How Would You React if You Caught Your Husband Surfing Porn Sites?
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I received a tearful phonecall from a friend last night. Apparently her Husband has been surfing free porn sites and chatting to girls from these sites online. She didn't know how to react, as at first the idea of him simply looking at a few porn sites didn't seem too terrible, especially as he had openly admitted to her that he had been on a certain site. What upset her was the fact he went on to tell her that he had been chatting to certain girls on these sites, and that he had inadvertently told one girl too much information. It turned out the girl lived locally, and she asked him outright if he owned the company that he actually does own. Of course he had denied that he did, and as everyone uses online names rather than real names, she would never be sure if he was who she suspected he was.
My friend who I shall refer to as "Sarah" to protect her privacy, then found out from talking to her Husband that he had also been discussing with this girl how his Wife was boring in bed since they had got married and how she never seemed to want sex any more. Of course this has really hurt her feelings, (especially as she says they still have sex at least twice a week), and to make matters worse her Husband won't tell her the Username and Password he set up on this porn site so that she can read for herself exactly what he has been saying and what has been said back to him by these girls.
In addition to this Sarah now has the added concern that if the girl who correctly worked out who Sarah's Husband was, lives locally, she must also know who Sarah is, and now knows that Sarah's Husband thinks she is boring in bed and has a low sex drive, plus feels the need to have intimate conversations with other women online.
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Apparently Sarah has now had a huge row with her Husband over this, and was made particularly frustrated by the fact that in spite of her repeated demands for the Username and Password to this site, he simply kept on trying to claim he had left it at work, or gave her false ones that didn't work when she tried them. He then tried to explain to her what he had said on these forums exactly, but still refused to let her read it for herself. She says this has made her wonder what on earth he has said exactly, as he seems pretty determined she won't get to read it.
In a desperate attempt at "the best form of defence is attack", he went on to tell her that he didn't bother going on to the forums and sites she visited, so why should she go to his. Of course Sarah pointed out the sites she visits, and the forums are not porn related and she would have no problem if he did want to go and have a read of them.
In the end, completely infuriated by his attitude and breach of trust, she told him that if he failed to give her the Username and password he could consider the marriage over. Unfortunately she had previously had some problems with him lying to her on more innocent matters in the past, and he was already on a final ultimatum to stop lying or get out, last chance. Now he has stood there in front of her and lied to her again about why he can't remember the password etc to this porn site, and how it is at his work, she feels he has slipped back into his old ways, and that perhaps she should honour her threat to end the marriage if the lies returned.
I was not sure what to say to her, as I know her Husband does love her, and I also know what he has done to her in the past and how much distress it caused her as she simply loathes liars, (much like I do). Her problem is what to do now, and I am not sure I am qualified to advise her one way or the other, as I know she trusts my judgement, so I don't want to make the wrong call and cause her further pain if I am wrong. I can see her valid point, that now on an Island the size of Guernsey it could rapidly spread all over the Island that Sarah is bad in bed and her Husband has been forced to visit porn sites as a result. He has committed a major indiscretion, and without being able to be sure, I doubt Sarah is bad in bed, and is more likely simply lower in libido than her Husband and may have simply relaxed into her marriage without feeling the need for the whole "jumping off the wardrobe" thing every time. She has always said jokingly her Husband is a "sex addict", and would have it every day if he could, but I didn't realise quite how bad things must have seemed from his perspective for him to go this far, leaving Sarah feeling humiliated, hurt, angry and with an impossibly hard decision to make.
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I would appreciate any comments or thoughts you all have on this, as I will send her the link to this page so she can check in for herself to see what advice you all have, whether you are males or females.
I know when I spoke to her again this morning she said her Husband had tried to cuddle up to her in bed last night, but she had pushed him away as she was so angry. He apparently went to work this morning, and eventually sent her an apology email for how he had spoken to her last night, but there has still been no sign of the username and password she demanded, so she doesn't know what to do next for the best.
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Well Cindy,
I think your friend has some serious problem to deal with and some serious adjustment to make to her life. All boys don't mind surfing porn sites and some even find it interesting to chat with girls over there, but going that far as to discuss how boring is your wife with them goes overboard at least on my books.
