Dealing with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
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Handy links for more information
- Trapped in the mirror - families of narcissists
Very academic and comprehensive in scope, so it may be a little intimidating for the lay reader. Still definitely one of the best books I've ever read describing the experience if living with a narcissist and the origins of this disorder. - Identifying and understanding narcissistic personality disorder
A somewhat more academic and technical piece focusing on some of the reasons for the development of this personality style. - Cognitive behavioral treatment of narcissistic personality disorder
Link to a book describing one of the most commonly used treatment techniques with narcissistic personality disorder. - Treatments and Supports
NAMI is one of the foremost agencies in mental health advocacy with extensive databases and information on resources, research and treatments. A description of cognitive behavioral therapy, one of the treatment options for personality disorders. - MedlinePlus: Personality Disorders
MedLine is a great reference source with comprehensive medical and mental health information written for the lay person. - Personality Disorders
The Mayo Clinic provides good, up to date and well researched information on personality disorders, their causes, symptoms and treatment options.
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Dealing with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder? in the News
- Hearing begins for Maui man accused of being spyBoston Globe4 days ago
A former B-2 stealth bomber engineer accused of spying for China suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, expert witnesses for the prosecution and the defense testified in federal court Thursday.
- Competency hearing opens for accused Maui spyBoston Globe4 days ago
Expert witnesses for the prosecution and the defense have testified a former B-2 stealth bomber engineer accused of spying for China suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.
- Competency hearing opens for accused Maui spyKPUA AM 670 Hilo3 days ago
HONOLULU (AP) — Expert witnesses for the prosecution and the defense have testified that a former B-2 stealth bomber engineer accused of spying for China suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.
So, what, specifically are narcissistic personality disordered people like? In general they are extremely self centered, enjoy, no demand positive attention and acknowledgement from others, are considered entitled, self focused, have trouble empathizing with others or understanding what another person may feel like. They are often grandiose, self important and judgemental, seeing themselves as better than those around them, while at the same time being extremely sensitive to rejection - implied, perceived or real from others and may react with displays of aggression, threats or temper tantrums when denied. They tend to fall within what I affectionately call the 'yeller/screamer" category. Their view on life tends to be that the sooner everyone gets with the program and does what they want, the sooner things will get done, the right way, their way - and the easier it will be for everyone.
As long as people do what they need to do, which is obey immediately and ensure that nothing ruptures their worldview, things generally remain calm and narcissists can be as nice as the next fellow. The description "walking on eggshells" is commonly used by the families of people with narcissistic personality disorder and they are often considered difficult to treat due to their difficulty with empathy, extreme sensitivity and rejection of change. It doesn't mean they can't change, it just takes a while, after all, these are pretty ingrained habits - which may beg the question - why don't we spend more energy focusing on the signs which emerge in childhood when they might be easier to treat, but that's a complicated, political and social question beyond the scope of this article.
But back to what it's like for someone with a narcissistic personality disorder to face a threat. It may help to understand a little of where this comes from. Remember that people with narcissistic personality disorder view the world a little differently - not through rose colored glasses exactly, more like one's with the wrong prescription - things are kind of fuzzy, out of focus, distorted, flat becomes round, your head spins and you feel a little queezy, so imagine spending your life with badly fitted, out of focus glasses - you reach for the cup, but your vision is distorted so you miss, you misjudge the distance to the door and walk right into it, you try to walk over to someone and you trip and fall because the ground feels wobbly and is moving and undulating in a most disturbing manner.So, psychologically, these people are starting off at a distinct disadvantage.
The other thing, and the underlying reason for much of the mocking, the rage, the sarcasm, put downs and copious tears, is that for these people, much of what most of us would consider inconsequential is tantamount to a life or death struggle, psychologically. For these people, anything that threatens their world immediately threatens their very self - and that's the core of narcissism, it's a reaction (and none of this is conscious, by the way) to a deep seated fear that underneath all that bravado, boasting and general obnoxiousness that accompanies severe personality disorders that they will be unmasked as someone so unspeakably horrible that they will instantly be shunned and denounced by all who know and love them. It is this deep seated insecurity, self doubt and longing for unconditional attention that provokes the intensity of the reactions many of these people display. Something as minor as a disagreement about an outfit or movie choice can provoke this fear, in fact any questioning at all is threatening in the extreme because to these people, if there's a crack in the dam wall, catastrophe is imminent and certain (and what's more, it's probably because of something they've done or not done).
