How To Deal With A Friend Who Makes You Feel Inferior
78Have you ever had a friend that made you feel inferior? I have a friend who has always said things that made me feel inferior. However, because I have been friends with this person for a very long time, I have tried to accept certain things that she said and tried not to let these comments hurt me. For instance, she always made comments about my weight and told me I was obese when I was a 160 pounds and worked out every day. Later on I worked out even more and lost forty pounds, but she still would make comments about how my body was not as toned and shaped as hers. She had the figure of a supermodel and she was able to fit into all of those cute and trendy clothes at the mall, so I always felt a little self conscious when we went clothes shopping together. Has anyone ever had a friend that made comments that caused them feel inferior? How do you deal with such a friend when her constant remarks become hurtful? Is there a point when you should end the friendship if it is becoming hurtful and bridging on toxic? This hub will discuss some of the strategies people can use when dealing with a friends hurtful comments.
Her Mean Comments Are Not Personal
Some people are more blunt and often make comments that can be construed as hurtful by others. Growing up I had a very nurturing mother who was always careful not to say things that would upset me as she knew I was a slightly sensitive child.
However, some people who have parents that feel they must make tough comments to help their kids rise to each challenge. I am glad that my mom was not this kind of parent, but a child with a more blunt and direct personality may enjoy this type of parenting. It is always interesting to realize a person's home environment and personality type both go into shaping their personality.
In some friendships it can be difficult if one person is sensitive and more tactful when the other person is more direct. It all has to do with personality and the way people interact with one another. If one person is more sensitive then she needs to let her girlfriend know certain comments hurt her.
For instance, let us say two friends are trying on swimsuits and one makes a comment about how the red one with white polka dots makes her look chubby. Some honesty in all friendships is good, such as one friend is trying to help the other friend pick out a swimming suit that is flattering for her body type.
This friend is not being mean on purpose, and she probably just feels she has to make comments about people's body shapes and attire because she learned that behavior from her mother, or other relatives. My friend for instance later complained that her mom could make harsh comments about people's attire and body shapes, which helped me to not be hurt by some of her more critical comments about my body type.
So we should learn how to deal with these hurtful situations in a tactful and productive way. For instance, you can say "Thanks for trying to help me pick out a suit, maybe we can both look for ones that look good on me?" This comment shifts the attention away from feeling upset and focuses the attention on finding an appropriate bathing-suit, which helps to reduce the drama in the friendship.
However, if you friend continues to make hurtful comments when you are trying on clothes and says nothing looks good on you, then you need to make some ground rules about future social outings. For example you can tell your friend "I enjoy many things that our friendship has to offer, but I feel uncomfortable clothes shopping with you because_______," and you fill in the blank.
After this you will continue to be positive and constructive by simply making it known that some activities are better to do on your own. This same scenario can be applied to any situatioin where your friend is making hurtful comment and you are not able to deal with it. For example, maybe you go on skiing trips and she makes fun of your ability, so it is better just to establish some ground rules, and let her know there are certain activities you will not be attending.
When Her Comments Cross The Line
If her comments continue to cross the line then you need to consider whether it is healthy to continue the friendship. With my one friend she continued to make hurtful comments in almost every situation, which made it hard to want to be around her. I am not perfect myself and I know I said and did things that irritated her, but all friends must ask themselves when does the friendship stop being mutually supportive and become toxic?
With your family you have to put up with certain differences because you are related, but your friends should be a refuge where you can just be yourself. Hurtful comments do not make your friends bad people, but this might be an indication that the friendship has hit a roadblock that cannot be surpassed. Sensitive people like myself do not tease and joke around with each other a lot, but we can be funny and witty in different ways that some people may not understand.
If you are friends with someone who likes to joke around a lot and their teasing is beginning to hurt, begin to ask yourself whether this is the type of friendship that helps to bring out the best in you. I once had a friend who always told mean spirited jokes, and after awhile I just did not find these funny. When I stood up to her jokes she said I was sensitive and did not know how to laugh, but I told her jokes bordering on personal swipes are no laughing matter.
