Unlike other little Canadian boys, I never learned to ice skate, having spent my childhood adventuring across the world in search of the Holy Grail, and being a double agent for the CIA.

However, having reached the age of majority, (in Canada it is 33 years old) I took it upon myself to learn the art of ice skating and did, acheiving a certificate by the local skate-club for excellence in "falling down". Hence I consider myself expert enough to provide the public at large in some tips on learning this skill.

What you Will Need :

• a pair of ice skates
• a pair of feet to put in them
• a large, frozen body of water or ice rink
• a thermos of hot chocolate
• an ambulance team on standby
• a friend with a camera to capture your falls for YouTube
• four helpers: one for your left, one for your right, one for your back, and one in front of you (who has a sturdy rope tied around your middle)
• a week off work to recover from your bruises
• courage
• persistence
• daring-do
• foolhardiness
• and a bicycle helmet

A. Put on your skates. Right skate on right foot, left skate on left. It may seem silly to have to explain this, but I happen to know that it took Michelle Kwan three years before she got it right.

B. Take a sip of hot chocolate. The kind with the little marshmellows in it if you have it.

C. Take another sip...no use in rushing this.

D. Instruct your four helpers to prop you into what is called 'standing position'.

E. Depending on your prediliction, either: make the sign of the cross and say three hail marys OR sing your favourite Hannuka song.

F. Alert the ambulance team to be on standby.

G. Tell the guy with the camera to "start rolling!"

H. Instruct your helpers to 'launch themselves upon the ice'

After you have fallen down, go back to Step One and repeat until sore.

At this point you will have gained some proficiency in maintaining the 'standing position' on your own, or at most with aid of two of your helpers, and will be getting some confidence in the art of gracefully moving your corpus over a frozen body of water, perhaps even in rhythm to corny skating music over the P.A. system.

If so you can consider yourself a skater.

If not, don't worry. You can always give it up and take up more worthy pursuits--like searching the world for the Holy Grail.

Who knows, maybe you'll find it.