Obviously not all people with narcissistic personality disorder are this severe and certainly not all the time, but when they are triggered, their attacks can be biting and vicious and frequently guilt ladened. People with narcissistic personality disorder are so uncertain that they will be loved and cared for for themselves, that they frequently use manipulation, especially guilt to get what they want - and it works! People often comply, partly because of their own guilt being activated, but also because they know from experience that they are never going to win, and if by chance they do, there will be hell to pay.
One of the central deficits in narcissistic personality disorder is in the ability for empathy or being able to imagine oneself in another's situation and imagine what they would feel like. How would it be to try to imagine someone else's experience if you don't know how to. It's like telling someone with no art experience to reproduce a Monet with a screwdriver, at best you'd get a crude approximation.
Dealing a Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Well, where to start....
What exactly are personality disorders? Basically a personality disorder is a set of personality traits or characteristics that are both rigid and chronic. Generally personality disorders are not diagnosed in people under 18 as children's character or personality traits are assumed to still be somewhat flexible. Children may show characteristics of these disorders earlier than 18, but their essence is chronicity and inflexibility - and we have to get a little older for that.
Personality disorders are most often diagnosed by a mental health professional. Comprehensive interviews, information from the person's family, questionnaires and projective instruments like the Thematic Apperception Test and the Rorschach are all commonly used in the diagnosis of personality disorders.
What differentiates personality disorders from the rest of us? Like many mental health symptoms, personality disorders are the extreme manifestations of common characteristics. In the same way that everyone feels sad, but clinical depression significantly impacts day to day functioning, people with personality disorders (and those around them) are significantly affected by the person's personality style and despite these difficulties, the person is unable to change these characteristics. They continue to respond in the same way to everyone and every situation. They're the prototypical "when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail" type.
Most of us consider our personalities pretty stable, we know if we tend to be introverted or outgoing, the people we like and the activities we enjoy. Although our internal base remains, we change ourselves subtly from day to day and in different situations. While a "hey bud, what's up?" may be fine for a friend, few of us would walk into a job interview saying that, and even fewer would be surprised by a negative result. But people with personality disorders are different, not only are they unable to make those essential changes, but they are often deeply confused, hurt and offended when their actions are not well received. Many of these disorders are also externally focused, in other words, it's everyone else's fault, which is part of what makes these people often very difficult to deal with, real "my way or the highway" people who don't generally play well with others.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders lists the following as general personality disorder criteria: An ongoing, chronic pattern of understanding the world and one's own experiences which deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture. This is often expressed in cognitive or thought patterns (i.e., ways of perceiving and interpreting self, other people, and events) and in emotions (i.e., the range, intensity, lability, and appropriateness of emotional response). Interpersonal functioning is also affected and there are generally some problems with impulse control.
These patterns must occur over a significant period of time, in multiple situations and with multiple people. It's not just an occasional bad day, it can't be due to drugs or alcohol and other disorders need to be ruled out. While many people come to therapy because they feel bad, often people with personality disorders are dragged to therapy or are there because of an ultimatum, because other people can't deal with their behavior.
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The big problem comes in that despite these invisible impediments, people with narcissistic personality disorder are expected to live, work and interact with the rest of us in the world - and this poses 2 problems - they have to live with us and we have to live with them - and unlike many disorders which are temporary or intermittent, by definition, these are ongoing difficulties. Furthermore, the areas in which these people have deficits - self soothing, empathy and perspective are all areas which society generally attributes to personality, which is fair enough, but more specifically, we treat them as volitional. People with narcissistic personality disorder struggle with things that most of us take for granted and certainly things that many of us do reflexively. They don't know how to calm down, feel less anxious, angry etc. they don't know how to restore their fragile, wounded ego's and they have no innate sense of themselves as kind, loving etc, which they certainly can be.
