How To Gain Witch Powers
66So you're sitting at your computer chair, scouring google for spells and potions and whatchamacallits when you stumple upon this blog. Well congratulations! You are now reading the best "How to be a witch" blog on the internet.
First thing's first. You need a pointy hat. Preferably black. Without this hat, you will fail at all attempts at being a witch.
Second, you need a mole. A big mole too. Most witches have these moles on their noses, but some have them on their cheeks. If you don't have a mole, you cannot be a real witch.
Third, you need a cauldren. Where else are you going to put all the potion ingredients? Seriously? Get a damn cauldren.
Fourth, you definitely need a broom. Witches are notorious for riding said brooms across the night skies.
Fifth, you need to go goth. Start wearing all black. Stay out of the sun. These help with the whole witch ensemble.
Sixth, now that you are walking the walk, you need to talk the talk. Start learning how to replicate a witch laugh. It's very high pitched and scary. Train like you never trained before.
Seventh, read books on Wicca. If Buffy the Vampire has taught me anything, it's that Willow read a lot of books on Wiccan Magic and she became an all powerful witch. She did try to kill the world, so you might want to keep that in check also
Last but not least, you need to wake the fuck up. There is no such thing as witches. No matter what Stephanie Myer and Twilight might lead you to believe, witches, werewolves, vampires, and mummies are not real. You're an idiot and I award you no points.
Hope this was helpful.
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Comments
How about the witches of eastwick, oh you so dissapoint me..then again there does seem to be something that triggers
Sabrina was a teenage witch...she didn't develop the mole or the hat yet. That comes with time.
Someone seems a bit jealous of my broom riding prowess.
I just could not stop laughing at your answer, lol so wickedly sarcastic.
w8 so men can be warlocks not witches.
Hate to break it to you, bud, but witches ARE real. We're just not all frikkin' Hollywood-ized. I can't shoot lightning out my ass, I can't wriggle my nose and POOF!! make the house clean (dammit, that would have actually been UBER helpful to this mom of 3 kids).
I think it just disappoints the hell out of people when they learn that witches are just normal every-day people. I don't dress uber goth (love the style, but it's JUST NOT PRACTICAL when you've got 3 toddlers to chase after), I DO have a cauldron; it's a tiny little thing for my altar and it's good for burning incense and other fire-related things.
Granted, the aforementioned question was a little . . . oh, how do I put it? It made me wanna *headdesk*. But then the whole "Witches aren't real" thing . . . Hmmm, I defy you to try saying that in a whole room of them and they'd be looking at you like "Ass-Sphincter say what?"
But hey, kudos on the snarkiness. What would the world do without sarcasm? Hell, what would ***I*** do without sarcasm? If I weren't sarcastic, I think I'd be a mute.
Thank you River Dragonwolf for coming to the defense of a religion that is recognized the world over and even by our own government (finally).
Tim Falletti we realize that you only know what Hollywood and a few Horror Fiction writers have chosen to portray a mythologized and much malaigned religion.
People who do not know about a religion should at least try to study and maybe comprehend it before answering serious inquiries about it.
The question that was asked was, "How Do I Get Witch Powers?" Not "Can Someone Please Explain Wiccan Beliefs?"
If the question was asked by someone that wanted to know about the Wiccan faith, I would have laid off of that question and let you dames answer it. (Or I would have read about Wicca, and answered with an equally sarcastic/humorous answer). Fact is, Wiccans don't have witch powers that this person wanted, and someone thinking or asking that is pretty much an insult to the Wiccan faith. Therefore, I saved you time for answering sarcastically.
You should be thanking me. :-)
What gives man, where's the recommended reading material? Haven't you ever heard of the J.K. Rowling. She basically wrote a whole god damned series on how to be a friggin witch!
Otherwise great hub, except witches have warts, not moles, and must weigh less than the average duck...because they're made of wood...
You are a bane to the human existence. It is close minded individuals like yourself that give all humans a bad rep.
I am a witch I don't need a hat or a broom stick. I love the earth and protect it and preserve so that my children and their children can enjoy for many centuries to come.
i want you all to lay off tim. i have been wiccan for years and practiced witchcraft right along with it. actually read his answer for "its just me"s comment. he's right! the question that was asked was truly asked in the wrong way. even if he had said how do i become a witch, that would have been better than the desperate fanatic way this person asked. yes, tim was rude, disrespectful and very very insulting, but first, he is aloud his own opinion and two, the question was sort of rediculous.
bethzeimer- You need a magic spell to remove the sand from your vagina. I know it has to be incredibly uncomfortable for you, so I bet you would feel much better. Read what ms. jessica wrote. This hub was based off a silly question therefore it got a silly answer. (hence your silly comment gets a silly comment)
Really? Bane of human existence? If you're not careful, someone is going to pour water on your head.
I believe that any question asked in innocence and even despiration are worthy of being answered in the best way possible. I case none of you noticed I answered the original question, with questions, in order to discern the intent of the person who posted it.
Man get a life and stop direspecting. Witches are out there and they happen to practice magick. All that you put in this was a lie and a misconsception that you got from views of society and television.
I found this really humorous but I have to say that witches are real. I used to be one until I changed my mind about the whole religion thing, but that's a different story.
Patricia Costanzo says:
10 months ago
So Samantha wasn't real either? Damn.