How To Learn The Most From Your Personal Life Lessons

Most of us have heard the saying, "live and learn." I have a friend who, when observing that life's lessons seem to continue to elude some people, will say, "live and never learn."

Life's lessons tend to come in two forms: those we needed to learn and those nobody should learn. Both types will be described below, and thoughts for learning the most (and best) from both types will follow after the descriptions.

Lessons We Need to Learn

An example of a lesson everyone needs to learn is that if one doesn't study at school he will not get good grades or get into the best college. Other examples of that type of lesson are, perhaps, living life and believing that people who get into money trouble must have been careless; or that people who find themselves with a weight problem must have eaten too many desserts.

This category of lessons could be divided into two sub-categories: Lessons we need to learn because of our own immaturity and/or failings, and lessons we need to learn because we so often believe that other people's problems are always the result of their own weaknesses and failings. It can be easier to freely recognize and admit what we learn with the first type of lesson. Depending on our level of emotional security and maturity, however, the second type of "needed lesson" is sometimes harder to see and/or admit. We tend to have an "ego incentive" to be somewhat resistant to learning this second type of lesson, and that is one of the first things people need to address if they are to truly learn the most from this second type of lesson.

With lessons we need to learn, we have to recognize that once we learn them our lives (and we) will be better if we learn them.

Recognizing the easiest things to learn usually requires only considering our problems/failures in life, and asking whether they were caused by something we could have done better, and then considering the options now that it's too late to go back and have a "re-do". The student who fails a college course because he partied too much knows why he failed, and knows how to do better the next time. The person who gets himself into too much credit card debt through silly spending knows he created the problem, and needs to address what his next steps need to be. This type of lesson could almost be said to be lessons of immediate (or at least short-term) consequences; although some people take quite a while to eventually see that the consequences were the result of their own failings.

With the lessons relating to believing everyone else's problems are always their own "stupid fault". Not learning such lessons results in a person who is self-righteous, judgmental, lacking in compassion, and lacking in respect for fellow human beings; and eliminating the need for learning this type of lesson offer us far more than waiting until we eventually (if ever) learn.

Eliminating the need to learn such lessons requires asking ourselves a simple question: "Do I need/want to feel superior to, and removed from, other people; or do I want to trade self-righteousness and a sense of superiority for more knowledge about the world?" If our honest answer is that we choose feeling superior, we need to ask ourselves "why", and think more seriously about our own reasons.

Lessons Nobody Should Learn

These are the lessons we learn from the bad things in life for which we have no responsibility, and over which we have no control. This type of lesson includes things like "how it feels to have lost a parent", "how it feels to be homeless", or "how to deal with living with a serious medical condition". While the lessons we need to learn are lessons that will make us and/or our lives better when learned, and have aspects to them that are within our control (eventually, sometimes); this type of lesson is very different. Much of the time, our lives are not better, and instead, are far worse as a result of this type of lesson. Much of the time, we may come through such lessons wiser or more mature, but not necessarily "better" in terms of being happier or even more well adjusted people. These are "high-priced" lessons with things learned that most often don't seem at all worth the price.

Learning the Most from Any Lessons That Come Our Way

We need to realize that learning about life makes for a better life than going through life "living and never learning". We need to be open to learning, and be ready to ask what we've learned whenever something negative (big or small) happens. The failing grade at school, the extra five pounds that showed up when we thought we get away with a little extra eating, the middle-of-the-night/highway breakdown that occurs because we didn't get a tune-up on time - it's always better to ask ourselves if we've learned from such experiences, and decide to do better the next time.

With the lessons we don't realize we need to learn (those that involve our being wrong about other people in the world), aiming to eliminate the need for such lessons by asking the questions above is the first step. From there, any time we find ourselves feeling self-righteous, or superior to, others; the wisest thing is always to stop ourselves and realize that none of us can truly walk in another's shoes. We may not always know what lessons we need to eventually learn, but we can always assume that there are many yet to be learned; and refrain from drawing conclusions until they are.

