How To Tell If It's True Love
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True Love, Lust, Or Friendship?
So, you feel that swelling in your heart. The kind that makes you want to write poetry and beautiful music. You have the crazy indescribable urge to broadcast to the world that you're in love and make frequent references to friends and colleagues about the object of your affection. You are on a delicious, delirious high and feel that nothing can bring you down now that you have finally found 'The One'.
But is it genuine true love that you have stumbled across or an insidious impostor? One that leaves a trail of broken hearts and broken promises everywhere. History is replete with stories of unconditional love that reached almost to the heights of heaven itself. Couples who were bonded so closely that nothing could come between them. Unfortunately for every one of those tales there are literally thousands more which end in sorrow and despair. Most of the time the pain that results from a relationship ending has more to do with our own unrealised fantasies and lost hope than it has to do with our choice of mate. There are notable exceptions to this of course.
The difficulty lies in trying to maintain a realistic view of our partner and the relationship while our hormones and their rush of 'love endorphins' undermines our every turn. The phrase "Love is Blind" was coined for a reason.
Lust and The Honeymoon Period
By now the term 'honeymooon period' has become a mainstream label for the beginning of a relationship. It is the time when your significant other can do no wrong. They are perfect in every way, held aloft on a mighty pedestal where every day you go to worship at the beauty of their creation. This is the most dangerous time when errors in judgement can be profound and long lasting. During this period (even with the sudden rush of love hormones) our intuition will tell us when something is not quite right. The problem is for most of us we choose not to listen.
Compatibility issues can surface almost immediately and we should be thinking long and hard about whether these are things we can live with for the long term or whether this person really is the dream mate we have envisioned. It is the overwhelming passion of the 'honeymoon period' that has many people mistaking lust for love. A lot of 'I do's' have been said out of lust and pure physical attraction and when the endorphins die down there is no foundation left from which a life together can be built.
Friendship And The Desire To Couple
Many people have envisioned a life spent with a close friend. These romantic friendships sometimes involve sex and sometimes they do not but one thing they all have in common is the desire for closeness. It usually starts when two people find that they are surprisingly similar. They begin to hang out all of the time and feel truly comfortable in each others presence. They are able to communicate freely and trust implicitly. It is easy to mistake such a wonderful bond as true love, however, there are usually key elements, such as passion, which are missing. Both parties soon talk themselves into believing that they would make a good couple just because they are such great friends. This rarely turns out to be true. It is usually our feelings of loneliness that have us running for the arms of a friend. Unfortunately, without those intangible extras that exist when romantic love is truly present, the relationship often falters. And more heartbreaking is the fact that afterwards the friendship rarely survives either.
So What Is True Love?
Thich Nhat Hanh, a world renowned Buddhist monk who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, describes true love as having four elements:
Lovingkindness, compassion, joy and freedom.
But what does this mean in terms of your own relationship?
Lovingkindness
When you truly love someone you embrace them for who they are this very minute. You do not have fantasies about what you believe they could evolve into. You accept their shortcomings and foibles and sometimes love them all the more because of it. You have the desire to create happiness for them and through your actions are able to bring about lasting joy in their lives. This requires a deep level of understanding with regards to your mates wishes. Many people have done things with the intent to build a better life for their partners only to find out that their actions caused more pain and suffering to occur. The resultant argument usually starts with the sentence "You just don't understand" or "You never listen." True love always listens!
This doesn't mean you will never have an argument. How boring would life be if we all agreed on everything. But there is a distinct difference between a disagreement which eventually brings two people closer together and a situation where one or both people feel alienated and deeply hurt.
Compassion
When your love is pure your primary intention is to remove the pain and suffering that has plagued your partner throughout their lives. We all come into relationships with baggage, past failures and disappointments, that can overwhelm the present if we let it. Being able to help heal the old wounds of your beloved is what compassion is all about. If you truly love someone you cannot stand to see them suffer. Helping them to overcome their hurt and fear in a compassionate way establishes trust. One of the foundations of a strong and long lasting relationship.
