How do you tell your kid(s) age 7-9 that your husband or wife cheated on you and you plan to divorce or seek legal...
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Place yourself in their shoes
Would you want to know why mummy and daddy are splitting up? It is hard enough to cope with the fact that they're getting divorced. The reasons behind that decision are not relevant. In what way does knowing that one has been unfaithful help you in getting over this?
There is no added value in knowing that your mummy or daddy has cheated on the other. It doesn't make it any easier to accept the fact that they're separating. In fact, it makes it harder to establish a new relationship with them.
So what do you tell them?
Obviously you have to tell your children that you're breaking up. In contrast to what OneFunMum says (see the link below), my ex-wife and I have chosen to honestly tell our daughter that we don't love each other anymore. We do everything we can to assure her that it is not her fault. We have also told her (and in fact show that regularly) that we still care about each other. We never speak ill about the other. I truly want my daughter to have a good relationship with her mother, I stimulate her love and affection for her mother and her mom does just the same. And so far, it works for the three of us. My daughter seems to cope pretty well with the divorce (even though it is of course still not what she would have wanted) and does not feel pressed to choose sides.
Never deny your children an affectionate and loving relationship with their mother or father.
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Comments
Absolutely SweetiePie, a delicate and complex solution. You illustrate my belief that cheating is not a reason for divorce, because there’s almost always a reason for the cheating. The root causes (and I believe that there’s rarely just one) for the separation lie deeper. Resentment (although it is a human and understandable reaction) does not help any of the people involved to go and get ahead with their lives.
Yes you are right about that. I think he would still have been married to her if it had not been for her intiating the divorce.
Maybe he would still be married to her, but would he and she be happy?
No they would not be happy. It was better they got divorced. It was scary hearing about their relationship really.
Gets you to think on what kind of relationship you would have with this man, doesn't it? If he has treated his ex-wfie that way, would you be treated any better?
Actually he said many things that hurt my feelings and that was part of the reason it did not work. Also, it was obivious he was still in love with her.
I think it would be a lot easier for the kids not to know if it's Daddy's nor it's Mom's fault. And it should not turn like it's their fault either why their parents are separating.
@SweetiePie:
Was he really in love, or was it more a matter of not being able to let go?
Any way, it seems like you’ve made the right decision ;)
@lancedimetri :I agree. Especially the latter is important.
In my family psychology classes, they do say that you should be honest but never make the other look bad to children. I don't have actual experience in this, but your hub seems well-grounded :)
From my own experience, your classes teach right :) I think that making my ex look bad doesn't make me look good. In fact, I think it actually makes me bad.
When my ex left, my counselor told me-Two things you need to know. The first is-Never say anything bad to the kids about their dad. The second thing is-You are human so you will do it!
I think all good parents try to avoid saying bad about their ex-but at times it happens. And when it does, we need to apologize to our kids, tell them it was uncalled for and ask their forgiveness. In other words, don't pull the common excuse-"well, I shouldn't have said that, but he....!"
As my youngest has grown older and begun to ask about the infidelity of her father,(it was widely known), my response has been, "It is not my place to talk to you about that, you need to ask your dad." There may be a time when she is grown, that she might legitimately need information, but at this point the only reason for me to say anything would be to create bad feelings. And, though I am a long way from a saint in this matter-the big picture is that I want my daughter to grow up healthy and not bitter towards her father and not incorporating any residual bitterness I have. When I am tempted, I remind myself that her well-being is my greatest mission and gift in life-and it helps me keep my big mouth shut!
That second advice is a very good one. And your attitude in this matter is wise in my opinion. It's too easy to point fingers and we all have our weak moments where we do just that. I think it's a good thing to openly acknowledge we're wrong so our chilfren learn that we're human and also see that bitterness won't bring us further in life.
Thank you for reading and commenting, wannabewanderer
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SweetiePie says:
2 years ago
My ex-boyfriend actually went through this when his wife left him for another man. There were a lot of problems in their relationship and he told her many times she was "not part of his family" and would go off on trips with his dad and siblings. Although his family may have been used to their separate trips his parents took with the kids, I do not think his wife liked it very much and she began to resent always being left at home. I by no means condone her cheating because I always think that is wrong, but I can see how she was driven to do so since he was constantly ignoring her. I was not friends with her but I knew her from school, so when he told these stories about the things he would say to her and how he excluded her, I began to see a pattern of his behavior and why it may have resulted in certain actions on her part. One day I told him that I by no means condone her behavior, but I think if he made the same type of comments he made to me that he made to her, I could see why she might have been turned off and started looking other places. One thing that always striked me as odd was he was always very bitter when talking about his ex-wife to his children, which was not good because that was their mom. Mostly I think he was just mad about the way the relationship ended and he did not seem able to let go even after two years and her being happily married to someone else. One thing I always thought was interesting was he insisted on remaining good friends with her cousin and we even went to her cousins wedding, but he never really seem to be able to let go of his resentment regarding her. This hub just made me think about this and I do not know how I would react if I were in the situation where someone cheated on me, but it is a very delicate issue to be sure.