Knowing some of these things can be helpful in alleviating the guilt that people in families of those with narcissistic personality disorder often feel - and some that those with the disorder feel too. On the whole, people don't like being uncomfortable or unhappy and tend to avoid it if they can. People with this disorder show definite deficits in skills, some of which can be taught. Although it can be difficult for people with narcissistic personality disorder to enter therapy, there can be significant changes with perseverance and practice by both the person with the disorder and their families.
So, in dealing with these people, try to have a sense that actions which seem spiteful and malevolent are actually their attempts at coping because they feel so bad and don't know how to do things differently. This often helps feel less angry towards the person and can help with problem solving. Also, look at your priorities and which things are worth fighting over, remember for them it probably feels a lot more personal so they'll put a lot of effort into it - is it worth it?
Now on important things it's different and here you might want to try stating what you need to say as neutrally as possible, if you're giving feedback focus on your feelings only, use "I statements" say something like "I feel that I'm not able to communicate with you right now because you are yelling, so I'm going to take some space for a few minutes", and yes, mostly you will have to take the high road and don't get lured back in with "so you think it's my fault" or any digs - the idea is to get out quick.
Living with a person with narcissistic personality disorder can be a little like being a meteorologist - and if it looks like rain take an umbrella, so be prepared with prepared things to say, no matter how silly you think it sounds, remember this technique is not just for you, it's for them too, the idea is you take the lead and show them better ways of dealing with things by how you interact with them. Over time, if you do things like self time outs or taking space, which quite honestly is the best way to sneak some undisturbed time, sooner or later, you'll be in the beginning of a conflict and you'll hear "I'm taking space for 10 minutes" instead of the escalating cycle.
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absolutely, no contact may make it easier for the other person, as they get to put the blame on someone else, but it's truly not helpful in any other way. Dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can be tough, but they are still people & we need to find ways to help them and ourselves in dealing with them. Thanks for your comment.
i have recently been looking at my own behavior as my girlfriend is sick of it , im very worried as i show almost all the signs of narcissistic personality disorder, im worried that she wont understand and would leave me , this is true enough to what is been said above about fear or abandoment, thing is i still have the ability to empthasise, though i rarely do anymore, im willing to change and is hard as it is im willing to execpt the blame myself, any small argument seems huge to me , my girlfriend stops showing me affection for 1 second and i start to get angry ,
i managed to keep my cool yesterday with her , she has been very patiencet with em and understandble has got none or little left, she gets angry when an argument is brewing and now instead of fightin back tooth and nail i actually calm down first, i no longer give her the 'my way or high way' choice and i feel better slightly however im still terrified that she will meet someone else that she likes and that is not mentaly f***** up like me and simply leave with him
Hi-
Thank you for taking the time to write. You have 2 very positive factors in your favor - firstly - you're insightful enough to be concerned about your own behavior and secondly - you're trying to do something about it, which puts you ahead of about 50% of the population.
I would highly recommend that you get in touch with a therapist who has experience dealing with your type of issues (don't be afraid to interview a couple until you find someone who fits for you). The fact that you recognize where some of your issues lie is great, but you can't do it alone, you need a comprehensive treatment plan and someone guiding you along the way. You are very courageous, I wish you the best on your journey!
I've been reading up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it really did strike me how well my boyfriend fits into that category.There's so little information or support online for the loved ones of the person affected, so this website has been very helpful. I'm not sure therapy would be ideal for him, he mistrusts professionals. And he is very fragile emotionally and had abused drugs for many years before meeting me, I don't want things to go downhill. Sometimes I'm delibarately feeding his ego because I see it makes him happy... I'm just at a complete loss here, I don't know what to do.
Thank you for this site. It has been really helpful as I suspect I am dealing with someone with this personality disorder and want to know how to cope in a positive manner when subjected to these behaviours. I am curious however ....and I pose the question...."If this is the mother with these behaviours how do I distinguish that the daughter who is a teenager (16) who also shows some behaviours is just going through the self centred, angry, teenage stage and not sharing the same disorder. Is there a chance of inheritance, or is it all due to development during childhood? "
I think she does show signs of empathy, however it is a divorce situation and I realize lots of variables come into play such as anger, abandonment, loss and manipulation. Having mom's behaviour as the example has also possibly set the tone for what is okay acceptable behaviour for her. Any insight would greatly be appreciated as I know I will be dealing with this situation on a long term basis and want to keep the drama as limited as possible for all parties involved and not add to it.