Joy
Every day you should feel absolute joy when you wake up next to your beloved. Obviously there will be times when difficulties arise. The universe throws curve balls at us all the time that we have to find a way to deal with. But even through those dark times you should feel grateful that your partner is by your side. They should be able to make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. They should be able to hold you even when they have made you mad. There should be laughter and light not tears and darkness. You should never feel alone and unhappy within your relationship.
Freedom
Freedom is an essential element for love. You have to have the freedom to be yourself and express your true desires. You have to be able to confidently give your partner all the space and freedom they need to live a fulfilling life. If you become angry or upset because your mate wants to spend time alone or with friends, or if you become jealous over the passion they have for their work or hobby then this is called selfish love. You are more concerned with your own desires than allowing them the freedom to truly shine within themselves. We all need things outside of a relationship to make us complete human beings. If we do not have access to those things we begin to wither inside. When you have truly found 'The One' you will feel a sense of freedom that has previously been missing in past relationships.
What True Love Isn't
True love is never associated with violence, deception, abuse (emotional, physical or verbal), constant sacrifice for the good of only one person, jealousy, fear or mistrust.
"True love always waits." And is patient, caring, kind, joyous and free!
Comments
Wow, Thank you Earth Angel. You really know how to make a person feel good inside!
Great hub RFox. :-) What a joy it is to experience true love in our lives...when we experience loving kindness, compassion, joy and freedom, we are so blessed!
Thank you Ripplemaker. Yes, true love is magnificient. I spent my youth watching my Grandparents who were lucky enough to have such a rare connection. My Grandfather proposed to my Grandmother after just 3 weeks and they were madly in love till she passed away at 89. When my Grandmother died my Grandfather stated that he had no reason to go on living as she was his life. A year later he was gone too.
They certainly didn't have an easy life. There were many major difficulties they had to face but through it all they loved and respected one another. Their example showed me what love truly is and to see that closeness changes you forever! We should all be so lucky.
What a blessed coincidence, RFox. I too have witness the beautiful marriage of my grandparents who have passed away already too. Thanks for sharing. I believe we have been touched and moved to love like they do.
Hi RF, I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's new book, A New Earth and relating it to how to find true love, and what I call your irresistible definition of true love. Where we move beyond our past and into our true selves and find our first true love overselve.
I love what Thich Nhat Hanh says about true love. Thich Nhat Hanh and Eckhart Tolle are in the same camp.
RFox, these are great sentiments.
Unconditional love does, indeed, have that wonderful sense of freedom to it.
I'm a bit nervous about using terms like "The One", though, because it tends to make people think there is one special person out there, and if things are difficult with their current partner it must be because they are "not The One".
I would be comfortable with "A One", or "One" - I even refer to people as "One of my Ones"!
There will probably be more than one One.
Because Love is not Sex, and even celibate people have Ones, if they are truly open to unconditional love.
Inspirepub: Good point about 'the one'. Some people do have more than one true love in their lives. I used that term simply because it's what people tend to say, that's why it's in quotation marks. But I see how that could be misconstrued. I think I will re-write when I have the time. And I also wanted to add that true love doesn't mean you won't go through difficult times. It's how you deal with difficulty that determines what kind of relaitonship you're in. Need to add that too.
And good point about celibacy!
You always have great comments to make and I appreciate the feedback. :)
Coach Colleen: I haven't read Eckhart Tolle's new book but I think I will now. Thanks for the suggestion! And your comments.
Beautiful sentiments about love.
Angela Harris: Thank you for you comments.
Your hub is very well written and inspiring. those r great qualities that you describe, qualities that have been quite scarce for me in my marriage.
: (
Mommagus: That's sad to hear. Although it's never too late to change your life or the way you are with your Husband. I married way too young, before I knew who I was or what I wanted out of life, and then divorced 5 years later.
Now I finally know who I am and what kind of relationship I want. My boyfriend and I just made the decision to move in together and our relationship is completely different from any I have experienced before. There is total respect and unconditional love and neither one of us could ever hurt the other intentionally, not even in words. We support each other and forgive the other if we're tired or grumpy (as we all get from time to time.)