If things are really that bad, I wouldn't want to be with this guy even a moment longer, if I was her. However, it is a good chance that she is overreacting and adding some of her own speculations to what really is happening. You are in a better position to see if this all is true.
If it really just an overreaction, well, she's got a serious thinking to do how she can become attractive to her husband again. :)
Thanks Misha, you may be right, but I am sure she will be reading this too and drawing her own conclusions based on any advice offered. :)
In my humble opinion "openness and honesty" within a marriage has been and always will be the best policy.
Wow, I was coming here to say that I didn't mind my fiance looking at them, but chatting with girls is another thing. Lieing about it is ridiculous. I feel very sorry for her that her husband is causing her this distress and won't give her the username/password. Obviously he has been saying some things that he doesn't want her to know about, so it doesn't sound to me like he's quite a keeper, if he can't even cooperate with this simple request. I mean, sure ending a marriage over something like this MIGHT seem extreme, but I can see where she's coming from due to the lieing factor and the fact that he has lied about things in the past and as you said, he has caused her distress in the past, also. Seriously, what man says his wife is boring in bed? Especially to strange women online? That's horrible. That's private and he should discuss it with his wife and not with people over the internet.
Seriously...in my opinion it's too far gone to be salvaged...at least not without a serious commitment to change which would include therapy.
Your friend needs to decide if it's worth it. You've already said he's lied before...and now here he is doing it again. Obviously he's not a man of his word and you can't trust a person like that.
He's said terrible things about his wife...a woman that he supposedly loves...but obviously has no respect for. You can't have a marriage without mutual respect.
Your friend has a really hard decision to make...and i don't envy her in the least. It's impossible to change a person unless they want to change themselves...and while I can't find fault with his wanting to keep his privacy (I'm a big advocate of that no matter what)...I haven't seen a mention of him closing the account.
And even if he does...will she trust him not to just open up another? Does she want that kind of life...constantly wondering whether or not she is being lied to? Not to mention the damage that this man has done to her own self-esteem.
I just want to tell your friend something from somebody who has been in a similar predicament. It isn't you...and don't you dare let him make you feel as if you are at fault and that if you had only paid more attention to his sexual gratification he would not have strayed in this manner. You could have been some sexual goddess...and he still would have done it.
Ask yourself this...he's already gone this far...how much further will he go? Do you want to be around when it comes to that?
If after all of this, you still want to save the marriage...then by all means do so, but don't excuse the behavior and try to live with it. That road will just lead to further disappointment at the risk of your own self-esteem.
The problem with this scenario is that it's a single moment in time in a long (?) marriage, and you're only getting it from one half of the marriage. What's worse is that you're getting the half that in this particular moment is the most sympathetic (or at least it certainly appears that way).
The truth is it takes two to Tango (if I may be so cliché) and we're judging the whole song by one move and one note. The fact of the matter is that they've been married for X number of years and in those years the marriage has slowly, step by step - bad ones made by both partners along the way - come to this circumstance. Obviously it's very easy to vilify the dude who's chatting with online whores (particularly scary stalker ones... jezus, wtf was he thinking?) and saying disparaging things about his wife (and we all know women never talk about their husbands performances in bed, whew, thank god for that) and then trying to cover his own ass when he gets caught. Very easy to vilify.
Whenever I see a conversation starting to go the way of these comments, though, I can't help but try to jump in and if not be a voice of reason and dispassion, at least play devil's advocate. I suppose it's a fiction writer habit, but, generally speaking no character (or real human) does things for no reason.
Spryte's right, if they're going to save it, they need counseling. If she is boring in bed (the wife, not Spryte, obviously) by his standards, then, she is boring in bed. That doesn't mean she'd be boring to some new guy she met (where she happily single again) because likely she'd fire up some spontaneity again or whatever. Clearly they haven't been communicating. Now it's ugly. But my point is, for you fans of reason and humanity, marriage is never as easy as "So and So is an asshole" living in a vacuum with an angelic, perfect spouse. 50% - 50% culpability or someone is lying (either to you or to themselves).
Hey, what goes on in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, end of story.
