I'm one of those "stuck in their ways" grandparents. I live with my daughter and son-on-law and three boisterous, messy, creative, absolutely wonderful grandchildren.

Why am I doing this? I have always been close to all of my grandchildren and when their parents were about to leave Washington State and go to California, my husband and I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that we would go wherever they were. We did not want to be long distance grandparents and there simply wasn't any other solution that wouldn't have shattered our hearts.

For the first two years in California we lived alone for the first time in our lovely, quiet condo. Sure the grandchildren visited, but it was a horribly boring life. Our solution was to agree to all purchase the perfect multi-family home in a tree-lined neighborhood with good schools, parks, shopping and close enough for us to all get to work.

We decided that this move would be financially a very good idea, but most of all, we felt that with four adults in the home we wouldn't have to send the children out to babysitters. Someone would always take them to school and someone would be there to pick them up every single day. So mutually we moved into a decent sized home - we have the whole upstairs and they the downstairs with shared space as required.

It isn't always heaven, but it works well if the people who want to do this work at it. We are older and we like order, peace and our television up a little louder to accommodate age related hearing loss. Sometimes we must be reminded of this, so we retreat to a better room where we don't bother anyone. But those who remind us aren't snarling or frothing at the mouth - they are gentle and we reciprocate.

We'd love to have a generally cleaner home, but our small children are shoe shuckers and off they come, flipping right and left. Papers cascade off the tables, refrigerators open and slam and the snack time after school is commenced. Dishes are left around and it usually requires a clean up before we start our respective dinners. We compromise.

My son-in-law and I who are the primary cooks agreed we needed to re-do our kitchen area shortly after we moved in. Passing space had to be two and half tushies wide - no bumping booties here. Our food prep space had to be big enough to include a grandchild or two working with us at a cooking lesson - I give them - I am more patient. There had to be a big freestanding granite center counter with barstools where kids could do homework while adults supervised or cooked. The media room where the computer is, had to be accessible so that adults could keep an eye on what was on the screen.

These were all things we sorted through as we were looking at the use of this one house to accommodate seven people. That was a smart move because tensions develop when people are either inflexible or unable to find their own space. We love each other, but we are not all comfortable having a big old Brady Bunch hug-a-thon on a constant basis. My son-in-law organized the 2-car garage that nobody in Southern California actually uses to park cars. He split it down the middle and in his half he created his own "man cave" with a television, humidor for his cigars, sofa, arms chairs and either heat or fan as the climate allows. It's a wonderful place for his friends to convene, smoke cigars and watch TV. It's the clubhouse we all wish we had - no girls allowed.

We don't have a swimming pool, so we decided to create an outdoor room with electricity, a television, outside couches and chairs, plants and a chandelier. Next to it are the barbecues and dining tables. It's a great outside retreat - that space you need for your own party or just to lounge. On the other side of yard is the "oasis" with glider, tropical plants and lots of pillows for an afternoon snooze in the sun. There might be seven of us in this house, but the possibilities are endless for not being stuck being together all the time.

Division of finances is equitable. We bill each other for certain home services we've agreed to cover, and pay our respective personal bills as we normally would. Division of discipline is a little less definitive. Children need to have a relatively firm hand - just my opinion, but they are NOT MY KIDS and it isn't right for me to decide how they should or should not be disciplined unless I have direct charge of them.

We currently have a teenage in the brood and this is a time in a child's life when they often run their mouths far more than they should. I'm fairly inflexibly when it comes to rude behavior. But I do remind myself once again this is NOT MY KID. I am certain that eventually this one will pass through the other side of teen-ageness and be a lovely, respectful young woman. Her parents will be her guides.

Our generation and the middle generation will not always be in complete agreement about everything that goes on in our household, but we do try to respect each other. Most of all, we two generations have the best interests of our small children at heart. When the parents want their children to eat a more healthy diet, we do not sneak them candies or ice cream because we want them to be healthy as well.

We never gang up against the parents, but we do privately laugh when the teen-ager stomps upstairs to rage against the unfairness of parents. "I'm moving up to your house," she says, but it doesn't last long. I assure her that even if she is mad at them that she loves them and they love her. The 10-year-old hauls piles of bedding upstairs every Friday night because he's sleeping over. It's his private time with his grandparents.

No family every has the type of relationship 1950's sit-coms portrayed, but if you sit down and divide responsibilities, talk about goals, set parameters and are financially fair with one another, it can be a wonderful combination of generations. The accumulated love is enough to insure a safe haven for everyone.