenever you go to McDonald's' in spite of your goal to eat less junk food and more vegetables in it's place.

Junk food has more tax on it than does broccoli or baby carrots and as everybody knows, McDonald's is part of The New World Order, which is why it is found in all parts of the world, except, so far, Tibet and Antarctica. (But they are working on it.)

There are many many theories out there and you have to start somewhere and start to learn about them. Eventually you need to know them all, as otherwise you won't be able to recognize when they are being 'alluded to' when you are reading between the lines. (Note: Reading Between the Lines is covered below.)

Start with one of the most obvious conspiratorial events ever perpetrated on the American and for that matter, the people of all nations. Did the astronauts really land on the moon, or were they bouncing around on wires suspended from the rafters of a sound-stage in L.A. with harsh black and white lighting and crackly microphone hookups? If you review the videos, and use your critical judgement, you can't but see through this rather poorly done TV hoax.

Now, you may be asking yourself, 'why would 'they' want to make everyone believe they went to the moon when in fact they were just filming a dirt-floor, with black back-drop and men in rubber suits and glass helmets?'

The answer, is pretty darn subtle, and while I do not have the time to expand on it here, I'll tell you this...it's subtle.

Enough said for now.

If you don't learn to read between the lines your goose is as good as cooked, and then some. Suffice it to say that nothing printed in any newspaper anywhere in the world, in any language, should be taken at face value.

If you read in The Wall Street Journal that "inflation is on the rise and we should expect to pay more for houses, cars and t-shirts with the words "I'm With Stupid" printed on them, then you can be sure that it is because the newspaper is really saying something else. What precisely else is it saying. I'll let you be the judge.

Just remember to take nothing at face value and take everything as what it doesn't mean and never will.

Tip: If you are having trouble deciphering the hidden messages in advertisements on TV try taping them and playing them backwards. I once did it with a Michael Jackson Coke commercial and discovered he was actually reciting my Social Security Number in Roman Numerals. Why, I have yet to figure out, but I'm sure there is an explanation.

This is probably the most daunting of the tasks you will need to undertake to become a truely versatile and expert conspiracy theorist, but it is, believe me well worth it.

Take for example this phrase: sldjri sfdk. 34sfudslfulu!

First, can you say it slowly and clearly such that another c.t. (conspiracy theorist) can understand you?

Practise, practise practise. You'll get the hang of pronouncing the un-pronounceable consonants and letters with a nice, lilting, sing-song quality before you know it.

Second, do you know what it means?

Well it depends on which encryption language you are using.

In crypto-euro this sentence means: "I have a large tomato at home with your name on it." But in crypto-Canadian it means: " Show me the money and the chicken and I'll do the rest."

So you see, knowing which encryption you are speaking is key.

Tip: Never write even the smallest thing, like a post-it note to remember to buy milk at the corner store, unless it is encrypted. If the note should fall into the wrong hands...? Best not to think of the consequences, but you may find your milk has something added to induce psychotic episodes. It's been done before.

(In fact, I still see those evil elephants wearing ballet slippers when I just think of the word 'milk'.)

This has been said before but it bares repeating.

If your mother calls you from Oregon to ask if you are coming home for Thanksgiving, make certain it is her. It may be a clever impressionist being told to find your holiday travel plans so they can sneak into your house while you are away and photograph your secret papers with one of those little cameras that look like a cigarette lighter.

Don't even trust yourself. How do you know what secrets you are blabbing in your sleep? Best to sleep with sock stuffed in your mouth to prevent accidental revelations to your partner. After all, how long have you known them and what are they doing sleeping with a conspiracy theorist if not to extract his or her secrets?

Think about it.

Wear mirrored sunglasses at all times. People will see themselves in the mirrors but never know what you are really looking at. Invaluable.

Change your name.

If you're name is say 'Harold Bentley' change it something entirely different like 'Luigi Carbonucci'. This will confuse your enemies.

Watch out for The Illuminati. They are reptilians in human skin.

The Queen of England is one, which explains why she waves so funny.

This article will self-destruct in five...four...three...two....