Hear, Hear? Spryte and Shadesbreath
"(the wife, not Spryte, obviously)"
Thank you for clarifying that Shade, LOL!
Hey Spryte, how does Shade know that it is 'not Spryte obviously', have you two got somehing you want to tell us about?? :)
Seriously though, thanks for all the comments so far everyone. I have spoken with Sarah since this Hub was published, and it appears her Husband is now saying that he never was registered on any forum, and that it was 'a drunken prank' to say that he had been, and the whole conversation with this other girl never happened. He has told her he needed attention and was feeling fed up and as if Sarah didn't find him attractive sexually, so after a few too many beers he made this scenario up. Now whether this is or true or not is very hard to determine. On the one hand to say this now would be a very good way of getting out of being pressured into giving her the username and password, but on the other hand he has sworn on his Son's life, (something he apparently takes pretty seriously), that he is now telling the truth and that although he does visit the site in question to watch the free videos, he has never chatted with anyone on the site itself.
At the moment Sarah has decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and they have made up, but he is on a promise never to try any of these kinds of "wind ups" again, (if indeed it was just a sick joke).
We shall have to wait and see what happens now.
I am sorry but it is obvious that this man has something more to hide. If he has admitted to doing it, then she isn't paranoid or anything like that. But if I were her, I would have to ask myself a few questions:
1) If he lies about this, what else would he lie about?2) As someone else already posted, If he will go this far, how much farther will he go?3) If he is saying all this stuff to strangers, what MUST he be saying to people he trusts?4) Even if he gives up the username and password on this particular site, how many more does he have?5) If she lets this blow over, will she be able to trust him in the future?6) What effect will this have on your sex life with your husband? When the two of you are together, will you always be wondering if he is actually with you or some online porn star? If so, will this effect how you respond to him (or even IF you will respond to him).
This is not only something that can destroy their marriage but it can also destroy her self-esteem and any sexual attraction that she has left for him. I don't buy the "Boys will be boys" line of thinking. That is nothing but making excuses for bad behavior! Not only is this a total disrespect for this woman but it is also showing a total disregard for her mental welfare.
There are many cases of infidelity in relationships that have a good sex life at home (by both male and female), especially when porn addiction comes in to play. If this is the problem, then nothing this woman, or any other for that matter, does will ever be good enough to keep him satisfied and he will continue to display this disrespect to anyone who threatens his activities.
Whether she is boring in bed or whether she is sexually active or not is between the two of them and should be sacred. If he has a problem with her and he truly loves her then he should be talking to her and not some stranger. That is no way to treat a person that you (supposedly) love or even care for.
If she simply overlooks this and does not deal with it, she WILL be faced with this again and it will eventually progress, like any addiction. She should ask herself if she is willing to live with always wondering, always having to look over his shoulder and always questioning herself. She has to think about what this will do to her as a person and also if her self-esteem is strong enough to deal with it on a daily basis. Yes, she will think of it daily and she has to ask herself if she is strong enough to keep it from eventually destroying her.
I truly wish your friend the best of luck and I hope that her husband cares enough about her to see the damage that he is causing now as well as the damage he could do in the future.
And no, shadesbreath, not everyone takes their sexual life details outside the marriage. What happens in the bedroom should be between the couple, unless they need to discuss it with a professional, period!
Bonnie
Well, I guess we were posting at the same time. All we can do is wish her the best and hope he isn't lying again to avoid having to get into even more hot water. And I certainly do wish her the best!
Bonnie
Thanks Bonnie, I shall pass on the message, but no doubt she will read it here too as I am sure she will not relax for a good while yet.
For starters, I don’t think any of us here is in the position to give a sound and good advice. None of us know Sarah or her husband and all we have is this hub, which is YOUR representation of HER perception. No offense, but that’s what it is.
In addition, there’s a lot that we DON’T know. Does Sarah still love her husband? Is she more worried about her image within the community, her credibility if she doesn’t honour her ultimatum or does she herself seriously want to save this marriage?
What we can derive from this hub is that there are a number of issues.
