How To Complain. When You’re Dead And Disagree
68Complaining
Now this is a tough one. Complaining is all very well but one should know how to do it correctly. There is etiquette for one thing. And for another an awful lot of queuing. So I think you should read my really useless guide on How To Complain. When you find yourself dead – right when you were least expecting it.
And yes. I’m being totally serious.
Think Out Your Reason
First you need to think of a Really Great Excuse as to why you should be Resurrected. As far as I’m aware, resurrecting is a damnable business, involving a lot of chanting, hooded cloaks and consternation. Raising the dead is like raising a smile from an undertaker. Near impossible. The only time I’m aware that it happened relatively easily was when Jesus revisited. And let’s face it; there was an awful lot of nepotism involved …
Excuse wise, I’d try and avoid coming out with something like ‘because I was reading a really good book’. Or ‘well, you know … I had this notion to start attending my local church’. Trust me, no one likes a liar. Even when they’re dead ones. Better you think laterally. Outside the box. Try something like ‘well I’ve still got stuff to do’ (ambiguous is good) or ‘I don’t know, death doesn’t suit me quite as much as life’. It may be a little flimsy – but at least it’s honest.
Patience Is A Virtue
Once you’ve nailed your excuse, you need to plan how to while away your time in the queue. It’s a helluva wait because a lot of (dead) folks seem to dislike the fact that they’re deceased. Most aren’t in the queue because they’re dead either. Generally the queue is backed up with (dead) folks that have lost their way or buggered about a bit too much with some fortune-telling tart. Honestly – the things (dead) folks get up to in the afterlife.
It’s probably a good idea not to start fiddling around too much. (Dead) folks don’t like rambunctious fiddlers. It causes the jitters. Makes other (dead) folks nervous. They start wanting to check that their bags are zipped tight or that their wallets aren’t hanging out – regardless of the fact that handbags and wallets are no longer tangible. It’s the habit that counts.
Avoid Spam
Try and remain clam and collected. There’s nothing worse than being halfway down the queue and you’re already being thought of as a Restless Spirit. The Official Receivers Of The Recently Deceased Grievance Department are a miserable bunch at best (mostly made up of dead accountants) and are wont to write off your claim as S.P.A.M. – Suspected Poltergeist Activist Member. So take heed. Perfect your really Great Excuse. Consider the possibility of being denied access to the Land of the Living. Hell you can even make conversation with your queue neighbours. The art of conversation doesn’t have to be dead just because you’re deceased.
When you finally find you’re at the front of the queue, whatever you do, don’t start off by saying something like ‘Hi. How are you?’. Because the entity you will be talking to won’t be feeling too great. He/she is dead. Just like you. And there’s nothing worse than reminding him/her that they’re no longer able to truly quantify how they actually are. Something to do with being disembodied. It’s like asking ‘why are spoons?’. It’s just a very very dumb thing to ask.
Filling In A Form
Instead, open up with ‘I’m deceased and disagree. I’d like to lodge a formal complaint. And would be pleased if you could provide me with the correct complaints form. Thankyou’. All very formal, polite and concise. Just how any dead accountant would like you to be. Hopefully they’ll simply hand you the correct form, which you receive with grace. Then you find a quiet spot and fill it in. And the form is pretty simple. It looks like this:
Name:……………………………………………………………………..
Date Of Death:……………………………………………………………
Cause Of Death:………………………………………………………….
(if unknown leave blank)
You Died When (underline applicable): You least expected it/ You weren’t
looking/You lost at Go Fish/ Other (please explain)…………………………...
……………………………………………………………………………………….
……………………………………………………………………………………….
……………………………………………………………………………………….
You Wish To Lodge A Grievance Because (underline applicable): You
weren’t ready/ You Didn’t Expect it/The Grim Reaper cheated/ Other
(please explain)………….............................................................................
……………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………………………..
Signed:…………………………………………………………………….
Thankyou for taking the time to fill out this form. We will get back to you
Once we’ve considered your claim. Should you prove to be unsuccessful,
please don’t rejoin the queue. Just accept it and move along to the Next
Life.
If you're successful, congratulations. Though don't hold your breath. LOL!
Completed Complaint
And that’s it. Once you’ve completed it, post it into the allotted ‘complaints box’ and go about your (dead) business. There’s not a lot else you can do until you’re duly processed. I’d spend the time wisely. Try and learn the ropes and beware of joining any suspicious looking clubs. I’d certainly advise you to avoid S.P.A.M. because even though you’re chances of being resurrected are slim to none – there’s still a chance.
And you will be royally buggered … not to mention hacked off … if you’re found to be associated with S.P.A.M. No one likes a spammer (moniker for the activists) in the afterlife. They’re always flagged/reported/shunned. Even the general (dead) public show nothing but derision towards a known spammer.
