How do you forgive a spouse who has cheated on you?
77Forgiveness
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To forgive is a GREAT selfish act of self-preservation!
1. You need time to think; don't make any *rash* calls you will regret.
2. While you are thinking - somewhat rationally - you need to decide...but again; not rashly - it takes time - perhaps a seperation helps.
Do you WANT to forgive them and still have a relationship? It appears that you do because you asked HOW, not if you should, etc.... In that case; these are the things I would recommend and have seen work & done as well.
One hubber answered this question and said:
" Forgiving is realizing that we all come short of perfection through our actions..." the divine route - God stuff/mercy, etc...
================
I say:
===============
The MAIN thing is, if we don't forgive, it only hurts US!! It doesn't hurt the person we are resenting - it eats US alive, not them. SO we forgive to be free - we have suffered enough.
To forgive is a selfish act of self-preservation!!
3. At first, as you know if it has happened to you, it rather feels like someone has DIED once you get over the initial shock/anger/betrayl/etc...parts.
Once you realize YOU didn't do it and nobody died and it ISN'T your fault - you may then experience the *DeadZone*; I know for my sister-in-law it took her 2 YEARS to get past it and she Did stay in the same house but he worked out of town. She expressed the feeling as - "It felt like someone I loved had died."
4. You must decide if you want to fix it-the both of you. Talking about it rationally and honestly - getting everything out on the table - why it happened, one night stand, long term affair? Long-term is MUCH harder to deal with and far more complex issues. It is not a one-sided (excuse the pin) affair, no matter HOW much you want to believe/think it is.
5. Learning the root cause is important - a neutral professional party is often VERY helpful as emotions generally are running high. If the cheater will not go to counseling, etc...with you - well, you have your answer - leave it. It can't work if they are not willing to try and to meet you at least half way. That they are, in fact, really SAD this happened; not sad they got caught! That they are truly deeply sorry and you *know* it.
There is Anger and betrayl on one side; and (assuming the cheater is usually Not a cheater and a decent person) - they feel shame and guilt. This is an enormous amount of emotion to get through and TIME and WORKing on it is KEY.
If the cheater shows or feels no remorse - I say it's a doomed relationship on any marital level. Leave it.
5. How much do you love/like them? IMPORTANT! I know people who stay together *for the kids* or their assets. If that is why - probably leave it. It isn't easy but how much does happiness mean to you?
Bottom line I feel, If you both really DO love each other - you CAN heal - IF you can figure out what went wrong; why it happened. EVERYONE makes mistakes....this all really hinges on how both parties FEEL being totally HONEST.
6. BIG - if you do choose to end it - find a way to LEAVE the Resentment or it will eat you alive. Resentments only hurt you - not the person you are resenting -- they have hurt you enough by now - don't let it fester and have resentment/revenge on your mind - it only hurts YOU and YOU have been hurt enough...no need to hurt Yourself by this further.
I would LOVE to see this expanded on in the comments - I will add good stuff to the hub article! :}
Good luck and may you heal - either way you really DO get to decide.
Best regards, Melanie
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Comments
Tinyteddy - she asked HOW -
How do you forgive a spouse who has cheated on you?So she must WANT to. Not a matter of *should* - that is a personal choice. One only needs to feel comfortable about it.
Melanie
I've decided that forgiveness IS the answer, the ONLY answer.
I'm not saying to stay in the relationship - THAT is a totally seperate issue.
You can stay and forgive.
You can leave and forgive.
One has really not much to do with the other. I have figured this out from 3 different things.
The ONE comment this whole hub generated shows me too that people probably seem to reason taht the two go together but they don't - not at all!
It is even great to forgive and you can still love a person and move on - leave and get on with living your life. What you DON'T need is to be carrying around 4 tons of resentment on your back because not forgiving does that and it only hurts YOU. It hurts you and no one else really.
I don't think it is even possible to not forgive (which is to hold a grudge) and NOT have a resentment.