Lessons nobody should learn can be the most challenging for us. In the midst of difficulties, and sometimes sorrow, we can find ourselves challenged by just trying to get our troubled minds from one moment to the next. We aren't looking for what we can learn from such awful experiences. Usually, what we do learn becomes evident only after the passing of time. Much of the time, what we are learning when awful things occur is simply how bad it feels to be going through what we are going through. One thing we can do, even in the midst of serious emotional upheaval, is recognize that the coping skills we develop can help us get through the immediate, as well as future, storms. Developing coping skills could be said to be "active learning", as opposed to "passive learning" - and that leads to some general points about approaching life's lessons in the most effective and useful way:

Regardless of the type of lesson, we need to be honest with ourselves, assess any part we had in our situation (if we are even partially responsible), and realize that even when things have gotten out of control, we still have some degree of control over what we do (and whether we learn something) from here.

It can take some strength and maturity to take responsibility for our part in a bad situation, but in the end we will feel surer and more responsible for doing so.

Equally important, however, is being sure enough our ourselves not to allow "the world" to make us think we are responsible for our situation when we are not partially or completely responsible for it. We need a realistic assessment of what has occurred and why. If we don't have that we won't learn the right lessons. This is a sorting out process, and some people are better than others at being able to step back and sort things out. People who have difficulty sorting things out can benefit with the help of an objective party (often a counselor).

Here's a simple example of how sorting out the problem is important: Let's say that I buy a cheesecake from a bakery, and it is contaminated with bacteria that make me sick. On the one hand, one could say that I'm responsible for being sick "because nobody should eating cheesecake at all in view of the fact that is not a fruit or vegetable". On the other hand, some would say I have a right to buy (and eat) an occasional cheesecake (which, by the way, I never really exercise in my own life). First, I would have to honestly sort out in my own mind whether or not it was right to buy a cheesecake at all (and not let the opinion of others factor in). Assuming I thought I had a right to buy the dessert, it would be clear to see that I was not at fault for my becoming sick. (Lesson learned: Don't ever buy another thing from that bakery.)

If, however, I bought a fine cheesecake but didn't use proper food handling practices; obviously, getting sick would be my own fault and nobody else's. (Lesson learned: Improve my knowledge of food handling practices, and implement it.)

The point is that I will "live and never learn" if I am not careful to first figure out who/what contributed to my problem. That can take being brutally honest with myself, and it can require taking some active steps in identifying all the causes of the problem. Not being willing to just jump to conclusions about what I've learned, however, may well make the difference being learning and never learning.

With any lesson, determining the ways in which we have control and exercising that control can make a big difference. Maybe we can't control a loved one's illness, but we can, to some degree, take control of the approach I will take to dealing with it. By seeing the the ways in which we do have some control, and by exercising that, we do learn one type of coping skill. Good coping skills are important in immediate situations, as well as future difficulties; and sometimes they come in handy even in the small difficulties of life.

Paying attention to what coping skills we appear to be developing can assist in helping us further develop those or others. Here again, being sure of ourselves can make the difference between believing that our coping skills are "acceptable" and useful or believing they are inappropriate. In dealing with the bigger and more difficult lessons of life, most of us know where we need to eventually get emotionally and mentally. How we get there is sometimes a very individual thing. We can't learn if try to get to where we need to be by using someone else's approach. So, when the lessons are big and particularly difficult, we very often need to be strong enough, and sure enough, to find our way. If we try to borrow other people's approaches, we will learn only how those approaches don't work for us. If we aim to take charge of how we approach accomplishing our aims; not only do we learn through the process, but we gain confidence in our ability to deal with things.

A simple example is dealing with the loss of a spouse. Some people, either because of their own nature or because "it's what the world has taught them", will choose to immediate get rid of every last thing in the house that was connected with the deceased spouse. Other people may choose to keep those items around for a while until they are more ready to part with them. The aim of both types of people is to do what is emotionally healthiest, what will result in making the loss more bearable, and what will allow them to move on. The trouble is that neither person can go about finding his own way if tries to do things someone else's way. Both will learn that doing things other people's way is generally a mistake, but learning what was a mistake is not as valuable as learning how to find our own way.