It took me a long time of being by myself and experiencing life to realise how to create a wonderful relationship. Just believe me when I say it's never too late to alter your life for the better. No matter what the circumstances.
My thoughts are with you and I truly hope you find happiness. :)
Great hub RFox. Those things filtered through my head and I totally understand what your talking about.
I got married under false conditions and we suffered or suffer according to our actions, eventually I ended up not caring because lack of "freedom", stupid words, inability to communicate, selfish love and his desire to change me instead of accept me set us miles apart, enough to know that we were never compatable people but got caught up in lust that resulted in fantacies and ended up with a child in a loveless marriage.
But like you Rfox, I grew into myself and what I want and need, fully realizing my vulnerabilities and capabilities. Next time I need to grow or change together in life but burgeorn in spirit in love.
much love RFox always!
Sandy: thanks for the thoughtful comments and I send that love right back!
Realizing our vulnerabilities and capabilities is the biggest step towards true freedom and love in life I think. It's great to see you've grown out of a difficult situation keeping love still in your heart. This is the hardest part of life, I feel, preventing yourself from becoming tainted and bitter because of poor choices.
Seeing how much spirit and openess you still have towards life is inspiring! :D
I think that these are things we all "know" on some level, but sometimes we need it spelled out for us.
So, thanks for spelling it out and being an inspiration to me today.
It's stated that it is difficult to find a good relationship because you need to resist the love endorphins. We do not have this problem with our close friends. With our close friends we have lovingkindness, compassion, joy and freedom. However, a relationship with a close friend without romantic love would be a sad relationship. So how about a close friend whom you have romantic love with. Of course, feeling romantic love is difficult. So how about we focus on what really matters? Making it easier to fall in romantic love with a person.
This is beautiful. I have been blessed enough to see a few of my friends be in relationships as you describe where true love is just beeming out of them. It warms my heart to be around them. I am experiencing it for myself now and it's an incredible feeling. You write very well. I love the way you describe it, it's like you're in my heart and I could never have worded it as well as you did. It makes me even more confident that what I am feeling is definitely true love. Thank you for sharing.
Mary: Thank you for sharing and commenting! That's wonderful you have such love in your life. It really does change everything. :D
Your passion for writing truly and beautifully shines through in this hub. I was very encouraged an impacted by this imparticular one. Thank you for your words. I was extremely touched. Blessings in your passion, may you continue to excel!
hey u r cool n u opened my eyes...danke..u know i feel wow,,great n speechless when i read ur hub,,its cool..n i was so shocked when u said 'bout write poetry n beautiful musics'... I DID!! im not lying,,i did... i started to write these things after i met this guy..he is far from me..n to be honest,,i never force myself to fall in love with him,,it just like that,,n i care bout him..he made my day n by this seconds,,i dont know what to say bout him,,unspeakable..writeless...i just want to know who is he in my life..i confess i like him n when i read ur hub,,i believe he is THE ONE for me..but whats the other signs if he is really THE ONE for me?? thanks..
nice hub, true love is also sacrifice.
nice hub...great job done....you have explained it very nicely....i have enjoyed reading it.thanx for sharing it....
Hello, I have a question for the ladies if there are any on this. I am a 50 year old male that lived for 20 years in a very emotionally hard marriage. I will be the first to admit that I wasn't perfect but I tried extemely hard to make it work and I NEVER lied or cheated. She cheated on me at least 4 times that I'm aware of, she had sex with 3, thought she was pregnant by 1, lived with 1 for the year we separated till finally 10 years ago I left her. Our children were 18, 13 and 9 all boys. I took the 2 younger 1's as she didn't want anything to do with them. The youngest turned 18 last Sept and has moved out. It has now been 10 plus years since I have been with a woman either physically or mentally as I'm scared to death of going through the hurt again. I don't know how to put this in words but here goes. I have been having these very strong feelings for this girl for the past 4 years. I cannot describe these emotions except to say that when she's around I feel that nothing life puts in my way matters. After some very serious contemplation I've concluded 2 things 1st that if I'm not in-love with her it's a close facsimily and 2nd I can never tell her as it would add confusion to her life that she doesn't need. I know she cares about me as she's always asking me to go places with her but I don't know if she can care for me the way I would like. She is everything I admire in a woman but here in lays the problem, she's 25 yrs my junior. I know that is quite an age difference but in my experience I've met 20 yr olds that are more mature than 50 yr olds and vice versa. I put these emotions down to loliness, midlife, rebound [even though it was 6 yrs] and I even moved away for a yr hoping the feelings would go away but to no avail. I am not a wealthy man so I can't give her many material things all I can give her is honesty, loyalty and Love. Considering the age difference that probably won't be enough. Logic tells me that I should never tell her how I feel and be there for her whenever she needs me and hope with more time these emotions will go away. My heart however tells me a different story but is unsure of what to do. No I don't call her all the time or park outside her home or work and except for her texting or calling me we don't have any contact other than when I see her when she asks me to go somewhere or she comes to visit which is a couple times a month. Which brings me to the question, what do I do? Do I ignore these feelings and hope they go away?