And...resentments eat us alive from the inside out....
I may just have to write another hub on this topic....
Melanie
I discovered less than a month ago that my husband was carrying on an affair for 5 months with a co-worker. This was a full blown affair of the heart and mind, including sex, and they expressed their love for one another. I believe they even discussed his exit strategy from our marriage, although he never could bring himself to leave.
We've been married for 15 years and have 2 beautiful children: 7 and 9. I've always said I would NEVER stay with a cheater, but let me tell you! You DON'T KNOW UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU. I'm desperate to keep my marriage and family together. Despite the unthinkable wrong he has done, I still love him. Or is it just that I am completely unprepared to be a single mother alone and watch my husband run off with another woman??
He acts very remorseful and has huge guilt. We've been seeing a therapist and he is diligently looking for a new job so he can sever contact with her. He says he wants to keep the marriage together and loves me, but I know he is still pining for her. He thinks he fell in lover with her, but I feel it is lust and that he just misses the "fantasy" life he created.
Am I out of my mind for wanting to stay with this man and save my family? Will we ever be able to regain intimacy in our relationship? Since I discovered the affair, he has been unable to perform in bed with me.
I have gone through all the range of emotions: shock, anger, deep despair, depression, anxiety and have lost 10 pounds in just a few weeks.
Dearest hpfaff - you asked:
Am I out of my mind for wanting to stay with this man and save my family?
NO, You are NOT nuts. Don't let anyone tell you different!!!
"Will we ever be able to regain intimacy in our relationship? Since I discovered the affair, he has been unable to perform in bed with me. "
Maybe not, his lack of erection is due to guilt and unless you are up to the task of loving him truly - deeply - madly - he probably will have this problem very long term.
BUT - the fact IS - how much of that so called *intimacy* was REAL?
"I have gone through all the range of emotions: shock, anger, deep despair, depression, anxiety and have lost 10 pounds in just a few weeks."
Yes Hon, you are NOT ALONE. I know EXACTLY what you mean.
Try HARD to make the kids you have as happy as possible. THEY are what matters right now.
Men all to often think with their little heads, not the one on their shoulders.
WRITE to me ANYTIME!
Melanie
Melanie,
Thank you for your comments. It helps me a lot to interact with others who understand my plight. It is torture every day living through this, particularly as my husband is still working with the other woman.
I feel like a caged animal on a treadmill. Staying with him is causing me great pain, particularly as he continues to work with the other woman. If I ask him to leave, I know he will finally feel the sense of loss (of his family) that he has not had to deal with, but I'm unwilling to risk losing him to this other woman. She is waiting in the wings like a vulture.
I can only pray that something happens to change the "status quo"!
Any experiences or successes that can be shared are appreciated.
This is getting really personal for you - would you like to email back and forth privately about this situation?
I do feel I have some solid advice for you - I just don't want you to have your *heart on your sleeve* on line for all the world to see--you know what I mean??
Anyway - post here again and let me know and you can always hit the
"contact privateye2500" button on the right side of this hub page which should put us in touch privately.
OK!?
Hang in there!!
I'll be watching for your post.
One PS - I SAID:Maybe not, his lack of erection is due to guilt and unless you are up to the task of loving him truly - deeply - madly - he probably will have this problem very long term.
and you said:
Staying with him is causing me great pain, particularly as he continues to work with the other woman. If I ask him to leave, I know he will finally feel the sense of loss (of his family) that he has not had to deal with, but I'm unwilling to risk losing him to this other woman. She is waiting in the wings like a vulture.
So--If she is a vulture and just wants your money - that isn't going to happen - if you divorce him - YOU don't LOSE - You have to remembe that!!!! You WIN if you look at it that way.
Also, just how honest has he been with you about *her*? Does he fully admit there is an affair going on or is it like pulling teeth to get info?