So when your friend likes to joke and make blunt comments then she might feel more comfortable spending time with people that give her the freedom to do that. Do not get into dramatic confrontations, but let your friends know that you need time off to do things for yourself for awhile. Take some time to do things you might not be able to to do with that friend, or spend time with other friends that make you feel more comfortable with.
You do not have to end the friendship, but sometimes it is better to bow out if it is becoming hurtful and mutually disrespectful. Just try to remember that many things people say and do are not personal, but that we each react differently to different events and scenarios. For instance, I had a friend who got very upset when people used pornographic language around, but her friends did not care and sometimes used that banter among themselves. We each have a different threshold and we have to learn what make us feel comfortable and the happiest. She learned eventually that whereas that group may be having a merry old time, she was happier to go on social outings by herself, and reconnect with some old long lost friends from school.
Trya Reminds People To Be Happy With Themselves
Friendship Does Not Equal Happiness
To be trully happy you must be secure with yourself and not always thinking about friends opinions. It does take time, but you can work on self confidence so your friends' comments do not hurt anymore. Make sure you take time out for yourself to read self-esteem building books or to just work on a hobby.
Friendships are great and wonderful, but they are not the end all and be all to our happiness. Even with the best of friendships we have to be happy with ourselves first and then think about friendships second. This was an especially hard lesson for me to learn because I always felt like I needed someone's approval to be happy, but I finally learned I only need my own approval.
If I am making good decisions that will make my life productive and happy then I am doing the best I can for myself. Many people will come and go out of your life, so you must love yourself first and learn to be happy spending solitary time working hobbies and goals. Friendships can add to our lives and we should see them as wonderful people who bring additional happiness, but who are not responsible for our happiness. Any friendship that makes us feel less is not worth our time or self-esteem. Pursue friendships that bring out the best in yourself and the best in your friends.
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Comments
Thanks for the comment Trish! You are right in finally realizing people should approve of themselves first and not worry about other opinions. For years I was hurt by people who did not approve of me, but I finally realized we cannot use our personal time worrying about it. I want to help other women who have had to same issues with friends, approval, and self-esteem. Hopefully this hub will help a little bit.
You're very welcome. Keep up the great work and keep writing.
Patty
I have a friend who, at times, is critical of me. I've known her since I was 15, and that's a long time. She has strong opinions, is a very strong woman, and well, I guess that's why I liked her when she befriended me as the new kid on the block in my second year of high school. I will love her forever for that.
So, I will also tolerate her criticism, to a point. These last years have been difficult because she and I are on very different paths, and we don't live close to each other, so we can't see each other day-to-day to just get on with life, as we did when we were kids. I have told her that it is very uncomfortable for me when she criticizes my weight, habits, and family members. She apologized. But now, we don't talk on the phone as often as we used to. We are both keeping our distance.
I love her very much, and always will, but the two of us need to find a path back to each other. I think it's up to me now, not her, to find that path, for too many reasons to go into here.
SweetiePie, in this hub, you bring out the importance of not giving up on a friend, but how do you do that when the friendship is painful? A friendship may reach a point where there's no return, and then you have to say goodbye. But sometimes a critical friend is worse off than we are. And then you try to find a way to keep the love and closeness. I think that's what your hub is about. It doesn't always work out that the friendship will survive, but it's worth the effort if there's a real love behind it and you and your friend can work out the garbage.
By the way, my father always called me "Sweetie Pie".
Best wishes to you.
HI Sweetie Pie--very thought provoking hub and comments. I think women tend to find their self esteem in relationships more than men.....so friendships with other women are very important to us. It can be a trap if we aren't good at drawing boundaries. I've let friends go over things like this and kept others with similar issues. If I can be authentically me with someone and the friendship is a two way street, then it's ok--live and let live, I say but you have to decide whether or not the game is worth the candle:-) Hey--another new pic--very nice!
Sally,,,,we need to have coffee :) This is something I didn't know,,,
love, Patty
We all know people like your friend. But life is too short to spend much time with people we don't enjoy being around.
Everyone had some very good points, so I will try to address all of these.
