Humahnz make pretty good servants and better furniture. And, of course, they're the very best pets!

Our humahnz need a strong paw to command them. It's for their own good, and they know it. But since they're basically big apes (our forebears ate theirs for lunch), they often forget. Oh, well ... with ownership comes great responsibility.

Of course they're cute. Don't let it distract you. Humahnz are servants first, furniture second, and pets third. If you want to avoid a major pain in the tail, nip these problem behaviors on the wrist:

Aloofness: Humahnz aren't capable of being aloof. But they can get preoccupied with their noisy toys when they should be working. What about your needs? It's tempting to catrapomorphize, but don't. Be fluffy but firm. Don't let them ignore you.

Clinginess: Sometimes we cats just need our own space. As reasonable beings, we need our house, our backyard, our front yard, our outbuildings, our back forty and so on, all to ourselves. Humahnz can't be expected to understand this. We must teach them. Snub them severely.

Tardiness: Polite meowing may improve your musical technique, but it won't get you any breakfast. Practice your other skills on them, too. Your trampoline act, for instance. 

Running Away: Want 'em or not, humahnz always seem to come back. But when they go, they may be gone for hours, even days! Look for trouble signs like showering, making coffee, getting dressed and hauling luggage out of the closet. Intervene.  Vigorously. 

Aggressiveness: So, your humahn occasionally forces yucky stuff down your throat. Or worse, you let it shove you into a box and take you to a place full of wild humahnz with pointy things. And you expect our sympathy?? Loser! Your humahnz are totally out of control, and it's all your fault. Remember -- you have claws and fangs, and they don't. What? Wild humahnz got your claws too?  Double loser!  Read on for actions even you can take. 

... finally, the cutest but the worst ...

Delusions of Superiority (Arrogance): If left to their own devices, humahnz will start believing they can run the place. Soon they'll believe they own you. 

Hmmm. Something's come up.  Pardon me --

rrrrowwwlllllaaacccckkkkhissssssss reeeowwwowooorrr

sssssssssssssss ... kack!

...ahem ...

Excuse me, but I just had to rescue dear old Pirate from the keyboard before he hurt himself.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Basic supervisory techniques:

Learn Your Humahnz' Languages: Humahnz lack proper ears, tails and brains. Plus, they stink, but they can't smell very well. Yet, believe it or not, they do possess language of a sort. Two languages, in fact -- one for ears and one for eyes. You must learn them both. Don't worry, they're pretty basic. Devote one rainy afternoon to getting fluent, then keep your knowledge secret for as long as you can. But ... give them a hint every now and then; it enhances your mysstique and their worshipful respect. A win-win!

(Example: This Hub. It's gonna be one BIG hint for a certain servant!)

Use Your Skills Creatively: Judicious use of clawcupuncture cures bad humahn attitudes. Ankle-dancing will distract your humahn from its scheming. Declawed? You can still use your head! Caterwauling can be most effective. Fangs are even better.

For severe behavior issues, go into Invisible Mode. They'll think you ran away. Let 'em see how they like it. Use your "out time" to conduct surveillance.

Advanced Practice: Let's say your Humahn is playing with the dishwasher, without your permission. Here's what you do:

• Humahn opens the dishwasher. You slide in.
• Humahn drags you out, closes the dishwasher.
• Humahn grabs a dish, opens the dishwasher again. You slide in.
• Humahn drags you out, closes the dishwasher.
• Bonus Round 1: Get under the kitchen sink. Allow humahn to finish playing with the dishwasher. The second you hear buzzing and sloshing, meow pitifully.
• Bonus Round 2: Humahn runs to dishwasher, opens it up to rescue Poor Helpless Kitty (you!). You scoot out from under the sink. Leap into dishwasher.
• No wash. No rinse! Repeat.

Yes, some humahnz are all but untrainable. That's when tough decisions must be made. And sometimes, tragically, we must sacrifice that which is dearest to us.

We refer, of course, to our Glorious Dignity.

A moment of silence, please. Thank you.

Moving on ...

Example: Suppose that your humahn is a poor food server. You know the type -- it's slow and clumsy, and it gives you tap water instead of imported mountain springwater on ice. To teach it speed, you must keep two steps ahead of it, all the way to -- and into -- the food dish. Even if it means you get food poured on your head.

Worst Case Scenario: Say your humahn escapes your surveillance, and they leave you with a sitter! Or maybe they move your sofa. Well, cranky humahnz holler about being "p*ssed off." They may also be heard to yammer, "Oh, sh*t!" Actions speak louder than yammers. This is your cue. Perform an act your humahn can understand, preferably on the carpet or right in the middle of the floor, where they can't miss it.

This time, you really Meant To Do That.

Above all, purrsevere!