Trust. The plain fact that Sarah has issued an ultimatum on that point shows that trust is seriously damaged. No relationship can survive is there is no mutual trust. It’s something they have to work on together. It’s not a simple matter of him having to win back her trust; she’s got something to do as well.
Privacy and personal space. Most people need their own personal space. A marriage is all about sharing, but not about sharing all. The girl-to-girl intimacies Sarah shares with her friends, like yourself are not shared with hubby. And for a good reason. It so happens that people differ. So even if you’d wanted to (which I don’t recommend) you simply can’t share everything. She will have to acknowledge that and grant him his personal space.
Communication. Obviously there will be limits. These too are very personal, which means you will have to express and agree on them. Just like they need to communicate about their desires, frustrations, irritations and joys.
Sex drive. It appears there’s a difference between them. It could well be ‘just’ the frequency, but I suspect it’s more than that. For their sake they really should look for ways to make sex more enjoyable for the both of them.
I think WE ALL hide something from our partners. We all have our little secrets or fantasies that we have never shared for fear to ridicule or any other reason. It is part of being an individual. I am not saying that the husband is rigth and your friend wrong, but being able to keep your own "secret garden" is part of having a good relationship.
In response to Bonnie Ramsey’s comment:
3) For many people it is easier to ‘confess’ or open up to people that they don’t know. The risk of this of course being that an anonymous person turns out to be someone that you do know. I can relate to the disclosure of intimate details to somebody online. I myself found it easier to discuss my marital problems with somebody I had never seen face to face. The anonymity fees safe and secure. So there’s a good chance that he won’t say a word to people he knows.
All good and valid points.
On a lighter note, she could always add bromide to his tea? (only joking! lol)
Personally I couldn't imagine my husband surfing porn sites, but if he did I'd trust him to have the good sense not to tell me, and to adequately cover his trail. I'm not saying that it's the right way to go on, just that there's some things I'd rather not know.
Very true Amanda, hey, I never thought of suggesting the bromide, now there's a plan :)
Misty -
:P
Shade is probably referring to Mr. Bunny.
A distinct possibility Spryte :)
Well Bonnie, I didn't get the memo that said you'd been given supreme moral authority and the power to dictate how other's lived their lives. I'll be sure to keep that in mind now whenever I contemplate how human beings on a broad scale live and have relationships. Thank god relationships can be boiled down to one person declaring to have the absolute truth, "period." In one short comment you've eliminated thousands of years of art, science and theology. Very impressive.
And, Misty and Spryte, I can only say :P with the utmost vehemence.
Wow, I caught my hubby once surfing porn and I got so upset! I am a bit retro I guess, because it bothered me a lot while I know other wives care less. However, chatting is more like interacting with them, it seems a bit over the normal watching and closer to actual cheating. She should talk to him and clearly understand why... not that she has fault for anything but at least try to find an explanation so they can work something out... I hope everything turns out ok for her!
I agree with what agvulpes said, "what goes in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom." Your friend shouldn't be focusing on what he said or didn't say, as what is done is done, even if I understand it must hurt. Apparently there is a problem in the relationship, and this could be their "wake up" call; trust seems to be lacking, and they should both seek professional counseling
-the wisest choice, as turning it into more drama will only make the situation worse. Just my thoughts.
I hope they do sort things out, and thank you for your advice and comments. Apparently so far so good, and he does seem truly relieved she has given him another chance. Obviously there are two sides to every story as Shades said, and I personally believe that this incident may be best put in the past for them without dwelling on it too much so that they can move forward and try to repair and underlying damage and trust issues in their marriage.
If he lies so much and she hates liars maybe he isn't the right man to her.
And he giving lame escuses to her probably means his chats maybe imply more than he said.
Now, don't be upset by what I'm going to say misty, but isn't it a little ankward you writing your friends story in the internet?
If she told you it was probably because you are a close friend and she wanted to be kept secret. If she's so good friend she must know of your sucess in Hubpages. maybe her husband knows as well. Imagine if he sees this hub, that could complicate matters even more!
Also that other girl that's suspicious, if she reads this then she just connects the dots and voilá, that man really is the company owner! What a mess would that be!
Just sharing my thought, don't hate me on this, k?