It sounds very interesting! I enjoy reading it. True LOVE never selfish! What is you opinion, some says Love is blind and other says not blind?
I was married for 21 yrs, then divorced because it was a "loveless" marriage, Nothing in common, and stayed with her because of the kids, BAD MOVE!, although I have NO regrets because if things didnt go down the way they did, how they did, and when they did I wouldnt have met the true love of my life, Tracey, who to was also in a loveless marriage for 17 years.
Age gives us experience, experience gives us knowledge, experience and knowledge together gives us Wisdom, the wisdom to know right from wrong, good from evil, and maturity to admit when we are wrong and not to gloat when we are right, I believe you DO have to be best friends to TRUELY have a marriage that lasts for eternity, I would have to say that against all odds, Tracey and I have actually grown closer through a lot of adversity, I think the more you have in common with your mate increases the odds of your relationship surviving exponentially!!! True Love requires alot. Understanding, patience, compassion, selflessness, thoughtfulness, courage ethics, morals, and a devotion towards each other that is endless. a good relationship requires a lot of work, but a work that you like to do because the other person is worth more than ANYTHING!!! and that they feel EXACTLY the way you do.
I thought I was destined to a life of loneliness when I divorced, I dated a lot of women, most lasted one date, two of them lasted a couple weeks, but after about a week with Tracey, I already pretty much knew she was the one, I don't THINK shes the one, I KNOW shes the one!!! I can honestly say she is my best friend and confidant, and look forward to spending the rest of my life with her, because together, we make life fun again!!! Good luck to all of you out there, I wish you the best!!!
i WROTE THE ABOVE
I was married for 21 yrs, then divorced because it was a "loveless" marriage, Nothing in common, and stayed with her because of the kids, BAD MOVE!, although I have NO regrets because if things didnt go down the way they did, how they did, and when they did I wouldnt have met the true love of my life, Tracey, who to was also in a loveless marriage for 17 years.
Age gives us experience, experience gives us knowledge, experience and knowledge together gives us Wisdom, the wisdom to know right from wrong, good from evil, and maturity to admit when we are wrong and not to gloat when we are right, I believe you DO have to be best friends to TRUELY have a marriage that lasts for eternity, I would have to say that against all odds, Tracey and I have actually grown closer through a lot of adversity, I think the more you have in common with your mate increases the odds of your relationship surviving exponentially!!! True Love requires alot. Understanding, patience, compassion, selflessness, thoughtfulness, courage ethics, morals, and a devotion towards each other that is endless. a good relationship requires a lot of work, but a work that you like to do because the other person is worth more than ANYTHING!!! and that they feel EXACTLY the way you do.
I thought I was destined to a life of loneliness when I divorced, I dated a lot of women, most lasted one date, two of them lasted a couple weeks, but after about a week with Tracey, I already pretty much knew she was the one, I don't THINK shes the one, I KNOW shes the one!!! I can honestly say she is my best friend and confidant, and look forward to spending the rest of my life with her, because together, we make life fun again!!! Good luck to all of you out there, I wish you the best!!!
To Madmac: That's a tough situation to be in and what you do entirely depends on the kind of woman your twenty-something is.