It always helpful to turn what we learn into something useful. There is often not much point in learning if we don't do anything with what we've learned. For those us who (and I think it's a good number of us) who have dyed our white undies gray by throwing them in the wash with a navy blue shirt, it is plain to see the use in such lessons for us. We can make them more useful by telling others what we learned.

Sometimes it isn't so much a matter of turning lessons useful, as it is finding the hidden usefulness. (Those of us who have dyed our white under things gray by washing them with a dark blue shirt usually also learn that there is the risk of dying them pink by washing them with a dark red shirt.) In a less silly example, those of us who learn that talking on a cell phone can cause a fender bender at low speeds can also learn that the same thing can cause a serious accident at higher speeds. A hidden lesson may be that eating a sandwich, rather than talking on the cell phone, poses a similar risk.

 It can be empowering to turn a learning experience into learning yet more. If we settle for whatever learning comes our way through life's experiences we can sometimes short-change ourselves in the depth of learning we gain. The woman who has a premature baby shouldn't just settle for learning "what it's like". She should learn about why it happens, whether there are reasons, what steps can be taken to prevent it in the future, how others have deal with similar situation, etc. etc. Someone who approaches life's lessons this way may never go through something similar, but learning yet more can help a person process his own "life lesson", as well as potentially enable him to turn it into something useful for others.

"Learning yet more" also helps us to have some sense of control over what we will learn. We don't need to settle for just learning what life "chooses" to teach us. We can decide what we will learn to supplement it, further educate ourselves, possibly make better use of our own experiences, and (again) at least experience some small degree of taking control. Even the smallest degrees of feeling just a little in control can offer us better grounding for further learning and moving on.

 It is important to see the value in things we learn, even if we wish we hadn't learned them. Equally important, perhaps, is not being afraid to use what we've learned. Sometimes it can help if we can step back from our "emotional selves" and coldly ask, "What did I get out of this rotten lesson?" and "Might I be able to get even more out of it?" or "Could I use this to help someone else get something out it?" Such things are not always obvious at first, but if we try to dig deeper and consider all the possible ways in which we can turn something difficult into something positive, we often learn yet more and begin to see the true value in what we have learned.

Besides learning the most that we, ourselves, can possibly learn from these experiences; many people see the value in sharing what they've learned in the hopes of preventing similar experiences for other people, or at least reaching out to those going through something similar. The world will have far less gray and pink underwear in the future if we continue to share what we've learned with others. On a more serious note, the world just may have far fewer unnecessary sadnesses or people who feel isolated.

In addition to seeing the value in what we've learned, we need to value what we see.  It's usually easy to appreciate the value of having learned not to throw in a dark blue shirt with our whites, but when we have lived through "life lessons" that have taught us nothing but what it feels like to live through such things, it can be difficult to value what we see in terms of what we may have learned.   Those experiences, however, become as much a part of who we are as the good experiences do; and if we don't value the learning that has been forced upon us, we are often disregarding some of the most important life lessons of all.

In the 1970's Helen Reddy's famous song, "I Am Woman" (which today is often the brunt of jokes) has the line, "Yes, I am wise, but it's wisdom born of pain."  Regardless of what, if any, striking of any chords remains with that song; that one line remains a good one.  Much wisdom is born of pain.  Much of it does come when life sends its storms that leave our lives either completely or partially in pieces.

When it happens, the only sensible thing to do is get down on that floor and look through the rubble for any pieces that have a shred of redeeming value; and once we've found them all, picking them up and bringing them with us into the future.  Yes, those pieces may be nothing more than bits of "wisdom born of pain", but they are as much a part of us and our lives as the good things are.  Sweeping them aside would mean sweeping a part of ourselves aside, and with that sweeping also some of the more valuable wisdom that is only gained through the storms of life.

Not valuing the many small bits of wisdom we've found among the rubble would mean seeing our terrible experience as "all for nothing"; and the fact is we need to find a "something" that has been gained if we not to be left feeling empty.

When we pick up those pieces of what is useful from the rubble we walk away with what has been hard earned but what will, in an unfortunate way, make us a little more whole in a way that isn't always easy to see at first.  Sometimes, too, we even find a way to glue those pieces together and build a new "us" that is stronger and wiser.