Best regards!
Thanks Profiler, I take on board your concerns, but find it very unlikely this other girl would find this Hub on Hubpages as,
1) She doesn't know for sure she has guessed the right person.
2) She certainly has no idea who I am as I could just be anybody in the world, so the odds of her coming across this hub are about as likely as her sticking a pin in a map and finding it.
With regards to Sarah's Husband:
1) Her Husband doesn't bother with Internet sites that involve a lot of reading, prefers more visual stimulation if you know what I mean! I don't think he is really in a position to complain even if he did find this Hub.
2) She knows this has been written by me and agreed for me to do it before I started as she knew I would not name names.
I really hope they can work it out, as most of his lies have not been malicious in the past, simply avoiding the rows that could be caused if his overspending or drinking etc came to light. Of course Sarah always finds out, and the row commences, but they usually make up in the end.
Thanks for your comments, and of course I don't hate you, all feedback is good. :)
I can see now that my comment/s could turn into a novel,......so I'll just say this,.........THE GUY IS A LIAR,,........he's self-obsorbed, inconsiderate, dishonest, unfaithful, cruel (by merely continuing to withhold "THE TRUTH") from his WIFE no-less! If it's actually what he's been doing then have the guts to own it! Do't continue the deceit and further the pain! How heartless and cowardly can you get? And to talk behind her back as well!!?? What? I say (especially since he's previously been warned of his lying) DUMP HIM! LET HIM HAVE HER! They deserve each other! Sooner than soon he'll be on the receiving end of such behavior! I feel for the wife and wish here all the luck in the world. She deserve better!
Thanks Sue, your input is appreciated and I guess we will just have to see how they get on since their latest heart to heart :)
Wowo, that's a lot of judgment about someone you don't even know...
To Shaedesbreath,
I never said I was the authority on anything to tell people how to live their lives. It seems to me that this hub asked for our opinions, which is what I gave, the same as you. I said that not everyone takes their intimate details outside the marriage. I also stated my opinion as the author asked. I also base the comment on the fact that I have witnessed several couples dealing with this same issue. I have seen first hand how destructive it can be to a marriage when these things are not discussed and dealt with by the couple themselves. The questions I said she needed to ask are hard ones but necessary. Some people can rebuild trust and others can't. Not quite sure how these statements have changed art, science and theology. My intention was to state my opinion as per requested based on personal experience with those I have witnessed. I had no idea that it called for any personal attack simply from stating an opinion.
Misty, I recomend that you read the book "Every Man's Battle", then evaluate if you should either: 1) Advise her from it or 2) Recomend to her to read it.
Thanks BD, but as far as I know they seem to be okay now. If this kind of problem materialises again I shall definitely do this. Thank you for the suggestion :)
Good!
Misty, there seems to be a good bit more that lies beneath the surface of all this, but if Sarah and her husband are doing fine now, then I hope the best for them both. I think the suggestions from the others regarding counseling is a good idea though.
I agree and have told her this Pam :)
Even though the situation seems to be resolved, and there's an agreement that it was a made-up story, the fact remains: a story about such a thing can precede the real thing. My advice is for couples counseling, and quick! Communication and honesty is the key to any relationship.
On another note, my husband looks at porn. He was honest about this from the start of our relationship, and we've discussed it. I am fine with it, but I also know he would never talk with any of the "girls", let alone discuss anything so personal as our sex life. Things like this have to be discussed between partners and decided upon so that no one feels betrayed (and, yes, betrayal can go both ways).
Thanks KT, all the points you make are good ones.
As I prepare to light myself on fire and open up for public ridicule, well as much as you can receive with a pseudonym....
I have frequented sites in a distant past to look at the pictures, flirt, and leave. I did not intend on leaving my wife for anything I saw on neither the website nor anywhere else. 20 years of faithful marriage speaks for itself. I have not allowed anyone and would not allow anyone to pull me away from my wife. I do not feel that I cheated on her because it was flirtation. I have grown past that and I do not allow myself to enter those dark passages. I hope I have matured past that point in my life….