So keep your wits about you. And jolly good luck. And if you’re unsuccessful – do go into the light. You might just find that you like it …
Complaints Poll
Well Frog that was:
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even when you're dead you can't get away from filling out forms....
giant - lol it's always good to be misinformed in my opinion. Not so sure I'd call it valuable though. More inexpensive :)
Janetta - hey lol and hows yourself? And no, guess not. Forms, in all their forms, are simply formed for us as a means of informing others about our personal information ...
Did you learn this when a car squashed you. Or were you gigged by accident? How come froggy's are so smart? I will claim that the Grim Reaper Cheated, I know it will be useless though, but one never knows. Perchance some frog will croak, er chant over me and resurrect me..
My personal thoughts are, if the grim reaper can't catch me..... well...then he can't catch me. Try offering him some Vodka, and when he takes the glass, disappear. That is my advice.
ralwus - lol I just ... know stuff :) I'd go with with flow to be honest. I'd just shrug my shoulders and think 'ah well, there must be some vodka here somewhere. or something smilar' ... complaining involves far too much waiting around ;)
paper - can't fault your logic. Don't offer him ye best stuff though ... that's my advice lol ;)
Hmmm...what a lot of work this sounds like. Far better to accept eternal sleep!!
Sound a bit like the 'social securitiy' office to me, nothing changes does it?!!!
Feline - yep. I'm with you. I'd rather do something else with my time. Don't know about the eternal sleep but maybe there's alternatives ;)
Hawkes - Nothing changes and yet nothing stays the same. Weird. Or maybe that's just me?
Not meaning I'm weird ... meaning my opinion :)
Yer Weird ; )
She's also green. Weird and green, nice combo.
Yeah, am getting a nice visual ; )
I likes Green !
and what abouts red.
The guy on 'The Crow' had a way of complaining that wasn't missed!
Loved " The Crow ", deff a Classic !
BC - I know, I know. But I was sat thinking last night ... what if there is an afterlife, and you disagree with why you're there. One thing led to another. Or rather thought. And I try not to think like I do. But it's hard ... I'm always laughing at weird weird crap ...
ralwus - weird and green. lol I rather like that!
soni - reds? Like ... red frogs? I can't see that working. It would be like imagine a blue dog. Or a pink carrot ...
Ivor - yes he did. And The Crow is one of my top fave films. Watched it that many times I know the script backwards. Sad but true ...
BC - lol I'm smiling here. I'd just typed out that I love The Crow and hit enter and immediately saw your answer! Great minds!!!
I thought the world was becoming paperless. Does this not apply to the after world?
ethel - no ... this is about what happens after you know ... you kick the bucket. It's a user friendly guide to what to do if you disagree with the fact that you find yourself deceased. I think many will disagree therefore it could be really useless information. Make sure you remember what to do ...
This is great gives me something to think about while I'm at work this afternoon. :)
froggy, my sweet, I am good :) miss your green face sweet pea. I am still awaiting my mail...as patiently as I can. Which is not patient at all...Will let you know though as soon as it arrives. Hopefully tomorrow ;)
How's yer green self froggy? :D.
Question : Would ya like to be resurrected as a frog when you demise? A green one? ... REALLY?
Comment/d : What a funny li'l hub ... I really can't wait to read more of yours. Your mind really is a brilliant thing froggy! *HUGNESS*
Thanks for the important and timely information - ya can't be too careful...
I have to say the information is much better than what was discussed in Beetleguese - at least now we stand a fighting chance of returning to the living.
Bummer. The bureacracy "up there" sounds just as bad as the bureaucracy down here. Just a whole lot funnier! Thanks. I needed this levity this morning. You are a hoot. Or would that be a croak, given you are a frog? LOL. MM
raggits - hopefully not dark and gloomy thoughts about death and/or dying. I'd like to think that you were musing upon your excuse :)
Janetta - humph! Surely a week is enough??? Damn FedEx. What are they paid in? String?
Naz - I'm fine, and thankyou for asking :) Answer: no ta. One ribbit along lifes' highways and byways is enough for me thankyou. If I could be another ... animal, I'd be either a Bengal cat or a nice pretty giraffe :)
And thankyou - it's not such much brilliant as dark and strange lol!
Enelle - the problem with Beetlegeuse was the fact that he was a spammer. And a nasty one at that. He got what he deserved when his head shrunk, the silly ass. Trust me, in this life or the next, no one likes spammers ;)
MM - yup. A penpusher is a penpusher. No matter whether they're disembodied or not. Though ... I sometimes wonder whether living PP's are actually mixed up with the dead PP's ...
I have been there and I found that bribery works best. Not with money, of course, for what good is money to them? No. Ice works best. Of course if the queue is long that day, the ice will be melted by the time you get to the front of the line, so you need a back-up plan. I suggest the novelty ice cubes you can buy at the joke shop - the kind with a fly in them...maybe they wont notice that they're not real ice cubes until you're gone.
