How to Break Up with your Girlfriend
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How to Break Up Links
Breaking up with your girlfriend is a daunting task because it almost always has ramifications. It's hurtful and nerve-wracking, it's painful for you, it's painful for her. She may have been your first love or the person you lost your virginity to (or vice versa). And if you've been together a long time or even lived together, you've got the division of assets to look forward to. You're going to have to sit down and figure out who came into the relationship with what and who gets ownership over items that were purchased jointly. Every detail of your lives must be analyzed and sorted, which can be a hard thing to at a time when things are hard enough. Break-ups dredge up some of the most difficult emotions you'll ever have to live through.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Because if you are considering breaking up with your significant other, then it probably means you aren't happy. And if YOU aren't happy, then SHE isn't happy. Unhappiness isn't healthy, and life is too short to stay in a situation like that.
What NOT to do
DON'T do it over the phone, through Instant Messenger or on MySpace. I don't care how old you are, even if you can't stand the girl now, you did care about her at one point and owe her the courtesy of ending things to her face.
DON'T lie about your reasons for wanting to break up. If she's too clingy and you need some space, or you've met someone else and you'd like to explore this new frontier, come right out and say so.
DON'T be brutally honest and don't insult her. Even if one of the reasons for the break-up is that she sucks in bed or your physical chemistry is lacking, do not tell her this outright. It is completely unnecessary.
Delivering the news
Open the conversation by getting straight to the point, saying something like, "I'm no longer happy in this relationship" or "I'm having second thoughts about being in a serious, committed relationship." You want to avoid attacking her specifically at all costs, so use these suggestions rather than saying, "I'm no longer happy with you" or "I'm having second thoughts about being with you." Next, be prepared to explain why. Tell the truth as gently as possible; don't sugarcoat it too much and definitely do not lie. Even if you're fed up with her and can no longer stand to be in the same room with her, remember that there was a time when she was all you could think about. There was a time when your love for her was strong, and she deserves to be treated with patience and respect during this difficult moment.
Psychologically, nobody responds well to direct attacks that use the word "you." How you explain yourself to her and the words you choose to use are very important. Let's say that your reason for wanting to break up is that she's very clingy and needy, insanely jealous and irrationally possessive. Instead of saying, "You're too clingy and you're way too needy" try saying something like, "I feel like I need more space" and "I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to have to answer to anybody." Another option is, "I can't give you what you need, and it isn't fair to you for me to keep you in a relationship like that when you could be out meeting the person who can."
Receiving the news
Be prepared for her to quickly cycle through all five stages of mourning.
- DENIAL: "You're crazy. You don't really want to break up, you're just upset."
- ANGER: "This is so unfair. After everything I've done for you, everything I've put up with, YOU want to leave ME?!?!"
During the anger stage, if your girlfriend feels like she is being attacked (which is a common reaction when someone is being told there's something wrong with them) she will immediately go on the defensive and start retaliating against everything you're saying. She may tell you that your reasons for wanting to leave aren't valid, that she didn't do anything wrong, that you're not perfect either, etc. But if your heart is set on ending the relationship, firmly but gently tell her that your concerns are real and nothing she says is going to change that. Don't allow yourself to be distracted from the task at hand by getting dragged into an argument that analyzes and dissects your reasons. It's a diversion tactic that could have you sitting around for hours going over every angle. Doing this just postpones the inevitable. If your girlfriend approaches the anger stage in this way, tell her straight up that your feelings are valid even if she does not agree with your reasoning, and inform her that you are not going to sit here and fight and nitpick over every point.
Another common response is to turn everything back on to you and start listing your downfalls and character flaws. To avoid getting into a lengthy discussion about how much you suck, openly admit that you're not perfect and you're fully aware of it, say that you know you have faults of your own and would never claim otherwise, then direct the conversation back to ending the relationship.
- BARGAINING: "Why don't we just take some time off instead? Let's spend a few days apart so you can see what it's like to miss me."
- DEPRESSION: A combination of crying and wailing, "No one's ever going to love me ever again!"
