We have all heard of The Horse Whisperer and whisper-folk for other animals like dogs and cats, and heaven only knows what else.

But if you really want to have some fun and profit at the same time, why not learn to be a 'ghost whisperer'?

Why, you ask, would I want to do such a thing?

Well here are a few great uses for this handy skill:

--to rid a castle or home of ghosts

--to convince the ghost to appear on schedule; for example at the peak hours for castle tours

--to have the ghost materialize sufficiently so that you can snap a decent photo of him-- not something your friends will claim is just a 'lens flair'.

--to have a nice chat with a spirit of the netherworld.

Many ghosts are hundreds, if not thousands of years old and have a veritable wealth of knowledge and insight. Some ghosts are glad to give stock tips and winnng lotto numbers and I know of a few who will also tell you where the best local fishing spots are and how to save money shopping for groceries.

The possibilities are endless!

1. Approach the spectre with your hands open, palms facing out. This way the ghost knows you have no weapons with which to cause him bodily harm.

2. Smile. Let him know you are friendly. Compliment him on his clothing, or choice of hairstyle. Anything to say 'let's be friends' is what you are going for.

3. Once the ghost is showing signs of trust, walk a few paces toward him while whistling a happy tune. It's a Small World After All for example or that old 70s tune Can't We Just be Friends? by Todd Rundgren, or other songs that are likely to induce friendly feelings.

4. If he shows signs of relaxing you are doing great.

1. Start by chatting about the weather. Or baseball. Or the economy. Stick to safe topics at first. They are less likely to piss him off. Not a good thing to do with a spirit of another dimension.

2. Ask the phantom spirit if he has any relatives in the area. Ask him about his family, pets or hobbies. Most ghosts have a number of subjects about which they are more than happy to talk about and most are very lonely and welcome the chance to show you their 700 year old stamp collection or pictures of their Hawaiian vacation. Just play along at this stage. Show interest.

3. Offer some personal revelations about yourself. Tell the ghost about your health concerns. Tell him about the rash you have or the boil on your back-end. Ghosts are remarkably empathetic and often will offer suggestions that you will find helpful. Remember though, to check with your doctor before following any ghostly advice of a medical nature. Inhabitants of alternate dimensions are sometimes mischievous.

1. Ask the ghost to approach even closer so that you can whisper something to him. Tell him it is very interesting and highly cofidential. I have never known a spirit to ignore such a tempting proposal.

2. If all goes well you are now ready to whisper in his ear. You have won him over.

3. As a test ask him to do something he wouldn't normally do in real life, like sing 'Mammy' or tap dance or do an impression of George Bush eating Cherrios. Anything that will cement his unfailing obedience to your every command.

You are now a certified Ghost Whisperer and can hire yourself out to commune with the spirits of the 'other world' and charge a small but reasonable fee in the process.

Things to Remember:

--Always wear sensible shoes. Rubber soles are best when communicating with the spirits, as phantoms often have extraneous electrical charges clinging to them which can do serious damage to the ghost whisperer if he is not 'grounded'.

--take small snack items like candy bars or peanuts. Many ghosts are fond of these and will respond better with bribery.

--Never use a flash when taking photos. This can blind them and result in hefty lawsuits for ocular damage to denizens of the other world.