I am not claiming to be a great golfer. Indeed, I am not claiming to be even an 'average' golfer. The truth is I have been paid actual cash by several major golf courses just to stay OFF their course for fear of the damage suits they might incur by yours truly.

Be that as it may, I now take it upon myself to instruct the reader in a few fundamental tips on playing the game that everybody loves to watch when Tiger Woods is on the 'back-nine', but nobody, in their right mind, would want to be there playing against him.

You may be wondering what golf is all about. Well I am going to tell you.

Golf is a game, invented by some very malicious Scot (or a Scot with a very cruel sense of humour--historians have yet to decide which) whereby the player is given one overriding task--to get his little, tiny, bouncy ball into a little, tiny,minuscule hole in the middle of a big, massive, plot of well-manicured grass.

That's it. Now if you have any sense at all you will give up the very idea of trying your hand at playing this game, and go out on the patio with the gang and have a few martinis and forget you ever heard the word golf.

If however I have peaked your curiosity, and believe me I never intended to; it was a accident and I promise not to 'peak' it in the future, then let us get on with more facts and tips on this truly masochistic pastime.

The first thing you will require in order to play the game of golf is what is called 'a set of clubs'. Now these are not clubs in the way of Elks, Masons,and Knights of Columbus clubs, but are rather an actual number of metal poles with either a piece of wood (hence the term 'woods' as in 'I've just driven my ball into the woods and darned if I'm going in there to look for it--the usual meaning of woods on the golf course at any rate) or it is a metal pole with a piece of metal at the end. Why are some clubs wooden and others metal you ask?

This is a deep mystery. Nobody knows the answer. So please stop asking such smart-aleck questions.

Now the second thing you will need in order to torture yourself on the golf course, is a ball. Balls come in all flavours--pistachio, mint, vanilla---no no ...sorry I am thinking of ice cream. Golf balls come in only one size--'maddeningly small'. You must hit the ball with the club. You must not stop at Park Place, or you will go directly to jail.

All clear so far?

Now you may have noticed those little things golfers often are seen to stick in the ground. These are called 'Tee's' and are just a prop to hold the ball in place while you, with you magnificent swing, take a swipe at it and miss it--thus embarrassing yourself for weeks to come if any of your office buddies happen to witness it happening. And believe me, they never miss the good stuff.

How about swing? What is this swing thing? What do you mean by swing?

My gosh you are a pesty little creature, asking me all those questions. Why don't you just go outside and play and leave me to my nap which I was taking before you barged in and starting asking about this golf stuff.

Well to answer your question anyway, in order to hit the ball you must have what is called 'a classic swing'. This has three parts:

1. Address the ball. Place your feet on either side of the ball, and the club on the side nearest your right foot. Unless you are like Phil Michelson, in which case you reverse everything, because he is left-handed.

2. Raise the club SLOWLY until the end of the club comes all the way around and touches the back of your left leg. If you can do this gymnastic feat you are a better man than me, Gunga-din. But apparently golfers do it all the time, everyday. It is a sort of 'cork-screw' motion of the body whereby you twist yourself like a pretzel into the most unnatural position you will ever find yourself in, outside of trying to do push-ups on water bed perhaps.

3. Now it's zero hour. This is the moment all your preparation has built to. This is the time the allies land on the beach, this is the big moment when you bring your metal pole down, with every little bit of strength and God-given power onto that little, white target and attempt, with prayers and supplication to launch it into orbit.

In other words, you hit the ball.

Now, provided all has gone according to plan, your golf ball should be at this moment sailing over the heads of spectators and patrons alike, and coming to a gentle rest on the large, flat area of the grass inventively titled 'the green'.

If things have not gone according to plan, and they never ever do on the golf course, then your ball has taken upon itself to play a little game of 'hide n' seek' whereby it will attempt to find the most intractable area of the course and snuggle down there, beneath flower and fauna, to wait while you attempt to find it. Good luck.

Golf balls, in my view, are made with a certain degree of Artificial Intelligence, (or perhaps they develop it on their own?) which allows them enough brain-power to do this hiding job so successfully it is a wonder the Pentagon has not analyzed their properties to put it to work in their military escapades.

On second thought, maybe they have.

Let us assume the unlikely scenario that your ball has indeed landed on the green, somewhere close to the hole. Your task now is simple indeed. Just knock the darn thing into the hole in the least number of strokes, and then go and have lunch in the clubhouse. You will find, however, that lunch will get cold and the sun may just descend more than a few number of degrees close to the horizon, before you ever get that little devilish piece of rubber to drop into the hole. You try and you try and still it finds a way, just at the last moment, to avoid it's destiny and does a quick, last-minute right turn and skips merrily away, over to another part of 'said green' to sit, smirking at you, daring to try and tap it in one more time.

My advice for you at this point is to take your lumps and declare the ball the winner. But of course you won't. You will persist in your battle and knock that ball around the green for the rest of your life if you must, but in the hole it will go!

Let us again assume, that indeed you have succeeded and the ball has complied with your wishes, and plopped happily into the hole. Now what?

Well you just go to the next hole and repeat the whole thing over again! Eighteen times, total in fact.

Sounds easy enough?

Go out and try it for yourself then.

And may the Force be with you.