Hi Sally, you are right when you say sometimes a friendship reaches a point of no return and I actually wrote this hub because recently I am experiencing a friendship like this. A friend that I had had a falling out with two years ago started talking to me again recently and she said she did not feel bad about our disagreement any longer. So I tried to mend the fences with her, but it really is not going well because she is back to her same ways of making slightly condescending comments to me. I have decided I will not call her if this is the case and I am giving her room to get back in touch if and when she feels we can revive the friendship. I did not want to give up on her, but I decided I did have to let this friendship go away. With this in mind I wrote this hub because I know other people are going through similar things. Some friends I have been able to keep because even though we disagreements, but in the long run we were able to resolve our differences. I think one of the big issues in friendships with women is how critical they can be of each others bodies, so that was an issue I wanted to address here. I think we are all beautiful in our own way, and I guess I was just trying to help other women see this so they would not make their girlfriends feel bad with hurtful comments anymore.
Hi Robie, thanks for the picture comment, but on this hub I decided to use a DVD with pictures that are designed for building webpages, which I discovered I had for about a year. These DVD's are great tools and people are allowed to use these images on their webpages as long as they do represent the people in the pictures as endorsing a product or service. For example her I just lable they were friends, but if someone said they were mad because they were fighting over an IPOD (for an IPOD commercial) that would not be allowe. You are right we do need to draw boundaries and it is important to be ourselves in friendships.
Hi Ralph, yes you are right when you say that we should not spend time worrying about people who make rude comments, but sometimes this is harder for women. I wrote this hub as to help women feel better and to help them get over the toxic comments friends can make. I feel much better knowing that this hub might help a woman who is feeling insecure in her friendships.
Thanks for all the insightful comment everyone.
I found this hub very articulate, engaging and often poignant. You're absolutely correct about parents - what a responsibility they have! I think it's even more difficult these days than when, say, we were children.
I agree with you pjdscott, parents do need to take responsibility for the things they say to their children. Thanks for the comments!
This hub is really helpful. Sometimes, we need to set some grounds and be frank with our "friends" who have hurt us constantly...
Thank you for stopping by and commenting Charmaine_zp. You insight summarizes this hub beautifully.
Old friends should be treated like gold. Never lose them
I think you will find she is jealous, of you your beautiful personality, after all some one once told me that Beauty is skin deep. She knows she is lacking when she stands next to yoou.
Thanks for a great hub.
Thanks for the wonderful comments Mr. Marmalade.
Hi Sweetie Pie,
My best friend in high school was like this. Yes, she had a much nicer body than me and she thought she was always better some hoe. I'm sure that's why as an adult I haven't kept in contact with her - who needs it?
Thanks for sharing Karen. I wish women would think more about what they say to others, but I have come to the conclusion that this person I used to be friends with did say some of these mean things to me on purpose. My hope is now that other women will stand up for themselves if their so-called friends start to say mean things to them about their appearance.
My best friend in college did this to me. Then things got really bad. Trish - this is the Hub I've been hinting at. Jealousy is at the bottom of it, at times. Not that I'm all that and a bag of chips, but sometimes, your "friends" get jealous of things and take it out in awful, mean ways.
Thanks for sharing your comments Stephanie. Who is Trish? I am just curious.
One of the basic needs of humans is knowing where we fit in the world. We like to try to gauge our position and figure out where we rank relative to others. It is unfortunate but many people think that they raise their position by putting others down.
I have had "friends" like that until I got honest with myself about them. They are negative and rob you of your energy. If a person does not add to your energy and life, they are not a friend. They are using you for their own benefit. Friendship is a two way street. If it is going only one way, find another friend.
Thank you John for your insightful comments.
You should sneak into her house, find her favorite pants and a few shirts, go buy the same ones 2 sizes smaller and switch the tags....then wait 2 weeks and ask her if she is putting weight on
That would be funny! I always have funny scenarios in my mind like that, but honestly I have not seen her for along time so it has been easier for me. Thanks for making me giggle Funnebone :).
I have found that most people who find the need to knock others usually have a very deep seeded problem with their own self esteem. Interesting hub. I like to see people confronting issues that often get ignored for the sake of avoiding uncomfortable subject matter. Thanks for opening eyes.
True. They criticize other people and tell what I call "hero stories" about themselves.
