How should we praise good behavior in our children?
76Encouraging positive friendships is important at a young age
How do we praise and encourage our children's behavior?
Creating good behavior in our children is a top priority for most parents. We all want to foster acceptable behavior and discourage poor behavior, but how do we do it.
Praising children for behavior can be tricky. Our goal as parents should be to foster a high self-esteem as well as altruistic and intrinsic behaviors. So how do we accomplish this?
Constantly praising children for good behavior can have a negative effect. Children who are constantly praised are always looking for adult approval. If instead we acknowledge how their good deeds make them or their friend feel, we are creating a long lasting behavior.
Consequently, I have never been a huge fan of the "marble in the jar" or "catcha being good" techniques where students are given rewards when an adult witnesses good behavior. These extrinsic rewards can get old quickly and aren't great motivators for long term behavior modification.
By helping children become intrinsically motivated, we are fostering a life-long skill rather than a temporary feeling.
Example
A child shares a toy with another child. If we were to directly praise the behavior, we may say, "Great sharing, Timmy!" While this makes the child feel great, it is not necessarily reinforcing the behavior. I've even noticed children looking at me for approval when they do a good deed.
Instead, we can say, "I noticed how happy you looked Sarah when Timmy shared with you. What can you say to him?" or "How does it feel to share with your friends, Timmy? I bet Sarah will share with you next time." This change in language puts all of the responsibility and recognition on Timmy.
The important thing is how he feels doing the right thing and how he makes his friends feel. Instead of being extrinsically motivated to do the right thing, motivated by a parent or teacher's praise, he is intrinsically motivated, motivated to do the right thing because it makes him and his friends happy. If we notice that the child has mastered this skill and is already feeling good about their behavior, many times all we need to do is smile or wink. This is their accomplishment, let them feel the rewards and we should stay out of it.
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Any tips on encouraging good behaviors in children?
I agree, Stacie. Kids who are looking for rewards for good behavior may not act in the same positive way when the reward is gone. It is actually harder to do as a parent than as a teacher because your parenting job is so FULL time and there is less structure around the day. I know I have offered a tic-tac here and there to get my kids moving. It's definitely something that I'm aware of though and try hard not to do. Thanks for the comment!
Hey Sweet Robin!! GREAT Hub!! YOU are just the BEST!! So glad to see your newest Hub!! (Been keeping up with things through C!! Wow!! What a wonderful year!!) Even though I don't have kids of my own I do have seven Godchildren, and numerous little ones that live around me!! Your much more evolved way of interacting with them is music to my ears!! And theirs!! Blessings to you Sweet Pea!! Earth Angel Sapphire Grace!!
Thank you, Sapphire. I appreciate your kind words and you have some lucky Godchildren! xo
your example is esp good. i can sure use that tip for my child. thanks lots
Nice hub, praise can go a long way.
''acknowledge how their good deeds make them or their friend feel, we are creating a long lasting behavior.''
This is such invaluable advice. I'm definitely going to put it to use. I've wondered recently about the reward-of-praise technique being a bit over-used and excessive. I have noted that my 6 year old grand-daughter Jasmine is clearly aware of the feelings of others for eg. if someone's rude to them, if they're feeling left out etc. - it would be excellent to reinforce that awareness when she's in the process of trying to redress the balance. Wonderful technique. Thanks.
Robin
Thank your for your great observations and ideas concerning behavior in children. I too am in the educational field however, I am around teens to early adult age individuals. The foundation of good training as a child is so important when considering what kind of adults they may become. I definately think that "treat training" is as harmful to children as it is to pets. Feeling good about themselves and their decisions is really the reward in itself. Thank you for the HUB.
Great advice thanks so much as a busy mother of two I need all the advice nd tricks of the trade I can get...I'l be passin this on...Ihae some hubs that you migtnd interesting, recipes for kids, health and more...check it ot if you want, keep up the great hubs..
Very interesting hub. Praise definitely can be a double edged sword. The half dozen kids I have are usually trying to kill one another and the volume level in my house can over-extend the boundaries of my neighbors comfort level.
The intrinsic motivation has probably been developed by pure accident as my fathering skills were never something I learned how to do. I've been "winging" it for over a decade now heh heh. I just give my little ones the thumbs up when they do something right. When they seek recognition I probably go against the proper thing to do and just enforce it with my stern command of "good for you! What you want a friggin gold star??!! You SHOULD be..."(using manners, shareing, being polite, etc) I noticed that they no longer seek praise from dear ol dad anymore but have now developed this pattern of telling mommy on me.
Obviously I've become a very well respected role model in my household of what exactly you DON"T do. >=)
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Stacie Naczelnik says:
2 years ago
This is a good approach. I'm not a parent yet, but I used to work with children full time. I found that a lot of the children often did something "good", only to receive a treat for doing it. The other teachers had these awards for good and helpful behaviour, but these actions were only motivated by the promise of a treat.