So, I was laying here in my ghetto apartment in the 'big city' wondering to myself what the hell am I doing?  A mid-lifer with no retirement, chronic illness-nerve problems of course; and my only hope that my mother lives long enough so I don't lose the car she helped me buy on her credit.  My husband, my third husband is ... well, let's just say he's under-employed, no savings, trying to obstain from addictions as he's sitting on the couch watching cable as my life seeps into the matted floor boards.  I just can't stand it. 

I'm not a victim, although I am acquainted with being one legally about 8 years ago.  Lost one son tragically, but as I look in the rear-view mirror of my life, I realize he got off lucky at 11.  God rest his soul.  I couldn't have made it without Jesus.  All of it, the abuse, the drugs, recovery, wel-fare to work program-I've done it all.  I didn't want to leave my kids in daycare, I wanted to give the the right start, instead I left.  I couldn't stay in the river of denial.  So what's so diffrent now?

I don't buy the crud they try to sell me on TV cause it all looks so staged.  As if I could have wrote somthing more titilating more interesting.  Does Hollywood really think that we are that stupid that we need to have a naked woman run accross the scene just to keep us awake?  Media has dumbed us down so much that I can't even turn on a movie anymore!  Charactors are cliche and foolish; while men are dumbed down and women are sex topics. 

Does complacency come with age, or the other way around.  Fifteen is the new thirty!  My kids know more about life than I do!  Maybe it was the Sensimilla in the 80s, but at least I made it out alive, some of my friends were not so lucky. 

What's there to strive for now?  I still have relatively nothing except the clothes on my back, and the bachelor degrees I earned in 07.  Maybe my son's can sell them when I'm gone for food or exhange for a poor man's burial plot.