If you don't mind, SweetiePie, I am going to address funnebone right here...that's good advice. It takes all the stress off. Even though you don't see her in your life right now, you can imagine what you would like to do, what you would like to say. So go for it in your head! And write a hub about it. :)
Thanks for all the comments everyone :).
Great article. Love it!
Love Light and laughter
Neil
Thanks for the nice comments Neil!
Yes, very well put. Sometimes friendships are worth saving and other times they are downright "toxic" like you say-and we don't need to be put down by someone who is supposed to be our "friend".Thanks for the reminder of having good boundaries in friendship.
Thank you for the insightful comments Dorsi :).
I know what you are talking about. Have faced this situation in my college days. Nonetheless, I would prefer such friends over those who are always good to you. My friend in college, who constantly used to show me down (I dont know if it was intentional) actually indirectly helped me improve so much about myself. Today, I am better placed than he is in every walk of life and I thank him for this. If there was one thing where he scored above me, I made it a point to be above him in something else that was far more meaningful and important.
I used to feel very offended when he made these passes but now, no regrets whatsoever !!
I do agree with you on that point that a friend who challenges us can help us grow in many areas. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your insights.
You've given some really good advice, especially when you say that friendship doesn't equal happiness. It is hard to let go of a friendship, even when you know it is unhealthy and not good for you. I have a friend who can be really critical too. She has a lot of self-loathing, and she puts others down to make her feel better about herself, but even though I know that, she still makes me feel bad about my life and the choices I've made. In turn, I become a negative person when I'm around her. I don't see her much anymore, but I think it's for the best.
I understand what you are saying because it has been very hard for me to let go of the friendship I described in this hub. Although I do not see her anymore, we still exchanged emails and I recently let her know she had hurt me, but she pretended none of these things had happened. When I thought back to the beginning of our friendship she has always been like this because she feel being right is more important that compromise or understanding. At this point I consider the friendship to be over since she cannot even admit that she is can be hurtful sometimes. Hopefully your friend will re-evaluate her actions in the future, but if that does not happen just remember you have many other friends who will not judge you.
I always believe that if your friends cannot make you believe better for yourself, you'll never grow with such 'friends'. In fact, they may enjoy your company for the dysfunctional reason of your 'faults' making them feel better about themselves.
Thanks for addressing this important topic with wisdom! :)
I appreciate you insights Junjie. Thanks for commenting.
I have a very close friend who I shared my apartment with and worked in the same company with the same position. Somehow, she always manage to make me feel like she is the angel and I am the devil. You know a person who's humble and yet proud? She's proud that shes humble and good.
I don't live with her anymore but just recently she went as far as making me carry her laptop for her. She is twice my size. And I hated that. We had good times and I still consider her as a friend, we share the same interest after all but I will never allow her to do that to me again.
Nice hub.
Sheenarobins,
I have met those type of people who are humble and proud, but part of me thinks their humility is just an act. They want attention so people will say oh she is so great because she does this and that. However, if she were truly humble she would not need to continually flaunt how wonderful she is in your face. Also you may want to consider if this type of friendship is good for you because it can border on toxic if she continually makes you feel bad. However, that is up to you, but our friends are supposed to build us up and not tear us down. Thanks for your heart felt comments.
I have the same problem, except it seems that the last couple of my friends are always making rude comments to me. I can't stand it, but don't defend myself either. I just lose them as friends. But it seems like I am writing friends off yearly. I am begining to think that it is my personality attracting thise comments. I don't know how to tactfully handle it. I don't want to say anything rude back to them. It is not a self esteem issue, I am getting the attitude that I just don't need friends. I have a very layed back personality, and can do without the drama...But it would be nice to have a couple to hang out with. But I am tired of putting up with the rudeness, and put downs.
Ocean502,
I still have a few good friends, but I think it helps that we are all very busy and have our own lives. The friends I had that used to put me down have now moved on to other things, and I am doing better without hearing their criticisms. I even tried to reconnect with one friend recently, but it was more of the same type of put downs from her. I told her I think she is too harsh towards me and she was offensive to this, but I just really am tired of the double standards. I think being laid back is best and only having friends who do not stress you out. Life is too short for the silly nonsense.
hmm, Is this person, someone we both know? Maybe their names starts with a J? If it is, I won't tell. Because that person ticks me off sometimes too.