- ACCEPTANCE: "Fine. Whatever. Do what you want."
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What to do if you're cheating on her
If you've been cheating on her and want to break-up so you can pursue a relationship with the other woman, you might as well just tell your girlfriend the truth because I guarantee she's going to find out anyway. If you're interested in someone else but have not yet crossed the line into cheating, be honest about this, too. Tell your girlfriend that you've developed feelings for someone else but that you respect her too much to cheat on her. However, it is something you want to explore so you wanted to be upfront with her before you actually did anything. You owe her honesty.
In this case, it is very common for a lot of women to start thinking there's something wrong with them, that they are not good enough or are lacking in some way. Although it's cliché to say, "It's not you, it's me" it's important to stress to your girlfriend that she didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes you just click with another person in a different way and feelings develop unexpectedly. Reassure her that she is an amazing, beautiful girl, but stick to your guns if you're truly set on leaving. Tell her that you're not going to be a jerk by keeping her in a relationship and sneaking around behind her back.
Working through it
Be prepared to spend at least an hour on the break-up conversation, if not more. Plan the break-up for a block of time when you know you're both going to be free. Most initial break-up conversations last several hours and span two or three days. You don't want to have to rush. Be patient, answer her questions and comfort her if she cries. At some point, however, you're going to have to cut it short. Once everything has been discussed there's no need to keep rehashing the same points. It just prolongs the pain, and don't be afraid to explain this to her. After a reasonable amount of time has passed, let her go so she can mourn on her own and talk to her friends to gain some perspective. She'll probably need a few days to come to grips with the situation, and will most likely be calling you during this time to express either extreme anger, guilt or sadness. There's nothing wrong with that, but after a week or two you may have to be a little firm with her because the sooner you break away from each other the more she can heal and the quicker you can go your separate ways.
Oftentimes, the break-up process is equally as difficult for the person who is doing the breaking. You may love your girlfriend deeply as a friend but find that your in-love feelings have faded. You may be dissatisfied with the direction the relationship is moving or have learned things about your partner that you don't appreciate and can't live with. This can be heart wrenching if you had hoped to spend your life with this person. But you owe it to yourself to do whatever you have to in order to make yourself happy, and you owe it to her to let her be free to find someone else. Sometimes you have to close one door to allow another one to open elsewhere.
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Comments
i must admit honesty is my best priority, i really appreciated this information and i am glad i read it, it made me realise that i compromise too much of myself, and even though me and my girlfriend have tried resolving things i have positioned myself as the desperate needy clingy boyfriend, and this is not congruent with the way i like to see myself, so i guess it is best, our relationship was fun and exciting, but now, as passion fades, im realising more and more each day how much i am missing out on, i am realising that i cannot make my girlfriend who i want her to be, i cannot change her without her will. Its a situation of which i make all the effort but i am no longer strong enough to carry both of us psychologically. i could go on about the faults i see on her part and her inability to reassure me, its a relationships filled with her daily investing insecurity secrecy and an inability to secure me emotionally when i need her the most, i truly would have considered marrying this girl, but my patience runs thin now, and like ive said before, i am no longer capable of sustaining this relationships demands and constant pain exerted on me, "big boys dont cry," a friend says to, thats true, "big boys dont cry, But MEN do." Need i say more? I am sick of it, im sick of not feeling loved, im so tired of trying.
Hey Andrew -- I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know I said break-ups are painful but sometimes the relationship itself can hurt just as bad. Too frequently, the mistake we make is holding our partner to the same set of standards she displayed at the beginning. We know how they COULD treat us, we know how they DID treat us, and we don't understand why they can't treat us that same way now. And yet we hold out hope, which is fine for a little while but eventually we have to realize that a change needs to be made. Otherwise you just continue to suffer.
If you are no longer happy with your girlfriend, then by all means end it. I know it is hard but if you feel she is not giving you what you need and DESERVE, then you need to do what's best for you and move on. When one door closes, another one ALWAYS opens--but sometimes it's you who has to force the first one shut.
