By Cassandra Senior

Whether we recognize it or not, there are four distinct styles of communication: assertive, passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive. It's important to know that a person can communicate in more than one of these styles depending on his or her mood or situation, who he or she is talking to, etc. The best type of communication is assertive. The following is a list of traits a person who uses each kind of communication might have. Mark off which traits, if any, you use. The type of communication with the most marks is probably your favored type of communication.

Assertive

• Direct and expressive with respect for others
• Willing to compromise at times
• Listens to others point of view
• Clarifies the issues
• Sticks to the issues
• Remains calm
• Doesn't blame; accepts responsibility when appropriate
• Asks for help from others but doesn't manipulate or demand from others
• Talks with head up and in a firm voice
• Wants a win-win solution

Passive

• Considered "the doormat"
• Indirect and inhibited
• Gives in quickly, compromises when not appropriate to do so
• Becomes uncertain, confused or flustered
• Becomes silent or apologetic
• Pleads or begs
• Afraid of conflict, anger or rejection so is not honest and direct
• Allows self to be treated disrespectfully or taken advantage of
• Believes the needs of others should always come before their own needs
• Difficulty saying no
• Changes self for other people

Aggressive

• Direct in a way that is controlling and/or hurtful to others
• Seldom compromises, escalates threats and consequences to get their own way
• Puts down or denies others' point of view
• Explodes
• Argues
• Uses anger to control others, created conflict to defocus
• Blames others
• Treats others disrespectfully and takes advantage of others
• Believes they have the right to have or get what they want
• Self-centered

Passive-Aggressive

• Uses the silent treatment to manipulate others
• Indirect
• Uses sarcasm
• Manipulates others with guilt or tears
• Plays the martyr
• Jokes when angry
• Plays nice to get their own way

Components of Assertive Behavior (Fake It ‘Til You Make It)

• Eye Contact: Look directly at the person you are talking to. It says you are sincere and talking to them personally.
• Body Posture: Face the person directly with your body appropriately close to them. Lean toward them and hold your head high when speaking. This will add to the importance of you message.
• Gestures: Accent your words with appropriate hand gestures to emphasize your point. Over-emphasis, however, can be a distraction.
• Facial Expressions: Expressions must agree with the message or else your point won't come across correctly.
• Voice: Check your tone, inflection and volume. A well-leveled, well-modulated conversation will prove you mean business without being intimidating.
• Timing: Spontaneous expression will generally be your goal since hesitation diminishes the effect of your statement. Judgment, however, is necessary to select an appropriate occasion.
• Content: Despite what most people think, content is the least important aspect of communication. Sponaneous communication is the best and the most effective.

Barriers to Communication

• Mind reading-believing you know what someone is thinking
• Sending double messages
• Bringing past events into the present
• Stereotyping
• Blame
• Saying "Yes, but..."-it negates what the other person said
• Incongruency between verbal and non-verbal
• All or nothing thinking
• Sarcasm
• Judgment
• Ego

On the flip-side of communication, there is listening, which is just as important.

Listening

When someone asks you to listen to them, he may be asking for one of several things:

• 1. He wants you to really hear what they have to say and to be interested and concerned.
• 2. He wants the listener to help in a problem solving situation.
• 3. He wants the listener to make a specific change.
• 4. He wants the listener to feel badly.

The following are some tips to accomplishing number one:

Guidelines for Active Listening:

•1. Stop talking: You can't listen if you are talking.

•2. Put the speaker at ease: Help them feel they are free to talk. Give them a permissive environment.

•3. Show the person you want to listen: Look and act interested. Don't be thinking of your response as they talk. You can do that once they finish, and you've heard all they have to say.

•4. Remove distractions: Turn the TV down or off. Don't check your phone.

•5. Empathize: Put yourself in the speaker's shoes to see his or her point of view.

•6. Be patient: Give them plenty of time and don't interrupt.

•7. Go easy on criticism: This could make the person become defensive or get flustered.

•8. Ask questions: This encourages them and shows you are listening.