You are on to a good start: You are reading this! There are many books available on the differences between the sexes. Read them cover-to-cover. Or e-cover to e-cover. Some just analyze the difference between the sexes and leave you to draw your own conclusions; others give you tips and techniques. First read them and see what works best for you and for the man. Then try what you learnt, using trial and error, stimulus and feedback.

Not: “Darling, it says here that men are naturally polygamous but mummy’s sweetie-pie isn’t like that, is he?” You will probably get a reply like “Polygamous? But you know I don’t keep parrots, dear!”

And keep the book under lock and key!

Become a writer! It is a great escape from housework on those brown days, when you can plead ‘artist’s nerves’ or ‘creative sensitiveness’ and other rot like that. For those who don’t write professionally, there’s another idea: Write a diary.

Bill’s head is suffering from the effects of last night’s mixed beverages and he is out on the lawn with a hose, trying to get into Mary’s good books. The kitchen door flies open, and she rushes into the garden, brandishing a heavy book. Bill instinctively ducks but Mary doesn’t want to throw the book at him.

‘This is my gift to our children!’ she announces.

‘But I bought them a dictionary last year, isn’t one enough?’ asks the illiterate.

‘Silly Billy, this is a diary! The Diary! Memoirs of our family life for our descendants to treasure!’

‘That’s nice! Hope you put me down as a good provider and an honest man?’

‘This isn’t Aesop’s fables, Billy boy. I am writing a humorous account of our family life! Read this for instance:

Bill lost to the milkman again this morning. Waves of alcohol sloshed in him as he crept in, and the stench of beer, vodka, whisky, brandy, peanuts and French fries woke me up. Then his noisy attempt to transfer the rich mixture from his stomach to the sink woke up the kids. The sight of this upload was infectious, and the kids went to do their bit in the loo.’

‘You are seriously putting that in that @#$% book?’

‘Not seriously. Humorously.’

‘Mary, leave out that bit. It’s not funny!’

Bill takes the author of the scandal sheet out to dinner that evening and turns a blind eye to her shopping list. The diary, endless source of blackmail, has been Mary’s best friend ever since.

Foreword

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8