Good advice froggy, I mean he is going to be P.O'ed anyway.
i don't know but i'll give them a piece of my mind!
You know you just can't get this kind of useful information anywhere else, and a cheat-sheet so we can have it pre-filled out for and "in the event of.." it's ready to go.. do you think if I use a different avatar the Grim Reaper will be distracted or confused? I'm taking Christophe's advice and refilling my ice bucket.
@Janetta, don't give them too big of a piece, your head would be lop-sided and that would detract from your beautiful diamond earrings.
Christoph - not bad, not bad. Though I'd have to make sure I'd got me a few vodka cubes. For posterity and all that. And how was it for you and what excuse did you use? Did you offer up an honest answer or did you just use the cubes? Be interesting to know ...
Paper - yes I like to think of myself as misinformative. It's a talent.
Janetta - what don't you know? I'm the All Seeing Frog you know. I'll probably know the answer. Can't promise it'll match the question or even be the right one but hey ... help is always good right?
And which piece of mind are you giving them? From the top somewhere? I'd give em your pituatary gland. It's a troublesome little bugger.
Candie - that's the truth. Nowhere on earth can you find such a collect bunch of crap as what you can find here. I'm good me :)
We think a lot a like..go figure!
DL - I had gathered lol! Nice to see you. I rather like to think of you as 'several' as opposed to 'singular'!
Finally! I always wondered what to do when I met my great demise! I wonder if I could negotiate becoming a ghost instead! There are several people I would like to haunt for all eternity. Do you have a 'how to' guide for this?
this hub is totally awesome!
I'm just affraid when I fill out my forms,..with the luck I have,.. my pen will be out of ink !!! LOL. Great Hub as Always !!!
Seems like a lot of trouble to me. If you're standing in the queue, are you allowed to change your mind? And then if you've changed your mind, are you allowed to get back in line? And if you can get back in line do you lose your previous spot? Would stepping out of line cause S.P.A.M. suspicions?
Well, I voted it weird, but still I think your description of what's after is realistic. I was about to go to sleep, but when I saw this I thought what if the reaper treacherously takes me in my sleep without me heaving read it?
I think people deserve to have this information so they can go prepared. So thanks, frog. :)
I love to hear your silly choices on that form. Ya need to hub with just votiong polls on there. That'll be fun.
FD
Hmm now I'm thinking of a really cool place to be buried in for that cinematic resurrection...perhaps a cave? or somehwere deep in the blue. I say this because I know I can argue my way out of any um lifeless situation. :D
AIDY - of course I have unhelpful hints for what to do when you're dead. I'm the word of Frog ...
AIM - lol the ink never runs dry in THAT queue!
Frieda - queue jiggling causes instant SPAM stamping ... unfortunate but true. Spammers are everywhere. In this world and the next.
Haunty - if you are taking that way - without prior knowledge or consent (and no screaming) - then you can file your claim under 'sneaky'. That should lend a little weight to your claim. Or not. Depends on wthere you have stuff yet to do. And of course there's such a thing as 'mistaken removal'. Of life ;)
May - lol a future hub?! So many hubs, so little time - and way too much nonesense so naturally available ;)
Cris - Where your earthly remains end up is not an issue. It's the resurrection bit that is ...
Wow Froggy dead-set this is good!!!
Hi Froggy, resurrection sounds like a tricky old business. I never was good at queueing! I think I'll be waiting in the re-incarnation lobby instead. do you think they'll have forms to fill out too? Like, what would you like to be next? (human being/ gorilla/ bumble bee/ lucky dip)!?
Should be a good time alive to create and enjoy, to death when they could no regrets
very good hub congrat for 100
Really funny, Frogdroppin', just a damn hoot! Many thanks for the smiles.
This is great advice. The problem I see is having to deal with a bureaucracy. After 4 or 5 days you get pretty stinky.
blonde - lol 'dead' - he he he. Oh and it's all true you know. Apparently ...
Amamnda - you can't return as something other than what you are. Look - imagine trying to fit into the jeans you wore when you were 15 for eg. Rarley works. Same principle when it comes to shapes and species. People just don't fit into bees.
lovemy - yep. Can't agree more. Life's for living!
lagali - thankyou and thankyou :)
iain - you're most welcome. I'm a funny old thing huh? ;)
james - lol you don't have anything to get stinky with. You're dead. Disembodied. Formerly human. And stinky ...
It looks like nothing changes even when you're dead. The job is not finished until the paperwork is done.
mysix - no, nothing changes and everything stays the same. And I'm afraid the paperwork is never done ... there's always more where that came from.
Such is life. And death ...
You're fabulous!
Dr - thankyou very much :)
Awesome HUB
Info - thankyou :)
giantsteps says:
4 months ago
I've always wondered what to do if I were dead and disagreed. Now I know. That's so much for this valuable information. I hope I won't have to use it any time soon.