How To Deal With A Controlling Mother
77All They Want Is The Best For Us
Most good mothers tend to try and control you and your actions. This is not because they are power-hungry, it's because they have been there, done that and don't want you to make the same mistakes as they did.
My mother was exactly the same. When I finished High School she begged that I go to College but I rebelled and left home at the age of 16. I had a lot of things going on in my life at that point and I couldn't take the pressure. I do regret not listening to my mother because I am now years behind and all the friends I grew up with have almost graduated College and I know that if I had listened from the beginning, I would be right there with them. There is always time and room for a second chance and I will be fixing what I have broken. My mother insisted that I go to College because when she was that age, she dropped out after 3 months because the pressure at home was too much (her father died soon after and her mother was extremely abusive and violent). My mother has never been abusive or violent towards me or any of my siblings but it does look as though I have followed in her footsteps, mistake-wise.
I noticed my mother began to become a little more controlling as I neared the end of my compulsory education and as I crept closer and closer to turning the age of 16 (which in Australia is the legal age of consent and the age in which you can be legally independent). I guess this is because she feared what I would use that freedom for and was trying desperately to prevent me from doing so. On a guess, most mothers probably fear that. They most likely also fear their children growing up and moving out, especially with their first born child because it is a new experience and they don't really know what to expect. Fear can trigger frustration and anger.
Mothers (and Fathers for that matter) want what is best for their children and sometimes they have a very weird way of showing it. Once you move out and away you will begin to realise their original intent and start to understand exactly why they did what they did and why they went about it the way that they did. We may not even fully understand until we have kids of our own and live through what they have. But just remember, our parents brought us into the world, kept us safe, helped us grow and learn and after all those years of hard work and love, don't you think it would be at least a little bit hard for them to let go? They do, but I imagine it's not easy. Respect them through the good times and the bad and love them through the happy and the sad. We only have so much time to live and only one life to give all that we wish to give. Use it.
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Beautiful hub, thanks for sharing :)
Patty
I have some ex boyfriends that are total mamas boys and Ive noticed they have one thing in common besides that; a controlling mother. I feel sorry for boys like that but most of all the mommies need to take a step back and let the kid take over their own life. There is something very wrong when "mommy" comes to visit and cleans his home, does his laundry and rearranges his kitchen cabinets, especially when he's 35! (Probably a major reason they are X's) :)
I'm 25 yrs old and I grew up with a controlling , overprotective mother which whom i still live with. Although, i understand that raising children , especially as a single parent is difficult and alot of these types of mothers do believe they want or know whats best for their children. There are those , like my mother, who are narcissists and can be extremly emotionally abusive. I could remember my mother flying into fits of rages or becoming extremly agitated by things i might not have been aware of doing , like facial expressions , the tone of my voice and the way i walk. She wouldn't just critcize but mock me . I had to rehearse what i would say to her if trying to confront her about them because of the serious negative effect it was having on me and knowing that she'd only use what id say to flip it back around on me to make it seem as though i were attacking her or worse using intimidation to keep me in line.
I love my mother and i recognize how much she's sacraficed and loves me however in my late teens when i began understanding the differences between discipline and cruelty I began examining her state of mind and the damage it did to me.
My point is, it can be extremly difficult for children to know the differance from a caring, concerned, protective parent and one who maybe doing more harm then what's being called to question, and rarely does anyone ever step in and realize whats going on ... Emotional abuse and manipulation leaves internal scarring that's carried well into adulthood by then there's no reversing it..
I agree with vacantx...some parents use a lot of manipulation and cruelty (some is intentional, some is just due to cluelessness) and this needs to be looked at too. Telling others to value their parents and see it from their side is fine, its compassionate, but you must try to see the full picture, 360 degrees. Otherwise you are just shutting up children (Ritalin anyone?) who need to speak up and express themselves and feel like they have a valid point of view. I suppose its a fine line, you don't want to end up a whiny person who just complains all the time, but you don't want to be an idiot either who just waxes poetic over his love for his mother (when really they are full of anger).