Hi Cherish,
Well J has done that too and she also made comments similar, but this story was based on another girl I went to college with. These days I am glad to know you and Penny because both of you are great friends. I think I just learned over the years some of my friends were not the best you know.
gotcha, I hardly talk to J anymore. Her fault. The things she said used to say used to get to me. Not anymore. And would you believe she would bad-mouth me to my Sister-in-law? Oh well, some people are just stuck being tacky, and not tactful.
Wow I did not know she did all that. I am truly sorry because you are a very nice person and it is her loss. These days I never hear from her either. I tried to reconnect with my college friend, but she started making rude comments again so I just cut it off. She basically got mad when we were on the phone just because my sister asked what I was talking about. She made some comment about how my sister was not an adult to do that, which to be quite frank I find insulting. She used to have people talking to her in the background all the time when we were on the phone and I never called her on it. Oh well, I just do not have time for emotional dramas anymore and glad the few friends I have are true ones :).
Hi Sweetiepie, I found this hub and the comments and experiences shared here quite interesting. It made me ponder too on the friendships I've had through the years. I believe that we do need to be truthful to each other and yet being hurtful is another thing. I feel that too much negativity stunts one's growth and would rather move on and give space so each can grow more.
Ripplemaker,
Thanks for sharing your viewpoints. In friendships I have learned not to tell my friends when they disappointment or let me down because I only have control over my own actions, and they may be thinking or doing something to prompts them to act this way. However, in this particular friendship the lady constantly told me how most things I did were not up to her standards, but then she would say thing like oh you are the most sincere friend I have ever had. It got to the point I felt her negativity was only to make herself feel better, and most of her negative comments were about how I did not look as good as her, or as good as her other friends.
There was a time we did not talk for awhile, and then we started talking again a year ago. I had hoped the friendship could improve, but there were still these slight hints of her implying how I did not do things up to her standards. To me a friendship is about accepting people for who they are and not dictating who you think they should be. This particular friend even said she relished telling other people how to improve their lives in some major ways, but she had some major flaws that I would not air here.
A few times she talked about these, but then she said oh these are not things that we should talk about. I thought that was a little ironic because she had no qualms sharing what she believed to be my shortcomings, but when it came to her nothing was up for discussion. Towards the end of the friendship when I finally did muster up the courage to discuss how she had hurt my feelings and often she was harsh, she was very defensive and did not want to examine this. To me this friendship really was not a real friendship, and I think the only people who could be her friends are people that live up to certain standards that she has in place. One thing that I did mention to her is I knew she would never tell some of her other friends about their shortcomings, which she readily shared with me, but both her and I knew that I was the only friend that would put up with her comments.
I think in the end this friendship was not meant to be, and I did try, but she felt she was right and I had to leave it at that. It was too much work for us to be friends is the conclusion I arrived at, and friendship should not be that much intensive labor.
HI SweetiePie,
My case is similar. I have a close friend who underestimates me but I never feel inferior. He always boast his success. Do you have any idea thow to stop his boasting?
Bambang,
I think spending less time with a friend like that is probably the best solution.
I recently ended a relationship with a friend of ten years. We were roommates for the last four, but about two years ago, it turned very sour. She's always been blunt, and I'm blunt too, but I do know when its best to be gentle. Maybe I'm too gentle, but if that's what I am, it is what I am.
She turned 60, maybe its because her father died, I'm not sure. The negativity and the overall feeling of bitterness towards me, seemed to radiate. Suddenly, she couldn't tell me fast enough how my skin would go with my impending menopause; how my mind would dull, how men would tend to ditch me for younger women and to get used to it. Then there were the digs about how she grew up in Southern California and how as a midwesterner I was just not "sophisticated" to understand the ways of the world. Wherever we were, I was somehow "inappropriate". Silliness, she outweighed me by 150 lbs, thought her dead husbands ragged workshirt and a pair of capris defined "style". Perhaps, her own style, but it didn't define mine and she seemed angry that I refused to follow her lead.