I mean - do you still sleep in the same Bed with this guy?? If you are still having sex, you NEED to make him wear a condom because you don't know what the **vulture** as you call her *has*. You are sleeping with everyone SHE has ever slept with.
How many at home kids do you two have?
I'm sorry - you see, this is why we need to get this OFF the board and talk privaetle. IMO
My wife confessed her affair to me two nights ago. I started writing up the divorce papers today. What's worpped about this, is that I love her so completely-but I feel like I have to stay true to my word-that I would divorce her if she ever cheated-but now I know it's easier said than done. And the emotions-I can't make heads or tails of them! She asked me not to file for divorce, and says thaT SHE loves me, and that I'm a wonderfull husband-BULL****. How can I ever tust her again?
So my question is this. By filling for divorce, even though we love each other, Is pride getting in the way? I'm thinking that I need to stick to my pricables, if I can't do that, then what do I have?
This isn't my first rodeo-I know how a divorce works, and what it does to the kids (I'm concerned about our 8 year old boy growing up without his mother around).
Dear cruisertrek - yes, that really really S**KS!
She probably DOES think you are a wonderful husband and you probably ARE.
Is pride getting in the way? Yes and no. I would REALLY take some time to cool off and think this through carefully but don't live together while you are doing it.
I say that because then *sex* and the habit routines all come into play and then you can never make a real decision based on facts. I hope that makes sense to you - that PLUS it is just too bloody PAINful to live together during this kind of time.
How long have you been married??? Is she the mom of your 8 year old??
Is this her first affair?
Did she tell you why?
Answers to these kinds of questions help.
Melanie (I'm sorry - I also know your pain; been there-done that-)
I found out a week ago that my husband had a been seeing a girl that works next door to his office. The sad part is, is that it was our son caught him when they went out of town, my son noticed that his dad had been texting and talking to someone that wasn't mom. So one night my son forwarded me all the text messages off his dads cell phone. My son is very protective of me, and it took a lot of gutts for him to send me those messages.
When I spoke to my husband, he denied it but I had proof. He said that he had been trying to break up with me for a month already. I went a couple of days with out talking to him, he called often, but I didn't answer. I cried very often because I have always loved him, He broke my heart. I have stood by my husband through a lot. By no means did I deserve this. I guess no one does.
My question is my heart still hurts and I am angry, I do love him, but what he did was wrong everyone tells me to leave him, and if he loves me he will be back a better man. That he needs to feel the pain of loss to realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I am affraid to loose him, but I guess he wasn't affraid to loose me or he wouldn't have done what he did. Right?
He wants to work things out. He says he's sorry and it was a mistake. That he doesn't want to loose me but he doesn't want to argue about what has happened in the past. If that is whats going to happen then he is not willing to be in the relationship. I'm Confused. He has to realize that I can't always bite my tongue, there is going to be days when it hurts. My heart tells me to stay, but my mind tells me to go. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy. I want to wake up and not hurt. I don't eat or sleep well.
Do I listen to my Heart or to My Mind???????
Dear Confused - Here are my opinions since you did ask.
My question is my heart still hurts and I am angry, I do love him,
>>OF COURSE your heart hurts and you are angry - perfectly Normal!
but what he did was wrong everyone tells me to leave him, and if he loves me he will be back a better man. That he needs to feel the pain of loss to realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
>>>My belief is that from what you say, he is only Sorry that he got CAUGHT. Period.
I am affraid to loose him, but I guess he wasn't affraid to loose me or he wouldn't have done what he did. Right?He wants to work things out. He says he's sorry and it was a mistake.
>>You said he wanted to tell you he wanted to leave you for a MONTH. He's, once again, sorry he got caught! If you live in a 50/50 split divorce state; he probably stands to lose a lot unless you have a lot of money yourself. MOST men want their cake and eat it too.
