How do you stop bickering in an almost perfect relationship?

I lost a wonderful, wonderful lady who had obsessive-compulsive disorder, several years back. She never showed a sign of it in the beginning, but when money came between us, her behavior became more and more self-protective every day. I couldn't set things down without her moving them around. I came to endure a 13-step litter box-changing checklist. She would berate me for leaving spots on the dishes and then, when I held every dish up to a strong light, for running the water so long, and not stopping it and starting the water flow with each dish. And when things were at their very worst, she insisted I not clean the gradually clogging sink, even though it was filled to the brim with disgusting, stagnant water (I did eventually clean it, weeks later, despite the fury I anticipated, and received).

You might think that there is very little connection with this, a full-blown case of OCD, and bickering in an "almost perfect" relationship. But there may be something under the surface. If, as a survivor of a wonderful relationship which mutated into something horribly wrong, I can offer some humble advice, observations, and questions, it is these:

1. If things have gotten stale, you may both need to reinvigorate, and dismantle the polite lies of, an established relationship. If you want to initiate this on your own, you may need to explain to your loved one what you are doing first, and try to convince him or her lovingly of your intentions, and goals. Ask what he or she used to first enjoy when you were together, and what has been given up to accommodate your life together. Then surprise your love with a rekindling of his or her happiness when it's least expected. Don't be a slave about acquiescing to immediate demands. Let your love know his or her general welfare is still in mind sometime, and the maturation of your thoughtfulness over time will prove sweeter than reducing a relationship to a checklist of wants and don't-wants, and trying to check it all off immediately. You're a human being, not a federal agency.

2. Listen to yourself as you "bicker". Did you used to simply discuss? What is different about the actual process? Are you raising your voice because you can't get what you want? Becoming more and more abrasive and incisive? As sweet and noble as beginning love is, the subsequent familiarity can breed contempt. Love needs to be sheltered from that contempt, or it will become poisonous and die. Or it will simply die.

Try to catch yourself, and protect your partner from meanness and spite. He or she decided to spend life with you. The trust and love it takes to foster a living arrangement need to be kept at high levels, even if not exactly demonstrated every moment.

Consider reading up on negotiation: not on how to one-sidedly steamroll your mate every time, but to discover, encourage and implement win-win situations.

3. Try to find what might be at the root of the conflicts. If you're both beginning your discussions with each other with a certain level of tension, you're likely to get frustrated and less willing to concede that much sooner. Is it money? Lack of attention? Drifting schedules? Lost time together? Something hurtful someone did? Something that was never forgiven and let go? Some outside force, such as illness. fatigue, discomfort, loss?

If you think you've found a possible source of discord, try the fix quietly. Don't say "I'm shutting the TV so you can pay attention to me", or "Here's a Midol. Let's talk". In the first case, shut the TV. In the second case, discretion is the better part of valor.

Maybe put a favorite radio station low in the background. Help destress with a bubble bath, a cooked meal, couple time. Embody and enable give and take in other forms before encountering a dreaded source of conflict.

4. If nothing works, you may want to get counseling. If you can't afford it, look online for couples advice if your partner is willing. If one person insists there is no problem, the other person is either facing a relatively simple adjustment... or a lifetime of squabbling.

If your relationship is "almost perfect", it's a matter of determining how big the "almost" is and whether it's susceptible to turning into "barely", "not", or, heaven forbid, "im". Give with all that love allows you to, but if your kindness and thoughtfulness are no longer being reciprocated, seek expert help, or get free of a situation that may drag you down for life. As painful as it was, I took steps to end my relationship. But on the upside, I eat off whatever dishes I want, my sink is nice and clean, and I no longer have to remember all 13 steps of the Kitty-O Protocol.