Thank You in advance
A McKay
I was married to someone with this disorder and they are very dangerous people, NPD being a part of psyhcopathy, or anti-social personality disorder. Watching Clayton Weatherston on the stand it is clear he has this disorder. He reminds me of my ex and it is scary to watch, bringing back traumatic memories for me.
Hi-
I'd like to respond to both comments individually (and also apologize for the length of time it has taken me to respond). Regarding A McKay's comments : You bring up one of the most commonly asked questions, namely how do you differentiate adolescent, (often egocentric and selfish) thinking and actions from those of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Firstly, personality disorders are not generally diagnosed until the age of 18. The reason being that children and adolescents are still forming their characters, testing out roles and ways to be in the world. A personality disorder is a long standing pattern of interacting with people that leads to significantly impaired relationships or impact's a person's ability to function in the world (ie people who cannot hold a job as they can never get on with colleagues). While teenagers often show behavior that seems selfish or self centered, this is a developmentally normal process which heralds the transition from being a child to being an adult. During adolescence there is an increased focus on defining the self - and you need to think about yourself a fair amount to define yourself. Empathy, or the lack thereof, to jump to Juanita's comment for a moment, is more a characteristic of antisocial personality disorder. This disorder is characterized by a significant disregard for generally accepted social rules and major infringements on the rights of others (ie major assault, not just hurting someone' s feelings.) One of the key differences between narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder is that narcissists are characterized by extreme concern for self and need for positive recognition, their disregard of others tends to be related to their extreme self focus (there just isn't enough room for you & them in their psychic world). Antisocial disregard for others stems from a primary deficit in the ability to put oneself in another's shoes, which is the building block of empathy. So, narcissists may disregard you because they feel so internally vulnerable that they need to remain the center of attention to feel okay, antisocials disregard you because they genuinely don't understand how their actions impact others. They regard people more as objects and so are not as moved by the pain & suffering of others, they relate to others more in terms of what that person can do for them or what they can get, so when don't need you anymore, they just move on, the same way you might disgard a dress that had shrunk (because we all know dresses do that!). Teenagers, narcissists and anti social personality disorders are all tough to live with and may show similar behaviors, but understanding the source of these may make it easier to deal with them. To address A. McKay once more, children learn what they live with and act as they see acted (yup, for better or worse, they soak it all up). A child with a parent with narcissistic tendencies may also show some of these tendencies as this is the only way they know people act. Kids do what their parent's do because parents shape and define kid's world's. Often the best way of dealing with narcissists is to deal with the underlying issue - need for positive attention, if you are able to acknowledge the other person's point of view (you don't have to agree with it), then they tend to feel heard and are more likely to listen. Going head to head will probable inflame the situation. What narcissists, and all of us really want is to be heard and acknowledged (they just need it a little, okay a lot more than most). The same strategy works with aggressive kids, (or adults) - if you engage you fuel the fire, step back & try to really listen to what they have to say and you've won half the battle - it's harder to fight with someone who is trying to listen. I would also encourage you to be clear in your boundaries and role expectations as this lessens the chance of misunderstandings & hurt feelings. Lastly, if you can keep in mind (and it can be hard) that, as obnoxious as the behaviors may be, they are really not coming from spite, but from fear and it's really not about you, it's what you've triggered in them, it can make it a little easier not to take things to personally - and not to write the other person off, but to acknowledge their difficulties and figure out the best way to work with them. Again, my apologies for the delayed response and thank you for your comments.
My brother and his wife (we suspect she has NPD) have just divorced. We are worried if she is a threat, physically, to the kids? Emotionally we can already see some damage. Any information on this would be greatly appreciated.
Having a parent with narcissistic personality disorder can be very painful as a child as their needs are often superceded by those of the parent. Part of the way in which narcissistic personality disorder is damaging is due to the fact that these people really struggle to take another's perspective and therefore may struggle to read children's emotional cues and needs. This can lead to intense frustration and a feeling of not ever being good or important enough or being too needy, so that children begin to feel guilty about their needs.