That he doesn't want to loose me but he doesn't want to argue about what has happened in the past. If that is whats going to happen then he is not willing to be in the relationship. I'm Confused. He has to realize that I can't always bite my tongue, there is going to be days when it hurts. My heart tells me to stay, but my mind tells me to go. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy. I want to wake up and not hurt. I don't eat or sleep well.Do I listen to my Heart or to My Mind???????
>>>At this time your heart is Totally unrealiable!!!!! Fear of change is normal too. If I were you, I would be concerned for your son. He probably would REALLY benefit from counseling; youi both would!! It REALLY does help!!
The old saying once a cheater, always a cheater has been proven to me in my life to be 98% accurate be it the man or the woman. Bottom line is though - NO ONE else can tell you what to do but if you DO take him back, you WILL need counseling as biting your tounge will blow up in YOUR face one day - not his.
It *sounds* like you have been married a long time - that makes it harder too - that fear of change, being alone, starting over, etc.....SO many things. But sometimes we have to take the bull by the horns; it is times like these that show us what we are REALLY made of.
Best regards. M/
I just found out that my husband to be has been cheating. We have a 5 month baby and this is how long they have been seeing each other. I knew he was cheating but all he would say is that I was crazy until I found out. Now I feel really betrayed because I have been a really good person to him and this is how he repays me. He says that he is sorry that it will never happen again, how do I know this is true.
Dear Mary - In MY opinion - a 5 mo. affair is totally different than a *1 nite stand* -- there is an emotional commitment involved in an affair.
I would not believe him ever...EVER; Especially under the circumstances you describe.
Sorry but that is what I TRULY believe, have seen time and again and know to be true.
My husband had a one-night stand 4 years ago. Yes, it's been 4 years and it still pains me. He was on a business trip and told me about it when he returned. I think the only reason why he told me is that he thought he had caught something. How am i ever going to trust him again? What really upsets me is that I have been on a million business trips, I get hit on ALL THE TIME, and have never, ever thought of cheating on him. We now have a baby together and sometime I wonder if i have stayed with him so I could have a child. We really need to go to counseling, but he has gotten promoted and is always home too late to go anywhere. What am I to do?
This is one of the most interesting hubs that I've ever read, not just the article, but the comments. Your response is also so interesting. I'm intrigued, I must read more.
Freta -
Personal experiences give people LOTS of insight!
Thank you for reading me!
You sure are a beautiful lady!
Melanie
Dear Sad and Hurt; I am So Sorry I did not reply to you!!
And as Always, these are all just my opinions from years of life and marriage(s) and divorce(s)...
What I think is this. That after FOUR entire years you still can't forgive or trust him; get out. Something is telling you you cannot trust him and if everytime he goes away it's on your mind; you are simply killing yourself with stress.
What kind of a relationship is that?
Staying together for the baby is not the answer. Better to get out before the baby gets older as then it is SO hard on the kids.
Today - I am going to write a hub about TRUST and what it REALLY IS.
Stay tuned...
Best regards to all you broken hearts out there.
Melanie
okay , here goes ...one year ago(OCT 2008) i caught my husband texting his lover. He claims to have had a secret all- consuming "friendship " for one year that progressed onto a total sexual ,emotional relationship for a total of 2 years .
History : we are together 20 years , married 18 . We have 3 beautiful , incredibly talented children . Now , 16,12 and 5 . We were the envy of all our family and friends . My husband 42,and i were inseparable .we stood by eachother through thick and thin . He is a hard -worker , generous and gorgeous charming man VERY affectionate ,very involved and loving dad. The best catch ! I am 39 ,beautiful , very smart ,masters degree, in graet shape , loving ,supportive. We shared religious values , ideas everything .we were crazy for eachother.
