How do you tell your kid(s) age 7-9 that your husband or wife cheated on you and you plan to divorce or seek legal...
59I would say, please, please, please do not tell your child about the infidelity. It is scarring beyond comprehension, and does not help the situation any. I know, because I've been there. My parents separated when I was 24 YEARS OLD, and my mother told me that my father had been unfaithful. It was absolutely devastating, and I am still dealing with it almost a decade later. I don't know if I will ever come to terms with it. A child of any age, let alone a 7-year-old, has no business knowing the reasons behind the divorce, except for the constant reassurance that it is not the child's fault. All he/she needs to know is that mommy and daddy are going to live apart for a while and they still love him/her. And please tell the child that you still love each other (even if that isn't completely true), but need some time apart. Nothing is more devastating to a child then the knowledge that mommy and daddy no longer love each other, and possibly never did. No child should be made to feel that they were an accident, and they will if you aren't careful.
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
I agree!! Kids don't need to know all the trash. In fact, they shouldn't know it. Just letting them know that there are major differences that can't be worked out and use this opportunity to show them how to handle pain and anger...they are watching!!
Stay in control and vent to other friends or pastor, or professional. Let them see you being strong, fair, sensitive, respectful.
You are 100% correct!
"And please tell the child that you still love each other (even if that isn't completely true), but need some time apart."
I support the rest of your hub, but have some diffculty with this statement. Why would you lie to your children? Isn't it more important to tell and show them that you still respect each other?
I guess it's different when you are looking at it from your perspective, as the separating parent, and not as the child affected by the separation. My response is based on how I felt as the child involved. My parents calmly sat me down and explained to me when I was 13 that they no longer loved each other, but had decided to remain in the same house for several reasons. My parents probably felt that was the most mature and responsible thing to do at the time, and as I remained a straight-A student, they probably were able to reassure themselves that I was taking it well. But, they were in denial. I was anorexic/bulemic, discovered drugs and alcohol, and became dangerously promiscuous as a result of their honesty. It was simply too much for a child of that age to process and come to terms with and my self-esteem disappeared. That is why I think it would be better to ensure feelings of security and self-worth by letting the child believe that mommy and daddy still love and care for each other.
OK no details... but what if they insist? My kids are quite intelligent and curious.. how should I start??
How about this? The truth without the details... Mom and Dad got married with the intention of being together forever - look, we created you out of our love! Sometimes people grow apart, for many reasons, and marriages split up. If they want specifics, keep it simply specific and just don't go to blame.
And... parents can still love one another, but in a different sense - as friends. The love changes - it doesn't have to go away.
It is possible that saying "we don't love each other any more" can lead the child to believe maybe the love we give them has the potential to go away as well, *especially* if the parent pins it on something the other one did.
If you're in an angry spot, which is likely as someone who's getting a divorce, figure out a way to feel better about your child's other parent. This is an eternal relationship that isn't going away. Even though you're getting a divorce doesn't mean it's not worth figuring out a way to relate to your soon-to-be ex in a cordial manner.
For everyone involved a lot of good can come if you do...
516Ads says:
2 years ago
I agree, no need to tell the children the details. To a child, they are made up have mom and dad. Speaking badly of either can be interpreted of speaking badly of the child.
I'm certain being cheated on can feel devastating ... it's bad enough cheated upon spouse is devastated ... do your best not to drag child into it. That would be even more devastating.