Another factor is that children learn the world through their parent's eyes; they learn how to interact with others, they learn how to be in relationships and they learn what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable from a parent's actions, not from their words. So, potentially some unhealthy interpersonal patterns are replicated and the child does not get an accurate sense of the world around them and how to be in it.
The best way to counteract this is with exposure to alternatives. If the relationship is civil enough & you have access to the kids then show them (by your behavior, don't knock their mom!) that there are different ways of being in the world and that you see them for who they are and recognize their needs. All parents live vicariously through their kids to a certain extent. We boast to our co-workers when our child wins a race or earns a prize, and that's good, we should be proud of our kids, it helps them develop a sense of self esteem. Parents who are narcissistic, however may be unable to see that their children are similar, but different from them and that this is not a bad thing. These parents may tend to push their children to live out roles they wish they could fulfill - the classic example is the parent who insists that a child with no natural desire or ability continue with piano lessons because they, themselves always wanted to be a good piano player. The biggest problem with this, is that children naturally try to play out the roles adults, and particularly their parents set up for them - and when a child is playing out a parent's life, they are unable to create their own.
A primary task of childhood is to develop and discover who we are. Children of narcissistic parents are often very adult like, perfectionistic and responsible, yet are frequently plagued with self esteem issues as ultimately when we make ourselves into someone else's image, we lose touch with ourselves.
Contrary to popular belief, most mentally ill people are not violent and generally previous behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Where you are likely to encounter most difficulties with this lady is if you threaten her sense of self or question her actions too much. Underlying narcissism is a deep and undying fear of not being good enough. The narcissism is essentially a defense against this, so if you directly question her parenting skills she will probably become defensive and not listen to you, become more set in her ways, or do the opposite of what you want. It is important to acknowledge her ideas, even if you do not agree with them, before she will be able to listen to your ideas. People with narcissistic personality disorder can be tough to deal with, but if you keep in mind that their behavior comes from fear and insecurity rather than maliciousness, you may be better able to respond. I hope this was helpful and thank you for your comment.
That Clayton Weatherston will never be any good, you could never reabilitate him, I watched him on N.Z T.v while on a visit to be honest I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Best shot just give him a lethal injection. Google him and you will agree.
Well, maybe not, I pretty much never agree with the death penalty. I read a few news clippings and while the crime sounds abhorrent and the defense of provocation weak, I'm not sure that he is narcissistic or unable to be rehabilitated.
The crime sounds very impulse based (I mean stabbing his girlfriend 216 times certainly suggests a massive loss of control). This suggests that it was somewhat situationally and interpersonally based- meaning she was the target because of his emotional involvement with her, not that it was her fault in any way.
The people you really need to watch out for are less emotional, they are detached,cold and lack the ability to empathize and/or imagine another's pain. These people are controlled, planned and thoughtful in their choosing of a victim, a time, place and manner of killing and often enjoy torturing or extending their victim's pain. These people are true psychopaths, significantly more severe and dangerous than narcissistic personality disorder.
Although psychopaths are genuinely dangerous, I still believe that they deserve humane treatment. They need to be kept away from society, that is clear, but they too are suffering from a biological brain based disorder, albeit one with most horrendous consequences. I don't think that because we are currently unable to successfully treat these people, we should kill them. There are many medical conditions which we cannot yet treat (luckily, none with such terrible consequences for those around them), but we continue to search for cures. Even those who are true psychopaths would not have chosen that path, would you? Not to dismiss their behavior or suggest that you can just say I'm sick, I can't help it, even people who are sick retain responsibility for their behaviors.
In my experience, however the death penalty is more about a misguided sense of revenge and hope for closure on the family's part. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. Whether the offender is there or not, it doesn't bring the victims back & it actually doesn't make it any easier for the families. I've found that people place their hopes in something like the death penalty, thinking that they'll feel better when "justice is done", but justice is never done- the crime still occurred and can never be undone - it's about the other person's anger, frustration and hurt. The death penalty is simply not an effective deterrent, as the current research shows (if these people had the wherewithall to think of the consequences, or how it would make others feel, they probably would not have committed the crime). I'm not justifying the crimes or saying that there shouldn't be consequences, but state sanctioned murder in response to murder/some other vicious crime is not a solution.