( one year before meeting the other woman )My husband seemed like he was getting bored , burned out ect.... our youngest was 1 at the time . I wanted to be there for him . i am very sexual (very very ) i tried unburdenung him with finances , being supportive ect.... ( literally bending over backwords !!)
things just kept getting worse , i did alot of the female "dont dos" , like talking things out for both of us ect,,,lecturing , threatening , crying ,,,and we started to drift .... this went on for 12 months ......(he claims prior to his affair) the house slowly started to become tense , happy times far and fewer between , my son who was a star athlete , a+ student , descrbed feeling depressed anxious ect...
(oct 2006) he claims is when he met the other person .the house strarted to get into more disrepair, my husband flat out stopped sleeping with me . money was not coming in like before ,My son started to do worse in school , bad friends , my husband turned into a cold , distant, mean stranger . I asked him DAILY , #1 Do you still love me ? do you want a separation ? are you having an affair ? are you gay ? He wwould be so angry and insulted and say , i am burned out , i am exhausted i cant deal wwith this i need space . let me concentrate on work for our future !all im asking of you is to be supportive !
I cried myself to sleep nightly ,but i became super martyr ! i am in this for the long haul , focus on not giving him any stress . well, my sons situation deterorated so badly , i got into personal financial debt , and was dying inside i cant describe how i felt because i'll start to cry , but the pain was sharp , intense and all- consuming .
somehow ??? hubby seemed calm , relaxed , happy ., confident . i thought i was a nut -job ! i was breaking apart. insecure . anxious . taking my husband to dr.s ? maybe he had prostate cancer ? why else cant he get an erection ?i was so worried about his health that i couldnt sleep and IM the one with a pre-cancer condition !
after i caught my husband (oct. 2008), this is his version : he was very depressed , business was bad (true ) he felt very stressed . we were not getting along , he felt very bad about himself , his life , like a real loser . he met this woman who convinced him a friendship is normal and healthy and he should be able to do what he wants at his age . she needed his help with work ect... he said around her he felt like a star . gorgoeus ,sexy , it was a thrill . and he loved being her hero and she was really hot !! he baecame addicted to her . and it progressed . He says he didnt feel actual love , more lust , sex was good ,obsession , sexual . he felt happy , like on a vacation . he had no future plans with her .
he also says he felt very guilty , confused , didnt have much in common with her ,wanted his cake and eat it to . tried breaking up with the woman but just couldnt, wouldnt ,always went back ..
Now ,once caught, he did sever ties with her quite abruptly and she wasnt too pleased . he threatened to call police if she didnt stop calling him . told her he never loved her was never going to leave me .he changed all his numbers , cel , office , e-mails .( to me,,, this is BS.. he seemed like he was going through withdrawal and it did take 6 months to really get rid of all the loose ends , e-mail accounts . he also waffled alot and needed time to heal bull****^%^#$$@#) he says , he felt relief at being caught and horrible shame and guilt to face up to everyone for what he had done.
now ,he leaves computers opened ect... transfered every penny to me . drafted legal documents to me that would put him in the poor house if he left me . he is begging , going to counselling , reading books , trying to be there for me , for us . He is beyond remorseful . he is his old self but even better ? It actually all seems genuine, he swears he was temporarily insane , bad place , bad time . he has a history of excellence ! he says he will make me the happiest woman ever or will die trying . still begs for forgiveness ... i cant think of one thing he isnt doing ....
My son now in a rehab program . my husband has never left his side or mine (take that with a grain of salt ). he is working like a dog to try to repair the house and the finances . i am a wreck . i am jealous ,is it possible he didnt love her ? he also only admitted to whatever he was caught to . my ego and confidence shattered . the woman he was with is 5'8 , never had kids aerobics instructer , im hot ,,,, but ?? im ssooo beyond hurt ,angry , confused , im scared of making the wrong decision . i know i love him .is that normal ? i am a coward . iam scared to be alone and i wont . so , whats wrong with me ? do i actually love him ? can i trust him again? he lied about EVERYTHING including business , not just her in those 2 years . will we ever heal ? can our relationship be better ? or is he a sicko that just got caught , loves me and the kids superficially and doesnt want to see all he worked for up in smoke ?
i actually feel selfish for thinking about myself and my happiness while my son is suffering and my husband is trying so hard .... i obviously need help..i made an appointment , what advice do you have for me ?
signed , overwhelmed
Dear Gabrielle:
Nearly everything I';ve said above to others I believe also applies to your situation with one little exception.
