How To Truly Help Teenagers As A Group Home Houseparent

Okay. You have been hired as a live-in group home houseparent. Stereotypically, "you" are a married couple, and you report to a Board of Directors with considerable oversight...but also with a lot to do on your own, hoping that you get it right. Here are a few tips to help you do just that:

1. Do not come across as judgmental. Some of the kids you'll be parenting may have come from jail, others from homes in which they were abused or neglected. For the most part, they will have problems with self-image. I recall one 13-year-old who was a pretty fair basketball player...until I tried to throw a game to let him win one. The worse I played, the worse he played; he could not allow himself to win over the "towering adult". We don't want to add to a problem like that.

2. Usually, frequent education and reminders will be needed to let residents know that consequences to their actions are just that and are not punishment. My second wife and I had considerable success as houseparents, but we also spent a LOT of time explaining about "cause and effect" versus thinking like a victim.

3. Posted chore schedules are generally helpful. Not only do schedules clearly indicate who needs to do what, and when, but they are invaluable when this or that boy or girl makes a claim of unfair treatment.

4. Use the terrain. That is, get the entire "family" out of the house once in a while for a field trip of one sort or another. These kids, especially in intervention group homes (the kind we ran), are really under the gun. Often they know that within 90 days or less, they will be moved elsewhere--but they don't know where. Being a teeanger is enough stress without that.

So, If you live in snow country and know a great toboggan run, fire up the van and go! In South Dakota, we had a dude ranch and mounted everyone on horses occasionally. In Wyoming, we'd just load into the van and drive around the countryside, gawking at oil wells, coal trains, and cactus while making up and sharing really bad songs.

5. Most of the youngsters you'll encounter have a well developed sense of humor. You'll want to encourage that. And that means you must be able to laugh at yourself. Sure, you need to be respected to do your work effectively. But...here's an example:

In Wyoming, a stocky blonde girl of fifteen joined us in early autumn. I wore Western clothes for the most part, jeans and cowboy boots and such. Wyoming is "country", yet Vicky saw herself as a "city person"...which meant she saw me as "not that". So she called me a Cow Hick. I did not mind. In fact, I found it funnier than she did. She never shirked her chores or came home late after school, never caused any trouble at all. Not snarling at her produced great benefits, and she went onto her next placement in good balance.

6. If you are a husband and wife team, different kids will bond with one of you or the other but not with both. It is a wise thing to REGULARLY consult with your spouse to find out if anything important has been told to the one of you but not the other. Then you can plan together, coming up with the best plan for all.

7. Develop and use an intelligence network. No, do not encourage the kids to rat each other out. That is VERY bad form! But contacts will naturally develop over time if you let them. Carolyn and I worked hard to come up with solid ties to all sorts of people in the community. Teachers, police, juvenile probation officers, the occasional youth NOT in the home but who would let us know things voluntarily (we did not ask, but we did accept information). Many times a single tip helped us help a teenager avoid big trouble.

8. Be honest. It is amazing--and more than a little disgusting, at times--to see how many adults think juveniles should be told as little as possible. Sometimes it is necessary, yes: If you know a kid is getting ready to run, and you need to head him (or her) off, telling that child what you know might not be the best approach.

But many a social worker, for instance, will avoid telling a sixteen year old boy how far along the placement process might be...until the day he is told, "Okay, pack your stuff; you're outa here."

In South Dakota, we had one boy just like that. He was a handsome, hulking blond, standing a good six feet tall, right at 180 pounds and all of it muscle. He also had an attitude. To my mind, he was a real pain. To him, I was the real pain. Both viewpoints were absolutely valid.

One morning, the tension brewing between us came to a head. He exploded verbally, stating in no uncertain terms that he wanted to get out of our facility now. I told him you bet, that I wanted him out of there now, too--so let's work together so we could get Social Services off the dime and get him his long term placement!

And it worked. We never had another cross word, probably not even another cross thought, between us.

9. Create some "me" time daily. Carolyn and I developed a pattern: In the mornings, after breakfast, I would cover for an hour while she retreated to our bedroom to be alone for whatever she wanted to do: Read, crochet, make phone calls to friends and family. Whatever. Today, of course, it might be hanging out online, but not "back then" (1980 and prior).

Then, at night, after Lights Out time for the kids, she would center herself in the living room (in case something or someone popped up), and I would go into retreat for my hour. It worked well most of the time.

Thanks for reading,

Ghost32