Good luck to you :)
I'm thinking about breaking up with my partner of 5 years. We have a four year old daughter together, so the decision to leave is especially hard. I've been seeing someone else for a few months now, and while it started innocently, i've now fallen in love with her. it's driving me absolutely crazy.
The problem I have is I just can't bring myself to leave. I know I'm not happy where I am. I know that I want to be with this other person. But I know that my leaving (and the fact I've been cheating on her) will kill my partner. I may not be in love with her anymore, but I still care about her. She's the mother of my child. How the hell do I tell her that everything she thought was going to happen in her life is now... not.
I know the world won't end and we'll both move on eventually, but I just don't think I can do it to her. The alternative is to one day look back over my life and think "what have I done?". It's fucked. And it's all my fault.
ok, i have been in a relationship for almost a year now, also this is our second time as a couple. my girlfriend is becoming more and more jealous everyday. the thing is, she can talk to all the guys under the sun, " they're just my friends". But, whenever i get a message from a girl on myspace or even a comment, BOOM!, who is that, how do you know her? I tell her they are just my friends, it makes no difference. I am afraid to break up with her because i think that she might lose it. i read the article above and i agree with everything that you said. i just dont know exactly what to do. this whole thing is starting to get a little aggravating.
dankuskahn. I have the same problem. She has all these guy friends and some of them shes had relationships with before. She says that she would never do that. But like you, if I get a myspace comment, LOOK OUT! Shes gone as far as messaging the people that comment me and getting on them about it, like " Just so you know, hes with me and you dont need to talk to him anymore." Or, she'll comment on my page saying stuff like "Hey baby, we need to get more pictures of us on your page, then everyone will know that we're together and will stop trying to take you from me." Its annoying. Yes, we're together. But I have my own life too. Its like shes everywhere I am. I feel followed. Our roommate (Who is her best friend since middle school) is constantly telling her when i left the house, when i got back, if i used my cell phone on the porch, EVERYTHING! Its like they want to try and catch me doing somthing. And then she crashes all my hang outs. Like the bar I go to and have gone to since before we got together. She just shows up and makes a big scene. She'll come in and see some girl walk past me and then shes like "Were you talking to her? Bullshit! I can't believe you!" Then the girl will walk past again (mind you, its a VERY small hole in the wall bar) and she'll give her dirty ass looks and try to start a fight. I mean, come on. Lighten up a bit. I want to break up with her, but I know she'll go nuts if i do. She'll do somthing stupid like try to OD or some shit. Shes does stupid shit when we just argue. I can only imagine what she'd do if we broke up...
ive been fooling around with this young girl 4 awile and want 2 break it off b4 my gf finds out but she keeps callin me an don't want her to get all drama, any clues?
Im in some real complex place...cause i want to break up with her to be alone and by myself but one of her friends has threaten me in so many ways...if i hurt her shell kill me so i dont know what to do...Weird thing is that ive lost all feelings for her but she still wants me...
It's comforting to see that there are actually other people who are in the position I happen to be in. And becauseilive, your article has shed some serious light on the subject, thanks for that. I told my girlfriend earlier today that I don't want to go out with her anymore, and it was really hard... really hard and really messy. The ANGER response that you talk about, i can definitely relate to. She lashed out at me, saying some of the most hurtful things she's ever said to me, and we've been going out for almost a year and 6 months now. I know that she didn't really mean the things she said though. The thing about this girl is that she's really sensitive. I know that's normal for girls, but it just makes it so much harder. She phoned me about 2 hours after I left, crying her eyes out, and asking for me to take her back, but I don't want her back, I wish I felt different about her, but it has just come to that point and I don't see our relationship going anywhere but downhill. But I don't want to hurt her. I still care for this girl. It kills me to hear her crying like she was. I told her that we should at least take some time apart from each other to think. I'm hoping that the idea of us breaking up will sink in a bit, and she will accept it eventually. I just know that if I have to see her again and she starts to cry and ask for me back that I won't be able to turn her down again. Please if you could give me some advice on what I should do, or at least the next step. I need my life back.