You have put this man on a pedestal....
NOBODY belongs on one. If you can take him off of there in your minds eyes; maybe you will gain some true perspective on the situation.
You said: "or is he a sicko that just got caught , loves me and the kids superficially and doesnt want to see all he worked for up in smoke ? "
...Time will tell...that and getting him off the pedestal - as well as one other thing...Please (and you are not going to probably like this) PLEASE stop being a bit of a doormat for the man, ok?
A LOT of your story says doormat to me - no 50/50; not even CLOSE.
We CAN hang on....but should we? Do we look in the mirror and FEEL self-respect????
Best regards, M/
i am not surprised that you have picked up on something that i think needs major addressing .... ME ... where is my self -respect ? who am I ? what do I want ? i know this journey is all about me .. It's MY life aand only I can find my joy and decide what the "bar " is . I am working very hard on getting help and working toward empowering myself ... I was NEVER a victim my whole life , something went wrong and IIII let it happen and III can make it stop !!
I also will wwork my way toward "letting go " forgiveness " ect... for myself . i've been down painful roads before , its an incredible survival skill !
What i'm sstruggling with is : is this relationship worth saving ? do you know copules that have gone on to reconnect and live happy lives after an event like this ? am i being totally conned and naive ? (yes ,time will tell )
i never realized i put him on a pedastal ? i thought i was trying to be fair , and not re-write history because i am angry and hurt . i was a doormaat extraordinaire what he did was evil , but on the flip being the martyr was self-serving (i said i was a coward ) but i never tolerated bad behaviour once i found out and set strict bounderies until i would decide what i wanted .......
if i take care of myself first , and feel honored , i think i can regain my self respect , time will tell,
but waht about your experience in staying and working it out assuming i get up there on the pedastal with him and feel good about myself ?
Yep, what do you really truly want that will give you inner peace and serenity?
BTW - Neither of you belong on the pedastal....
Working it out is never easy - you know the old saying; but if you want to try to then what do you have to further lose? You already sound pretty smashed up.
So long as you work on YOU TOO or better yet FIRST and DURING counseling or whatever.....
You have to remember - as you said. This is YOUR life.
So far as we know, it's the only one we've got...
Melanie, this is sound advice in any circumstance regarding forgiveness. Well rounded article, nice work!
Ben
Gabrielle - please come back and post! What has happened?
Concerned - Melanie
Thank you Ben, glad you appreciated this.
I enjoy writing hubs. I like to give information - even if it is only my opinion or thoughts on a topic.
I also find it a calming outlet.
Best regards, Melanie
Melanie, I came across your article when i googled 'how to forgive my husband for cheating'. My story is a bit different from these. My huband and I have been married for a year and a half, together for almost 7, and we have a 4 year old daughter. In March of this year, I found out that he had joined this online mobile community, had met some girls, and was chatting, texting, sending/receiving pics. I confronted him and he was shocked that I found out...he was silent and it took a couple days to get answers from him. I was completely devastated...this is a man that I love more than life itself, someone who I gave all trust to and would have never, in a million years, thought he would do something like this. After I caught him doing this, he was remorseful, but told me he felt like our "sexual" relationship wasn't there. So, being a "good" wife, I gave him more. I started sending him pics on his phone, and just being more frisky. In September I found out he was doing it again...this time I was shocked, but more mad than anything. He said some really hurtful things like "you can just leave" and "you wouldn't make it without me", etc. and that I act like I'm miserable and I bring him down. Eventually he said sorry, and we decided to work on our relationship. Nothing changed...even though he says he changed, I didn't see anything. He didn't do anything to gain my forgiveness. And then, low and behold, 3 days ago, I found out he was doing it again! This time his excuse is that our relationship is "dead", he doesn't feel like we are a couple, I don't show him enough affection, he gives and I don't return it. Its a crock...I bend over backwards for him and our daughter. I am a damn good wife, and anyone I know will agree. I am to the point of numbness...the thought of him makes me sick. I'm not sure I can move on and forgive him. He said he doesn't want counseling...just wants us to start acting like a couple again. The problem is...what about me? So, I move on, giving him the attention he needs not to stray, but what about my broken heart? How do I forgive him? I'm not even sure what I want from him at this point. How am I supposed to show more affection to a man that has abliterated my heart? Help please :(
First - *everybody* thinks their story is different. Sure - They all have different components and dynamics, but they essentially - bottom line - Not different at all! They are all relationships in crisis...for whatever reason.