I agree with everyones comments. There is NO SUCH THING as a perfect parent; how can there be when there is NO SUCH THING as a perfect person? I am definitely NOT saying that all parents are doing the right thing and are good parents - that would be a lie. Some parents out there never wanted to be parents but you gotta remember, they didn't have to have that child but they did. Whether it be for good or bad reasons, they still gave you life and that comes with the gift of choices. You can make your own, and in the end, that is really all that we do. Parents are there to guide, not live through you - although there is the odd parent out there that does try to live through their children - no advisable. LOL!
i need help my 20 year old brother the youngest of 7 is being totally overpowered and controlled my our moter. he is still not even allowed to date. and has only kissed one girl and that was his sophmore year of high school. he is now in collage... she controlls his every move makes him call her when he arives at school work etc. we have tried to talk with her and she replys with its none of our business.... i am afraid he is going to end up resinting her and there relationship will be lost like the rest of us the 6 of us HATE our mother... she bought our love and never showed and affection to us unless it was her expecting a hug and kiss ofter she had bought us something... see he currently is trying pursue a relationship with a girl from his school and he explained to this girl that he really is not allowed to date the girl got upset not at him but at the situation... i mean come on the kid is 20 for cryin out loud. my moter knows of this girl and says she is a slut because any girl that pursues the guy first is only ofter one thing but what does my poor brother have to give he is still a virgin.. we are trying to get him to move out but if he does she will take away his car she paid for it. and if he loses that he has noting to get around in. i guess i am asking for advise do i just let her controll him and run his life or do i keep fighting with her until she understands that what she is doing is SOOOOO wrong
Help My Broter: If she is really THAT bad, your BROTHER should stand up to her. You standing up for him is good but he needs to do it in order to get the real message across. Maybe he could move in with you for a while until he sorts something out? Back him up, but make him confront her.
LatesDud: YES she is that bad this past monday yesterday i called her to try to talk to her about the situation and she said the same thing that it is none of my business and hung up on me.... that night when my brother got home from school she took away hes cell phone his computer and said he is only allowed to use his truck to go to school and work.. he has tried to talk with her and reason with her. and she just wont listen most of the time he ends up crying and just goes to his room. you see my mom will Not listen to anyone she thinks her way is the only way. i wrote her a very long Email telling her exactly what i think of her and what she is doing. i don t know if she will read it or just delete knowing it was form me but either way i dont expect to be hearing from her for a long long while and that doesnt bother me one bit. like i said i hate my mothet but thanks for the advise.. wish my brother good luck
Yeah... I'm a 19 year old college student. And honestly, my live is nothing more like a life of a puppet... and my mom is the puppeteer! Well i'd really like to have a life of my own, thats all. She doesnt seem to respect any of my decisions nor does she respect me as a grownup or her own son as a whole. All she does is YELL, wanting me to do things her way. She would yell at me to do revision which I did so everyday even without her asking. My life has become such a routine that its almost bordering boredom. Yes my life is very boring i must say. Waking up at 7am (ps : I live in Malaysia) , she would start to yell and yell at me NONSTOP. Frankly i think she's got some strange mental disease, because she is so controlling. Yes, many would say that she is a dedicated mom, but please put yourself in my shoes... She is more than dedicated, she's more like obsessed, and this is too much for me to bear. Sje would sometimes yell insults at me, saying how much she regretted giving birth to me, and sometimes even calling me a bastard! After that it would leave me suicidal... How could one live with a mom like that??? I definitely CAN'T!! Please if theres someone who could help me out...