Bec - I actually expected this to be more fluff, but this is some good, solid advice! You have a potential career as a Dear Abby. We men are, by and large, not very good at this stuff - I like to illustrate by saying all during our formative years girls were playing house, dolls, relationship games, while we boys were smashing cars together. Then, when we reach the age of dating, we spend the rest of our lives trying fruitlessly to catch up!
Thanks for the great thoughts.
G
I have been dating this girl for a little over 8 months. She really likes me and unfortunately my feelings for her are not the same. I think she is a great girl, shes just not right for me. About a month ago I tried to break up with her, I got as far as to saying, I think we should maybe break up, but I chickened out and changed my mind and said I wanted to stay together. The whole thing is very hard for me because I do not want to hurt her, but I know she would be crushed if I ended things. We both are in different colleges right now, and we both won't be home for two months. Would it be best to wait so I can do it personally? I really don't want to break up over the phone, but I also don't think it would be right to wait 2 months to end things when I am unhappy now. I need help :(
I very recently broke up with my long term living partner and fiance of 6 years. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do, the feelings faded out and I suddenly came to the realisation that I was lying to myself and worst of all to the women who I loved and I lived with and made life plans with. The problem is that the 'love' was the love that you feel for a family member or best friend and not love as in meeting someone and falling head over heals, there was a huge amount of co-depandacy in the relationship. I thought I was making her happy but I was in fact killing us both by fooling myself and her, pretending to my very own soul that everything would be OK and that I was just imature and the true feelings will come. The break up is so hard, so hard that death seems an easy alternative but I know for both us to be free and for her to be happy I have to step up and be a man. For both oursakes end the relationship. To the many other people in this awful sitution out there - we many be wrong and even live to regret our decisions in the future but we must do what is right and end the unfullied relationship.
I'm sick to death of reading about your unhappiness. Those of you in long term relationships, did you think it was going to be easy? Love and life aren't easy. I find it strange that people just bail out. Did any of you consider couple's councelling? It's all about unhappiness. I'm sooo furious. Even if the outcome is a break up, why stew in it for ages until you lose the feeling. You#ll have the same problem in every relationship. People need to learn to stoke the fires of love and not let little things kill love. If you're unhappy, at some stage, you decided to let go of your feelings or you held on to your anger. You probably weren't fulfilled before you dragged your partner into it, expecting him/her to fulfill you. Don't just break up with someone without trying to work things out. It sucks. Break ups happen but they don't have to be as mean as they seem to be put on all these websites. Western culture these days seems to be all about self gratification. Ask yourself, have you honestly done all you can? Was your partner aware you were doing all you can and that there was trouble. I'm so angry with this crappy page that I can't be bothered to write anymore.
yea thanks so muc h for that contribution.Y would you even be on this page if it makes you angry. Its nice to know there are lots of people out there in the same categogy. Im in the process of trying to break up with my gf, but when they dont want to its really difficult, coz i really dont want to hurt her
I have been in a relationship with this girl for about a year. She didnt do anything wrong to me. She isnt to clingy, or to needy, but shes just really annoying. If that makes any scence. I just dont want to be with her anymore, but how do I sit her down and say that she is annoying...I mean she will know that she didnt do anything wrong. And I'm pretty sure she will take the angery side after she is done crying. So thats the dilemma I'm in. Any suggestions?
I was wondering if anyone had any advice of how to break up with a girlfriend while you're away from her for the summer. I couldn't do it prior to leaving for college bec she had her period and exams and I didn't want to add more stress to that. But now i probably won't see her again for about 4 months, so i guess I have to do it over the phone, even though it sucks. Anyone have any suggestions?