===================
Dear Meg - whoa, as in whoa - slow done, my head is spinning. Let me get this straight. FIRST he is cheating and telling you your relationship is DEAD - then saying we'll work on it but won't go to counseling, then saying it's ALL YOUR FAULT and that he has *changed*...?
You don't even know what he was doing before March - he perhaps just had not got *caught* yet. Now, it would appear he doesn't care if he is caught or not...why? Because You are Taking it. In my opinion, you are being a bit of a doormat (sorry sweetie-but you need to stop that!)
He may have changed alright but certainly by what you are
saying Not in any way Beneficial to your relationship.
THEN - he says - He wants the two of you to start acting like a couple again...?? Out of the Blue? After being so hurtful and mean...still expecting sex (actually demanding it) and you Comply...? Do you see why I say doormat?
I am TRES' Confused by all of this.
For me - this is the ranting of a man who is not only terribly Self-Absorbed and Callous; but delusional.
Where is your little girl supposed to fit into this mess? Doesn't sound like he mentioned her once.
He said: "you can just leave" and "you wouldn't make it without me".
How about: *Yes, I CAN leave! (as in standing up for yourself)THEN, only you can decide what comes after the Yes, I CAN leave...you leave, you stay and stop acting like a doormat, you leave and seperate, or get divorced from Mr. "You can't make it on your own"...well guess what...HALF of what he thinks is HIS is half YOURS. PERIOD.
You need to really think about this, your child...that is a wmajor event to consider - age 4 is better IMO than her ggetting older -m you staying and her growing up watching her father treat her mommy like - ummmm. a DOORMAT or worse; as in my experience - from what you have Described - these things tend to escelate and get worse with time.
Think, talk to someone you can trust and DON'T be eembarrassed, etc...sure you feel humiliated - But REMEMBER - this is HIS SHIT, not yours. HE is the one (sounds like from what you've said) that is sick and needs help.
You CANNOT fix him. NOONE can *fix* another human being; it is not possible.
Please write back with more details, especially on how YOU feel, NOT on how you are trying so hard to please this man. How do you FEEL about this. You did mention angry.
IMO, you have a lot of thinking to do...and while you are doing it - maybe he should be sleeping in the den WITH his Computer. ;}
STAY STRONG - DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE ABUSED.
Melanie
well, last saturday my husband told me he had a drunken one night stand 8 months ago when he went to an out of state class for his work. he says he didn't know the woman, and had never seen or talked to her before, and that he hasn't since. (he also said the sex was "bad and short" and that she was overweight!). he says that it was tearing him up inside and he had to tell me, but i just feel like everything since then has been a lie. even though he says he really does love me and wants me to stay with him i'm just not sure i can ever look at him without picturing him naked with another woman. not to mention how am i ever supposed to be intimate with him again. he claims that is the only time this ever happened, but how do i know he's telling me the truth. if i stay with him isn't that just giving him free reign to do it again. I love my husband very much. we're young (both 24, although it happened when he was 23) we've only been married for 2 and a half years and i was really looking forward to the next 50 years of our life together. i'm just so lost because right now the idea of forgiving him and ever trusting him again is so unfathomable. don't know what to do.
