The BIG #1 - I think that is the main question one has to ask themselves; is the marriage too broken to fix? Are both people involved even willing to put in the enormous amount of effort it requires to fix a severely broken relationsip? Even for the kids? Is it do-able? Do you both WANT it BAD ENOUGH!?

Thoughts and Actions to consider:

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#2 - THE LIST - you both NEED to make a list redefining the relationship - can you; are you willing to? It takes both people. THAT is a for certain given. Are both people willing to really TRY and do what ever it takes?

#3 - Making promisies to work on it isn't going to help if the promise(s) are not kept by both parties. If you are a promise breaker or your mate is, don't count on that being helpful. Because I believe it takes a daily promise, a daily commitment to put each other FIRST.

#4 - Can old dogs learn new tricks? Even 25 year old habits CAN be changed but again, is going it take serious commitment, HARD work and a lot of effort. And how do you know what needs changing? I recommended to a friend that her and her mate each make that list of the Major peeves, the little stuff is just that - little - and at this juncture isn't even woth mentioning - so what if she leaves the lid off the toothpaste?

BIG DEAL? NOT.

#4 1/2 - You really do have to ASK for what you NEED. Nobody is a mind-reader. If it doesn't come easy for you to do this - you need to learn. Write it all down - Title it - What di I Need? Thinking about the things you need FROM your mate to actually *HAVE* a working relationship/partnership. Here are some examples:

I NEED to be hugged at least once every day.

I NEED for you to tell me where you are going when you leave.

I NEED for you to ask me how I am doing or how was my day?

I NEED for you to show me affection (ex: bring me flowers once in awhile.)

#5 - If you are reading this because you are(were) the major screw-up in the marriage - at least you must seem to care enough to want to know what to try to do about it. Example: substance abuse; if you have been drinking alot or drugging, chances are that has been playing a major role in the mess you find yourself in. But if you are beating yourself up over it, STOP IT! You CAN change!

If you have gotten help, quit and cleaned up your act - you have done a lot. If your mate cannot get over it - (I mean hay, it IS going to take some TIME) but say it's been 3 - 5 years, you are clean and sober...and they are still treating you with total lack of trust, respect, etc...then that NEEDS to be on the list.

If they are not willing to TRY really hard to get over it, get some help to get past it and MOVE ON, it is pretty dang difficult to move ahead with your own happiness while they are stuck in the past you mainly created but have left behind. WHO can or wants to live in their own ugly past? NOONE - and if your mate is a constant reminder of that On Purpose - that has to stop.

The important thing here to remember is that YOU cleaned up YOUR side of the street and that is ALL you are responsible for. But your mate DOES need to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your past behaviours, how they have affected them. Acknowledge the damage your behaviour has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental health and emotions. And they have to be ready (feel safe) enough to do this.

#6 - Do NOT violate or try to control your mate by withholding affection! This is a huge betrayl. "nuff said."

#7 - Is your relationship based at all on fairness of any sort? Does one of you work and the other just sit around? Does one of you control the money? You have to ask to buy a case of pop? CONTROL is a Huge issue. Get it on the list if any part of CONTROL is damaging one of the people in the relationship.

#8 - COMMUNICATION - key key key; if you can't talk with out a) a fight breaking out b) one of you walking away - then you have a MAJOR issue right there because communication is the KEY - as I said before - no one is a mind-reader.

#9 - If either of you believe that sex is intimacy, you are wrong. Read it again. In my opinion, sex is the **RESULT** of a wonderful intimacy already built. If you don't know what that means - research it - PLEASE.

#10 - In my research I found this from a really old guy and I think I will end this with it - my #10 - I think it is just - well, rather mysterious and certainly worth a try! (Even though it rather flies in the face of everything I have suggested!! Hay! I'm open-minded!

His name is Homer and here is his website:

http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/125.htm

He says:

Now here are the elements, ideas, strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.

Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.

Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind.

And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.

Agree with their negative feelings - whatever they are.

"Yes, this relationship is hopeless."

"Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct."

Do not defend yourself.

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.

So...there is what I have - please feel free to add to this via the comment box; I would LOVE to hear more - especially things that have worked for other people!

Melanie