Pornography is a thriving industry. That does not make it an excuse; just people can allow themselves to be enticed away from their spouses if they are not careful. Similar to the glances someone may have while with the girls on a girl’s night out or at the office. Pornography has a terrible hook and sometimes it costs you your job, your wife, and sometimes your life if you are not careful.
I agree he crossed the line talking about his wife’s lack of libido or his pent up desires. But, that to me was part of the game. He was simply walking in the fantasy realm. Men and women play games of cat and mouse. Sometimes it goes too far and sometimes it is detrimental to the relationship, I hope not in this case.
An argument must be made for him that she broke the commitment as well by mentioning their issues to Misty. Whether it was in flirtation or desperation, they were both telling marital secrets.
Fair comments Leopold, and thanks for making them as it is always worth having both sides of the case put forward :)
How am I doing?
Excellent GT, I am glad you found this okay and I so hope it helps you out ! :)
This problem in their marriage is NOT about Porn. It is more about the lies. It came to mind that he is a professed liar and if he lies that much then he probably is using the porn as a cover for something else. He knows his victim, unfortunately it is his wife Sarah. Counseling may not help with him or the marriage, but will do a world of good for Sarah. I hope that there are no children involved. She needs some self-esteem building.
Hi LG, thanks for stopping by. Sarah and her Husband seem to be okay right now, so I am keeping my fingers crossed he has learned his lesson and worked out his priorities. Don't worry, I shall be there for her if he fails her again, so she won't be alone.
Good, but you know it is very hard to gain trust back. She will always be wondering if he is lying.
I agree, and it may take years, if ever, before she fully trusts him again.
I saw join him.
Each to their own Nudevibes, I guess you might go where others would refuse to!
2x a week is not enough if you're under 40.
Thanks for the comment John, but it sounds very much like a male perspective to me :)
Misty
This is an interesting hub and again a lot more common than you or others might think. Porn has infiltrated the web to a point where anyone can get access easily. Once a guy sees just how easy it is to access and the material that is available to see, it can become like a child in the candy store with too much to choose from. The girls that run these sites can be very seductive and make a man that is loyal to his wife ordinarily be "unloyal" and consider the possibility of cheating.
I understand how you, or I mean Sarah might feel. She probably feels insecure about all of this and the girls on the have become a threat to her and her self esteem. Then it's the feelings of insecurity that develops later and becomes the focus point.
If Sarah wants this to end or she simply wants to get some control of this action, here is what she can do.
The girl above "Nudevibes" is on the right track. Sarah needs to stop being critical about her hubby and ease up the tension. If she makes her hubby feel like this is all ok he might not be so apt to hide his actions. It can also bring them "Sarah and hubby" close again. Then she can do one more thing for her added security. She can install and hidden software on his computer that allows her to track his activity online and then tell her hubby after she does this. She can be nice about it and just tell him that as long as he is open and up front and she is involved she will not get mad. But she has the ability to see where he's been and what's been said. Just that alone might stop his actions online.
Just my thoughts
Jeff
Hi Jeff,
Last I heard it was all sorted out and they were well and truly on the mend. Hopefully the trust is now back in their relationship, I shall ask her when we next catch up. Certainly I will suggest this software to her, but I guess if he has access to more than one computer that could get expensive.
Thanks for commenting here, it is always lovely to hear from you. :)
You are welcome and keep the hubs coming! I love reading them
Cheers, Jeff, So pleased you enjoy my work, and I always love your feedback :)
Hi Misty, I read this with interest and I know that it probably has as you say been resolved, but I think that the cracks cannot be papered over. At the end of the day he just does'nt love her enough full stop. If you love someone deeply it just does'nt happen whatever the reason he says. I understand the excitement going out of it, but it was the way he humiliated her that proves he does'nt really love her not the looking at porn. porn is a physical thing and what he did was a mentally hurtfull thing. Don't be surprised when she comes to you as says it is over with him. Even funnier, it will probably be her that will break up with him because she has found someone better! watch this space!! Nell
LOL Nell, well good point I agree, 'we shall see' as they say! Watch this space, if she does come to me and say that I shall post it here, promise! Thanks for feedback :)
Just_Rodney says:
15 months ago
This is an extremly sensitiv