Im 21 and i still live with my mother. she is very controlling and trys to make me feel bad for making my own desicions and trying to figure out things on my own...she always says "u need to listen to me" "thats why u have gotten anywhere in life because you dont listen"...this makes me feel like a loser..ive moved out a couple of times but things didnt work out so i came back to live with her...not to mention that she shelters me and my other two bothers..when i was younger i was so scared of the outside world that i was terrified to go to the grocery store and buy milk or bread...she doesnt trust me and sometimes insults me calling me stupid and things like that...if things are not done her way then its wrong..how do i deal with this??? sometimes i block it out and tell myself that her opinion of me dosnt matter and im gonna show her someday that i can be independent make my own desicions. She says im not aggressive enough and says im soft (meaning not thuggish)..but this is how she raised me...i just get tired of her yelling and coming down on me..if i had a child i would only bring them and help them no matter what their shortcoming were
i have a controlling mom. when i joined the marines she wasnt to happy about it. and now that i am unemployed and can still go back in the army. she tries to talk me out of everything but it just pisses me off and i get up and leave i am 38 for christ sake and she still thinks i am 10. its to bad to beacuse since she is uber religious and controlling i just dont tell her anything thats going on in my life. she thinks i dont date but i would never take a girl to there house. i know she wont like the kind of girls i like so i just avoid the whole thing. if there not a born again christian then she doesnt think i should date them. oh well its her loss i have had some really nice girls that i just keep away from my mom. my 2 cents.
My mother is the same way she gets it from my grandmother. I am just like my mother's sister in a way when my aunt was my age. I'm 27 years old soon to be a wife to a very good man. From the get go my mother has always had control of what I wore,what I said around people,who my friends were,whom I could date,and etc. Well I got engaged last year and now here in the last few months well more like several months she has tried to stop my future hubby and I having our first dance at our wedding. She keeps saying things like "You know he isn't going to dance with you", or"You really think he is going to dance because I know he won't dance",or "He probably doesn't even know how to dance neither do you." Its the funniest thing because I loved to dance when I was little and I know how to dance. He does too a little. But,honestly she thinks she knows him when in all honestly she doesn't. Of course my dad and I are going to dance too you know the Father/daughter dance. She keeps going "Oh your daddy ain't going to dance with you." Or better yet she has used "You really think your daddy is going to dance with you I don't think he will." Then here a few weeks ago we was at my second fitting for my wedding dress the monster blurted out loud "I am really anxious to see this dance she keeps talking about." I have keep trying to tell her that its my wedding and his too not hers. My fiance and I have planned everything together without our parents. She has butted her way into our plans trying to tell us how to do it. I am like "Mom seriously who's wedding is this.?" She is all like "Yours but I am just trying to help." I have told her and told her "He and I are planning it not you and I. Key word Mom is he and I." I am grateful for people buying he and I stuff for our wedding. She has paid for my bridal veil and earrings which I am grateful for. Of course she tried to stop from us having a rehearsal dinner and my fiance's mom got a little upset since she was going to do it. I told his mom just do it to make my mother pissed off. The day before our wedding my mother didn't even want his mom or him there to help decorate. His mother has talked to my mom and my mother keeps refusing my future mother in law's help with the wedding. His daddy and mom offered to help her pay for any expenses but she refused it. She always had such a control on me every since my dad left. I stand up to her but she goes off to her room and pouts like a baby. Anytime I do when she isn't pouting "I am your mother why are you saying such things to me. YOu don't talk to your mother that away it says so in the bible you better get on your knees and pray for forgiveness." I feel like I am in a scene in the movie Carrie. I have a hope to own my own business along with my future husband but anytime I tell her about the dream she just shoots it down. She is like "You can't right now because you two aren't fiancially able right now.," or this one "You two wouldn't even know how to run one." Of course the fiance and I want to have kids sometime in a year and half. She keeps going to both of us "You need to wait until you've been married 2 years then have one.," or "You need to get her own birth control now," or "No body in their right mind has a baby after a year or so of marriage." Basically she doesn't want any more grandkids because anytime someone says oh you'll have some more grandkids soon she'll be like to them "Yeah I wouldn't mind having them but she has plently of time to have one." He and I have decided to wait a year and half to try and have one wither she likes it or not. She is going have to start