Im in high school rite.. ive been going with this girl for about 2 months, she loves me alot but im just tired of her..plus ive met a new girl. i dont know how to tell my girlfriend that its over...its soo hard because i never broke up with a girl that loved me that much..can anyone give me some advice
i wanna breakup with my girlfriend because ive met someone else but im one of those nice guys and i cant gwt the nerve up to do now ive got 3 days till schools out and then i won t be able to until i see her again
im
(continuing from above)
im going to military school and ill be leaving for army training soon but i cant figure out how
can someone e-mail me like something to say
messange me at xsteves1369x@aol.com
thanks in advance,
STEVE
(continuing from above agiain)
sorry i have a really bad computer
i messed up my e-mail sorry
xstevex1369x@aol.com
Im scared to death im in a relationship like the ones many of thease men are in, except of course im on the other side of it. i cant be sure though and it drives me crazy, i dont want him to be un happy i just wish their was a way i could fix what ever it is thats bothering him and we could be nback on our way, unfortunently i dont think thats what he wants, and im pretty sure the only reason he hasent broken up with me is becaus ehe cares and doesent have the heart of course i could be wrong, i dont know, and although i hate it i CRY alot when ever i try to talk about it, i mean its the only thing i cant seem to discuss with him because i know theirs a chance of break up and then when i cry he just feels bad and i dont know what to do. i dont think im giving him what he wants/ deserves but i want to i just dont know what it is. ok, well id you have any helpful advice PLEASE email me. xsinisterdesire@aol.com
Ey man, thanks so much hey. Really helped
I agree with you, Me! I think it's pathetic to walk out on a relationship without going to counseling or doing everything possible that's left to do. Most of you say you don't want to hurt your significant other, but you already did that when you started seeing someone else and it all starts with that one decision whether or not your should cross the line! Why didn't you think of your partner's feelings when you made that first move to cross the relationship?! Sounds to me like you have communication issues. I think if you care about someone, you tell them the truth no matter what! All this boo hoo about "I don't want to hurt her/him!" But you already did when you messed around with that other person! Grow up and face life! It's not perfect and you're going to have problems in a relationship no matter what! You may find out that you have more problems with the person you left your lover for! And if that happens, I say..what goes around comes around! Think about this: You fell for your lover in the beginning just as you are falling for this other person. But this other person doesn't care about your partner's feelings! And anyone who tries to get with another person that is in a relationship has self esteem issues. How can you give up so easily? What a quitter! It's people like you that should stay single!
I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half. I love the girl i am with but it is just not working out. I guess things have been going down hill for about the last nine months. I have a very full schedule and have very little time to devote to a girlfriend. I am a firefighter in my case we work 1 day and we are off two, i work ems one shift a week which means 4 days out of 7 I am not home at all I also go to paramedic school full time. I i feel like it is my fault the relationship is not working because of my lack of time. I'm 20 years old and it just seems like too much for me to handle right now. I have tried to break up with her several times, but she just gets so upset and i give in. Any advice to reduce pain in my situation?
would you say that if your only option was to do it over IM or phone, say that they had moved what would be the best options?
just send her a text message that says: KYS ASAP KTHXBYE
Thanks, it helped alot and tommorow is the day i tell her. I was never really into girls until recently when their attention shifted to me. No more was i the funny guy, but i was the attaractive one. Anyhow, a good friend told me she liked me and i was like a kid in a candy store. I did not know what i was getting myself into. So tommorrow i end it. Wish me luck... I just hope the friendship would not be lost. But thanx, it really helped to understand some stuff. now i just have to finish my final year at school...
working
deadraven999 says:
9 months ago
I believe it ain't easy. I had a similar experience where my ex girlfriend and I after 4 years eventually broke up. We planned to get married but it did not work coz there were restrictions from her side (her family) and from my side as well. At a point of time we felt we can't afford 2 lose each other so we decided 2 continue our relationship no matter what. But with time prolonging and possibilies that we get married are diminishing she could not feel secured and she could not make me feel secured. In those 4 years, she broke up with me maybe 4 times but we managed to make it back. Finally, at a point of time it was as they say the needle that broke the whatever's back. We made our final break up. I don't deny i do still love and miss her despite i have family now. Wish her good luck wherever she may go.