Got a carbon footprint?

Sure you do..if you have a foot then you have a footprint. It goes without saying.

The question for today's global-warming climate (politcally speaking and 'literally' speaking) is: What Can YOU Do to Eliminate YOUR Carbon Footprint?'

Carbon footprints are actually very noticeable and if you leave many of them around you can be ostracized from society by your anti-social behaviour.

The footprints don't show up immediately after you have stepped on the ground, but rather take upwards from five to ten minutes to completely reveal themselves. They appear as unsightly black and (in younger children) blue-tinged footprints that will, on occasion glow in the dark if they are very toxic.

Carbon footprints are indelible and will not come off without considerable scrubbing and a potent solution of Mr. Clean or some equivalent washing soda. There are new formulas being developed in the former Soviet Union to aid in the expulsion of carbon footprints but they are still in the developmental stages.

Lethal ?

Although they are not considered lethal, carbon footprints can cause serious liver damage if inhaled by the elderly and nursing mothers (note: mothers that are BOTH elderly AND nursing should be particularly careful). Children under the age of ten years old should refrain from touching them and if you have a small pet such a cat or a Pekingese you might find a veterinary visit is advisable after they have licked or eaten an entire carbon footprint.

As always, the best advice is preventative advice. Try to stay away from any footprints, even if you are certain they are NOT carbon footprints. It won't be the first time that a so-called "expert" in foot-trails has mistakenly taken a carbon for a non-harmful pedi-o-trail.

Causes

Carbon footprints (or "C.F.") have gone unnoticed until recently when two bio-scientists, Dr. Richard Wanker and Harold P. Locknjaw of Concordia University discovered them under a desk where they were partly concealed beneath Wanker's feet after he moved them to pick up a stray pickle that fallen off his hero-sandwich.

"I saw these two footprints" he later said "and knew they were not just sweat-stains from my sweaty feet...although to believe my wife I have the smelliest, sweatiest feet in North America..."

He further said "My colleague, Dr. Locknjaw had the brilliant idea of scraping them off the floor and putting them in a cooler with some ice to keep them fresh...then we got funding and starting studying them a month later."

The results of the study have revealed some startling facts:

• carbon footprints vary with the toxicity levels of individuals

• they are caused by a number of factors including the amount of air you breathe in an average day. (The less you breathe the less carbon footprint you leave.)

• they can be expelled only by way of contact with a flat surface. If for example you walk on your tippy-toes you will NOT leave a carbon footprint

• they are smelly and if you are allergic to perfumes or incense you are also carbonatedly-allergic and should consult your physician immediately.

Elimination Tips:

Where there is no known cure for C.F. you can do a number of things to reduce the amount of the residue you leave in the world.

1. Wear rubber-soled shoes at all times. Line your shoes with yesterday's newspaper and never walk around your house without fuzzy-slippers.

2. As mentioned above, walk on tippy-toes or on the balls of your feet if possible, or even the duck-walk or pigeon-toe method (on the outer edges of your feet) will prevent up to 75% of carbon emissions from entering the atmosphere.

3. Refrain from drinking water, juices containing lithium and valium,and all forms of foods containing protein.

4. Never leave a pot unwatched. (This has nothing to do with carbon footprints but is good advice for everyone.)