Thank you for your comment and your opinion.
i have just realised that though i had a very normal childhood i still am a narcissist i cannot empathise with anybody i am scared that my husband will realize that i am really a horrible person which i am begining to think i really am and leave me i want a cure for this
My wife has been diagnosed with this problem; the problem is that I have Aspergers so it is very hard for me to help her through this. What would be the best way to get sucha person to therapy when they are constnatly miserable aobut how noone understnads them or treats them right (and they are very intelligent).
My mother-in-law is Narcissistic. I have been living with her in a joint family since 4 and a half years. The first 3 years were like hell because I used to live with her in the same portion. Things don't seem to change and my husband doesn't seem to get me an indepenedent place. Apart from having typical mother-in-law-VS-daughter-in-law problems with her, I have suffered from her extreme Narcissism and I am still not stable because I am a house wife and have almost no distractions all day. I mainly take care of my two kids.
I have unresolved feelings from the past. She gave me the toughest time because of her jealousy towards me. She has never digested the fact that I am the mother of her grandchildren, whom she is abnormally possessive about. I fear that she'll never "forgive" for being the mother of "her" kids and life isn't going to change. Plus, in an oriental culture like our, where elders and in-laws are treated like gods, I fear I'll never lead a happy life, God forbid. Please, help me out!
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this piece and write to me. I shall try to address your issues individually and highlight some commonalities in your experiences, as well as trying to provide some concrete techniques, so forgive me if this is lengthy.
MKK, you are courageous in scrutinizing yourself, but I would hesititate to jump to conclusions. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very severe, long standing, maladaptive way of interacting with others. Difficulty empathizing with others is just one symptom and can occur in many disorders including mood and anxiety disorders.
One of the central features of many, but not all personality disorders is that the person suffering from the disorder is generally unconcerned about their symptoms, it is usually the people around them who are having trouble dealing with the narcissist.
Those with narcissistic personality disorder, while they may genuinely wish for a less chaotic and confrontive existance, often have trouble recognizing or acknowledging that their interpersonal style is what wreaks havoc in their lives.
I would strongly advise that you discuss your concerns with a mental health professional, who should be able to clarify the nature of your symptoms and help you deal with these. Thank you again for writing.
BFD, wow, a tough situation. Again, I would highly recommend a consultation with a mental health professional. You and your wife both have significant illnesses and I would not expect anyone in your situation to do it alone.
Try to become informed about both your illnesses so that you both get to recognize what makes things difficult for you both. If you can, write down the times when things get rough in as much detail as possible, noting dates, day, time and any events immediately before or after the event. Going over these with each other and with a therapist and problemsolving can give you some good tools as you will begin to recognize certain behaviors in each other and intervene.
Get as much support as you can from agencies, support groups, family, friends etc. This is going to be an ongoing process, and you will need people to help you along the way.
I would imagine that you are both intelligent - this is part of the reason other people have trouble recognizing that you both have significant disabilities and may blame you for some of your behaviors. Become your own research subject, the more you can analyse and review tough times in your life, the more knowledge you have to prevent future episodes - and become your own advocate - share information about your conditions with your friends and family and tell them about interventions that work and what makes things worse. Most people want to understand and help, they just don't know how.
-And now, to Noni - another very tough situation - and you have the additional complication of a culture which discourages standing up to elders and often places a new wife in a lower position, from which she is expected to both endure hardship and gain the respect of her in laws.
Often mothers have some resentment at no longer being the most important woman in their son's life. They fear that they will be displaced and so feel the need to criticize and harangue a new bride. I would suggest that you initially tread softly and acknowledge the importance of your mother in law - make sure on mother's day she gets flowers/a card from you saying how much you appreciate her for bringing your husband up and for the suggestions you give her. A surprise card or small gift always makes people feel appreciated, and the more she feels appreciated the less she will feel the need to criticize.
