How to publish a book in a ten part comedy for the beginner writer. First one must believe that writing isn't a challenge and they must have a sense of humor. A Very intense sense of humor. How To Publish a Book: a Ten Part Comedy is just that, a comedy of epic proportions. And now, for your enjoyment:

Part 1 (The First) (Also known as Step One):

Dance around the computer screaming: "Book is Published! Very Good! Very Good! Very Good! Book is Published! Very Good! VERY GOO-OD!" ( to the tune of London Bridge.) Neighbors will peek through the windows to see you go insane, but this is the most important part of this time, as you will become one with the computer. This will aid in the next step.

Part 2 (The Second) (Also known as Step 2):

Sit in the lotus position on the chair and type slowly and careful. Taking care to say each word you type clearly and slowly, so that the "vibrations" of the story shines through. Don't work for speed but for vibrations. A word count of 100 is acceptable the first day. After writing Follow part one and scream it until you head hurts. The neighbors will love you. this is for days1-3 of "hard work." Buy a How to Publish a Book manual.

Part 3 (The Third) (Also known as Step 3):

Work harder on days four five and six, add up to 200 words a day. Find a good yoga position. and type that way, it will make the time go faster and improve your typing. Repeat the song after completing your daily count.

Part 4 (The Fourth) (Also known as Step 4):

Days 7-10.. begin to get frantic. type as fast as you can for as long as you can. Caffeine and Sugar work wonders. By this time, the writer extraordinaire should have a mental picture of how big the desk is due to falling asleep while typing. Avoid any temptation to leave the computer, not even for a second. You will do it!

Part 5 (The Fifth) (Also known as Step 5):

Sleep for the next five days. Mumble song (see step one) you know so well during this time. Think about how to publish this novel in the shortest time possible without going near the computer... ever again.

Part 6 (The Sixth) (Also known as Step 6):

Get frantic that your computer was on for the last five days. Worry that the how to publish manual hasn't come. Open front door, and find it, along with other mailings from that 15 days or so. Begin to brew coffee and dance around the computer singing song from step 1. Repeat Step 2, only this time go through the book and see if there are any mistakes.

End of Act One.

Part 7 (The Seventh) (Also known as Step 7):

Drink coffee and eat chocolate well into the night all the while reading the how to publish a book manual. Realize that you should be writing a book, which to your dismay is on the computer,which is buried under paper. Hoping to make this all go away, repeat step one until blue in the face.

Part 8 (The Eighth) (Also known as Step 8):

Finish book and decide that print on demand is the way to go.  Google it, and find thecheapest print on demand publisher.  Change mind and request refund.  Decide to use another print on demand group.  Change mind and demand a refund.  Don't look at book and don't edit.  Never do this.  Then decide that print on demand isn't for you, as you aren't sure what is right for you.

Part 9 (The Ninth) (Also known as Step 9):

Decide to send manuscript out.  Change mind after spend almost a thousanddollars on paper, ink and envelopes, get many paper cuts.  Decide to send it out anyways.  Change mind.  Sing the Song from Step 1.  Dance and hop around the computer, it works best if you are by a big window with it wide open.  Dance until you can't anymore.  Have more caffeine.  Decide that you'll deal with the bills you got many steps ago tomorrow.  Have some chocolate and assume the lotus position.  Don't rip the pants you've worn for the past few weeks.

Part 10 (The tenth) (also known as Step 10):

Decide that perhaps writing isn't right for you.  But just in case, repeat steps 1-10 only this time, sing the song in Step 1 louder.  Obviously the neighbours didn't hear you.

Relax, and have fun with the next book.