Then there was the "why are you bothering with makeup? You're doomed to get old, embrace it..." Finally, she started to criticize my relationships and how I lived my life. This while she decided that she shouldn't have to pay her share of the bills, spending her moneys on movie DVD's, and whatever else that she wanted, then crying poor mouth when the cable bill was due. I just didn't need it, I asked her to move last summer. It was seriously starting to feel emotionally abusive and I refuse to deal with that for any reason. She took it like a scorned lover instead of a roommate. I gave her five months to move, and I tried to be as accomodating as possible. Still, the friendship is over. Its very hard right now, as I moved out here alone and most of my friends are linked to her and her family.
I enjoy living in Phoenix; I refuse to leave so, I'm starting over. I'm very easy going, I try very hard to accept people for who they are not necessarily who I want them to be. I do have boundaries, but its difficult for me to define them in the beginnings of a relationship of any kind. Its something that I'm working on.
I truly enjoyed your blog.
ElizaC,
I enjoyed reading your story also. It sounds as being friends is just too toxic, and you are better off without spending lots of time with her. When my friendship ended up a couple of people I was sort of sad at first, but then I realized I was never really close friends with them.
One friend chided me for being cheap just because I did not want to buy an expensive pair of jeans, and I remember giving into the peer pressure because of her comments. Shopping with her was never fun, and then years later when we started talking again I did not feel we had much in common.
I think you can make new friends in a big city like Phoenix, and since you are starting out there maybe it will be a good opportunity to explore some activities away from her. I know Hubpages has been a treasure for me because I have met some new people, although online, and it gives me an opportunity to write.
Nicely done, SP. I liked this.
A big lesson that I learned in my 30's is that there is a big difference between being "friends" and being "friendly." For a long time, I didn't know the difference. I think maybe you just helped me to come up with my next Hub topic!
i love this piece but i have one question 'what do you do when you are in a friendship that feels toxic and you and this person is talk about a relationship plus God is telling to pursue it?" i mean i love my Lord and i will pursue this friendship to the end but i need to know what do i do for the time being. because i have dont everything you said and nothing works, i asked for time and that was a problem he wanted me to discuss my feelings but the problem with that is when i talk to him i feel like i am getting no where and thats stresses me out more. old things remain unresloved in my head and new things just keep pilling up!!
I NEED SOME ADVICE!!!!
I've always had really good friends that made me happy and they always complimetned me. If I had a test that day and I forgot to study my friends would sympthize with me or if I was on a diet and I wanted a chacolate bar they would compliment me until I felt confident enough in myself to eat one. I felt confident and good about myself with them but I recently have gotton a friend that isn't as comforting.
She critizes everyone around us and that I could deal with but it was when she started hurting me that got to me. At first she would just talk about how I needed to work harder and how I was a bad student but then it got to jokes about my wieght(I'm not skinny but I'm not fat, I'm 115pounds). She was as skinny as a pole and pretty. I'm not saying I'm not pretty but she made me feel like I wasn't.
I started to not eat any treats, ever. I didn't have cake on my birthday or a candy bar in 2 years, I never ate out with my friends and I never ate snacks at the movie theators. You may say that it was good for me but it wasn't because while my friends were laughing and having fun I had to fight the urge to take that bag of popcorn, just once.
After a year and a half I only lost 6 pounds, it was not worth it, you could barly tell! and I was very unhappy with life, i used to love life. I finally let that friend go and stoped talking to her. My life is SOOO much better and my friends are making me happy.
No I can go out to the movie theator and get that small popcorn and throw it at each others mouths. I can blow out my candles and actually EAT my b-day cake. I LOVE my life.
Hi Catherine, I am glad things got better for you. Yes, I believe friends should never tear each other down that way!
trish1048 says:
2 years ago
Very well put!
'This was an especially hard lesson for me to learn because I always felt like I needed someone's approval to be happy'. This statement was so true during much of my life. It's taken me many years to learn I do NOT need everyone's approval on every aspect of my life. Of course, being human, I think we all want the people we care about to approve everything we do, every decision we make, but as you know, that isn't always the case. Having someone approve of you makes you feel good about yourself, but the reward, I have come to believe, comes in approving of yourself first. Those who love you and care about you will respect that, even if they don't agree.
Thanks for a great hub!
Patty