understanding that he and I will do things our way not her way. I am not going to ruin my marriage just like she did hers. Another thing I am still washing her dirty dishes and etc for her when all she can do is sit on her fat ass and talk on the phone all night. Here I am trying to get things into boxes in my room and getting it over to my fiance and I's apartment. She doesn't care what I am doing in my room just as long as I get her things done. I have told her and told her many times she needs to start doing it herself instead of me. Once again I get "Why are you talking to me this way? I don't understand why you have to talk to me this away it says in the bible you need to respect me" I am just like "whatever" then I walk away because I so can't deal with this anymore. The bad thing is as soon as I get in through the door I have to automatically drop my things and go do something for her well so she thinks. My fiance has witness a lot of things she does to me and he is getting pissed off about it. Its like one night right after we first started dating I came in through the door and she was like oh "Liv go down to the car and get that cooler out please." He was like "I'll go get it." Here I was already got off from work,pulled my shoes off,about to go to the bathroom and fix myself up again for date,but in her power she was trying to make me do something she could have done her self. She has embarrassed me out in public and here recently at my bridal shower in front of his family. She needs to cut the string,learn how to let me go,or if she doesn't she is going to lose me forever. Honestly I am in the same boat as a lot of you and Idk what to do at all.
I am 35 and just last week realized how controlling of a mother I have. It had been very hard on me to stand my ground and set boundaries with her, I talk with her a few times per day and haven't talked to her for two days because she appeared at my home saturday morning while my friend was there feeding my cats because I was at my boyfriends home who lives an hour away and she doesn't even know him but is choosing not to support this relationship So she was mad I wasn't there and wants to talk to me about something but says if I want to know to come to her home and talk she won't talk on the phone and I realize its control so I haven't gone there and haven't called I'm feeling sad and almost rejected as if her love is conditional. I know its not healthy to want to call her because that just let's her know she is still on control. I have not told her I have realized how controlling she is figured it out a week ago. I'm an only child too and also single mom of an 11 year old. Moms life totally revolves around us. Should I call and say if you want to talk we can talk on the phone or you can come over or do I just wait for her to call me. I'm really confused as I have been searching for ways to set boundaries with her.
Please give me your advice!
Some 1 please help i am 22 years old and im stil living with my parents. My mother wats 2 be my friend she wants me to go club with her and party with her, i use to do that when i was stil in school but than i met my boyfriend 3years ago and than i started spending more time with im. She gets mad when he comes to me and when he leaves after a visiting she would ignor me when i speak to her. She wants to wear what i wear and she wants to be friends with my friends. I was never alowd to sleep over at any of my friends houses. The sleepovers was always at my house. My 17 year old sister has been dating her boyfriend for 5 years and my mother dont say anything about that. My father told my im alowed to date after matric and i did that. Every weekend my boyfiend has to sleep at my house accourding to my mother girls dont sleep over at boys. But my younger sister sleeps out. I cant speak to my mother about how i feel when ever i try she tels me to move out if im not happy. Pleas help!!!!!
im 22, lived with my mom 6yrs afetr she gave birth to me and she then went abroad to work for living, and then when i was 16 she got married, and when i was 21 i moved with here. and being with her for the past year has been a lot of ups and down, lots of fights, she has been controlling to me and to her husband. i couldn't understand her, she is so grouchy, she manufactures problem, and making small things big that leads to misundestanding or urguement. before i fought back now i just calm down because im thinking theres no sense fighting with her she always thinks she always right. and sometimes she uses me to make her husband aggitated and be mad. me and my step dad thinks she has mental problem. she's crazy in her ways, she gets mad easily on small things. i have a boyfriend and she always ask me whats going on, sometimes it's irritating and annoying, coz even if someone just text me she would then ask who's that? and if i say its my bf she will ask what he says. i dont have much privacy that i need because she always comes in the way, even my room i locked it and then she would just unlocked the knob without even knocking... we always think she has mental problem, she so jealous, she don't appreciate much things thats her husband gave her she even think negative, and that they always urgue almost everyday she always starts it by asking a lot of negative and acusing questions. i would really wanna move out as soon as possible, she way too much sometimes. i dont know what to do with her grouchiness sometimes, i can adjust but too much i dont know about that.