I understand that this won't be easy, especially initially, but people respond to the way they are treated, so if you are treating her well, any mean behavior clearly comes from her. Ask her advice about things, but remain firm when it comes to raising your kids. You need to communicate that while you respect her opinion and are pleased that she is sharing information with you -but bottom line - you are the mom and these are your children and you are entitled to raise them as you wish.
As hard as it is, try not to take things she says too personally - many mean comments arise from insecurity not maliciousness. I would also ask your husband for some support. He too, needs to stand up to his mom and, with the utmost respect, at times disagree with her and take another path, and it is very important that he support you. He chose to marry you and you are now the most important woman in his life and he needs to communicate that to his mom.
Be clear that you love her and value her input, but that you will take her advice under consideration, and will make your own decision. I realize this is a lot harder to do than it sounds, but persistence will pay off and make your life a little easier.
Lastly, try to feel confident in yourself - you are a competent, courageous mom, or you would not be trying to change things, you know what to do, and if you make mistakes - that's how we all learn and you are entitled to make your own. I wish you much luck and thank you for writing.
Thank you so much for offering a solution other than no contact in dealing with someone with NPD. I've been looking for ways to deal with the person in my life with NPD, and lately I have just been as calm and rational as I can be when arguing with them. This seems to be the best approach, and now that I know what the problem is I can be amused by her antics instead of horrified. I know now that I am not crazy, I am not overly sensitive, I do not have an overactive imagination, and that the memories I have are real, not the bullshit she feeds me.
Thank you so much for writing this article and now I know that I dont have to sever ties, I just need to be patient and take the high road.
Dr C...I appreciate that you respond to your comments. My husband and I have recently started counseling. My husband has been given this diagnosis...and is now fighting it. As I read (and my therapist said I was NOT to do the information gathering) it becomes clear that this fits my husband to a T. He is NOT violent, but he definetly shows signs of each of the other signs, althoug to verying degrees.
My question is this...We are married for 17 years...and I don't see that there is much of a futur for us. If I had understood this earlier in our marriage, maybe I would have had a better understanding of how to deal with the symptoms...but, after all these years, they have taken their toll...I am broken myself, and it seems that there is no real hope that WE will be able to have a loving happy relationship in the future. I can, and have, put up with a lot of the crap that this disorder causes...BUT, I do NOT want to live the rest of my life knowing that my partner will possibley never have any empathy for me, or stop doubting me or being jelous...
Is there hope? How would I know? He was told to gather as much information and understanding of the disorder...but so far as I can tell, he's spent one whole evening looking into it...There is no proactive effort to healing on his part, and I don't think I can be the glue for this relationship indefinetly...Sometimes, I need a rock too!!
Any insite you have would be greatly appreciated.
Dawn
My husband has NPD, but he is undiagnosed. He would not go to counseling except for "family counseling," which I was warned by an LCSW that would be used against me. The one time I went to counseling with him, he acted like a totally different person, which made me mad, so I looked bad in comparison to Mr. Wonderful.
I left him nine months ago. In the beginning, he acted like I did this terrible thing to hurt him. I couldn't take his belligerent abuse anymore, and he was also drinking everyday (he was ENTITLED to that, you know...). After a few months, he tried to get me to take him back. When I refused, he decided that I was not worth the trouble. Now he tries to devalue me by ignoring me when we exchange or are forced to talk about the children. He claimed he was going to give me a simple divorce, but I will believe that when I see it. Wow, you wrote a nice hub that covered many bases that mine miss! Thanks!
I almost got stung, but I actually Googled Narcissism at a friends suggestion. She knew before me. I had just been perplexed. I realised well and true that my boyfriend was a Narcissist. What I read, word for word was a perfect description of him. Once I knew about it, I understood the situation I was in, and I no longer felt confused about his behaviour. He was different. His world was different to mine, and most other peoples. I saw it as a mental illness (which could not be cured). And, it might sound strange, but I could notice it in his eyes. It was as if part of him wasn't really there (or sincere/genuine). After I ended our relationship I did not return his calls, so he came knocking, twice. But I locked the house and pretended I wasn't home. I've never seen him again, but know that six months later he was married to someone he'd only recently met. I know the way he would have 'swept her off her feet'. I worry for her, because she obviously hasn't realised. I would hate to be in her situation.