...What were the circumstances under which he told you?
Like, where were you? Doing what? Was he drinking? etc...?
We were at home cooking dinner and having a bonfire in the backyard. We both had had a glass or two of wine, but we weren't drunk. He told me he felt horribly guilty and shameful, that it was the worst thing he's ever done in his life. He also said he felt I deserved to know, and that he wanted our relationship to be as good and strong as possible and that it couldn't be if it were based on deceit. So I guess that's why he finally told me. Since then he has called both his mom and my mom to confess and apologize (he knew I would need to talk to my mother about it). He also immediately suggested going to therapy to try to work through it and we just had our first session today, but it seemed like the counselor didn't have much to say. He says if I want to leave him I would be completely justified, but that he thinks it would be a great disservice to us both if we didn't do everything we can to try and get through it first.
"He told me he felt horribly guilty and shameful, that it was the worst thing he's ever done in his life. He also said he felt I deserved to know, and that he wanted our relationship to be as good and strong as possible and that it couldn't be if it were based on deceit."
2 schools of thought come to mind here:
#1 - Valid in the - good and strong as possible - can't be if it based on deceit.
BIG BUT HERE...
#2 - I am of the STRONG opinion that NOONE has the right to *clear their conscience* BY hurting other people!!!
If you would have NEVER found out - he could have gone to therapy and worked it out himself...ergo - NOT hurting you, your mom, His mom, etc...
I do not Promote lieing by Omission, however, people just IMO don't have the right to hurt others to clean their side of the street.
It's a tough one and I agree with your new marriage counselor.
Also - would you Rather have Not known???
Honestly?
In regards to him telling me to get it off his chest, he said he had at first googled what to do and found an article that said if you're truly sorry and won't do it again, then don't tell her because that's selfish-you just have to live with what you did. So he stuck with that for a long time, but recently we had a somewhat candid conversation and I told him that if ever an indiscretion like this came up I would rather he clear the air as soon as possible so that I can start working through a response. In short, the honesty is more important to me even if it means feeling such deep intense pain as I do now. Not to mention if I had ever found out without him telling me it would have been over, no question. I do think it has something to do with respect for me as his spouse and as a woman.
I would also like to note that I found this hub searching for a path to true forgiveness. Clearly there are two choices: stay and try to trust again, or leave and be done with it. Either way I need for forgive his actions for my own well-being. This is what I am currently struggling with. Sure the thought of him currently makes my skin crawl, but in all likelihood that will fade with time. I think we were both naive, and our big mistake was thinking that this could never happen. We had no boundaries or guidelines in place in regards to each others interactions with the opposite sex. That being said, I stayed true and he did not. But I don't think my judge of character is so awful that he has just been playing me this entire time. I believe this is the only time it ever happened, and I believe he is truly sorry. I have done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, and I'd like to believe that people deserve a second chance--certainly not a third in this respect, but a second to prove they are a better person than that. I'm just hoping for advice and suggestions on how to find peace, especially at this time of year.
Dearest BigFeather - I feel the most important idea you have here is this: "Either way I need for forgive his actions for my own well-being."
THAT is so true IMO.
You said also " I don't think my judge of character is so awful that he has just been playing me this entire time."
I felt that way as well--but I was wrong. That is the main theme of people; we really never know another person. We rarely even know our ownselves.
I have to *check MY motives* and question them on a regular basis to make certain they are not selfish, etc...
If you believe in *Great Spirit* - then perhaps with your own words having been written above - that may be your way to your own answer to this.
No one can make this decision for you - you already know that. More than all else, I hope for you a healing heart my friend. ;}
Best to you and your mate.
Melanie
tinyteddy says:
2 years ago
should you ?
if it is a breach of trust no
if it has happened becuase of your negligence move on