my mom is the WORST. If we disagree about anything theres no talking about it. SHE JUMPS IN YOUR FACE YELLING like shes ready to fight us.She calls both me & my sis sluts, hoes. bitches, asswholes. If we catch an attitude with her & stop talking to her, she goes around to our family members spreading lies & if that doesnt work she fake cries that we treat her wrong. She searches my suff & doesnt even attempt to hide it (leaving ALL my drawers open with tousled clothes, missing things) She cusses us out about n.e. lil thing. She threatens to beat us. Im 18 & my sis is 19, She used to beat us with belts, fists, pulling our hair until the age of 12.She cuts off my cell foe no reason jus to do it. I think she has a mental disorder. If you saw her yelling & the crazed look on her face... u would swear she's bi-polar. She enjoys fighting with us, she looks to start arguments but when we stay quiet she get so angry she steps in front of us not letting us pass until she gets the answer shes looking for. She smiles when she does & start screaming at us. My dad wouldnt allow us to have frends, we couldnt bring any1 to our house including FAMILY. If we still did he would say right in front of them "u no i dont want any1 in the house!Get them outta here!(thats the clean version)" We were never allowed to leave the house but to only go to school. But even that he watched from the window as we walked to school. because i wasnt used to going out when i did it was a big deal. I couldnt handle it, i would get panick attacks & would have to stop w/e i was doing & breathe deep breath's. I was very anti-social in school, i only talked to 1 girl & when she was absent i was alone. Teachers always complained how I was too quiet.i also have a problem talking to new ppl to this day w/o stumbling over my words. I admit High School helped a lot, i stated enjoying being around ppl & had a clique of friends. Two boyfriends(which was ONLY in school to prevent HER from knowing)So yea they basically ruined my life. I still get panic attacks & i looked up my symptoms on line & it matches a disorder called Anti-Social Anxiety Disorder. Theres medication for it & i would tell them but iknow they wont believe me & they will use it against me later on.
So yeah tnx MOM & dad!
p.s. shes evil & when i have kids they will never know of her. I wanna live a peaceful life & with her in it theyll never be a calm day. Besides I refuse to forgive. If she died 2morrow i wouldnt flinch. Id jus be worried about the house bills. When i move out I'll let my younger siblings know of my address if they need to get away from her. & no she doesnt do n.e. of that stuff to them. if n.e.thing they treat them the exact opposite. they cuss & yell, have friends, argue with her & she GIVES IN. But there still cool they dont treat us wrong at all. the always wanna hang out with us & agrees that our mother treats us wrong.
ebookshack says:
2 years ago
You are very right. I have an 18 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. Although I try not to control their lives as my mother tried to control mine, my children always hear my point of view. My dad always used to just say "because I said so" and that was not a good answer for me so I would always rebel.
I tell my kids the pros, cons, possible scenerios and then tell them that I trust them to do what is right and follow their own minds now that they are armed with some facts and possibilities. Most times, my children have chosen the right path. Sometimes they have not. I am always there regardless. They know that.
Some mothers do try to live their lives through their kids if they are unhappy with their own. Others are just controlling for the sake of always being right. But most mothers do want the best for their kids. Some just do not know how to communicate effectively.
Even if you do not get along with your mother now. As I did not from the age of 16-24. You will cherish your mother when you get older. You seem to have turned out alright as well. You have a positive outlook and understanding of how parents can be.
Good post for all of those who may need some encouragement.