Advisor4qb: Thank you for your comment. As you say, relationships with someone who has a Narcissistic personality disorder are tough, but you seem to have a good sense of what is your stuff and what is theirs, which will help you take things a little less personally, not that it doesn't hurt - especially when kids are involved. i'm glad the hub was helpful to you.
My wife's ex would fit most of your description. The children were HIS by blood and he was furious when they began to call me dad. My wife and I constantly tried to make peace with him for the sake of the kids but to no avail. He was constantly in trouble through abusing drugs and alcohol.
The children are grown now and have their own kids. They haven't spoken to him in years.
You wrote a great hub here. It explains much about personality disorders. Thanks.
I am currently working with someone whose narcissistic and cleverly abusive behavior makes the working place miserable. I am stunned to recognize that she appears to have all of the symptoms for NPD. Any recommendations for how to handle such a personality in the workplace? Avoidance is currently not a possibility.
I just realized that my husband ex girlfriend is narcissistic. They have not been in a relationship for over 5 years and she obviously thinks it is time to get him back. She has left an anonymous voicemail at my work and mailed me an anonymous letter both stating that my husband is have an affair with her. When my husband called her to ask that she stop it angered her enough to have letters hand delivered my home personally attacking me and going on in detail about this fictitious affair that they have been having, she even went as far as having me followed one weekend just so she could intimidate me at a store.....or she thought! I know my husband and she is a closed chapter in his life so I know what she says is not true but it angers me that she felt entitlement to enter our relationship without an invitation. What she said in this letter definitely shows her narcissistic nature and with all of this it has left me uncomfortable with her actions. I have not reacted or responded to her as I feel it might feed her ego and encourage more attacks. How do I get her to stop this?
Hi Stevie and Cookie-
Thanks for your comments. You both have really tough situations so I'll try to respond to each individually.
Stevie: I believe that the best way to deal with difficult people is to try and understand why they behave the way they do. In the case of a narcissist, much of their behavior stems from deep feelings of inadequacy and an almost continual unease and fear that they may be unmasked as being inefficient, stupid, weak. They often feel as if their behaviors are part of themselves and so any hint of criticism is not about the behavior for them, it's a dagger to their very core. A critique of some work may be felt as an aggressive attack on themselves and what they are about. So, for them, the world is a highly critical, dangerous place where you continually have to defend against being unmasked as being inferior. Narcissists feel as though they have little control over things, the things they do well, they do well by chance (although they will verbalize the exact opposite)Being critical of others is often a defensive strategy for the narcissists. Having an understanding of this doesn't make their behavior any pleasanter, but it makes it more understandable and helps us avoid things like power struggles (don't bother), excessive criticism and taking their behavior personally. When you do have to criticize or offer feedback, try to begin with something validating before you criticize, and make an effort to separate their behavior from themselves (much like we do with kids - we make sure they know stealing cookies is not okay, but it doesn't mean they are a bad kid.) Also try to keep in mind that their criticism and controlling behaviors are really about them and try to minimize situations where they would feel the need to do this. Our natural reaction to someone being controlling or micromanaging is to try to avoid them, which actually fuels a narcissists fear. I hope that this is helpful.
I found your blog filled with wonderful information. Thank you!!
My boyfriend of 3 years fits almost every one of these items. Finding this site has helped me understand why he is the way he is.
I love this man very much but am not sure I can be in a relationship with someone who lack empathy and can not recognize my feelings.
When I give my boyfriend what he wants, fluff his ego and listen to his constant issues... he is happy.
But when he pulls his guilt trips on me we have major fights. He doesn't want me to have any other friends, interests or hobbies. If I am unavailable to him he gets angry and sometimes cruel.
Everyone I know thinks I should dump him. And I have broken things off many times over the years.
But I love him, respect his intelligence and perspectives. I wish he would get better so I could be happy.
Is there any hope? Or should I get out now before it is too late?
Thank You
NPD Lover
K.D. Clement says:
7 months ago
So what do you think of the "no contact" dogma? The things I have read about dealing with a narcissist always say to stay far, far away and go no contact if you can. It always seemed a bit inhumane to me. Do you agree?