There are women for whom age does not matter, however, she could also see you as a kind of father figure and not a potential lover.
It is obvious that if she is texting you and asking you to go places with her that she genuinely enjoys your company. Maybe patience is in order.
Hold off making any decisions and just let the friendship blossom. If she is interested in you romantically then eventually her feelings will show. She will give you signs and may say it outright. I think given your position it would be best to let her take the lead and in the meantime enjoy her company and friendship.
There's no need to rush into making any decisions. Just go with the flow and if she does have romantic feelings for you like you do for her then don't let any age stereotypes get in your way.
If she is 25 then she is an adult and your age isn't that important.
Just my thoughts....
For Chillingbreeze: I think love in the beginning is always blind. We do not see our partners as they truly are during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It is only much later that the blindfold comes off and we see our lover in an accurate light. It is usally at this point when most couples either break up or choose to be together forever.
That's what true love is: Seeing your mate with the blindfold off and loving them all the same. It's not an easy thing for a lot of people.
For JoeCool45: Truer words were never spoken. Excellent comment and congrats on finding your true love!
Thanks for commenting everyone!
Simply wonderful!
It's is great, I would also know the signs to look for when finding someone special.
wow.. i find this so imspiring and yet it fills me with saddness. almost all of these things apply to me in my marriage. i love my husband more than anything, its indescribable how much i love hi, and yet it saddens me because he doesnt return the same qualities. breaks my heart how much life is finally hitting me and how late.
I am in love with my girl. We met online. It has evolved into such a beautiful relationship. We are from two different countries, two different cultures. She came to my place and gosh... we just connected so well. It is such a perfect connection, a perfect love. We do have our own share of disagreements, problems etc but you know what? I love her. I will always do. I just hope this love doesnt end cos I know, I will always love her, no matter what. I breathe her. :) This is eternal and this will go through any storm or fire and we will still stick to each other like crazy. :)
Yea, true love is beautiful, even through the pain, the suffering not just during happy times.
I see in her a majestic princess in all her glory, a understanding and best friend, an amazingly & lavishly beautiful girlfriend, a wild and passionate lover, a loving and caring mother. I see in her all my dreams fulfilled and I see in her my inspiration, my source of strength, joy and security! I cant bear to see a tear drop in her eye. Shes truly my angel! :)
I love her in her times of weakness more than in her strength; I love her when shes angry more than when shes laughing; I love her more in her pain than in her joy; I love her more when she nags me and irritates me than when she pleasures me. Hmm... crazy me.. but.. I will always love her, as she is... My sweet sweet baby!!! :) Forever, eternal!!!
First of all, being a writer myself, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed what you wrote about love. :)
On another note though, I need some guidance... I have been with my boyfriend for three years off and on. Lots of it has been good, but there have definitely been bad fights and breakups. Although, I think a lot of the fights had to do with communication and maturity issues. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me just as much, if not more. He treats me wonderful and takes care of me. He always says I'm the girl he's going to marry and our life will be perfect together. We are planning on moving in when he graduates college this year and it’s a big step for the both of us.
I worry a lot though. We are complete polar opposites. I am an artist, he is an engineer. My life is centered around music while his is not. He is logical and I am emotional. He is a clean cut professional while I am more free spirited and spontaneous. I question everyday if he really is the person for me. Can such differences keep us apart? I feel sometimes that I wish he were different, but the love that I feel is indescribable. I could never imagine living a day without him. I am so confused and just wonder what this means. Any ideas?
Oh my! I love Thich Nhat Hanh - I just finished writing my hub on a similar topic - I almost drew the points you covered from his beautiful book on the subject but instead talked about Scott Peck! I'm so glad I didn't! Kartika
Beautiful! :) Thank you.
Earth Angel says:
2 years ago
This is a MOST beautiful Hub RFox!!
Thank you so much for sharing and setting the record straight is such an elegant fashion!! You are an amazing addition to HubPages!! I love reading what you write!!
Thank you gentle soul for this Hub of beauty and grace!!
Blessings to you and yours, Earth Angel!!